BS
I haven't come here with tears in my eyes in years.
It's a cleansing, a purification, a baptism of bitching.
Find pieces of yourself scattered across the floor like the jigsaw to an unsolved puzzle,
these tears aren't the kind that previously kept me up in the dim blue AM of a dark room and a livejournal.
These tears represent more,
Everyone tells me how great I am, how wonderful,
awesome,
amazing,
intelligent,
but I'm alone. I get no attention from anyone, completely isolated. Maybe the fault is in my stars for needing attention at all. That's gaslighting myself again in real time.
I'm definitely feeling the weight of being crazy as more of a burden as time goes on. The inability to act, the inability to feel happiness for the success of others despite genuinely wanting to because I'm such a positive person (if you couldn't tell from more than a decade on this blog lmao)
It started out innocent enough, I just didn't want my absolute worst enemies to succeed and then when I began to see them it was easy to distance myself from them...it spiraled into something much more as the goal posts moved and my boundaries shifted from most hated enemies to just general enemies towards just people I didn't like towards people who slighted me towards etc etc till I'm up at 1 am writing into a fucking livejournal with tears falling into the keyboard.
Watching Starry Eyes did a fucking number on me tonight, shedding unwanted friends never felt so palpable but I'll excise the whole murder aspect I suppose. I absolutely know what my worth is and I will do everything in my power to achieve it. It's just been my fault I haven't...create, create, create, create, create, the words that echoed into my head as I began to realize that I have to just start acting and stop talking. The sad part is, I'm sure I've written that in here somewhere before. Let this blog stand as a testimony to the crippling power of depression, how it can strip us of our passion and render us neutered.
God forgive me.