Me Go Bang-Bang
Last night my partner (the gorgeous miss_porcelain) made a post that referenced my love of computer gaming. Before any of you leap to the wrong conclusion, let's get something straight - I'm into first person shooters. Under no circumstances will you ever find me wearing green tights and poncing around a virtual world while pretending I'm a fucking pixie. Spending hours searching for the Lost Dagger of the Unicorn-Scrotum while making girly noises is not my cup of mead.
Neither is mead. Mead is for pansy, nancy-fags who don't like scotch. If you have an opinion to the contrary don't bother posting it. Not unless you want another orifice to pour your mead into.
I can sum up the primary reason for my love of online gaming in one simple sentence. It's not, "the graphics are cool" or "I find it relaxing", it's this: "I love to slap the shit out of 12 year-olds".
And who doesn't? They're irritating, they have poorly developed political opinions and worst of all, the little fuckers can't spell for shit. Just like Kim Beazley.
Shut up.
I am pleased that technology has afforded me a legal outlet for this passion as I'd otherwise have to wear an electronic ankle bracelet. And that really clashes with a Hugo Boss double-breasted number.
It's very easy to spot the twelve year-olds when you're online and blowing the crap out of things. The most telling clue is a name that suggests testosterone on overdrive; names like "Death Assassin" and "Lord of Pain" are good indicators that you're tracking the right prey.
Because I do not wish to be mistaken for a 12 year-old whilst online, I have given myself a name of the most macho, muscle-laden variety I could come up with. Let's see if you can pick my online alias out of the following lineup:
A: ThunderGod
B: CertainDeath
C: FistofFury
D: A Large Purple Buttplug
Have you worked it out or do you need to ask the fucking audience?
The 12 year-olds tend to irritate me even more when they use what's referred to as the online "chat" function. This allows them to transmit their words of wisdom to everyone else who is online while they're playing. This often results in exchanges similar to this:
Death Assassin: hoow old is evry1 hear? im 11 :)
BloodThirst: me 12
LordPain: im 14
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I'm 37. Could you little bastards shut up until you learn to spell properly? You're giving me a fucking headache.
PowerDude: uur not 37
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I assure you I am. I can punctuate for a start so that should have been a dead giveaway.
SoldierOfDeath: thats older then my mum
A Large Purple ButtPlug: And she gives a lousy blowjob.
SoldierOfDeath: im gunna kill u if i see u
A Large Purple ButtPlug: Kid, the only thing you'll say is, "do you want fries with that?".
Ahh, don't you just love the free exchange of ideas between generations?
And my parents want to know why I've never had kids. Jesus.
The only 12 year-olds I'll ever like come with a groovy black label.
SD
suit_dude@walla.com
Neither is mead. Mead is for pansy, nancy-fags who don't like scotch. If you have an opinion to the contrary don't bother posting it. Not unless you want another orifice to pour your mead into.
I can sum up the primary reason for my love of online gaming in one simple sentence. It's not, "the graphics are cool" or "I find it relaxing", it's this: "I love to slap the shit out of 12 year-olds".
And who doesn't? They're irritating, they have poorly developed political opinions and worst of all, the little fuckers can't spell for shit. Just like Kim Beazley.
Shut up.
I am pleased that technology has afforded me a legal outlet for this passion as I'd otherwise have to wear an electronic ankle bracelet. And that really clashes with a Hugo Boss double-breasted number.
It's very easy to spot the twelve year-olds when you're online and blowing the crap out of things. The most telling clue is a name that suggests testosterone on overdrive; names like "Death Assassin" and "Lord of Pain" are good indicators that you're tracking the right prey.
Because I do not wish to be mistaken for a 12 year-old whilst online, I have given myself a name of the most macho, muscle-laden variety I could come up with. Let's see if you can pick my online alias out of the following lineup:
A: ThunderGod
B: CertainDeath
C: FistofFury
D: A Large Purple Buttplug
Have you worked it out or do you need to ask the fucking audience?
The 12 year-olds tend to irritate me even more when they use what's referred to as the online "chat" function. This allows them to transmit their words of wisdom to everyone else who is online while they're playing. This often results in exchanges similar to this:
Death Assassin: hoow old is evry1 hear? im 11 :)
BloodThirst: me 12
LordPain: im 14
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I'm 37. Could you little bastards shut up until you learn to spell properly? You're giving me a fucking headache.
PowerDude: uur not 37
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I assure you I am. I can punctuate for a start so that should have been a dead giveaway.
SoldierOfDeath: thats older then my mum
A Large Purple ButtPlug: And she gives a lousy blowjob.
SoldierOfDeath: im gunna kill u if i see u
A Large Purple ButtPlug: Kid, the only thing you'll say is, "do you want fries with that?".
Ahh, don't you just love the free exchange of ideas between generations?
And my parents want to know why I've never had kids. Jesus.
The only 12 year-olds I'll ever like come with a groovy black label.
SD
suit_dude@walla.com