Of Regrets and Chances
TITLE: Of Regrets and Chances
PAIRING: main!KyuhyunxSungmin, side!EunhyukxDonghae, slight!SungminxYesung, side!YesungxRyeowook
GENRE: Drama, Romance
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: Language, Yaoi
DISCLAIMER: Nope, not the characters, just the plot
SUMMARY: Kyuhyun regrets everything. A dimpled-magical creature came in rescue to help him. Chances are, traveling back in time and the hopes of getting Sungmin's heart.
[Lee Sungmin, are you...happy?]
He felt like a fool standing in this amidst of joyful crowd applauding, cheering and congratulating, plastering a smile on his face even though it’s killing him to see his one and only life, his reason for existence walk down the aisle in that lovely wedding dress as the romantic piece, more of like a funeral song for him, continues to play solely on the background.
HE is stunning, beautiful as ever.
But the scene is suffocating.
He can’t breathe.
~~¯¯¯~~
“KyuBear…”
Kyuhyun stopped making out with some random girl he had hit from a particular club when he heard a familiar voice and a knock across the room. He stepped out from the bed to face its owner.
“What is it Min? Disturb me later I’m busy now,”
He said almost irritatingly as he nudges on the door, opened it slightly enough for his torso to be seen outside. The smaller boy didn’t seem to notice the annoyed look on his face.
Sungmin gulps; his face starts to redden at the view of his shirtless best friend with messy hair and few beads of sweats on the forehead.
“ah..uhn, I was thinking if uhm, you have something to do tonight I mean because tonight is you know…” he tried to deliberate while doing his best not to stammer from nervousness and obviously, from distraction.
He was about to finish his sentence when an unlikely object butted in. A red thong appeared flying out of nowhere and it landed on Kyuhyun’s head. Sungmin squealed in surprise.
“Oppa, aren’t you done there yet? I’m waiting~~”.
And that’s how it strikes Sungmin.
“See, I told you I’m busy.”
Kyuhyun bluntly stated, smirking as he twirls the red object on his index finger as if being proud of what he's doing.
“I-I’m so sorry…I….Its nothing actually...” Sungmin apologizes as he backed away; avoiding anymore interaction with his bestfriend.
He swallowed hard, his voice about to crack while he tries his best to counter the tears threatening to rush out of his heavy eyelids in no time.
And his poor heart, he can hear it screaming for survival once again, just like any other nights when Kyuhyun would feel like bringing girls over the dorms and have his busy times.
But Kyuhyun’s ears were deaf by desire to even hear those messages behind the faltering voice telling him to stop.
His eyes were too clouded with lust for pleasure to notice those tears already trying to make its way on the poor boy’s eyes.
He is way too dumb to even feel the aching of Sungmin’s heart.
He headed back to continue what he wants to do, what he feels to do and what he believes that would make him happy that night. Setting aside something he’ll regret for the rest of his life.
Sungmin was left at the backdoor. Unable to keep it anymore; he finally let all his emotions out. He drew out a photograph from his pocket and sadly stares at it,
A cute 9-year old boy was grinning happily, sitting on the swing with his hands pulling on the jacket of a younger looking boy behind him who’s smiling awkwardly. It was precious, taken from the place they had first met.
“Happy 10th friendship anniversary KyuBear…”
Sungmin thought this would be the last straw, the last moment he wanted to treasure, before he finally decides to forget his feelings for the younger one. Yes, he’s been madly in-love with his bestfriend, fifteen years ago, the same day. Kyuhyun seemed to be unmindful so he had kept everything inside him and optimistically prayed that sooner or maybe later, the boy can harbor the same feelings and eventually, get developed too. Many times he contemplated if he should confess but he also values their friendship, he can’t afford to lose both.
Waiting is just an awful job, especially when you’re not certain that someone you had been expecting has plans of coming anyway. Sungmin had his heart broken so many times already; he’s a human too…and Kyuhyun being a playboy is not really helping the fatigue building up on him.
So he came to this decision, after tonight he would end all this daydreaming and hopes, he’d bury everything he felt for Kyuhyun and accept the fact that they can’t ever be more than ‘best friends’, because Kyuhyun doesn’t, couldn’t, and just wouldn't feel the same way.
Sungmin thought this would be the last straw, the last moment he wanted to treasure, what a way for Kyuhyun to shatter it.
He clutches the picture on his chest and ran his way outside the door and through the heavy rained street.
~~¯¯¯~~
That was the last time, for as long as Kyuhyun could remember that Sungmin called him
KyuBear.
You know, the term his MinBunny frequently uses to comfort Kyuhyun when the times get rough.
The endearment he would always call him when HE wants Kyuhyun to be aware of his presence.
The name HE would pout when Kyuhyun ignores him.
That affectionate word that comforts Kyuhyun at the moment he needed it the most.
That phrase when said, as if on cue, by the loveliest voice he has ever heard, can turn his stormy sea into a calm oasis. Can change his hell into heaven, can make his weakness into strengths. Can make everything wrong seems right.
Oh how he wished someday that he might hear it from Sungmin again.
~~¯¯¯~~
"You don't understand a thing Kyuhyun. You'll really never understand!"
Those cold, frigid words struck Kyuhyun so hard. His sweet Minnie never told him something like that before. Why did he suddenly, change? What did he done wrong?
He kept on repeating this same question over and over again to himself. But Kyuhyun, at that time, even though he was acclaimed to be the smartest student in his class was too clueless to realize how his best friend really feels for him.
He decided to let that incident pass; he was too tired to talk to Sungmin about it even if yeah, it bothers him. The next day everything was back to normal. Sungmin apologized for being rude and used his grades as a perfect excuse. Though HIS swollen eyes and puffy cheeks tells Kyuhyun that somehow it's very unlikely for a Sungmin to bawl over some low exams result over night, nonetheless, he dismissed it quickly in his mind.
"At least everything's the same again."
That's what Kyuhyun thought.
~~¯¯¯~~
"I've decided to date Yesung-sshi, Kyuhyun-ah,"
Sungmin simply stated, while finishing the spoon of chocolate ice cream on his cup. There they were staring through the empty void above them one-cloudy-but-miraculously-starry-kind-of-night. Kyuhyun almost drop his cup. This was too unexpected. He suspected this Yesung guy was having a little crush over his friend but...
"Minnie, are you sure of what you are doing? I mean, no offense, I had no grudges for that guy but you only met him more than a month ago."
Sungmin only smiled and replied, “He’s a good person Kyu, I know his intention is just to make me happy, and so far…he’s doing a decent job.”
Kyuhyun hadn’t need a say anymore, he feels glad for his best friend. Is he? Perhaps, he needs to be. But why does it feel heavy on his side? It doesn’t feel right.
Is it because it hurts to know Sungmin is being happy for some other reason aside from him?
Is it because it bothers him so much that now, he’s not only the reason why his best friend can smile so carefree?
He couldn’t be jealous. So he shut his mouth and wished his best friend for the best.
If he only noticed the bitterness behind Sungmin’s faked cheerful voice;
The tears that was about to gather upon the corners of Sungmin’s sad eyes, begging to be caught.
He was hoping that his best friend might see he wasn’t really happy…
…because the way he can only be, is with Kyuhyun.
And Kyuhyun wondered why the stars seemed to be so gloomy that night…
~~¯¯¯~~
The days passes by, weeks, months, almost a year, and it seemed like Sungmin and Yesung’s relationship was of a flower, it continues to blossom.
And Kyuhyun, on the other hand, started to become miserable while he struggles to figure out his true feelings.
Something wallops his chest whenever he saw those hands intertwined together while he thought of how that smooth silky white hand could fit his slim fingers perfectly. Then, there’s this burning sensation from his eyes that starts to smolder until the very inch of his soul. It seethes his whole being until the moment he can’t take it anymore.
It couldn't be... that he’s in-love with Sungmin, right?
No, the word is too deep and pure that it’s almost forbidden to be part of a wasted person like Kyuhyun; And Sungmin is his bestfriend for Pete’s sake!
So he chose to stay there, composed, stiff and unnoticed, hidden on the shadows of that foolish smile, when inside he was completely confused, distressed and deranged at the same time.
If it’s really that strange foreign thing called love, he concluded he doesn’t deserve it anyway, especially Sungmin’s.
The worst part of the feeling is that, it seemed to never subside even a bit. The stupid sentiment only stayed to grew stronger inside him.
And he’s drowning.
~~¯¯¯~~
“W-why are y-you doing this to me K-Kyuhyun?” Sungmin broke out within sobs.
Kyuhyun was rooted on his feet unable to move. Not because of the freezing raindrops, or the pain in his right cheek caused by the hard slap he got from the latter.
He kissed him.
He fucking kissed Sungmin.
What else is there to do?
He just needed to do something before he explodes and went mental, but it ended up all completely ruined.
They stayed like that for minutes, which Kyuhyun felt like eternities. Sungmin crouched hugging his knees with a broken heart. Kyuhyun, was stoned there, his mind still refused to process anything.
“Sungmin I….I….It was a mistake.” Kyuhyun’s voice trailed when his system managed to function again, panic evident. He reached for the other but his hands were pried away;
“Of course, let’s pretend this never happened…”
Sungmin countered. It was monotonous. Kyuhyun can’t really determine what the emotion behind it was which made him even more guilty and scared.
Dead silence.
“If you may…Yesung’s waiting for me.”
And with that Sungmin started walking off.
Kyuhyun watches Sungmin’s retreating back slowly vanish amidst the pouring rain.
He can’t believe he just let all the remaining chance he has to slip away like that.
He should’ve run for him and took back what he said, that he’s not sorry even for a bit, that he swears he meant that kiss from his heart.
He swears he wanted to confess.
He swears he wanted to let Sungmin know how badly he was being jealous whenever he’s with Yesung. He swears he wanted to protect him more than anyone can.
He swears…Sungmin had grown to be the most important person to him…more than just another close friend.
But those three needed words, why do they wouldn’t slip out from his mouth even if he tries so hard?
~~¯¯¯~~
And because he’s more fruitless than a coward, he’s here now present in this wedding as his best friend’s best man. He’s not surprised; he’s supposed to see this coming after all right? That raining night, when Kyuhyun made his biggest idiocy, was the same night Yesung proposed to Sungmin. And of course Sungmin said yes.
What happened between them that night was completely forgotten, as Sungmin suggested. Everything was back to normal and the friendship remained. Deep inside Kyuhyun wished Sungmin ignored him instead so it was much easier for him to handle his feelings and the necessity to fake a smile was not needed anymore.
“What a lovely couple! They match each other really well! Sungmin was very lucky to have Yesung-sshi!”
Oh please, Kyuhyun snorted, those ajuhmma should learn how to behave themselves in proper events like this and stop acting like teenage fan girls for drama couples. And how could they even say that Sungmin was very lucky to have the weirdo turtle lover- yes because that’s what Kyuhyun preferred calling him after he learned that the guy was petting a turtle to kill past time and even talking to it but of course he kept it to himself-as a husband? Are they for real? It’s the other way around! Sungmin was the most perfect creature he had ever laid his eyes on.
But how come a weirdo deserved him better than you? Kyuhyun wanted to spat back at his inner self but there was really no snarky response that he could think of, coz it’s true. Sungmin is perfect, too perfect to be with a jerk like him. Maybe that’s why the heavens had let him be with someone else, because even though Yesung was a creep and all, there was never a time he let Sungmin sad, unlike Kyuhyun.
The ceremony had ended and the reception came forth without Kyuhyun even noticing. Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind. He was too engrossed sulking in one corner and not really paying attention on what’s happening around him. His gaze is transfixed at one person sitting at the center table since no one knows-Sungmin. While his mind is drifting away, from the first time they had met, the times they had shared together to the times he wished that never had happened, the actions he wished he hadn’t made leaving him heart broken and more wasted than he can ever be. It fucking hurts. He sighed, so yeah it’s true. You do realize the importance of someone when they’re completely gone, away from you, out of your grasp.
“Kyuhyun, you alright?”
Kyuhyun felt a light tap on his right shoulder taking him away from his trance. “Yes hyung I’m fine.” The truth is he was trying to convince himself more than anybody. He knew he failed when the latter look at him with even more concern.
“Donghae hyung, I’d gladly appreciate you stop giving me that look.” he started, he wasn’t in the mood to say what he was thinking, he never was. His cousin was about to open his mouth to say something but then decided against it. He was relieved when his Donghae hyung returned back on his chair and didn’t press anymore.
Meanwhile he slumped back onto his chair and was back in his staring business; almost jumping from his seat when someone caught him in the act, their eyes meeting. He smiled. Sungmin noticed and smiled at him. He smiled sweetly like he was having the best time of his life.
All he could do was to smile back, a forced one that never reached his ears. Kyuhyun wondered where he had pulled the courage to put up something like that while calming his beating heart.
~~¯¯¯~~
“Ladies and gentlemen we are about to start the reception program for the newly-weds. The bride’s brother, Mr. Lee Hyukjae made a slideshow presentation especially dedicated for the couple. We will show them after everyone had finished their dinner.” The emcee announced.
“How could you make a slideshow without my consent?” Donghae said; annoyed at his boyfriend who just returned from taking photographs.
“Sungmin asked me to. He said it should be a surprise so I haven’t told anyone. Why are you being so mad? I’m just trying to make a little favor for my brother here. ”, the raven-haired quickly defended.
Donghae sighed frustratingly; he realized Kyuhyun’s sulking presence behind them and tried his best to keep the argument invisible, although it’s quite impossible because of the volume of (his) their voices. Donghae raised an eyebrow, “Well, first of all I’m your boyfriend and you shouldn’t for any circumstances, you aren’t suppose to hide any secret from me and second…”, he continued,” See that guy three chairs away from us? That poor boy over there already tore his heart just to be here in one piece thanks to you he’s bound to suffer more. And please take note, He’s your FRIEND too Hyukkie and my cousin for that matter, not some random guys from elsewhere, couldn’t you be more considerate huh?”
Hyukjae gave a disapproving look on the said man before drawing his attention back to his lover, only to be met by a pout. He placed a hand around his lover’s waist and heave an aggravated sigh deciding he should say his dialogue nicer than his original plan, “Hae, this is the best I could advice for your cousin, tell him to move on already. I mean, what is left there to do? My brother is a happily married man now. If he love my brother so much why hadn’t he took the chance to confess before? My brother had waited so long for his feelings to be reciprocated but it never happened. The brat just kept on hurting him.” Hyukjae grimaced on the memory of seeing his brother cry on their room so many times before, “I feel sorry for Kyuhyun too, but you can’t blame me for supporting the happiness of my brother now, do you?”
Donghae bit his lip, which Hyukjae found so charming that he felt the sudden urge to kiss those lips. “Hmm…Hyukkie maybe you are right. But I’m still worried about Kyu.”
This time it’s Hyukjae’s turn to pout, “Why are you so concerned about your cousin anyway Hae; do you like him or what?”
The question was intended to be a joke for Hyukjae but Donghae, who narrowed his eyes and gape at the stupidity of the question-it took him ten seconds or so before he was able to recover from the shock-didn’t seem to realize the entire thing earning the raven-head a multiple smack on the head. “Yah, that’s just so lame Lee Hyukjae!”
“Yah, that hurts! And…did you just call me lame?!”
Kyuhyun sighed for the umpteenth time from the other end; obviously the two lovers were not so quiet enough for him, in the distance being, to hear their conversation. Feeling more drained ever, he forced himself up to find for a hideaway where he can think in peace alone and maybe, continue sulking. The balcony he discovered was just the perfect place.
The said balcony was situated at the far left of the building, not really noticeable because the small terrace was hidden behind two big silhouette curtains. He sat himself on the marble balustrade and had a good look on the scenery before him, Seoul on its breathtaking night view. Even the sky is starry and the moon is beaming its great light but even how, it couldn’t lift the solitude in Kyuhyun’s heart.
“Hae, this is the best I could advice for your cousin, tell him to move on already,” He starts to recall every bit of words Hyukjae said earlier. “How do I do that when my heart wouldn’t stop from racing so fast just seeing him smile?” he sighed to himself.
“If he love my brother so much why hadn’t he took the chance to confess before? My brother had waited so long for his feelings to be returned but it never happened” If only he had realized sooner was it possible that he’s the one marrying Sungmin now and not Yesung?
“The brat just kept on hurting him” He admits how great of a jerk he is, if only given the opportunity, he’d do anything to undo what he did and make everything okay. He felt his chest being crumpled.
He was pulled out though, of his reverie by a pair of soft hands that covered his eyes. Kyuhyun flinched a bit but knew who it was instantly, no, he couldn’t be mistaken.
“What are you doing?”
There was no respond, but instead he felt some shuffling and an unsteady weight on his shoulders. “Min,” he waited patiently, his heartbeat gradually racing with each passing seconds.
“Kyuhyun-ah, what are you doing here?”, those angelic voice were just centimeters away from his ears, he just have to turn his head and tempt to claim those plump lips but of course he can’t . He was too distracted by those whimsical breathings that lingers on his neck, and the feel of the serene melodic thumping of Sungmin’s heart beating at his back which brought butterflies in his stomach to flutter shamelessly. Kyuhyun wished this moment stayed forever, but soon those delicate hands left his eyes, and the warmth of Sungmin’s presence was also gone.
“I should be the one asking that to you, why are you here outside? Have you eaten?”
Kyuhyun dumbly nods, struggling to tear his gaze away from the exquisite beauty next to him, trying his very hard to prevent himself from falling even harder. The off-shoulder white gown that perfectly accented Sungmin’s body and his flawless skin only makes him shimmer under the heavenly bodies more, exceptionally embarrassing everything splendid around him.
“A-aren’t you…having a hard time wearing that thing?” He swallowed hard, totally dazed.
“It’s heavy!” Sungmin complained pertaining to the wedding dress, “Mother-in-law requested for it and I really couldn’t refuse, oh, but Yesung said I look like a doll on It though.” he continued blushing a little. Kyuhyun almost frowned at the mention of the unwanted name. Almost. How he wished he was the one who caused that blushed.
“Kyu-ah, what do you think? Am I pretty?”
His brain was screaming for him to say you’re gorgeous Lee Sungmin but he fought against it. “What are you, a girl?” Sungmin playfully slapped him in the shoulder and stuck out a tongue.
“Kyu-ah,”
“Hmm?”
“Hadn’t I told you before that I only wanted to be yours?”
Kyuhyun was taken aback, perplexed, but nodded awkwardly after a while, clearly remembering that day, “That day when you were crying because I told you that I cannot give you a piggyback anymore and that you should look for someone else to carry you instead. We were in kindergarten.” They both smiled reminiscing the old times.
“You wouldn’t budge a muscle even though I cried so hard, you lanky geek!”
“Hey, I still carried you in the end little Ms. Sissy.”
“Tsk, that’s because you felt embarrassed by the passer-byes staring at us.”
“…”
“Ha-ha! See, I’m right, Kyu?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I’m confused.”
“…”
“Minnie?”
“You knew of how I felt for you right? Hyukjae must’ve told you.” Sungmin suddenly said sending Kyuhyun off-guard; he felt his mouth getting dehydrated.
“I felt hurt inside knowing you couldn’t see me as someone aside from being a close friend. But now I understand, you don’t have to be guilty. I’d always say that I’m yours and drag you around, being a nuisance and embarrassing you every time, it was my fault.” Sungmin’s eyes are covered with his bangs, unreadable expression in his face, ability he was able to master through times.
He carried on, “KyuBear, I can’t continue on being the old BunnyMin who used to be yours anymore, for I officially belong to someone else already. I’m hoping you might find someone else who can love you earnestly, a person that belongs to you, and only yours…like what I am to Yesung now.”
Silence. There was silence. And then there comes the familiar feeling. The exact thing he felt when he was rooted there on his feet that raining night along with Sungmin. What is this? Sungmin was indeed telling him to move on already, but all he could feel is the feeling that raining night and the continuous stabbing in his chest.
Seeing the lack of response from the latter and the want to get off the situation right away, Sungmin decided it was the best time to be back inside already, “I must go back now.” Sungmin said, the same time Kyuhyun’s limbs decided to resume functioning again, his hand had grab the other’s arm.
“Lee Sungmin, are you…happy?”
Sungmin mumbled a silent yes and walks off. Just like that raining night, Kyuhyun watches him, this time through the corner of his eyes; Sungmin’s retreating back going through the curtains and his shadow fading back onto the sea of people. Kyuhyun however, missed the last glance Sungmin made before he vanished amidst the mass of guests, and the sadness on his face along with it.
Kyuhyun sunk there, together with his heart. It already stopped from beating. That’s what all that Sungmin needs to say before his heart dies. It hurts. It hurts so much.
He stares hopelessly upon the stars that had surprisingly disappeared in the sky. The sky he used to look at with Sungmin. Why does it seem like he’ll never have the chance to see them again? Did someone also claim them as theirs like what Yesung had did to Sungmin? The moon must be mourning like him, it’s big, rounded shape had only made it much colder…lonelier…emptier.
“If only time could give me another chance, I’d promise to make everything right this time…just another chance.” He prayed to heavens or moon or whatever out there that could hear him. He knew he sounded crazy, but he meant it, he’s that desperate, eventually he realizes that he’s just fooling himself. He finally hung his head and there was when the warm tears started streaming.
Little did he know that there’s such no thing as whatever, but whoever that had been silently watching, or rather waiting for the right time to show himself up.
PAIRING: main!KyuhyunxSungmin, side!EunhyukxDonghae, slight!SungminxYesung, side!YesungxRyeowook
GENRE: Drama, Romance
RATING: PG-13
WARNING: Language, Yaoi
DISCLAIMER: Nope, not the characters, just the plot
SUMMARY: Kyuhyun regrets everything. A dimpled-magical creature came in rescue to help him. Chances are, traveling back in time and the hopes of getting Sungmin's heart.
[Lee Sungmin, are you...happy?]
He felt like a fool standing in this amidst of joyful crowd applauding, cheering and congratulating, plastering a smile on his face even though it’s killing him to see his one and only life, his reason for existence walk down the aisle in that lovely wedding dress as the romantic piece, more of like a funeral song for him, continues to play solely on the background.
HE is stunning, beautiful as ever.
But the scene is suffocating.
He can’t breathe.
~~¯¯¯~~
“KyuBear…”
Kyuhyun stopped making out with some random girl he had hit from a particular club when he heard a familiar voice and a knock across the room. He stepped out from the bed to face its owner.
“What is it Min? Disturb me later I’m busy now,”
He said almost irritatingly as he nudges on the door, opened it slightly enough for his torso to be seen outside. The smaller boy didn’t seem to notice the annoyed look on his face.
Sungmin gulps; his face starts to redden at the view of his shirtless best friend with messy hair and few beads of sweats on the forehead.
“ah..uhn, I was thinking if uhm, you have something to do tonight I mean because tonight is you know…” he tried to deliberate while doing his best not to stammer from nervousness and obviously, from distraction.
He was about to finish his sentence when an unlikely object butted in. A red thong appeared flying out of nowhere and it landed on Kyuhyun’s head. Sungmin squealed in surprise.
“Oppa, aren’t you done there yet? I’m waiting~~”.
And that’s how it strikes Sungmin.
“See, I told you I’m busy.”
Kyuhyun bluntly stated, smirking as he twirls the red object on his index finger as if being proud of what he's doing.
“I-I’m so sorry…I….Its nothing actually...” Sungmin apologizes as he backed away; avoiding anymore interaction with his bestfriend.
He swallowed hard, his voice about to crack while he tries his best to counter the tears threatening to rush out of his heavy eyelids in no time.
And his poor heart, he can hear it screaming for survival once again, just like any other nights when Kyuhyun would feel like bringing girls over the dorms and have his busy times.
But Kyuhyun’s ears were deaf by desire to even hear those messages behind the faltering voice telling him to stop.
His eyes were too clouded with lust for pleasure to notice those tears already trying to make its way on the poor boy’s eyes.
He is way too dumb to even feel the aching of Sungmin’s heart.
He headed back to continue what he wants to do, what he feels to do and what he believes that would make him happy that night. Setting aside something he’ll regret for the rest of his life.
Sungmin was left at the backdoor. Unable to keep it anymore; he finally let all his emotions out. He drew out a photograph from his pocket and sadly stares at it,
A cute 9-year old boy was grinning happily, sitting on the swing with his hands pulling on the jacket of a younger looking boy behind him who’s smiling awkwardly. It was precious, taken from the place they had first met.
“Happy 10th friendship anniversary KyuBear…”
Sungmin thought this would be the last straw, the last moment he wanted to treasure, before he finally decides to forget his feelings for the younger one. Yes, he’s been madly in-love with his bestfriend, fifteen years ago, the same day. Kyuhyun seemed to be unmindful so he had kept everything inside him and optimistically prayed that sooner or maybe later, the boy can harbor the same feelings and eventually, get developed too. Many times he contemplated if he should confess but he also values their friendship, he can’t afford to lose both.
Waiting is just an awful job, especially when you’re not certain that someone you had been expecting has plans of coming anyway. Sungmin had his heart broken so many times already; he’s a human too…and Kyuhyun being a playboy is not really helping the fatigue building up on him.
So he came to this decision, after tonight he would end all this daydreaming and hopes, he’d bury everything he felt for Kyuhyun and accept the fact that they can’t ever be more than ‘best friends’, because Kyuhyun doesn’t, couldn’t, and just wouldn't feel the same way.
Sungmin thought this would be the last straw, the last moment he wanted to treasure, what a way for Kyuhyun to shatter it.
He clutches the picture on his chest and ran his way outside the door and through the heavy rained street.
~~¯¯¯~~
That was the last time, for as long as Kyuhyun could remember that Sungmin called him
KyuBear.
You know, the term his MinBunny frequently uses to comfort Kyuhyun when the times get rough.
The endearment he would always call him when HE wants Kyuhyun to be aware of his presence.
The name HE would pout when Kyuhyun ignores him.
That affectionate word that comforts Kyuhyun at the moment he needed it the most.
That phrase when said, as if on cue, by the loveliest voice he has ever heard, can turn his stormy sea into a calm oasis. Can change his hell into heaven, can make his weakness into strengths. Can make everything wrong seems right.
Oh how he wished someday that he might hear it from Sungmin again.
~~¯¯¯~~
"You don't understand a thing Kyuhyun. You'll really never understand!"
Those cold, frigid words struck Kyuhyun so hard. His sweet Minnie never told him something like that before. Why did he suddenly, change? What did he done wrong?
He kept on repeating this same question over and over again to himself. But Kyuhyun, at that time, even though he was acclaimed to be the smartest student in his class was too clueless to realize how his best friend really feels for him.
He decided to let that incident pass; he was too tired to talk to Sungmin about it even if yeah, it bothers him. The next day everything was back to normal. Sungmin apologized for being rude and used his grades as a perfect excuse. Though HIS swollen eyes and puffy cheeks tells Kyuhyun that somehow it's very unlikely for a Sungmin to bawl over some low exams result over night, nonetheless, he dismissed it quickly in his mind.
"At least everything's the same again."
That's what Kyuhyun thought.
~~¯¯¯~~
"I've decided to date Yesung-sshi, Kyuhyun-ah,"
Sungmin simply stated, while finishing the spoon of chocolate ice cream on his cup. There they were staring through the empty void above them one-cloudy-but-miraculously-starry-kind-of-night. Kyuhyun almost drop his cup. This was too unexpected. He suspected this Yesung guy was having a little crush over his friend but...
"Minnie, are you sure of what you are doing? I mean, no offense, I had no grudges for that guy but you only met him more than a month ago."
Sungmin only smiled and replied, “He’s a good person Kyu, I know his intention is just to make me happy, and so far…he’s doing a decent job.”
Kyuhyun hadn’t need a say anymore, he feels glad for his best friend. Is he? Perhaps, he needs to be. But why does it feel heavy on his side? It doesn’t feel right.
Is it because it hurts to know Sungmin is being happy for some other reason aside from him?
Is it because it bothers him so much that now, he’s not only the reason why his best friend can smile so carefree?
He couldn’t be jealous. So he shut his mouth and wished his best friend for the best.
If he only noticed the bitterness behind Sungmin’s faked cheerful voice;
The tears that was about to gather upon the corners of Sungmin’s sad eyes, begging to be caught.
He was hoping that his best friend might see he wasn’t really happy…
…because the way he can only be, is with Kyuhyun.
And Kyuhyun wondered why the stars seemed to be so gloomy that night…
~~¯¯¯~~
The days passes by, weeks, months, almost a year, and it seemed like Sungmin and Yesung’s relationship was of a flower, it continues to blossom.
And Kyuhyun, on the other hand, started to become miserable while he struggles to figure out his true feelings.
Something wallops his chest whenever he saw those hands intertwined together while he thought of how that smooth silky white hand could fit his slim fingers perfectly. Then, there’s this burning sensation from his eyes that starts to smolder until the very inch of his soul. It seethes his whole being until the moment he can’t take it anymore.
It couldn't be... that he’s in-love with Sungmin, right?
No, the word is too deep and pure that it’s almost forbidden to be part of a wasted person like Kyuhyun; And Sungmin is his bestfriend for Pete’s sake!
So he chose to stay there, composed, stiff and unnoticed, hidden on the shadows of that foolish smile, when inside he was completely confused, distressed and deranged at the same time.
If it’s really that strange foreign thing called love, he concluded he doesn’t deserve it anyway, especially Sungmin’s.
The worst part of the feeling is that, it seemed to never subside even a bit. The stupid sentiment only stayed to grew stronger inside him.
And he’s drowning.
~~¯¯¯~~
“W-why are y-you doing this to me K-Kyuhyun?” Sungmin broke out within sobs.
Kyuhyun was rooted on his feet unable to move. Not because of the freezing raindrops, or the pain in his right cheek caused by the hard slap he got from the latter.
He kissed him.
He fucking kissed Sungmin.
What else is there to do?
He just needed to do something before he explodes and went mental, but it ended up all completely ruined.
They stayed like that for minutes, which Kyuhyun felt like eternities. Sungmin crouched hugging his knees with a broken heart. Kyuhyun, was stoned there, his mind still refused to process anything.
“Sungmin I….I….It was a mistake.” Kyuhyun’s voice trailed when his system managed to function again, panic evident. He reached for the other but his hands were pried away;
“Of course, let’s pretend this never happened…”
Sungmin countered. It was monotonous. Kyuhyun can’t really determine what the emotion behind it was which made him even more guilty and scared.
Dead silence.
“If you may…Yesung’s waiting for me.”
And with that Sungmin started walking off.
Kyuhyun watches Sungmin’s retreating back slowly vanish amidst the pouring rain.
He can’t believe he just let all the remaining chance he has to slip away like that.
He should’ve run for him and took back what he said, that he’s not sorry even for a bit, that he swears he meant that kiss from his heart.
He swears he wanted to confess.
He swears he wanted to let Sungmin know how badly he was being jealous whenever he’s with Yesung. He swears he wanted to protect him more than anyone can.
He swears…Sungmin had grown to be the most important person to him…more than just another close friend.
But those three needed words, why do they wouldn’t slip out from his mouth even if he tries so hard?
~~¯¯¯~~
And because he’s more fruitless than a coward, he’s here now present in this wedding as his best friend’s best man. He’s not surprised; he’s supposed to see this coming after all right? That raining night, when Kyuhyun made his biggest idiocy, was the same night Yesung proposed to Sungmin. And of course Sungmin said yes.
What happened between them that night was completely forgotten, as Sungmin suggested. Everything was back to normal and the friendship remained. Deep inside Kyuhyun wished Sungmin ignored him instead so it was much easier for him to handle his feelings and the necessity to fake a smile was not needed anymore.
“What a lovely couple! They match each other really well! Sungmin was very lucky to have Yesung-sshi!”
Oh please, Kyuhyun snorted, those ajuhmma should learn how to behave themselves in proper events like this and stop acting like teenage fan girls for drama couples. And how could they even say that Sungmin was very lucky to have the weirdo turtle lover- yes because that’s what Kyuhyun preferred calling him after he learned that the guy was petting a turtle to kill past time and even talking to it but of course he kept it to himself-as a husband? Are they for real? It’s the other way around! Sungmin was the most perfect creature he had ever laid his eyes on.
But how come a weirdo deserved him better than you? Kyuhyun wanted to spat back at his inner self but there was really no snarky response that he could think of, coz it’s true. Sungmin is perfect, too perfect to be with a jerk like him. Maybe that’s why the heavens had let him be with someone else, because even though Yesung was a creep and all, there was never a time he let Sungmin sad, unlike Kyuhyun.
The ceremony had ended and the reception came forth without Kyuhyun even noticing. Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind. He was too engrossed sulking in one corner and not really paying attention on what’s happening around him. His gaze is transfixed at one person sitting at the center table since no one knows-Sungmin. While his mind is drifting away, from the first time they had met, the times they had shared together to the times he wished that never had happened, the actions he wished he hadn’t made leaving him heart broken and more wasted than he can ever be. It fucking hurts. He sighed, so yeah it’s true. You do realize the importance of someone when they’re completely gone, away from you, out of your grasp.
“Kyuhyun, you alright?”
Kyuhyun felt a light tap on his right shoulder taking him away from his trance. “Yes hyung I’m fine.” The truth is he was trying to convince himself more than anybody. He knew he failed when the latter look at him with even more concern.
“Donghae hyung, I’d gladly appreciate you stop giving me that look.” he started, he wasn’t in the mood to say what he was thinking, he never was. His cousin was about to open his mouth to say something but then decided against it. He was relieved when his Donghae hyung returned back on his chair and didn’t press anymore.
Meanwhile he slumped back onto his chair and was back in his staring business; almost jumping from his seat when someone caught him in the act, their eyes meeting. He smiled. Sungmin noticed and smiled at him. He smiled sweetly like he was having the best time of his life.
All he could do was to smile back, a forced one that never reached his ears. Kyuhyun wondered where he had pulled the courage to put up something like that while calming his beating heart.
~~¯¯¯~~
“Ladies and gentlemen we are about to start the reception program for the newly-weds. The bride’s brother, Mr. Lee Hyukjae made a slideshow presentation especially dedicated for the couple. We will show them after everyone had finished their dinner.” The emcee announced.
“How could you make a slideshow without my consent?” Donghae said; annoyed at his boyfriend who just returned from taking photographs.
“Sungmin asked me to. He said it should be a surprise so I haven’t told anyone. Why are you being so mad? I’m just trying to make a little favor for my brother here. ”, the raven-haired quickly defended.
Donghae sighed frustratingly; he realized Kyuhyun’s sulking presence behind them and tried his best to keep the argument invisible, although it’s quite impossible because of the volume of (his) their voices. Donghae raised an eyebrow, “Well, first of all I’m your boyfriend and you shouldn’t for any circumstances, you aren’t suppose to hide any secret from me and second…”, he continued,” See that guy three chairs away from us? That poor boy over there already tore his heart just to be here in one piece thanks to you he’s bound to suffer more. And please take note, He’s your FRIEND too Hyukkie and my cousin for that matter, not some random guys from elsewhere, couldn’t you be more considerate huh?”
Hyukjae gave a disapproving look on the said man before drawing his attention back to his lover, only to be met by a pout. He placed a hand around his lover’s waist and heave an aggravated sigh deciding he should say his dialogue nicer than his original plan, “Hae, this is the best I could advice for your cousin, tell him to move on already. I mean, what is left there to do? My brother is a happily married man now. If he love my brother so much why hadn’t he took the chance to confess before? My brother had waited so long for his feelings to be reciprocated but it never happened. The brat just kept on hurting him.” Hyukjae grimaced on the memory of seeing his brother cry on their room so many times before, “I feel sorry for Kyuhyun too, but you can’t blame me for supporting the happiness of my brother now, do you?”
Donghae bit his lip, which Hyukjae found so charming that he felt the sudden urge to kiss those lips. “Hmm…Hyukkie maybe you are right. But I’m still worried about Kyu.”
This time it’s Hyukjae’s turn to pout, “Why are you so concerned about your cousin anyway Hae; do you like him or what?”
The question was intended to be a joke for Hyukjae but Donghae, who narrowed his eyes and gape at the stupidity of the question-it took him ten seconds or so before he was able to recover from the shock-didn’t seem to realize the entire thing earning the raven-head a multiple smack on the head. “Yah, that’s just so lame Lee Hyukjae!”
“Yah, that hurts! And…did you just call me lame?!”
Kyuhyun sighed for the umpteenth time from the other end; obviously the two lovers were not so quiet enough for him, in the distance being, to hear their conversation. Feeling more drained ever, he forced himself up to find for a hideaway where he can think in peace alone and maybe, continue sulking. The balcony he discovered was just the perfect place.
The said balcony was situated at the far left of the building, not really noticeable because the small terrace was hidden behind two big silhouette curtains. He sat himself on the marble balustrade and had a good look on the scenery before him, Seoul on its breathtaking night view. Even the sky is starry and the moon is beaming its great light but even how, it couldn’t lift the solitude in Kyuhyun’s heart.
“Hae, this is the best I could advice for your cousin, tell him to move on already,” He starts to recall every bit of words Hyukjae said earlier. “How do I do that when my heart wouldn’t stop from racing so fast just seeing him smile?” he sighed to himself.
“If he love my brother so much why hadn’t he took the chance to confess before? My brother had waited so long for his feelings to be returned but it never happened” If only he had realized sooner was it possible that he’s the one marrying Sungmin now and not Yesung?
“The brat just kept on hurting him” He admits how great of a jerk he is, if only given the opportunity, he’d do anything to undo what he did and make everything okay. He felt his chest being crumpled.
He was pulled out though, of his reverie by a pair of soft hands that covered his eyes. Kyuhyun flinched a bit but knew who it was instantly, no, he couldn’t be mistaken.
“What are you doing?”
There was no respond, but instead he felt some shuffling and an unsteady weight on his shoulders. “Min,” he waited patiently, his heartbeat gradually racing with each passing seconds.
“Kyuhyun-ah, what are you doing here?”, those angelic voice were just centimeters away from his ears, he just have to turn his head and tempt to claim those plump lips but of course he can’t . He was too distracted by those whimsical breathings that lingers on his neck, and the feel of the serene melodic thumping of Sungmin’s heart beating at his back which brought butterflies in his stomach to flutter shamelessly. Kyuhyun wished this moment stayed forever, but soon those delicate hands left his eyes, and the warmth of Sungmin’s presence was also gone.
“I should be the one asking that to you, why are you here outside? Have you eaten?”
Kyuhyun dumbly nods, struggling to tear his gaze away from the exquisite beauty next to him, trying his very hard to prevent himself from falling even harder. The off-shoulder white gown that perfectly accented Sungmin’s body and his flawless skin only makes him shimmer under the heavenly bodies more, exceptionally embarrassing everything splendid around him.
“A-aren’t you…having a hard time wearing that thing?” He swallowed hard, totally dazed.
“It’s heavy!” Sungmin complained pertaining to the wedding dress, “Mother-in-law requested for it and I really couldn’t refuse, oh, but Yesung said I look like a doll on It though.” he continued blushing a little. Kyuhyun almost frowned at the mention of the unwanted name. Almost. How he wished he was the one who caused that blushed.
“Kyu-ah, what do you think? Am I pretty?”
His brain was screaming for him to say you’re gorgeous Lee Sungmin but he fought against it. “What are you, a girl?” Sungmin playfully slapped him in the shoulder and stuck out a tongue.
“Kyu-ah,”
“Hmm?”
“Hadn’t I told you before that I only wanted to be yours?”
Kyuhyun was taken aback, perplexed, but nodded awkwardly after a while, clearly remembering that day, “That day when you were crying because I told you that I cannot give you a piggyback anymore and that you should look for someone else to carry you instead. We were in kindergarten.” They both smiled reminiscing the old times.
“You wouldn’t budge a muscle even though I cried so hard, you lanky geek!”
“Hey, I still carried you in the end little Ms. Sissy.”
“Tsk, that’s because you felt embarrassed by the passer-byes staring at us.”
“…”
“Ha-ha! See, I’m right, Kyu?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I’m confused.”
“…”
“Minnie?”
“You knew of how I felt for you right? Hyukjae must’ve told you.” Sungmin suddenly said sending Kyuhyun off-guard; he felt his mouth getting dehydrated.
“I felt hurt inside knowing you couldn’t see me as someone aside from being a close friend. But now I understand, you don’t have to be guilty. I’d always say that I’m yours and drag you around, being a nuisance and embarrassing you every time, it was my fault.” Sungmin’s eyes are covered with his bangs, unreadable expression in his face, ability he was able to master through times.
He carried on, “KyuBear, I can’t continue on being the old BunnyMin who used to be yours anymore, for I officially belong to someone else already. I’m hoping you might find someone else who can love you earnestly, a person that belongs to you, and only yours…like what I am to Yesung now.”
Silence. There was silence. And then there comes the familiar feeling. The exact thing he felt when he was rooted there on his feet that raining night along with Sungmin. What is this? Sungmin was indeed telling him to move on already, but all he could feel is the feeling that raining night and the continuous stabbing in his chest.
Seeing the lack of response from the latter and the want to get off the situation right away, Sungmin decided it was the best time to be back inside already, “I must go back now.” Sungmin said, the same time Kyuhyun’s limbs decided to resume functioning again, his hand had grab the other’s arm.
“Lee Sungmin, are you…happy?”
Sungmin mumbled a silent yes and walks off. Just like that raining night, Kyuhyun watches him, this time through the corner of his eyes; Sungmin’s retreating back going through the curtains and his shadow fading back onto the sea of people. Kyuhyun however, missed the last glance Sungmin made before he vanished amidst the mass of guests, and the sadness on his face along with it.
Kyuhyun sunk there, together with his heart. It already stopped from beating. That’s what all that Sungmin needs to say before his heart dies. It hurts. It hurts so much.
He stares hopelessly upon the stars that had surprisingly disappeared in the sky. The sky he used to look at with Sungmin. Why does it seem like he’ll never have the chance to see them again? Did someone also claim them as theirs like what Yesung had did to Sungmin? The moon must be mourning like him, it’s big, rounded shape had only made it much colder…lonelier…emptier.
“If only time could give me another chance, I’d promise to make everything right this time…just another chance.” He prayed to heavens or moon or whatever out there that could hear him. He knew he sounded crazy, but he meant it, he’s that desperate, eventually he realizes that he’s just fooling himself. He finally hung his head and there was when the warm tears started streaming.
Little did he know that there’s such no thing as whatever, but whoever that had been silently watching, or rather waiting for the right time to show himself up.