Boys don't invite girls to their birthday parties. They just don't. (and vice versa)
A belief that hurt me worse than I realized at the time. If there's one moment that exemplifies my experience with birthday parties it's when I was in grade 8, maybe 9, and one of my close friends was having a birthday party. All my other friends were invited, but I wasn't. Why? "Because you're a girl." My friends mom actually wouldn't let him invite me and that was her reason, he couldn't invite a girl to his party. Now that I think of it there have been two seperate instances. Another one of my friends was having an all guy party so naturally I wasn't invited. I showed up anyway. This one has a good ending. I've never been left out of his birthday parties since then.
I watched Stand By Me this morning. I loved it of course, but it also made me think about when I was that age. I always had lots of friends, I make friends very easily, but there was always something missing. I was always stuck in the middle, boyish enough to hang out with the guys, but in the end still a girl. It was ok to hang out at school but after school time was just for the boys so I was left out. If there's one thing that's always bothered me it's that guys, and girls too, always have stories of things they've done with there friends, things outside of school. I have no such stories. Now, of course, I didn't exactly invite over lots of friends either, partly because well, no one invited me over, but also because I considered my house to be dead boring. After all, video games weren't allowed at my house. And with out video games, what else is there in the world? So as good as Stand By Me was, it made me sad that I can never have that childhood, I never got to truly be one of the guys, instead I grew up feeling alone and left out.
On the upside, now that my friends are of a more mature age, I don't feel left out like I used to. In the past month I've had friends over twice which, and this is going to sound really sad and depressing, is about how many times I used to have friends over in a one year span.
Anyway, I'm totally off track of what I actually wanted to write about. I've been doing more thinking and decided that I definitely wasn't ready on new years day. I still have some lingering feelings of embarassment and shame that I need to get over before I can feel comfortable with people calling me 'he'. I'm not even ready now. I guess after I had come out to mostly everyone I hit a sort stretch where people knew but nothing big had really changed. It wasn't comfortable exactly, it was just safe you know? I hadn't lost anybody, everyone still treated me pretty much the same, and I felt a little better. I began sort of feeling like "Why can't I just stop here? Nothing bad has happened yet, it's not perfect but it's not bad. In short, fear has been holding me back. Surpise!
Setting a date was good for one reason, it taught me not to set a date. Just like coming out to people, this is not something I can plan, when I'm ready I'll know, but I can't just pick a day and say "I feel comfortable with this on this day."
I watched Stand By Me this morning. I loved it of course, but it also made me think about when I was that age. I always had lots of friends, I make friends very easily, but there was always something missing. I was always stuck in the middle, boyish enough to hang out with the guys, but in the end still a girl. It was ok to hang out at school but after school time was just for the boys so I was left out. If there's one thing that's always bothered me it's that guys, and girls too, always have stories of things they've done with there friends, things outside of school. I have no such stories. Now, of course, I didn't exactly invite over lots of friends either, partly because well, no one invited me over, but also because I considered my house to be dead boring. After all, video games weren't allowed at my house. And with out video games, what else is there in the world? So as good as Stand By Me was, it made me sad that I can never have that childhood, I never got to truly be one of the guys, instead I grew up feeling alone and left out.
On the upside, now that my friends are of a more mature age, I don't feel left out like I used to. In the past month I've had friends over twice which, and this is going to sound really sad and depressing, is about how many times I used to have friends over in a one year span.
Anyway, I'm totally off track of what I actually wanted to write about. I've been doing more thinking and decided that I definitely wasn't ready on new years day. I still have some lingering feelings of embarassment and shame that I need to get over before I can feel comfortable with people calling me 'he'. I'm not even ready now. I guess after I had come out to mostly everyone I hit a sort stretch where people knew but nothing big had really changed. It wasn't comfortable exactly, it was just safe you know? I hadn't lost anybody, everyone still treated me pretty much the same, and I felt a little better. I began sort of feeling like "Why can't I just stop here? Nothing bad has happened yet, it's not perfect but it's not bad. In short, fear has been holding me back. Surpise!
Setting a date was good for one reason, it taught me not to set a date. Just like coming out to people, this is not something I can plan, when I'm ready I'll know, but I can't just pick a day and say "I feel comfortable with this on this day."