(no subject)
My mother's seeing someone. I keep remembering to write this post while I'm not at the computer then forgetting when I am, so since I'm here. It's been official for about two months now, I think? Yeah, probably since the very end of March.
He's called Norman, he's a similar age to my mum and he has a 14 year old daughter. Who's called Rebecca, haha. He's divorced and has been for about ten years. He's currently unemployed after being made redundant twice last year. He's really nice, very sweet and he seems to like my mum a whole lot. She knows him from church, and he plays in the Worship Group there.
I'm not bothered about this at all and there's a few reasons why:
1) It doesn't negate the 27 years she spent with my dad. I am living proof of those years, after all! It doesn't mean she loves my dad any less. It just means she's moving on.
2) She's 51, for crying out loud. (Her birthday was Wednesday and she buggered off to Egypt for a week!) She's got a lot of life left to live. She's lonely. I hate it when people I love are lonely.
3) My dad wouldn't want her to be lonely, either. I know that.
4) It doesn't really impact that much on my life. I don't live with my mother. I can see him or choose to not see him. MAYBE it would be different if I still lived with my mum.
5) Maybe the most important reason: Although my mother loves and adores Himself as her own son, I know that whoever I had chosen to settle down with, even if that person had been a woman, I know she would have been happy for me. That's got to work both ways. I can't demand that respect and then not give it back.
I'll admit that there's a small part of me, like maybe 10% of me thinking, "Well dad, you'd have no right to be mad about it, since if you hadn't killed yourself in the fucking first place she wouldn't have to be seeing anyone, would she?" I feel weird for admitting that, but it is absolute truth, and I think there's a part of her thinking the same thing.
I had a slightly weird moment a couple of weeks ago when I was arranging something for next weekend with her and asked if Norman wanted to come and she said, "Oh, he might, but he's got Rebecca that weekend so she'd have to come too." It was like, wow, my mother is like a stepmother. She's got someone else's childcare arrangements written in her diary! It was very weird, I think especially because I'm an only child, but still not a bad thing, you know?
My aunt and uncle were happy for her, and so were most of her friends. So, surprisingly, was my uncle - my dad's brother. I think I've said before how weird he can be? But he said to her that he'd thought in about January that it was likely she'd start seeing someone, and that he know my dad would want her to be happy. So that's good, I'm glad he wasn't weird with her.
Her friends Angela & Kevin do NOT approve. My dad knew Kevin since they were like 5 or something, and our families were close growing up because they have a daughter three weeks older than me. We holidayed together and all that business. And to be honest, they've treated my mother quite badly since my dad died. Angela even said to her, "It's hard for us to see you without John". Well no shit, you think it's easy for any of us? We also think that they blame my mum, that they think she could have done more to prevent his suicide. That's complete bullshit. She was there every step of the fucking way and seriously NO ONE blames her. I haven't blamed her for ONE MINUTE. If someone wants to complete suicide that badly they'll do it regardless of anyone else, you know?
Another friend of hers said, quite rightly, that no one who was at the funeral could blame her for a second since the vicar (a family friend) made it very clear. But crucially, Angela & Kevin weren't at the funeral. They had a holiday booked and went on it, which made another friend mad because she changed holiday dates (to some considerable expense) for the funeral. I'm not saying who's right and who's wrong there but I agree, if you'd heard what Dick said at the funeral you wouldn't blame my mum for a minute.
Angela & Kevin are going to be the ones who lose out here because they're going to lose my mum as much as they've lost my dad, you know? Sucks to be them, really.
You'll notice that I haven't mentioned Himself. Well. He's having a few problems dealing with it. Not Norman himself, it's not personal, and they actually have quite a lot in common. But more with the fact that my mother seeing someone means that my dad isn't coming back. I don't think he's accepted that yet. My mother and I are much further down the road of grief in that respect and I think it's because we talk about it a lot. Himself doesn't talk about it because "doesn't want to upset" either of us. Well sometimes that's just the way it has to go. There's been times when my mum's upset me and vice versa but we've had to do that in order to be honest with each other.
I've been trying to get him to talk about it for weeks and last Wednesday, on a lovely night away in York, he finally did. A bit. He did upset me (I was weepy because I'd had two Long Island Iced Teas and nothing to eat) a bit. He blamed himself for so long, thinking that he could have done more to stop my dad's paranoid delusions. It's complete and absolute rubbish, but it's stopping him moving on, I think.
I've been trying to phone Dick the vicar because I know he'd talk to Himself and would be honest and would listen to whatever Himself said without judgement. The secrets of the confessional would mean he'd never tell me or my mum what had been said. This is a man Himself trusts. I haven't managed to get hold of him yet, though. I'll let you know what happens when I do.
I'll tell you one thing Himself said though that was interesting. He was always fairly atheistic/nihilistic anyway, but he said that my dad's suicide killed whatever shred of faith he had left. I'd have to say the same thing. I can't see God/god in this at all. If god would like to walk with me in this, I can't feel the Spirit, you know? And yet my mother believes that it was God's plan for my dad and that God is around her all the time to help her heal. It's interesting. (And once again I'm so glad that most Christians have moved past out-fucking-dated notions of suicide which would, amongst other things, have prevented my dad from having a Proper Christan Burial.)
Wow this is a bit of a brain splurge, I'm sorry. Please do ask questions if you have any, I have a feeling I've left something really important out of this.
He's called Norman, he's a similar age to my mum and he has a 14 year old daughter. Who's called Rebecca, haha. He's divorced and has been for about ten years. He's currently unemployed after being made redundant twice last year. He's really nice, very sweet and he seems to like my mum a whole lot. She knows him from church, and he plays in the Worship Group there.
I'm not bothered about this at all and there's a few reasons why:
1) It doesn't negate the 27 years she spent with my dad. I am living proof of those years, after all! It doesn't mean she loves my dad any less. It just means she's moving on.
2) She's 51, for crying out loud. (Her birthday was Wednesday and she buggered off to Egypt for a week!) She's got a lot of life left to live. She's lonely. I hate it when people I love are lonely.
3) My dad wouldn't want her to be lonely, either. I know that.
4) It doesn't really impact that much on my life. I don't live with my mother. I can see him or choose to not see him. MAYBE it would be different if I still lived with my mum.
5) Maybe the most important reason: Although my mother loves and adores Himself as her own son, I know that whoever I had chosen to settle down with, even if that person had been a woman, I know she would have been happy for me. That's got to work both ways. I can't demand that respect and then not give it back.
I'll admit that there's a small part of me, like maybe 10% of me thinking, "Well dad, you'd have no right to be mad about it, since if you hadn't killed yourself in the fucking first place she wouldn't have to be seeing anyone, would she?" I feel weird for admitting that, but it is absolute truth, and I think there's a part of her thinking the same thing.
I had a slightly weird moment a couple of weeks ago when I was arranging something for next weekend with her and asked if Norman wanted to come and she said, "Oh, he might, but he's got Rebecca that weekend so she'd have to come too." It was like, wow, my mother is like a stepmother. She's got someone else's childcare arrangements written in her diary! It was very weird, I think especially because I'm an only child, but still not a bad thing, you know?
My aunt and uncle were happy for her, and so were most of her friends. So, surprisingly, was my uncle - my dad's brother. I think I've said before how weird he can be? But he said to her that he'd thought in about January that it was likely she'd start seeing someone, and that he know my dad would want her to be happy. So that's good, I'm glad he wasn't weird with her.
Her friends Angela & Kevin do NOT approve. My dad knew Kevin since they were like 5 or something, and our families were close growing up because they have a daughter three weeks older than me. We holidayed together and all that business. And to be honest, they've treated my mother quite badly since my dad died. Angela even said to her, "It's hard for us to see you without John". Well no shit, you think it's easy for any of us? We also think that they blame my mum, that they think she could have done more to prevent his suicide. That's complete bullshit. She was there every step of the fucking way and seriously NO ONE blames her. I haven't blamed her for ONE MINUTE. If someone wants to complete suicide that badly they'll do it regardless of anyone else, you know?
Another friend of hers said, quite rightly, that no one who was at the funeral could blame her for a second since the vicar (a family friend) made it very clear. But crucially, Angela & Kevin weren't at the funeral. They had a holiday booked and went on it, which made another friend mad because she changed holiday dates (to some considerable expense) for the funeral. I'm not saying who's right and who's wrong there but I agree, if you'd heard what Dick said at the funeral you wouldn't blame my mum for a minute.
Angela & Kevin are going to be the ones who lose out here because they're going to lose my mum as much as they've lost my dad, you know? Sucks to be them, really.
You'll notice that I haven't mentioned Himself. Well. He's having a few problems dealing with it. Not Norman himself, it's not personal, and they actually have quite a lot in common. But more with the fact that my mother seeing someone means that my dad isn't coming back. I don't think he's accepted that yet. My mother and I are much further down the road of grief in that respect and I think it's because we talk about it a lot. Himself doesn't talk about it because "doesn't want to upset" either of us. Well sometimes that's just the way it has to go. There's been times when my mum's upset me and vice versa but we've had to do that in order to be honest with each other.
I've been trying to get him to talk about it for weeks and last Wednesday, on a lovely night away in York, he finally did. A bit. He did upset me (I was weepy because I'd had two Long Island Iced Teas and nothing to eat) a bit. He blamed himself for so long, thinking that he could have done more to stop my dad's paranoid delusions. It's complete and absolute rubbish, but it's stopping him moving on, I think.
I've been trying to phone Dick the vicar because I know he'd talk to Himself and would be honest and would listen to whatever Himself said without judgement. The secrets of the confessional would mean he'd never tell me or my mum what had been said. This is a man Himself trusts. I haven't managed to get hold of him yet, though. I'll let you know what happens when I do.
I'll tell you one thing Himself said though that was interesting. He was always fairly atheistic/nihilistic anyway, but he said that my dad's suicide killed whatever shred of faith he had left. I'd have to say the same thing. I can't see God/god in this at all. If god would like to walk with me in this, I can't feel the Spirit, you know? And yet my mother believes that it was God's plan for my dad and that God is around her all the time to help her heal. It's interesting. (And once again I'm so glad that most Christians have moved past out-fucking-dated notions of suicide which would, amongst other things, have prevented my dad from having a Proper Christan Burial.)
Wow this is a bit of a brain splurge, I'm sorry. Please do ask questions if you have any, I have a feeling I've left something really important out of this.