omg a post. A Rant rather.
So recently its basically been me just wanted to stab myself so that all my problems will just dissapear.
Its been a year since jimmy was arrested. and i thought that i would be alright. but im not. im miserable. and people keep telling me to get over it. its been a year. and maybe he shouldnt touch little kids. and im sick of it. if you dont know what happened, dont fucking talk to me about what i should or shouldnt feel. im damaged. it left me damaged. for 11 years it was everything to me. i didnt have a life. if any of who who knew me before it all happened... i barely had an outside life. i was always at KARATE. i was always there or CVS. So forgive me for not being fucking fine 1 year later after 11 years of it. Im not okay. im not fucking ok. i think about it ALOT. EVERY DAY. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont wish i could get it back to the way it was. i would give up so much to get it back. and no one understands that except those that went through it. so dont tell me what do feel. dont tell me to get over it and stop living in the past. im not okay. in fact.. i feel empty. feels like i lost a big part of me..... more like something died inside of me.
School, midterms. need i say more?
People have been talking down to me lately. and its really starting to piss me off. even if its in a joking manner. its not helping right now. im not sure if you notice.. i actually do do work. just because im a tech ed major doesnt mean i dont work my ass off. so dont make fun of me just sitting around when i have free time. I need to unwind. my tech classes are all at least 2.5 hours long. AT LEAST. Not to mention i have to community service other then savac. Plus im a minority in my major. being a girl in a mostly guy class... lets see you handle it as well as i do. i get made fun of alot for being a girl. so thanks for putting me down. ANDDD In drafting today some kid had the nerve to mumble under his breath and say that i was slow and that i was an idiot. Just because i didnt get the drawing done as fast as he can apparently im apparently not worthy to be in his class. Well maybe people should say it to my face.. b.c i thought i was in college... were im in a class room full of men. Boy am i wrong... my class of mere boys, have to make themselves feel better by taking there frustration out of the girl. Well fuck you sir. I Work hard to be where i am.. and i dare you to take that away from me you fucking stupid ass freshmen.
SAVAC. oh savac.... im working my butt off.. and things keep breaking. i did a complete inventory. i work my friday night shifts and still havent cleared b.c i dont get any calls. i hate that. im an emt. i know i can do it. some one please get hurt! i also do like how the system is set up there. every single time something that by protocal is deemed ALS.. als is dispatched to the scene. even in SAVAC is in service. and most of the city doesnt like us because were 'just a bunch of kids' well fuck that. most of the cleared tech's are good emts and they ride some where else. just because we are a BLS bus only doesnt mean that were not capable of knowing what is or isnt ALS. See at home.. where i can actually tech my own calls... and where i actually get calls... i get to make the shots... i can decide if i want to just go.. or if i just want to call for als. rather then ALS being automatically dispatched and then have them tell us its fine if its a BLS call. retarted. oh and i hate the nurses at Oswego ER. there all mean, and ruthless. We know you dont like us at SAVAC.. so instead of ignoring us in the ER to piss us off... which then inturn pisses you off... why dont you just listen to my god damn report so that i can get the fuck out of the hospital b.c i dont want to be there as much as you dont want me there.
Im basically just pissed off at every one that is talking down to me... and taking advantage. No one knows what ive been through.. how ive delt with it.. how hard i worked to get here, how hard i still work.. and all effort that i put into everything. So dont judge, if you dont know. its not right. Dont take things out on people b.c your having a bad day. i dont do it. neither should you. I may rant, and rave and be pissed off, but instead of taking it out on people.. i find people that will listen. and i thank every one that i do it to. b.c they make my life fucking worth while.
oswego is really windy.
end of rant.
Its been a year since jimmy was arrested. and i thought that i would be alright. but im not. im miserable. and people keep telling me to get over it. its been a year. and maybe he shouldnt touch little kids. and im sick of it. if you dont know what happened, dont fucking talk to me about what i should or shouldnt feel. im damaged. it left me damaged. for 11 years it was everything to me. i didnt have a life. if any of who who knew me before it all happened... i barely had an outside life. i was always at KARATE. i was always there or CVS. So forgive me for not being fucking fine 1 year later after 11 years of it. Im not okay. im not fucking ok. i think about it ALOT. EVERY DAY. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont wish i could get it back to the way it was. i would give up so much to get it back. and no one understands that except those that went through it. so dont tell me what do feel. dont tell me to get over it and stop living in the past. im not okay. in fact.. i feel empty. feels like i lost a big part of me..... more like something died inside of me.
School, midterms. need i say more?
People have been talking down to me lately. and its really starting to piss me off. even if its in a joking manner. its not helping right now. im not sure if you notice.. i actually do do work. just because im a tech ed major doesnt mean i dont work my ass off. so dont make fun of me just sitting around when i have free time. I need to unwind. my tech classes are all at least 2.5 hours long. AT LEAST. Not to mention i have to community service other then savac. Plus im a minority in my major. being a girl in a mostly guy class... lets see you handle it as well as i do. i get made fun of alot for being a girl. so thanks for putting me down. ANDDD In drafting today some kid had the nerve to mumble under his breath and say that i was slow and that i was an idiot. Just because i didnt get the drawing done as fast as he can apparently im apparently not worthy to be in his class. Well maybe people should say it to my face.. b.c i thought i was in college... were im in a class room full of men. Boy am i wrong... my class of mere boys, have to make themselves feel better by taking there frustration out of the girl. Well fuck you sir. I Work hard to be where i am.. and i dare you to take that away from me you fucking stupid ass freshmen.
SAVAC. oh savac.... im working my butt off.. and things keep breaking. i did a complete inventory. i work my friday night shifts and still havent cleared b.c i dont get any calls. i hate that. im an emt. i know i can do it. some one please get hurt! i also do like how the system is set up there. every single time something that by protocal is deemed ALS.. als is dispatched to the scene. even in SAVAC is in service. and most of the city doesnt like us because were 'just a bunch of kids' well fuck that. most of the cleared tech's are good emts and they ride some where else. just because we are a BLS bus only doesnt mean that were not capable of knowing what is or isnt ALS. See at home.. where i can actually tech my own calls... and where i actually get calls... i get to make the shots... i can decide if i want to just go.. or if i just want to call for als. rather then ALS being automatically dispatched and then have them tell us its fine if its a BLS call. retarted. oh and i hate the nurses at Oswego ER. there all mean, and ruthless. We know you dont like us at SAVAC.. so instead of ignoring us in the ER to piss us off... which then inturn pisses you off... why dont you just listen to my god damn report so that i can get the fuck out of the hospital b.c i dont want to be there as much as you dont want me there.
Im basically just pissed off at every one that is talking down to me... and taking advantage. No one knows what ive been through.. how ive delt with it.. how hard i worked to get here, how hard i still work.. and all effort that i put into everything. So dont judge, if you dont know. its not right. Dont take things out on people b.c your having a bad day. i dont do it. neither should you. I may rant, and rave and be pissed off, but instead of taking it out on people.. i find people that will listen. and i thank every one that i do it to. b.c they make my life fucking worth while.
oswego is really windy.
end of rant.