(no subject)
Continued from Part 2.
By 6pm they had taken each other on a musical journey through their lives. Michael couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such a nice time. They had played a song here and a song there, explaining to each other, falling over each other’s words in agreement, arguing amiably where they disagreed. Michael almost never played any music anymore, because it hurt too much to remember life before.
Before, when Michael had been in a band and had played music all night and worked in Hungry Jack’s all day. He missed that life, although he had hated it at the time.
William picked up a Silverchair album. “I don’t know this band.”
“Are you for real? Seriously? William Beckett, I’m disgusted.”
“Yes I’m serious! Who are they?”
“An Aussie band. A little bit punk and a little bit grunge and a little bit indie.”
“Cool. Can we hear them?”
“Sure.” Michael took the CD and put it in the player. It was one of his oldest CDs and he remembered something. “Hey, James always used to say that in Australia if you turned fifteen and liked alternative music they basically gave you a copy of Silverchair and said hey, this is good shit.”
William laughed, a big proper laugh, his eyes crinkling. It was the most relaxed Michael had ever seen him.
Michael smiled back, listening to the album, which was almost as familiar as anything he had written himself.
They listened to the entire thing without realising, from start to finish. Afterwards, William enthused over it.
Michael felt strangely paternal, like William was complimenting his baby or something. “I like them. They inspired me.”
“Yeah?”
“I was in a band. Before the war broke out.”
“Cool. I always liked music, but I never pursued it.”
“I can tell. You talk about it passionately.”
“I missed it. Thank you for sharing.”
“Welcome.” Michael stood up and stretched, numb after sitting on the floor for so long. “Do you want something to eat?”
“Oh. It’s late. I should go.”
“No, stay for food. I can cook. I mean, nothing fancy, but I can.”
“There isn’t anything fancy left,” William said.
“That’s true.” Michael went through to the kitchen.
“Back in Chicago, you could get any type of food you wanted. We had such freedom and we didn’t know it.” William followed him and sat down at the bar.
“Same in Sydney. I used to be a vegan but even then there was so much choice.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Had to give it up with I joined the Navy. The vegetarian option is basically always just cheese and tomato.”
William grinned. “I’ll tell Suarez you said that.”
Michael snorted. “Okay, his was good, but it was still just that, you know?”
“Yes. Not a good use of Alex’s skills.”
“Exactly.” Michael pulled things out of the refrigerator.
William pulled a few grapes off the bunch on the counter. “When did you join up?”
“The Navy? After the war started.”
“How come?”
“They had this enticement, if you joined they gave you either some money or the deposit for a house.”
“Wow.”
“I took the money, James took the deposit. I bought a guitar.”
William nodded.
“It seemed like something and nothing, you know? We thought it’d be over within the year.” Michael was turned away from William now, cracking eggs in a frying pan.
“Yeah, I remember. We had enough men until too many got blown up. Then they brought in a draft.”
“There’s a few conscripts on the Philly, right?”
“A few. You can generally tell who. Joe Trohman, for one. Jon Walker, too, although he has the technical know-how, so he’s different.”
Michael nodded. “I like Jon.”
“Me too. Have a lot of time for him.”
“Did you ever see anything up close?”
“Death? Yes. We were in African waters and we got hit. The sub right next to mine. I saw a lot of men die that day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You did too, right? On the Waller.”
Michael was surprised. “How did you know about that?”
“Peter told me, when he suggested I take you. He said you’d kept your head and got the ballasts mended.”
“Given a choice between that or dying, it seemed easy.”
William shrugged. “You could have panicked.”
“I’m not the panicking type.”
“Yeah,” William said in a tone that Michael couldn’t understand. “Yeah, I get that.”
Michael made grilled cheese sandwiches with a fried egg each on top, and they sat next to each other at the bar to eat. Afterwards, William insisted on washing the dishes and Michael dried them and put them away and then they stood looking at each other in the middle of the kitchen.
“Could we watch a movie?” William asked hopefully.
“Sure.”
“I just noticed you had a lot.”
“Yeah, a few.”
“I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie.”
“I’m not sure the player works any more, but we can try.”
“Cool.”
They went back into the living room and William chose a film, and Michael fiddled with the DVD player. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d watched a film himself, but he hoped for William’s sake that it worked.
It did, although one of the cables was loose and Michael had to secure it with some tape. He turned the light off and they sat, close together on the couch, watching the film. William was relaxed, much more than Michael had ever seen him before, and he laughed at the film and Michael did too.
He didn’t think about what this was about. Or, he tried not to. William had come to apologise, that was all. Was William lonely? Almost certainly. Michael was too, and he hadn’t lost those closest to him yet. Did William feel anything else for him? Michael couldn’t tell. But he had to admit that he felt something for William. Tonight, as they had made friends, he had changed his opinion. William was a good guy.
Michael was gay, had always been, and never hid it. His family knew and mostly didn’t care, James knew and was supportive, and Alexander had known and had lived with it. Michael was lucky in that by the time it came for him to sign up, the military had stopped asking such questions. He had never deliberately lied to anyone he had served alongside, but he had also never actually stated his sexual preference.
He was a private person, apart from anything else, and couldn’t quite see what business it was of anyone else’s.
He was lonely, that was all. He craved someone in his life.
At 9.30, when the film finished, William stood up and said he really should be going.
Michael saw him to the door.
“Maybe we could… I mean, you don’t have to say yes, but… Maybe we could get a drink together this week?” William asked, with that hopeful look on his face again.
“I’d like that.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Thursday?” Michael suggested.
“Yes. That’d be good.” William stood on the porch, turned around to Michael.
“Should we meet at your house?” Michael asked.
“No. No, definitely not. I’ll come here, for 8 o clock?”
“Alright.”
“Good. Yes, good. Thank you. Thank you for a lovely day, too.”
“You’re welcome,” Michael said.
William turned, eventually, and picked up his bicycle from the lawn. “I’ll see you.”
“Goodnight, William.”
“Night, Michael.”
“God bless,” Michael said, without thinking, as he watched William wobble off down the street.
*
William couldn’t decide on what to wear. He had precious few civilian clothes left. There weren’t many shops that sold clothes anymore. He pulled on a battered pair of jeans, frowned at the holes in them, and left a checked shirt open over a somewhat faded t-shirt.
It was only when he left his house, on foot, to head to Michael’s, that he found himself wondering why it mattered so much how he looked anyway. Then he remembered how it had mattered that he had had to apologize, how it mattered so much that Michael had forgiven him. Suddenly, it was clear.
He was nursing a crush. A small, tiny crush. William had had crushes on males before, in his teenaged years, before he had settled down with Christine. He knew it was stupid. Nothing would come of it. Not now.
They went to a bar that William hadn’t been to before, one that he in fact wouldn’t have drunk in by himself. Somehow, though, with an Australian, it was okay. It was a nice place. They ordered food and beer and sat watching the TV, which was showing the news.
William didn’t know what to say, but Michael broke the silence.
“You know, I used to believe in the news. I believed that they told us the truth.”
“Then you joined up and discovered that they keep stuff from civilians?”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“The news was always censored in the States. It got less that way when Obama was in power, I think, but it still was. The thing is, most people liked it that way.”
Michael nodded. “Because it was easier that way.”
“Yes. People are happy with that.”
Michael bit into his sandwich. “Some people just don’t like to see what’s in front of them.”
William nodded, then paused. Was that some kind of code? He looked at Michael closely but those pale eyes betrayed nothing. William concentrated hard on his burger. Was he imagining a hidden meaning behind Michael’s words because he liked him? What was Michael? He wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, not like his siblings did. He had never mentioned a significant other. Was he gay? William just didn’t know but he felt, he felt like Michael liked him too. He felt like they were both regarding this as a date.
“People don’t often get a choice,” William said, meaning two things. Then he changed the subject back to the news. “The vast majority of civilians don’t know how fast the radiation’s coming. If they did, they’d move south.”
“You think?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
Michael shrugged. “You’re all fucked anyway in the end, so what’s the point? You can’t outrun it forever.”
“You’re stoical, Michael. I like it.”
Michael shrugged again, a tinge of colour in his cheeks. “It’s just what I believe, you know? There’s a plan and if this is part of the plan, you can’t outrun it.”
By 10pm William was feeling a little drunk. He was laughing too much, he could tell, but it didn’t seem to matter because Michael was laughing back. They left the bar together and walked back to Michael’s slowly, enjoying the cool air. William felt more sober outside.
It was only when he followed Michael up the path to his front door that he realised there was no good reason for him to be there.
“Oh,” he said. “I should go.”
“Come in for a drink?”
“Okay,” William agreed easily. He didn’t want the night to end.
They stepped into the kitchen and Michael shut the door behind them. William stood uselessly and watched him and then -
He’d never understand it, not then or afterwards, would never know why he had done it. Maybe things had just been going that way. Maybe it was just the way Michael had come towards him. Maybe Michael meant it that way or maybe he was just innocently walking around his own home. They never talked about it. There was no need.
William stopped Michael with a hand on his arm and pulled him closer and kissed him.
If Michael was surprised he didn’t show it. He kissed back, softly and gently.
William liked that and didn’t let go. Michael was taller than he was used to. He liked that, always had, with guys. It was nice, not having to bend. William wondered why the hell his mind would even think that in the middle of this.
When they eventually broke apart one of Michael’s hands was on his hip, gently, casually. Michael breathed in deeply, his forehead resting against William’s.
William bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I-” Why was he apologizing? He wasn’t sorry, not for the kiss. He could kiss whoever he liked, couldn’t he?
“Don’t.”
“What?” William tried to laugh but it came out forced.
“Don’t say sorry.” Michael pulled back and looked at him. His expression was confusing; William didn’t know him well enough to know what he was thinking. “Come and sit down?”
William followed him into the living room and sat down. “I shouldn’t have, though.”
“Why not? Didn’t you want to?”
“Well, yes, but.”
“But nothing.”
William shut up.
Michael made tea and brought it in, and sat down next to William, turned slightly towards him so that his knee touched William’s thigh.
It was cosy and comfortable and William relaxed, or tried to.
When the tea was finished Michael took his cup and kissed him again, and William turned to him and rested his hands on Michael’s thighs. It felt good, it felt good to be so close to someone again, felt good to be kissing someone.
He tried not to think of how much a betrayal it felt to his wife. She wasn’t here. It wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t William’s fault but he needed - this.
They kissed for what felt like hours, and William honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had just kissed someone. It felt like being back in high school, sitting on the couch in someone’s parents’ house, kissing because that’s all you were allowed to do.
Finally Michael stood up to take the cups into the kitchen and William checked his watch. It was almost midnight.
“I should go,” he said when Michael came back in.
“Stay.”
William looked up, aware of Michael standing over him. “I can’t.”
“Can’t? Or shouldn’t?”
“Both.”
“Do you want to?”
William looked down, eyes flicking from his shoes to Michael’s boots and back again. “Yes.”
“So stay.”
William took a deep breath. He wanted to. Maybe Michael didn’t mean what William thought he meant.
Maybe it would be nice to feel the heat from somebody’s body again. William missed that.
Maybe he should just stop thinking about it.
He stood up and smiled. There was a slightly sick feeling in his stomach but he took Michael’s hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of it. “Thank you,” he said. “I’d love to.”
Michael wandered around his bedroom, closing the curtains, taking off his watch. William stood useless, again, not wanting to put himself somewhere he shouldn’t be. He was about to get into bed with a man and it was weird, completely weird. His brain felt all wrong but it also wanted. He wanted. That was all.
He undid his shoes and sat down on the end of the bed, kicking them off.
Michael smiled. “Relax, please.”
“I’m trying. I’m trying not to feel like a complete shit who’s cheating on his wife.”
Michael started to say something. “But-”
“I know. I know, she’s dead. They’re all dead. I’ve no reason to feel guilty. I know that.”
“Just stay, alright? We’ll just sleep. Okay?”
“Yes.”
Michael smiled. “Good.” He started to undress and William looked away. He had seen hundreds of naked male bodies before; of course he had, but not one belonging to someone he was about to sleep alongside.
He undressed instead, down to his tank top and boxers. That was as far as he was willing to go. He did at least remember to take his socks off. Oh, how ridiculous was that? Michael wouldn’t care if he had socks on or not, not if they were just going to sleep. William rolled his eyes at himself.
Michael pulled back the blankets and William got in, feeling incredibly self-conscious. Michael switched out the main light and turned on a dim lamp and got into bed too.
“I feel ridiculous,” William confessed.
“Relax.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Is it?”
“Isn’t it? You’re not cheating on anyone.”
“Neither are you.” Michael nosed him and kissed him. He smelt nice. William liked it.
“I feel like I am.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be happy in the time you have left?”
William stopped, thinking. “I don’t know.”
Michael didn’t say anything. “Tell me about her.” He was rubbing small circles on William’s hip.
“She was the love of my life. Childhood sweethearts. We married young, because it was something we both believed in. The kids came along soon after. To begin with they were stationed with me. We were in Hawaii for a while. Then it got too dangerous and they went home.”
“Did you go home again?”
“Yes, a couple of times. I talked to them on the telephone a lot, but that went out almost first.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“It sucks, you know? It just sucks. I can’t think of any other way to say it except like that.”
Michael nodded. “I know.”
William leaned slightly and kissed him again. “I’m going to stop thinking about it now.”
“Good plan,” Michael said. “Good plan.”
*
William woke up early. Michael was still asleep beside him and he crept out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake him. He went to the bathroom and then made himself a cup of coffee and settled down to read one of the old newspapers in Michael’s kitchen.
Michael came into the kitchen an hour later, yawning and brushing his hair back from his face. “Hey.”
“Hi. I made coffee.”
“Cool.” Michael helped himself to some and sat down at the table.
William kept his eyes on the paper, but he felt so awkward. He wasn’t sure what was going on between them. Or, more accurately, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to go on between them. He understood that Michael liked him, and he liked Michael too, and in other circumstances it would have been so much easier. As it was, William felt like he was being unfaithful to his wife.
He needed to think. He smiled at Michael and excused himself to get dressed. He slipped on his jeans, t-shirt and held his shirt in his hands as he said goodbye. “I’m sorry. I should go.”
Michael nodded slowly, and William knew that he didn’t want him to leave. That made him feel better somewhat. “I’ll see you soon?”
“Definitely,” William said, and meant it. He hugged Michael quickly in the hallway.
Michael stood in the doorway as he left. “God bless.”
“You too,” William said, not quite meaning it.
He walked back to housing and waved at a couple of guys outside on the grass. He went straight into his house and thought about having a shower, but he was too tired. Instead he walked right upstairs and fell into his bed, exhausted from overthinking things.
When he woke up, it was past noon.
*
A week later, James asked Michael to come and help him buy a bench. They walked through Sydney’s streets to find one. There wasn’t much else to do and Michael was glad to get out of the house. It stopped him brooding over what was happening with William. Or, what wasn’t happening. He liked William. Once he had stopped being uptight and had relaxed a little. But then he had clammed up again and Michael didn’t know how to deal with that. He needed to stop worrying about it.
“A bench.”
“For Rachel, for the garden.”
“The garden that you think is a waste of time.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.” James was mocking himself.
“Realised that as long as she’s happy it doesn’t matter?”
“Yes.”
“Good boy.”
“Fuck off, Mikes.”
Michael grinned and sidestepped to avoid a woman with a buggy.
“What’ve you been up to, anyway?” James asked.
“Not much. Played some old CDs, you know. It was weird, but nice.”
“Familiar?”
“Yeah. Like the old days.”
“I picked up my guitar a few times. It’s only got four strings on it and I don’t know where to get more.”
“I might have some spares, I’ll look for you.”
“Thanks.”
They were heading to a DIY shop, somewhere Michael hadn’t been since he and Alexander had painted the house. When they got there, it was practically empty and dilapidated. There were two members of staff who seemed baffled by the mention of a bench.
“I can’t remember the last time I saw such a thing,” the first woman said. “Can you, Sue?”
“No, I don’t think I can.”
“There wouldn’t be a chance of ordering one?” James asked hopefully.
“I shouldn’t think so, love, all the suppliers have gone bust.”
“A bench!” said the second woman. “What would you be wanting one of those for?”
Michael rolled his eyes. It was like talking to his grandparents about something like satellite TV, back when they’d had it. These women weren’t that old, and he was pretty sure benches had been around for centuries. Society was strange.
“For my wife,” James said. “She wants one for the garden.”
The first woman snorted and opened her mouth. Michael silenced her with a look. Seriously, didn’t people care anymore? If James wanted a bench for Rachel, he’d get one.
“We could build one,” Michael said. Looking around he could see big enough pieces of wood, and nails, and he knew James had tools.
“Could we?” James was dubious.
“You got anything else planned?”
James shrugged. “Alright then.”
They left with wood and nails and two pretty pieces of wrought iron for the arms. Neither of them had a car, and taxis didn’t operate anymore, so they had to carry the wood between the two of them. It wasn’t overly heavy, but the day was warm, and even though they kept stopping they were both sweating before they’d got even a third of the way back to James’.
“Bloody hell,” Michael said.
“Your idea, dummy!”
“It sounded like a good one!” Michael said. He took his shirt off and tied it round his waist.
“Good idea,” James said, and did the same.
Michael wiped the sweat off his forehead and picked the wood up again.
Near James’ house Michael saw a familiar head walking towards them. He smiled as they got up close. “Hi.”
William looked up and stopped. “Oh. Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I’m good. You - how are you?”
James set his planks down. “Hello, sir.”
“There’s really no need for that,” William said. “You’re not on duty now.”
“Sorry,” James said.
Michael said, “I’m fine, thanks.”
“I’ll see you later?” It was a hopeful question and William’s eyes were filled with it too.
“Definitely,” Michael said. “Have to build a bench, but later…”
“I’ll catch up with you,” William said, promising.
Michael nodded. “That’d be cool.”
“Have fun with your bench,” William said, and walked on.
James raised an eyebrow.
“Shut up,” Michael said.
“You’re seeing him.”
“Not exactly.”
“Yeah, right.”
Michael started walking again. “It’s complicated.”
“Mate, it nearly always is,” James said, and set off again too.
He and James built a bench. It wasn’t perfect, but Rachel was happy with it. She and Isobel sat down on it, both smiling. It had taken them far longer than it should have, and Michael was exhausted and sweaty, but it was done. It needed varnishing, which James was going to do as soon as he could.
But Rachel was pleased and that was all that mattered. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Michael said. His hair was disgusting, all stuck up everywhere with sweat.
“Stay for dinner,” Rachel said.
“No, I’m right. I need to get a shower.”
“Sure?”
“Definitely.”
“Thank you for the bench.”
“You’re welcome.”
She kissed him goodbye, as usual, and Michael said goodbye to James too, and then left their garden and started to walk wearily home.
William was sitting on his doorstep. He smiled. “Hi.”
“I didn’t exactly mean right now,” Michael said, unlocking the door.
“Oh. I can go, if you’d like…”
“I’m joking. Seriously, is it the way I say it? I’m teasing.”
“Oh.”
“Maybe it’s a cultural thing.”
“Maybe.”
Michael started to make tea. It was nice to have someone to share tea with.
“Could we start over?”
“How do you mean?”
“I felt awful. I felt like I’d cheated on my wife just by kissing you, and I didn’t really explain myself.”
“No. You didn’t.”
William smiled. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. Look, the way I see it is, we’re all going to die sooner rather than later. I’m not even thirty years old and my death is staring me in the face. You might as well be honest and you might as well take happiness where you can find it.”
“Yes. That’s the conclusion I came to, too. She would want me to be happy.”
“Yes. She probably would.”
“You’re so honest. I like that,” William said.
“Don’t see the point of being any other way. I never did but I definitely don’t now.”
“It’s a rare quality.”
“You’re not honest with yourself,” Michael said. If William liked honest he could have it.
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“If you like me - and I kind of think that you do - then stop beating yourself up about things. There’s no point.”
William nodded slowly, and then came over to him at the counter, and kissed him, decisively. “So let’s start over.”
Michael kissed back, but could taste sweat on himself and pulled away. “I need to shower, I smell and I feel disgusting.”
“You are kind of sticky. Why did you build a bench?”
“Rachel wanted one. It made her happy.”
“That’s nice.”
Michael set off down the hall, aware that William was not only following him but also checking out every inch of his body. Michael could give quite a show if William wanted. He pulled his singlet over his head and dropped it in the bedroom doorway.
William didn’t seem to care how disgusting or sticky he was because he pushed Michael backwards on to the bed, kissing him hard, one hand on the back of his head. Michael scooted backwards and pulled William on top of him. William’s hands were all over Michael, tangling through his hair, thumbs rubbing his shoulders, his stomach, his hips.
William pulled back, one knee on the bed at the side of Michael, lying on him. “Can we-”
“Yes,” Michael said, without waiting to find out what.
William grinned and sat up to pull his shirt off. Michael pulled him back down straight away, relishing the feel of another man’s skin against his own again after so long. William was soft, and smooth, and warm.
“I never did this before,” he said.
“With a guy?”
“Yes.” William’s eyes moved over him. “I’m sorry if I fuck it up.”
“You won’t fuck it up,” Michael said. He shifted them so that William was next to him. “You pretty much can’t fuck this up.” He rested his hand on William’s hip.
“You’ve done this before?”
“Yes.”
“You’re… gay?”
Michael nodded.
“Have you always…?”
“Once I finally came out, yeah.”
“It took a while?”
“Now’s really not the time.”
William smiled. “Okay. So we can-”
“Yes. If you’d like.”
“I never have.”
“You said.”
“I’m nervous. I never wanted to, either.”
“That’s okay.”
He did look nervous, and Michael leant and kissed him gently.
“I’m not using you,” William said eventually. “I need you to know that.”
“I do.”
“I just-”
“William. Stop worrying.”
William stopped to take this in. “I like you. You infuriate me.”
Michael laughed. “Do you usually like people who infuriate you?”
“Yes. It’s interesting. I like it.”
“Good to know.”
“And you tease me, like that. Yes, I do like it.”
“I like you, too. You pissed me off, though. Leaving. Last time.”
“I promise I won’t tomorrow.”
“Thank you. You’re a man of your word.”
“Yes. I am.”
“So am I,” Michael said.
“Yeah,” William breathed. “I get that.”
There was a pause. Michael smiled. “I really stink.”
“No, you smell good. Earthy.”
“Earthy? Thanks, Will, great.”
William laughed. “You do, though. Like men.”
“Because you don’t get enough of that on a sub?”
“That’s different. It’s not like this.”
“Thank god. We’d never get any bloody work done.”
William laughed again and Michael could almost feel the last of his tension leave him. Michael felt happy. They were chest to chest, warm skin against warm skin, and soon they would have sex, but they had time to take it slowly. Michael didn’t want to scare William, but he did want to touch a little more.
“Jeans off,” Michael said, stroking William’s denim-clad thigh, kissing him.
“Okay,” Will agreed. He stood up, turned away and unthreaded his belt.
Michael did the same. It was only fair. They came back together, thighs entangled, fingers in hair, on hips, on thighs. William moaned and Michael took that as a good sign - he liked it even if he was nervous.
“Please, can you-” William started, breath hot in Michael’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. “Can you touch me?”
“Yes,” Michael said, and slipped his hand inside William’s boxers.
He’d forgotten how good it felt to touch someone other than himself. He kissed William’s jaw, holding him close.
William moaned again, still right in Michael’s ear. “Can I touch you?” he asked.
“Sure.”
“If I do it wrong-”
“Kind of can’t,” Michael laughed softly. “Just think about what would feel good to you.”
“That,” William said. “It feels good like that.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
William’s fingers were hesitant on him, palming him through his underwear. “Nice?”
Michael nodded. It had been too long and he didn’t trust himself not to say something stupid. “Come on, boxers off?”
William wriggled out of his, hips tilting obscenely as he did so. Michael did the same.
“So,” William said shyly. “You want me to keep doing that?”
“Yes. Does it feel good to you? Do you like doing it?”
“Yeah. I do.” William dropped his hand again. “It’s weird. But yeah.”
“Stop thinking about it too hard.”
“Sure. Okay.”
Michael turned them, sliding on top of William, rubbing pre-come over the head of his cock. William closed his eyes, moaning softly.
Back in the day Michael would have cared about safe sex but what was the point now? William didn’t say anything either. It wasn’t as if they were either really likely to screw anyone else, anyway.
Sex, when it came down to it, was as nihilistic as anything else in this new world.
William grimaced at the new sensations, but didn’t complain when Michael finally pushed inside of him. He worried at his lip, and his eyes were still tightly shut, so Michael tried to be as gentle as he could be, but it was difficult. It had been so long and Michael wanted to fuck him hard and come immediately, but he didn’t, even though it was almost physically painful not to.
William touched himself, allowing himself to look at Michael every so often. It was a tease, such a fucking tease. “Is this okay?” he asked.
“Fuck, yes. You look hot doing that.”
William coloured slightly. “Thanks.”
When he came, it was quiet and reserved, moaning lightly, spilling come across his stomach. He bit hard enough on his lip to draw blood and licked at it, looking up at Michael.
Michael came soon after, muttering nonsense.
They cleaned up awkwardly. William seemed to remove himself, emotionally. He moved around Michael’s bedroom as if he had no business being there. Michael slipped his underwear back on and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got back, William was lying in the bed again, sleepy, eyes almost closing.
Michael got in too and switched off the light.
“Goodnight, Michael,” William said in the darkness. He was closer than Michael had thought. He reached across the gap to touch William.
“God bless,” Michael said, as usual.
(Continued in Part 4.)
(Master post here.)
By 6pm they had taken each other on a musical journey through their lives. Michael couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such a nice time. They had played a song here and a song there, explaining to each other, falling over each other’s words in agreement, arguing amiably where they disagreed. Michael almost never played any music anymore, because it hurt too much to remember life before.
Before, when Michael had been in a band and had played music all night and worked in Hungry Jack’s all day. He missed that life, although he had hated it at the time.
William picked up a Silverchair album. “I don’t know this band.”
“Are you for real? Seriously? William Beckett, I’m disgusted.”
“Yes I’m serious! Who are they?”
“An Aussie band. A little bit punk and a little bit grunge and a little bit indie.”
“Cool. Can we hear them?”
“Sure.” Michael took the CD and put it in the player. It was one of his oldest CDs and he remembered something. “Hey, James always used to say that in Australia if you turned fifteen and liked alternative music they basically gave you a copy of Silverchair and said hey, this is good shit.”
William laughed, a big proper laugh, his eyes crinkling. It was the most relaxed Michael had ever seen him.
Michael smiled back, listening to the album, which was almost as familiar as anything he had written himself.
They listened to the entire thing without realising, from start to finish. Afterwards, William enthused over it.
Michael felt strangely paternal, like William was complimenting his baby or something. “I like them. They inspired me.”
“Yeah?”
“I was in a band. Before the war broke out.”
“Cool. I always liked music, but I never pursued it.”
“I can tell. You talk about it passionately.”
“I missed it. Thank you for sharing.”
“Welcome.” Michael stood up and stretched, numb after sitting on the floor for so long. “Do you want something to eat?”
“Oh. It’s late. I should go.”
“No, stay for food. I can cook. I mean, nothing fancy, but I can.”
“There isn’t anything fancy left,” William said.
“That’s true.” Michael went through to the kitchen.
“Back in Chicago, you could get any type of food you wanted. We had such freedom and we didn’t know it.” William followed him and sat down at the bar.
“Same in Sydney. I used to be a vegan but even then there was so much choice.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Had to give it up with I joined the Navy. The vegetarian option is basically always just cheese and tomato.”
William grinned. “I’ll tell Suarez you said that.”
Michael snorted. “Okay, his was good, but it was still just that, you know?”
“Yes. Not a good use of Alex’s skills.”
“Exactly.” Michael pulled things out of the refrigerator.
William pulled a few grapes off the bunch on the counter. “When did you join up?”
“The Navy? After the war started.”
“How come?”
“They had this enticement, if you joined they gave you either some money or the deposit for a house.”
“Wow.”
“I took the money, James took the deposit. I bought a guitar.”
William nodded.
“It seemed like something and nothing, you know? We thought it’d be over within the year.” Michael was turned away from William now, cracking eggs in a frying pan.
“Yeah, I remember. We had enough men until too many got blown up. Then they brought in a draft.”
“There’s a few conscripts on the Philly, right?”
“A few. You can generally tell who. Joe Trohman, for one. Jon Walker, too, although he has the technical know-how, so he’s different.”
Michael nodded. “I like Jon.”
“Me too. Have a lot of time for him.”
“Did you ever see anything up close?”
“Death? Yes. We were in African waters and we got hit. The sub right next to mine. I saw a lot of men die that day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You did too, right? On the Waller.”
Michael was surprised. “How did you know about that?”
“Peter told me, when he suggested I take you. He said you’d kept your head and got the ballasts mended.”
“Given a choice between that or dying, it seemed easy.”
William shrugged. “You could have panicked.”
“I’m not the panicking type.”
“Yeah,” William said in a tone that Michael couldn’t understand. “Yeah, I get that.”
Michael made grilled cheese sandwiches with a fried egg each on top, and they sat next to each other at the bar to eat. Afterwards, William insisted on washing the dishes and Michael dried them and put them away and then they stood looking at each other in the middle of the kitchen.
“Could we watch a movie?” William asked hopefully.
“Sure.”
“I just noticed you had a lot.”
“Yeah, a few.”
“I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie.”
“I’m not sure the player works any more, but we can try.”
“Cool.”
They went back into the living room and William chose a film, and Michael fiddled with the DVD player. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d watched a film himself, but he hoped for William’s sake that it worked.
It did, although one of the cables was loose and Michael had to secure it with some tape. He turned the light off and they sat, close together on the couch, watching the film. William was relaxed, much more than Michael had ever seen him before, and he laughed at the film and Michael did too.
He didn’t think about what this was about. Or, he tried not to. William had come to apologise, that was all. Was William lonely? Almost certainly. Michael was too, and he hadn’t lost those closest to him yet. Did William feel anything else for him? Michael couldn’t tell. But he had to admit that he felt something for William. Tonight, as they had made friends, he had changed his opinion. William was a good guy.
Michael was gay, had always been, and never hid it. His family knew and mostly didn’t care, James knew and was supportive, and Alexander had known and had lived with it. Michael was lucky in that by the time it came for him to sign up, the military had stopped asking such questions. He had never deliberately lied to anyone he had served alongside, but he had also never actually stated his sexual preference.
He was a private person, apart from anything else, and couldn’t quite see what business it was of anyone else’s.
He was lonely, that was all. He craved someone in his life.
At 9.30, when the film finished, William stood up and said he really should be going.
Michael saw him to the door.
“Maybe we could… I mean, you don’t have to say yes, but… Maybe we could get a drink together this week?” William asked, with that hopeful look on his face again.
“I’d like that.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Thursday?” Michael suggested.
“Yes. That’d be good.” William stood on the porch, turned around to Michael.
“Should we meet at your house?” Michael asked.
“No. No, definitely not. I’ll come here, for 8 o clock?”
“Alright.”
“Good. Yes, good. Thank you. Thank you for a lovely day, too.”
“You’re welcome,” Michael said.
William turned, eventually, and picked up his bicycle from the lawn. “I’ll see you.”
“Goodnight, William.”
“Night, Michael.”
“God bless,” Michael said, without thinking, as he watched William wobble off down the street.
*
William couldn’t decide on what to wear. He had precious few civilian clothes left. There weren’t many shops that sold clothes anymore. He pulled on a battered pair of jeans, frowned at the holes in them, and left a checked shirt open over a somewhat faded t-shirt.
It was only when he left his house, on foot, to head to Michael’s, that he found himself wondering why it mattered so much how he looked anyway. Then he remembered how it had mattered that he had had to apologize, how it mattered so much that Michael had forgiven him. Suddenly, it was clear.
He was nursing a crush. A small, tiny crush. William had had crushes on males before, in his teenaged years, before he had settled down with Christine. He knew it was stupid. Nothing would come of it. Not now.
They went to a bar that William hadn’t been to before, one that he in fact wouldn’t have drunk in by himself. Somehow, though, with an Australian, it was okay. It was a nice place. They ordered food and beer and sat watching the TV, which was showing the news.
William didn’t know what to say, but Michael broke the silence.
“You know, I used to believe in the news. I believed that they told us the truth.”
“Then you joined up and discovered that they keep stuff from civilians?”
“Something like that, yeah.”
“The news was always censored in the States. It got less that way when Obama was in power, I think, but it still was. The thing is, most people liked it that way.”
Michael nodded. “Because it was easier that way.”
“Yes. People are happy with that.”
Michael bit into his sandwich. “Some people just don’t like to see what’s in front of them.”
William nodded, then paused. Was that some kind of code? He looked at Michael closely but those pale eyes betrayed nothing. William concentrated hard on his burger. Was he imagining a hidden meaning behind Michael’s words because he liked him? What was Michael? He wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, not like his siblings did. He had never mentioned a significant other. Was he gay? William just didn’t know but he felt, he felt like Michael liked him too. He felt like they were both regarding this as a date.
“People don’t often get a choice,” William said, meaning two things. Then he changed the subject back to the news. “The vast majority of civilians don’t know how fast the radiation’s coming. If they did, they’d move south.”
“You think?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
Michael shrugged. “You’re all fucked anyway in the end, so what’s the point? You can’t outrun it forever.”
“You’re stoical, Michael. I like it.”
Michael shrugged again, a tinge of colour in his cheeks. “It’s just what I believe, you know? There’s a plan and if this is part of the plan, you can’t outrun it.”
By 10pm William was feeling a little drunk. He was laughing too much, he could tell, but it didn’t seem to matter because Michael was laughing back. They left the bar together and walked back to Michael’s slowly, enjoying the cool air. William felt more sober outside.
It was only when he followed Michael up the path to his front door that he realised there was no good reason for him to be there.
“Oh,” he said. “I should go.”
“Come in for a drink?”
“Okay,” William agreed easily. He didn’t want the night to end.
They stepped into the kitchen and Michael shut the door behind them. William stood uselessly and watched him and then -
He’d never understand it, not then or afterwards, would never know why he had done it. Maybe things had just been going that way. Maybe it was just the way Michael had come towards him. Maybe Michael meant it that way or maybe he was just innocently walking around his own home. They never talked about it. There was no need.
William stopped Michael with a hand on his arm and pulled him closer and kissed him.
If Michael was surprised he didn’t show it. He kissed back, softly and gently.
William liked that and didn’t let go. Michael was taller than he was used to. He liked that, always had, with guys. It was nice, not having to bend. William wondered why the hell his mind would even think that in the middle of this.
When they eventually broke apart one of Michael’s hands was on his hip, gently, casually. Michael breathed in deeply, his forehead resting against William’s.
William bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I-” Why was he apologizing? He wasn’t sorry, not for the kiss. He could kiss whoever he liked, couldn’t he?
“Don’t.”
“What?” William tried to laugh but it came out forced.
“Don’t say sorry.” Michael pulled back and looked at him. His expression was confusing; William didn’t know him well enough to know what he was thinking. “Come and sit down?”
William followed him into the living room and sat down. “I shouldn’t have, though.”
“Why not? Didn’t you want to?”
“Well, yes, but.”
“But nothing.”
William shut up.
Michael made tea and brought it in, and sat down next to William, turned slightly towards him so that his knee touched William’s thigh.
It was cosy and comfortable and William relaxed, or tried to.
When the tea was finished Michael took his cup and kissed him again, and William turned to him and rested his hands on Michael’s thighs. It felt good, it felt good to be so close to someone again, felt good to be kissing someone.
He tried not to think of how much a betrayal it felt to his wife. She wasn’t here. It wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t William’s fault but he needed - this.
They kissed for what felt like hours, and William honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had just kissed someone. It felt like being back in high school, sitting on the couch in someone’s parents’ house, kissing because that’s all you were allowed to do.
Finally Michael stood up to take the cups into the kitchen and William checked his watch. It was almost midnight.
“I should go,” he said when Michael came back in.
“Stay.”
William looked up, aware of Michael standing over him. “I can’t.”
“Can’t? Or shouldn’t?”
“Both.”
“Do you want to?”
William looked down, eyes flicking from his shoes to Michael’s boots and back again. “Yes.”
“So stay.”
William took a deep breath. He wanted to. Maybe Michael didn’t mean what William thought he meant.
Maybe it would be nice to feel the heat from somebody’s body again. William missed that.
Maybe he should just stop thinking about it.
He stood up and smiled. There was a slightly sick feeling in his stomach but he took Michael’s hand and rubbed his thumb over the back of it. “Thank you,” he said. “I’d love to.”
Michael wandered around his bedroom, closing the curtains, taking off his watch. William stood useless, again, not wanting to put himself somewhere he shouldn’t be. He was about to get into bed with a man and it was weird, completely weird. His brain felt all wrong but it also wanted. He wanted. That was all.
He undid his shoes and sat down on the end of the bed, kicking them off.
Michael smiled. “Relax, please.”
“I’m trying. I’m trying not to feel like a complete shit who’s cheating on his wife.”
Michael started to say something. “But-”
“I know. I know, she’s dead. They’re all dead. I’ve no reason to feel guilty. I know that.”
“Just stay, alright? We’ll just sleep. Okay?”
“Yes.”
Michael smiled. “Good.” He started to undress and William looked away. He had seen hundreds of naked male bodies before; of course he had, but not one belonging to someone he was about to sleep alongside.
He undressed instead, down to his tank top and boxers. That was as far as he was willing to go. He did at least remember to take his socks off. Oh, how ridiculous was that? Michael wouldn’t care if he had socks on or not, not if they were just going to sleep. William rolled his eyes at himself.
Michael pulled back the blankets and William got in, feeling incredibly self-conscious. Michael switched out the main light and turned on a dim lamp and got into bed too.
“I feel ridiculous,” William confessed.
“Relax.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Is it?”
“Isn’t it? You’re not cheating on anyone.”
“Neither are you.” Michael nosed him and kissed him. He smelt nice. William liked it.
“I feel like I am.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be happy in the time you have left?”
William stopped, thinking. “I don’t know.”
Michael didn’t say anything. “Tell me about her.” He was rubbing small circles on William’s hip.
“She was the love of my life. Childhood sweethearts. We married young, because it was something we both believed in. The kids came along soon after. To begin with they were stationed with me. We were in Hawaii for a while. Then it got too dangerous and they went home.”
“Did you go home again?”
“Yes, a couple of times. I talked to them on the telephone a lot, but that went out almost first.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“It sucks, you know? It just sucks. I can’t think of any other way to say it except like that.”
Michael nodded. “I know.”
William leaned slightly and kissed him again. “I’m going to stop thinking about it now.”
“Good plan,” Michael said. “Good plan.”
*
William woke up early. Michael was still asleep beside him and he crept out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake him. He went to the bathroom and then made himself a cup of coffee and settled down to read one of the old newspapers in Michael’s kitchen.
Michael came into the kitchen an hour later, yawning and brushing his hair back from his face. “Hey.”
“Hi. I made coffee.”
“Cool.” Michael helped himself to some and sat down at the table.
William kept his eyes on the paper, but he felt so awkward. He wasn’t sure what was going on between them. Or, more accurately, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to go on between them. He understood that Michael liked him, and he liked Michael too, and in other circumstances it would have been so much easier. As it was, William felt like he was being unfaithful to his wife.
He needed to think. He smiled at Michael and excused himself to get dressed. He slipped on his jeans, t-shirt and held his shirt in his hands as he said goodbye. “I’m sorry. I should go.”
Michael nodded slowly, and William knew that he didn’t want him to leave. That made him feel better somewhat. “I’ll see you soon?”
“Definitely,” William said, and meant it. He hugged Michael quickly in the hallway.
Michael stood in the doorway as he left. “God bless.”
“You too,” William said, not quite meaning it.
He walked back to housing and waved at a couple of guys outside on the grass. He went straight into his house and thought about having a shower, but he was too tired. Instead he walked right upstairs and fell into his bed, exhausted from overthinking things.
When he woke up, it was past noon.
*
A week later, James asked Michael to come and help him buy a bench. They walked through Sydney’s streets to find one. There wasn’t much else to do and Michael was glad to get out of the house. It stopped him brooding over what was happening with William. Or, what wasn’t happening. He liked William. Once he had stopped being uptight and had relaxed a little. But then he had clammed up again and Michael didn’t know how to deal with that. He needed to stop worrying about it.
“A bench.”
“For Rachel, for the garden.”
“The garden that you think is a waste of time.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.” James was mocking himself.
“Realised that as long as she’s happy it doesn’t matter?”
“Yes.”
“Good boy.”
“Fuck off, Mikes.”
Michael grinned and sidestepped to avoid a woman with a buggy.
“What’ve you been up to, anyway?” James asked.
“Not much. Played some old CDs, you know. It was weird, but nice.”
“Familiar?”
“Yeah. Like the old days.”
“I picked up my guitar a few times. It’s only got four strings on it and I don’t know where to get more.”
“I might have some spares, I’ll look for you.”
“Thanks.”
They were heading to a DIY shop, somewhere Michael hadn’t been since he and Alexander had painted the house. When they got there, it was practically empty and dilapidated. There were two members of staff who seemed baffled by the mention of a bench.
“I can’t remember the last time I saw such a thing,” the first woman said. “Can you, Sue?”
“No, I don’t think I can.”
“There wouldn’t be a chance of ordering one?” James asked hopefully.
“I shouldn’t think so, love, all the suppliers have gone bust.”
“A bench!” said the second woman. “What would you be wanting one of those for?”
Michael rolled his eyes. It was like talking to his grandparents about something like satellite TV, back when they’d had it. These women weren’t that old, and he was pretty sure benches had been around for centuries. Society was strange.
“For my wife,” James said. “She wants one for the garden.”
The first woman snorted and opened her mouth. Michael silenced her with a look. Seriously, didn’t people care anymore? If James wanted a bench for Rachel, he’d get one.
“We could build one,” Michael said. Looking around he could see big enough pieces of wood, and nails, and he knew James had tools.
“Could we?” James was dubious.
“You got anything else planned?”
James shrugged. “Alright then.”
They left with wood and nails and two pretty pieces of wrought iron for the arms. Neither of them had a car, and taxis didn’t operate anymore, so they had to carry the wood between the two of them. It wasn’t overly heavy, but the day was warm, and even though they kept stopping they were both sweating before they’d got even a third of the way back to James’.
“Bloody hell,” Michael said.
“Your idea, dummy!”
“It sounded like a good one!” Michael said. He took his shirt off and tied it round his waist.
“Good idea,” James said, and did the same.
Michael wiped the sweat off his forehead and picked the wood up again.
Near James’ house Michael saw a familiar head walking towards them. He smiled as they got up close. “Hi.”
William looked up and stopped. “Oh. Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I’m good. You - how are you?”
James set his planks down. “Hello, sir.”
“There’s really no need for that,” William said. “You’re not on duty now.”
“Sorry,” James said.
Michael said, “I’m fine, thanks.”
“I’ll see you later?” It was a hopeful question and William’s eyes were filled with it too.
“Definitely,” Michael said. “Have to build a bench, but later…”
“I’ll catch up with you,” William said, promising.
Michael nodded. “That’d be cool.”
“Have fun with your bench,” William said, and walked on.
James raised an eyebrow.
“Shut up,” Michael said.
“You’re seeing him.”
“Not exactly.”
“Yeah, right.”
Michael started walking again. “It’s complicated.”
“Mate, it nearly always is,” James said, and set off again too.
He and James built a bench. It wasn’t perfect, but Rachel was happy with it. She and Isobel sat down on it, both smiling. It had taken them far longer than it should have, and Michael was exhausted and sweaty, but it was done. It needed varnishing, which James was going to do as soon as he could.
But Rachel was pleased and that was all that mattered. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Michael said. His hair was disgusting, all stuck up everywhere with sweat.
“Stay for dinner,” Rachel said.
“No, I’m right. I need to get a shower.”
“Sure?”
“Definitely.”
“Thank you for the bench.”
“You’re welcome.”
She kissed him goodbye, as usual, and Michael said goodbye to James too, and then left their garden and started to walk wearily home.
William was sitting on his doorstep. He smiled. “Hi.”
“I didn’t exactly mean right now,” Michael said, unlocking the door.
“Oh. I can go, if you’d like…”
“I’m joking. Seriously, is it the way I say it? I’m teasing.”
“Oh.”
“Maybe it’s a cultural thing.”
“Maybe.”
Michael started to make tea. It was nice to have someone to share tea with.
“Could we start over?”
“How do you mean?”
“I felt awful. I felt like I’d cheated on my wife just by kissing you, and I didn’t really explain myself.”
“No. You didn’t.”
William smiled. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. Look, the way I see it is, we’re all going to die sooner rather than later. I’m not even thirty years old and my death is staring me in the face. You might as well be honest and you might as well take happiness where you can find it.”
“Yes. That’s the conclusion I came to, too. She would want me to be happy.”
“Yes. She probably would.”
“You’re so honest. I like that,” William said.
“Don’t see the point of being any other way. I never did but I definitely don’t now.”
“It’s a rare quality.”
“You’re not honest with yourself,” Michael said. If William liked honest he could have it.
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“If you like me - and I kind of think that you do - then stop beating yourself up about things. There’s no point.”
William nodded slowly, and then came over to him at the counter, and kissed him, decisively. “So let’s start over.”
Michael kissed back, but could taste sweat on himself and pulled away. “I need to shower, I smell and I feel disgusting.”
“You are kind of sticky. Why did you build a bench?”
“Rachel wanted one. It made her happy.”
“That’s nice.”
Michael set off down the hall, aware that William was not only following him but also checking out every inch of his body. Michael could give quite a show if William wanted. He pulled his singlet over his head and dropped it in the bedroom doorway.
William didn’t seem to care how disgusting or sticky he was because he pushed Michael backwards on to the bed, kissing him hard, one hand on the back of his head. Michael scooted backwards and pulled William on top of him. William’s hands were all over Michael, tangling through his hair, thumbs rubbing his shoulders, his stomach, his hips.
William pulled back, one knee on the bed at the side of Michael, lying on him. “Can we-”
“Yes,” Michael said, without waiting to find out what.
William grinned and sat up to pull his shirt off. Michael pulled him back down straight away, relishing the feel of another man’s skin against his own again after so long. William was soft, and smooth, and warm.
“I never did this before,” he said.
“With a guy?”
“Yes.” William’s eyes moved over him. “I’m sorry if I fuck it up.”
“You won’t fuck it up,” Michael said. He shifted them so that William was next to him. “You pretty much can’t fuck this up.” He rested his hand on William’s hip.
“You’ve done this before?”
“Yes.”
“You’re… gay?”
Michael nodded.
“Have you always…?”
“Once I finally came out, yeah.”
“It took a while?”
“Now’s really not the time.”
William smiled. “Okay. So we can-”
“Yes. If you’d like.”
“I never have.”
“You said.”
“I’m nervous. I never wanted to, either.”
“That’s okay.”
He did look nervous, and Michael leant and kissed him gently.
“I’m not using you,” William said eventually. “I need you to know that.”
“I do.”
“I just-”
“William. Stop worrying.”
William stopped to take this in. “I like you. You infuriate me.”
Michael laughed. “Do you usually like people who infuriate you?”
“Yes. It’s interesting. I like it.”
“Good to know.”
“And you tease me, like that. Yes, I do like it.”
“I like you, too. You pissed me off, though. Leaving. Last time.”
“I promise I won’t tomorrow.”
“Thank you. You’re a man of your word.”
“Yes. I am.”
“So am I,” Michael said.
“Yeah,” William breathed. “I get that.”
There was a pause. Michael smiled. “I really stink.”
“No, you smell good. Earthy.”
“Earthy? Thanks, Will, great.”
William laughed. “You do, though. Like men.”
“Because you don’t get enough of that on a sub?”
“That’s different. It’s not like this.”
“Thank god. We’d never get any bloody work done.”
William laughed again and Michael could almost feel the last of his tension leave him. Michael felt happy. They were chest to chest, warm skin against warm skin, and soon they would have sex, but they had time to take it slowly. Michael didn’t want to scare William, but he did want to touch a little more.
“Jeans off,” Michael said, stroking William’s denim-clad thigh, kissing him.
“Okay,” Will agreed. He stood up, turned away and unthreaded his belt.
Michael did the same. It was only fair. They came back together, thighs entangled, fingers in hair, on hips, on thighs. William moaned and Michael took that as a good sign - he liked it even if he was nervous.
“Please, can you-” William started, breath hot in Michael’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. “Can you touch me?”
“Yes,” Michael said, and slipped his hand inside William’s boxers.
He’d forgotten how good it felt to touch someone other than himself. He kissed William’s jaw, holding him close.
William moaned again, still right in Michael’s ear. “Can I touch you?” he asked.
“Sure.”
“If I do it wrong-”
“Kind of can’t,” Michael laughed softly. “Just think about what would feel good to you.”
“That,” William said. “It feels good like that.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
William’s fingers were hesitant on him, palming him through his underwear. “Nice?”
Michael nodded. It had been too long and he didn’t trust himself not to say something stupid. “Come on, boxers off?”
William wriggled out of his, hips tilting obscenely as he did so. Michael did the same.
“So,” William said shyly. “You want me to keep doing that?”
“Yes. Does it feel good to you? Do you like doing it?”
“Yeah. I do.” William dropped his hand again. “It’s weird. But yeah.”
“Stop thinking about it too hard.”
“Sure. Okay.”
Michael turned them, sliding on top of William, rubbing pre-come over the head of his cock. William closed his eyes, moaning softly.
Back in the day Michael would have cared about safe sex but what was the point now? William didn’t say anything either. It wasn’t as if they were either really likely to screw anyone else, anyway.
Sex, when it came down to it, was as nihilistic as anything else in this new world.
William grimaced at the new sensations, but didn’t complain when Michael finally pushed inside of him. He worried at his lip, and his eyes were still tightly shut, so Michael tried to be as gentle as he could be, but it was difficult. It had been so long and Michael wanted to fuck him hard and come immediately, but he didn’t, even though it was almost physically painful not to.
William touched himself, allowing himself to look at Michael every so often. It was a tease, such a fucking tease. “Is this okay?” he asked.
“Fuck, yes. You look hot doing that.”
William coloured slightly. “Thanks.”
When he came, it was quiet and reserved, moaning lightly, spilling come across his stomach. He bit hard enough on his lip to draw blood and licked at it, looking up at Michael.
Michael came soon after, muttering nonsense.
They cleaned up awkwardly. William seemed to remove himself, emotionally. He moved around Michael’s bedroom as if he had no business being there. Michael slipped his underwear back on and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got back, William was lying in the bed again, sleepy, eyes almost closing.
Michael got in too and switched off the light.
“Goodnight, Michael,” William said in the darkness. He was closer than Michael had thought. He reached across the gap to touch William.
“God bless,” Michael said, as usual.
(Continued in Part 4.)
(Master post here.)