(no subject)
It’s a really weird friendship we have. I realize as I look at key-hyung across our lunch table, scolding Jjong-hyung for who knows what again.
I glance down at the text he had sent this morning.
Neh pabo agi, I’m the only one!^^* <3
And it doesn’t fail to make me smile again.
**************the day before*********************************************
“Why can’t you appreciate anything I do!!? I’M DOING MY BEST OK!!” I scream at father.
“Well your best isn’t ENOUGH!!!” Dad yelled back at me. “You won’t get in anywhere if u keep this up Taemin!! Watch your grades!!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!!!? I’M NOT EVEN IN MY SENIOR YEAR!! WHAT DOSE IT MATTER THIS YEAR IF I PASS WITH A MARE 80%” At this point, I’m trying my best just to hold back the tears, and the huge lump forming in my throat is not making it any easier. I knew what was coming next. It was always the same thing every friggen time. I just close my eyes and prepare for it.
“If you don’t want to study then you can drop out of school, ok? I’m not forcing you to study. Might as well walkout of the house as well. And don’t bother showing me your face ever again. Got it?” he said in a voice cold enough to freeze hell over.
I don’t realize I’m clenching my fist until i feel a sharp pain on my palm. The lump in my throat felt too big at the moment and I was afraid that i might cry if I try to retaliate. It was useless talking to him anyway. And I couldn’t let him have the pleasure of seeing how much his words affect me. I close my eyes forcing back the tears but when it didn’t work, I decided that I had had enough.
I pushed past father, ran towards my room and slammed the door shut. It was satisfying to hear the door make a loud bang.
I threw myself on my bed and cried; hugging the pillow like my life depended on it. I know it’s not manly to cry, but it felt good to let it all out. It felt so good that I didn’t even realize when I fell asleep.
I regained consciousness a few hours later but I felt so tired I couldn’t even lift my head without effort. I glance towards my alarm clock on the side table. 8:00PM it read in bright blue letters. I closed my eyes and thought about my fight with father.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my father was a great guy. In fact he had been a very good father to me, raising me single-handedly and all but sometimes, he was a little too much. I know that he’s worried about my future and our financial status doesn’t make it any better with father juggling four jobs a week. I know he just wants me to have a better life, but sometimes…
I always heat people saying how someone has always been there for them to get them through the tough times, someone they could lean on. Was this what they call “tough times”? More importantly, did I have someone I could “lean on”? Do I trust anyone enough to throw away my pride and let them in? I couldn’t be sure whether I had someone who would not judge me for being me. No, I don’t think I did.
But a tiny voice inside my head whispered a name. “Kibum”. It had said.
But did I really trust him? He was the closest thing to a best friend I had. The thing was, did he feel the same way about me? Does e also feel the connection I feel when it’s only two of us? I always felt like I could tell him anything, but would he laugh at me of I do? Would he think that I was just being unreasonable and childish? He wouldn’t, would he?
I decide to take the risk and before I can change my mind, I take my hand phone and text him.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
You awake hyung?
Hyung help me, I don’t know what to do…………I feel like..
I didn’t take time to think of an appropriate message, just typed that and sent it. But after a second or so I realised how desperate it sounded. But well, if he was my true friend he won’t care right?
I am able hold myself for about thirty seconds before checking my phone. No reply.
8:09 PM. No reply.
8:13 PM. Nope.
8:15 PM. ……
8:16 PM. No.
8:18 Pm……
8:20 PM…
AISH! THAT’S IT I GIVE UP! It told me everything I needed to know about how he felt about me. I’m not even gonna bother anymore.
I get up and walk towards my computer. With nothing better to do, I log on to facebook. I ignore the messages, friend requests and notifications. All I wanted to do was change my status.
Why do I feel so lonely? I thought I had friends, but was I wrong? They aren’t there when I need
them anyway. Why do I even exist?
That made me feel a little better. Maybe I should vent out more.
I was about to log out when I received a message. It was from Jinki-hyung, It dissapointed me bit. I may or may not have been hoping that it was Kibum. I didn’t want Jinki-hyung, I wanted -
Hey you ok Taemin-ah? From your status you seemed really depressed. Did I do something wrong? Sorry if I did.. cheer up!! ^^
He ended the message with a picture of a teddy bear wearing a shirt saying “cheer up!!”.
Any other day it would have made me feel better, but not today. Not when I felt so betrayed by Kibum. I wanted him to say those things to me, not the class president. I don’t bother to reply, shut down the computer and head towards my bed.
I lay my head on the pillow and try to sleep. I twist and turn trying to make myself comfortable, but it’s no use. I HAVE to check my phone. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I feel relived to see that I had received a new message.
To: Taemin
From: Kibum
Minnie? What happened? Tell me!!!
Do I need to come over? Please don’t kill yourself!!!
I didn’t have to think of a reply, it came automatically.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
It’s nothing hyung. I’m over it now. G-nite.
Yeah, I didn’t tell him. He lost the chance to get me to open up when he decided to reply late. Just then I felt the phone buzz in my hands. Another message from Kibum.
From:Kibum
To:Taemin
YAH LEE TAEMIN YOU BETTER TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON BEFORE I COME OVER AND BRUST DOWN THE DOOR!!.
I knew those were just empty threats cause no way could Kim Kibum bust down a door! Especially seeing how much he was scared of my father.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
Don’t bother. You don’t really care. No one does. I’m sleeping now.
I know he’ll understand what I meant with that. After that, I throw the phone towards the general direction of the laundry basket. A gentle thud informed me that it had landed perfectly. Maybe I should join the basket-ball team. Maybe I’d get closer to Minho-hyung then.
As soon as I close my eyes, I enter the land of nothingness.
I had a strange dream that night.
I was on stage in my dance clothes but everyone was urging me to sing. Someone handed me a mic and pushed me forward. I could feel the eyes of the audience burning holes in my head waiting for me to sing but I was too petrified to even open my mouth. What was I supposed to sing anyway? A song randomly came to my head. A-yo by some boy band I forget the name of, but how did the lyrics go again?
Just then the music to the song started playing and Kibum stepped on stage. He had a mic in hands too. Was he going to sing with me??
He walked towards me, looked straight in to my eyes and started singing.
Sometimes, you walk alone
You stop for a moment and take a look around
When you’re tired of the feeling of being alone
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
You fall asleep alone again
You try hard to doze off
You close my worn out eyes
When you still can’t sleep
Because of the many, many thoughts
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak, lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak, lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Your IQ is two digits, test scores are also two digits
School rank is three digits, why in the world, why, why
Throughout the entire day, only nagging returns
What are you doing at your desk today, why why
During this breathless day
Even if there’s no place to rest, oh, oh
Never become weak, ah, ah
No way, no way
Even if there’s no one
To understand your grieving heart, oh, oh
Never give up, ah, ah
Your way, your way
A-yo, when you can’t sleep
Tap brush it off, leave it to the rhythm, oh
With the anticipation of the unfolding tomorrow
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Person I trusted, I gave you my best
But your love that changes
Like seasons do, bye, goodbye
[Minho] Saying that you don’t have time
The lies I endured every day
[Taemin] Pretending like I didn’t know
I believed that you return back then, back then
Even if tears sometimes
Cover both your eyes
Never become weak, ah, ah
No way, no way
Even if it seems there’s no end
To sleepless night, oh, oh
Never give up, ah, ah
Your way, your way
A-yo, when you can’t sleep
Tap brush it off, leave it to the rhythm, oh
With the anticipation of the unfolding tomorrow
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Woo~
When it’s tough, think
About who will greet you
As I wait for you to come
I’m smiling for you, hey
Woo~
When you can’t sleep, wait
For another unfolding tomorrow
When this night passes
You’ll come to me
Sometimes, you walk alone
You stop for a moment and take a look around
When you’re tired of the feeling of being alone
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
You fall asleep alone again
You try hard to doze off
You close my worn out eyes
When you still can’t sleep
Because of the many, many thoughts
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak
Lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Bring it side to side, your sad tears
Side to side, all your pain
Tap, brush it off
Leave it to the rhythm, oh
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
As soon as he started singing the crowd disappeared and only his voice echoed through the empty stage, whit the background music coming from who knows where. Not that I cared about the background music. All I knew was that my Kibum hyung was there with me on stage, singing to me to count on him and that he’s there for me. I felt my eyes becoming warm with unshed tears. As he ended the song, he pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear,” I’m waiting for you to come.”
I closed my eyes and let the tears flow freely.
I wake up at that and I feel wetness on my cheek. Was I crying while sleeping? I let out a chuckle at that. I stand and walk towards the laundry basket to pick up my phone. As expected, I see a message from Kibum Hyung.
From: Kibum
To: Pabo Taemin
Listen here you brat cuz I’ll only say this once. I may not be there for you physically but know that I’ll always be there for you emotionally. You say you’re alone but have you looked around yourself? You’re surrounded by people who love you!! Minho loves you, Dumb and dummer hyungs love you. I love you Minnie. Don’t you dare accuse me of not caring for you!!! I care for you so much it fucking hurts seeing you like this!! We may not shout out to the world that you’re my best friend like dumb and dummer but that doesn’t mean we aren’t, got that? Idiot.
That guy will never stop being a diva, will he??looks like I owe him an apology.
From:Pabo Taemin
To: loving umma.
I’m sorry hyung. You’re the only one…
After that I start getting ready for school but fro some reason, I couldn’t stop grinning. And my stomach felt weird too. I decided to skip breakfast. I was late anyway.
Even father was surprised! “uh…Taemin-ah why are you smiling so much?”
“Nothing appa! Bye!”
As son as I reach the school ground, the final bell rings signaling us to head over to our classes immediately. The teacher walked in as soon as I set my butt on my chair. That was a close call.
I feel my handphone vibrating and I see another message form Kibum Hyung.
From: Umma
To: agi.
“Neh pabo agi, I’m the only one!^^* <3”
For some reason I couldn’t stop grinning the whole day. My heart ad stomach felt weird too. Is this how it feels when you’re happy??
I glance down at the text he had sent this morning.
Neh pabo agi, I’m the only one!^^* <3
And it doesn’t fail to make me smile again.
**************the day before*********************************************
“Why can’t you appreciate anything I do!!? I’M DOING MY BEST OK!!” I scream at father.
“Well your best isn’t ENOUGH!!!” Dad yelled back at me. “You won’t get in anywhere if u keep this up Taemin!! Watch your grades!!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!!!? I’M NOT EVEN IN MY SENIOR YEAR!! WHAT DOSE IT MATTER THIS YEAR IF I PASS WITH A MARE 80%” At this point, I’m trying my best just to hold back the tears, and the huge lump forming in my throat is not making it any easier. I knew what was coming next. It was always the same thing every friggen time. I just close my eyes and prepare for it.
“If you don’t want to study then you can drop out of school, ok? I’m not forcing you to study. Might as well walkout of the house as well. And don’t bother showing me your face ever again. Got it?” he said in a voice cold enough to freeze hell over.
I don’t realize I’m clenching my fist until i feel a sharp pain on my palm. The lump in my throat felt too big at the moment and I was afraid that i might cry if I try to retaliate. It was useless talking to him anyway. And I couldn’t let him have the pleasure of seeing how much his words affect me. I close my eyes forcing back the tears but when it didn’t work, I decided that I had had enough.
I pushed past father, ran towards my room and slammed the door shut. It was satisfying to hear the door make a loud bang.
I threw myself on my bed and cried; hugging the pillow like my life depended on it. I know it’s not manly to cry, but it felt good to let it all out. It felt so good that I didn’t even realize when I fell asleep.
I regained consciousness a few hours later but I felt so tired I couldn’t even lift my head without effort. I glance towards my alarm clock on the side table. 8:00PM it read in bright blue letters. I closed my eyes and thought about my fight with father.
I have never felt so alone in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my father was a great guy. In fact he had been a very good father to me, raising me single-handedly and all but sometimes, he was a little too much. I know that he’s worried about my future and our financial status doesn’t make it any better with father juggling four jobs a week. I know he just wants me to have a better life, but sometimes…
I always heat people saying how someone has always been there for them to get them through the tough times, someone they could lean on. Was this what they call “tough times”? More importantly, did I have someone I could “lean on”? Do I trust anyone enough to throw away my pride and let them in? I couldn’t be sure whether I had someone who would not judge me for being me. No, I don’t think I did.
But a tiny voice inside my head whispered a name. “Kibum”. It had said.
But did I really trust him? He was the closest thing to a best friend I had. The thing was, did he feel the same way about me? Does e also feel the connection I feel when it’s only two of us? I always felt like I could tell him anything, but would he laugh at me of I do? Would he think that I was just being unreasonable and childish? He wouldn’t, would he?
I decide to take the risk and before I can change my mind, I take my hand phone and text him.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
You awake hyung?
Hyung help me, I don’t know what to do…………I feel like..
I didn’t take time to think of an appropriate message, just typed that and sent it. But after a second or so I realised how desperate it sounded. But well, if he was my true friend he won’t care right?
I am able hold myself for about thirty seconds before checking my phone. No reply.
8:09 PM. No reply.
8:13 PM. Nope.
8:15 PM. ……
8:16 PM. No.
8:18 Pm……
8:20 PM…
AISH! THAT’S IT I GIVE UP! It told me everything I needed to know about how he felt about me. I’m not even gonna bother anymore.
I get up and walk towards my computer. With nothing better to do, I log on to facebook. I ignore the messages, friend requests and notifications. All I wanted to do was change my status.
Why do I feel so lonely? I thought I had friends, but was I wrong? They aren’t there when I need
them anyway. Why do I even exist?
That made me feel a little better. Maybe I should vent out more.
I was about to log out when I received a message. It was from Jinki-hyung, It dissapointed me bit. I may or may not have been hoping that it was Kibum. I didn’t want Jinki-hyung, I wanted -
Hey you ok Taemin-ah? From your status you seemed really depressed. Did I do something wrong? Sorry if I did.. cheer up!! ^^
He ended the message with a picture of a teddy bear wearing a shirt saying “cheer up!!”.
Any other day it would have made me feel better, but not today. Not when I felt so betrayed by Kibum. I wanted him to say those things to me, not the class president. I don’t bother to reply, shut down the computer and head towards my bed.
I lay my head on the pillow and try to sleep. I twist and turn trying to make myself comfortable, but it’s no use. I HAVE to check my phone. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I feel relived to see that I had received a new message.
To: Taemin
From: Kibum
Minnie? What happened? Tell me!!!
Do I need to come over? Please don’t kill yourself!!!
I didn’t have to think of a reply, it came automatically.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
It’s nothing hyung. I’m over it now. G-nite.
Yeah, I didn’t tell him. He lost the chance to get me to open up when he decided to reply late. Just then I felt the phone buzz in my hands. Another message from Kibum.
From:Kibum
To:Taemin
YAH LEE TAEMIN YOU BETTER TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON BEFORE I COME OVER AND BRUST DOWN THE DOOR!!.
I knew those were just empty threats cause no way could Kim Kibum bust down a door! Especially seeing how much he was scared of my father.
To: Kibum
From: Taemin
Don’t bother. You don’t really care. No one does. I’m sleeping now.
I know he’ll understand what I meant with that. After that, I throw the phone towards the general direction of the laundry basket. A gentle thud informed me that it had landed perfectly. Maybe I should join the basket-ball team. Maybe I’d get closer to Minho-hyung then.
As soon as I close my eyes, I enter the land of nothingness.
I had a strange dream that night.
I was on stage in my dance clothes but everyone was urging me to sing. Someone handed me a mic and pushed me forward. I could feel the eyes of the audience burning holes in my head waiting for me to sing but I was too petrified to even open my mouth. What was I supposed to sing anyway? A song randomly came to my head. A-yo by some boy band I forget the name of, but how did the lyrics go again?
Just then the music to the song started playing and Kibum stepped on stage. He had a mic in hands too. Was he going to sing with me??
He walked towards me, looked straight in to my eyes and started singing.
Sometimes, you walk alone
You stop for a moment and take a look around
When you’re tired of the feeling of being alone
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
You fall asleep alone again
You try hard to doze off
You close my worn out eyes
When you still can’t sleep
Because of the many, many thoughts
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak, lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak, lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Your IQ is two digits, test scores are also two digits
School rank is three digits, why in the world, why, why
Throughout the entire day, only nagging returns
What are you doing at your desk today, why why
During this breathless day
Even if there’s no place to rest, oh, oh
Never become weak, ah, ah
No way, no way
Even if there’s no one
To understand your grieving heart, oh, oh
Never give up, ah, ah
Your way, your way
A-yo, when you can’t sleep
Tap brush it off, leave it to the rhythm, oh
With the anticipation of the unfolding tomorrow
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Person I trusted, I gave you my best
But your love that changes
Like seasons do, bye, goodbye
[Minho] Saying that you don’t have time
The lies I endured every day
[Taemin] Pretending like I didn’t know
I believed that you return back then, back then
Even if tears sometimes
Cover both your eyes
Never become weak, ah, ah
No way, no way
Even if it seems there’s no end
To sleepless night, oh, oh
Never give up, ah, ah
Your way, your way
A-yo, when you can’t sleep
Tap brush it off, leave it to the rhythm, oh
With the anticipation of the unfolding tomorrow
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
Woo~
When it’s tough, think
About who will greet you
As I wait for you to come
I’m smiling for you, hey
Woo~
When you can’t sleep, wait
For another unfolding tomorrow
When this night passes
You’ll come to me
Sometimes, you walk alone
You stop for a moment and take a look around
When you’re tired of the feeling of being alone
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
You fall asleep alone again
You try hard to doze off
You close my worn out eyes
When you still can’t sleep
Because of the many, many thoughts
Follow me then, follow me, me, eh
A-yo, when it’s tough
Doong tah dak
Lean on the rhythm, oh
With our song for you
Bring it side to side, your sad tears
Side to side, all your pain
Tap, brush it off
Leave it to the rhythm, oh
Everyone a-yo, everyone a-yo
As soon as he started singing the crowd disappeared and only his voice echoed through the empty stage, whit the background music coming from who knows where. Not that I cared about the background music. All I knew was that my Kibum hyung was there with me on stage, singing to me to count on him and that he’s there for me. I felt my eyes becoming warm with unshed tears. As he ended the song, he pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear,” I’m waiting for you to come.”
I closed my eyes and let the tears flow freely.
I wake up at that and I feel wetness on my cheek. Was I crying while sleeping? I let out a chuckle at that. I stand and walk towards the laundry basket to pick up my phone. As expected, I see a message from Kibum Hyung.
From: Kibum
To: Pabo Taemin
Listen here you brat cuz I’ll only say this once. I may not be there for you physically but know that I’ll always be there for you emotionally. You say you’re alone but have you looked around yourself? You’re surrounded by people who love you!! Minho loves you, Dumb and dummer hyungs love you. I love you Minnie. Don’t you dare accuse me of not caring for you!!! I care for you so much it fucking hurts seeing you like this!! We may not shout out to the world that you’re my best friend like dumb and dummer but that doesn’t mean we aren’t, got that? Idiot.
That guy will never stop being a diva, will he??looks like I owe him an apology.
From:Pabo Taemin
To: loving umma.
I’m sorry hyung. You’re the only one…
After that I start getting ready for school but fro some reason, I couldn’t stop grinning. And my stomach felt weird too. I decided to skip breakfast. I was late anyway.
Even father was surprised! “uh…Taemin-ah why are you smiling so much?”
“Nothing appa! Bye!”
As son as I reach the school ground, the final bell rings signaling us to head over to our classes immediately. The teacher walked in as soon as I set my butt on my chair. That was a close call.
I feel my handphone vibrating and I see another message form Kibum Hyung.
From: Umma
To: agi.
“Neh pabo agi, I’m the only one!^^* <3”
For some reason I couldn’t stop grinning the whole day. My heart ad stomach felt weird too. Is this how it feels when you’re happy??