Repost from 2 years ago
But it still rings as true today as it ever did or will. (*edited for age and day*)
"My grandmother, whom i called Mema, would have been 85 yesterday. Now, for most people, marking the birthday of someone already dead is kinda silly. Deal.
My grandmother raised me. She was strength, joy, love, and stability for a small child who otherwise had none. She took me in, loved me, taught me, and provided me with so much. Most of who i am was founded by her, for better or worse.
She was a teacher. She taught for 30 years, (i used to tease her about being in the second grade for 30 years), in Metro Nashville. She didn't go "by the book" with very much. She was much more "hands on" for her students, and though i never sat in her classroom as a student, i was very much her student in a great many ways.
She fostered in me a love of learning. No day goes by without the joy of a lesson learned. Like a sponge, she used to say, take in everything around you, learn from it.
She was my mentor, my guardian, and my best friend. One day in 1997, she called me to tell me that she had liver cancer. i dropped everything and went home, staying with her until she sent me away. She sent me away - ten days before her death.
i don't know that i've forgiven her for that. i know i still haven't forgiven myself for leaving. The immense guilt of leaving her still gnaws at me. Waking up in the middle of the night, knowing that the call was coming momentarily, knowing she was already gone before i picked up the phone...
i can deal with a lot of pain. That was a pain that i was not ready to deal with, and so i shut it off. i don't know when i'll let it all out. i may never let it go. Who knows. i still haven't really taken time to grieve for her.
But every day i see something, hear something, feel something and want to call her to talk to her about it. i still have to fight that urge. i feel her with me, though, and whether that's wishful thinking or truth to the presence of a guardian spirit, i don't know. So i believe what i want to believe, that she's still with me, taking care of me, guiding me through the hardest of times, laughing at my foibles, kicking me in the butt when i crumble.
It helps.
She was so much to me that i haven't let her go. i don't know when or if i ever will. She was my world for so long that to release her now, when i seem to need her the most, would be almost suicidal.
i'll write more later. Right now, i have to pull myself together to move through another day.
i miss you, Mema."
"My grandmother, whom i called Mema, would have been 85 yesterday. Now, for most people, marking the birthday of someone already dead is kinda silly. Deal.
My grandmother raised me. She was strength, joy, love, and stability for a small child who otherwise had none. She took me in, loved me, taught me, and provided me with so much. Most of who i am was founded by her, for better or worse.
She was a teacher. She taught for 30 years, (i used to tease her about being in the second grade for 30 years), in Metro Nashville. She didn't go "by the book" with very much. She was much more "hands on" for her students, and though i never sat in her classroom as a student, i was very much her student in a great many ways.
She fostered in me a love of learning. No day goes by without the joy of a lesson learned. Like a sponge, she used to say, take in everything around you, learn from it.
She was my mentor, my guardian, and my best friend. One day in 1997, she called me to tell me that she had liver cancer. i dropped everything and went home, staying with her until she sent me away. She sent me away - ten days before her death.
i don't know that i've forgiven her for that. i know i still haven't forgiven myself for leaving. The immense guilt of leaving her still gnaws at me. Waking up in the middle of the night, knowing that the call was coming momentarily, knowing she was already gone before i picked up the phone...
i can deal with a lot of pain. That was a pain that i was not ready to deal with, and so i shut it off. i don't know when i'll let it all out. i may never let it go. Who knows. i still haven't really taken time to grieve for her.
But every day i see something, hear something, feel something and want to call her to talk to her about it. i still have to fight that urge. i feel her with me, though, and whether that's wishful thinking or truth to the presence of a guardian spirit, i don't know. So i believe what i want to believe, that she's still with me, taking care of me, guiding me through the hardest of times, laughing at my foibles, kicking me in the butt when i crumble.
It helps.
She was so much to me that i haven't let her go. i don't know when or if i ever will. She was my world for so long that to release her now, when i seem to need her the most, would be almost suicidal.
i'll write more later. Right now, i have to pull myself together to move through another day.
i miss you, Mema."