a good day to journal hard

[suicidology]

So here I am again. 3am, and another late night stuck at the porn store. Crackheads everywhere, and I just decided I don't give a shit anymore. I'll let this pot continue to boil, and when it finally boils over I'll just step in to clean up the mess. It just seems easier this way. In other news, thing have reached something of a stand-still with emma. We still work together of course, so I've still seen her every night when I come to start my shift. She leaves about 45 minutes after I start, and those minutes are precious. It's really the only point of my shift that I can really stand. Not just because of emma either, but that is a major bonus. It's because that's the only point of my shift where I'm not alone here with the perverts and the crackheads. Enough about work though, let's talk more about emma. I've realized that I'm never gonna be able to make a move on emma until after I quit this place. I would just feel to awkward having to work with her if she rejected me. I know it's all way too soon to even be thinking like this. I mean, I've only hung out with her once outside of work. Even typing it out right now I realize I must sound like some sort of obsessed stalked. I'm not, I swear. It's just extremely frustrating. To know that I like this girl, but at the moment I can't do anything about it because we work together. So close, yet so far. It's like peeking at your christmas presents before they're wrapped, and seeing something you really wanted. Now you're all pumped up, but you still have to wait a few weeks before you can open it up and play with it. Instead, you just stare at it as it sits under the tree. Of course in this case, there's a chance my present might not feel the same way I do haha. Maybe this christmas present doesn't want to be sensually unwrapped. Maybe this christmas present just wants to stay friends. Oh well, time will tell. Speaking of christmas, on saturday I have my trek across the country back to minnesota. I'm definitely dreading it. I've never been fond of flying. I've on been on a plan twice in my life(4 times if you count return trips), and all those times were at least 14 years ago. This is also the first time I'll be flying solo, and the giant airport seems very daunting. I can easily imagine myself getting lost and missing my flight. I'm also worried about what I'm allowed to bring on the plane. I know I can't bring liquids, but what about cigarettes and otc medications. Not to mention electronic devices. Is a hair straightener considered a weapon by todays crazy FSA standards? I don't know. I don't want curly hair, but I don't wanna miss my flight because some security guy thinks I'm gonna burn someone either. Ugh, so stressed. The fact that I have to drive 3 hours to seattle is adding extra stress. I've never driven to seattle. I don't exactly know where I'm going. My car is a piece of shit, and it's a shitty time of year to be driving long distances. It has no heat, so when it's cold the windows fog up. I can get rid of the fog by rolling down the windows, but then it gets freezing cold inside the car. At least I'll need to be bundled up for minnesota. It's not like I have to bring extra jackets and gloves just for the drive to the airport. Portland has an airport by the way, but for whatever reason it's about 300 bucks more expensive to fly from there than it is from seattle. Ugh, all the more reason I need a better paying job. I'd almost be willing to put down the extra 300 if I had it. If only so I wouldn't have to put up with all this extra crap. I can't stop thinking about how much I hate chaska too. I really think that city should just be burned to the ground. If I had the money I'd buy the town myself and burn it down myself. Grrrrrr I hate chaska. There are actually 2 people who want to hang out with me while I'm in town. I'm really only interested in meeting up with one of them though. First is my old flame Tegan, and the other is my exfiance Kari. Tegan and I have always been cool, but kari and I have had some troublesome time since our breakup four years ago. The most recent one involved her dating an old friend of mine, and then rubbing it in my face. She also has the tendency to lie about everything. For no reason either it seems. They're not even good lies. She claimed the the lead singer from skinny puppy contacted her on facebook, and then later tried to rape her. Now, I don't know Ogre on a personal level, but that just sounds so completely unbelievable. They're not even lies that make her seem like a cool or better person. It's usually something really dramatic about her getting stabbed or raped. I tried to call her on it last time and asked to see the scar from being stabbed. She showed me the scar on her chest from when she was a kid and he sister hit her with a rock. When I told her I remember how she really got that scar, she told me I was just remembering it wrong, and that original scar was in the close to the same spot, but had faded away since then. Even though it was obvious that the scar I was looking at was many many many years old... Fucking ridiculous. We'll see how it goes though. She has been messaging me on facebook lately, and seems slightly more sane than usual. Fuck, if it gets me away from my family for a few hours I guess I could put up with her. I think I'll focus my attention on tegan first though. We kind of reconnected before I left minnesota, and I've missed her company since then.

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