revelation
So after all this wallowing in self-pity, I've come to a conclusion of sorts. I MUST, not just need or want to, those aren't strong enough, I MUST live to make myself happy first at all costs.
I realize that now after worrying (unnecessarily), wasting my life and time and own sense of happiness on worrying over things which I've no control. So what makes me happy?
- reading
- communicating with others- aka friends
- being artsy and doing artsy things i.e. going to exhibits and making art
- having a job that will sustain my living conditions and improve them
- working out everyday and always being active
- listening to music
- watching movies and some television
- having intellectual conversations
- being focussed on the things I want most of all
- living my days as I please rather than simply to please others
- contemplating, day dreaming and just thinking
No one will ever take these things away from me ever again.
Of course, there are more things that make me happy but these are the things that have made me happy until this time of my life and things I can depend on to make me happy if only temporarily. Not sure if this decision will further solidate the assumption of me being 'selfish' but I really think that I need to do these things to make me happy first, then I can try and make others happy. But I know now that if I don't make me happy first, then I won't really make anyone else happy because emotions like that are quite contageous. I know I hate being ordered around, doing what others tell me to do, not being able to do my own things, being told to say and do things that don't resonate (I suppose would be the right word) with me, and frustration for not being able to make things better for others when my heart isn't really in it. I need to be fully happy with making changes or doing things in my life for others to be happy or happier, and if I'm not happy, I'm not making anyone else happy either.
When my ex and I talk again, I won't be talking to her just because it'll make her happy. I'll be doing it to make me happy first. I'm not feeling up to talking right now... but perhaps tomorrow. I'm going to listen to my feelings first and foremost now. And if something really doesn't feel right (I mean, in myself, if something feels really off), then I simply won't do it no matter what fuss is kicked up because of it. Walking away can be the hardest or the easiest thing, depending.
I realize that now after worrying (unnecessarily), wasting my life and time and own sense of happiness on worrying over things which I've no control. So what makes me happy?
- reading
- communicating with others- aka friends
- being artsy and doing artsy things i.e. going to exhibits and making art
- having a job that will sustain my living conditions and improve them
- working out everyday and always being active
- listening to music
- watching movies and some television
- having intellectual conversations
- being focussed on the things I want most of all
- living my days as I please rather than simply to please others
- contemplating, day dreaming and just thinking
No one will ever take these things away from me ever again.
Of course, there are more things that make me happy but these are the things that have made me happy until this time of my life and things I can depend on to make me happy if only temporarily. Not sure if this decision will further solidate the assumption of me being 'selfish' but I really think that I need to do these things to make me happy first, then I can try and make others happy. But I know now that if I don't make me happy first, then I won't really make anyone else happy because emotions like that are quite contageous. I know I hate being ordered around, doing what others tell me to do, not being able to do my own things, being told to say and do things that don't resonate (I suppose would be the right word) with me, and frustration for not being able to make things better for others when my heart isn't really in it. I need to be fully happy with making changes or doing things in my life for others to be happy or happier, and if I'm not happy, I'm not making anyone else happy either.
When my ex and I talk again, I won't be talking to her just because it'll make her happy. I'll be doing it to make me happy first. I'm not feeling up to talking right now... but perhaps tomorrow. I'm going to listen to my feelings first and foremost now. And if something really doesn't feel right (I mean, in myself, if something feels really off), then I simply won't do it no matter what fuss is kicked up because of it. Walking away can be the hardest or the easiest thing, depending.