My optimism is decaying (like the carrion of a murdered prey)

[sullengirl257]

I feel unmotivated lately. I keep applying to jobs and have yet to have any success. I cant even get a restaurant to hire me, let alone a job in the arts doing something interesting. Mostly, I just want to make art and I feel hindered because I have to keep searching and applying for jobs and I have my job as a researcher for the Brooklyn Museum which takes a lot of time. Every minute I am not working on the research I feel overwhelmingly guilty and like a loser for not working on it. But guess what- I dont like it! I like learning stuff but i dont like having to sum up a womans life in 4 sentences, and then writing an accompanying glossary. and the copyright stuff with the images... aiy not fun man. I try to keep perspective, about the importance of womens history and my role in it, continuing the work of judy chicago, and of how working for the museum is a great opportunity but I still freaking hate it, plain and simple.

I feel so idle. I feel so unlike myself. I feel like I need chocolate.