"I still haven't made up my mind on that (but am mostly past such concerns now, and am into a "Who cares? If it works, I'll never be around to see how I look anyways" state of mind."
same here. I'll occasionally catch myself thinking 'God, that's sick/weird/unhealthy'. But mostly I spend my time plotting in great detail the exact method, location and date of my demise. And all the people who belittled me, and scoffed dismissively 'I don't think there's anything wrong with you'- I often find myself wondering if they've ever spent months contemplating suicide. To have graphic, gruesome pictures in one's head at all times of the day- no, they don't know what that is.
Part of my problem is that I also get quite envious of people. Of their success. I try to pretend to myself that it doesn't bother me, but it really does. Their seamless ability to form social connections with ease, have banter, speak and laugh freely, and most of all- find love and happiness. I see all of these things in people all around me who laugh, and smile, and enjoy themselves with their friends whilst I flounder and fall by the roadside.
I know life isn't fair in any respect but it makes me so angry sometimes, knowing that the sour-faced, nondescript girl from down the road, or even my younger brother will have had more warmth and tenderness, more human contact in a day than I have even seen in my entire life. That's what really hurts. I can make acquaintances, but I can't make any meaningful friends who truly care. The only friend I kept in contact with after high school has stopped speaking to me; I feel it is because she has finally grown tired of reading my depressed thoughts in emails and msn conversations, and like everyone else who is not me, has finally secured for herself a life.
This is one of the reasons why I am contemplating suicide- every friendship I have ever attempted has turned out a total failure. No, scrap that- I won't associate those friendships with something dramatic and dynamic as that, no. They were more like nondescript blips on some obscure and pointless radar that more or less faded into oblivion within months, weeks or even days. I feel angry and sad and hopeless without reason. I have nowhere to speak my mind and no-one to speak it to. Tell my mother, my sole confidant, and she'll hide all the pills in the house and watch my every move. Tell one of the online forums I frequent and get a bollocking for being 'miserable'. I am sorry if I spill out my thoughts in this comment, but I have nowhere else to spill them, amid months and years of isolation and silence. When I do eventually kill myself, it will be a release.
If you want, send me an email. I am looking for somebody who understands how I feel about myself so I don't have to worry about making them feel any worse, and I'd be more than willing to talk to you about your concerns as well. We could trade stories, if you will.
And no worries about using my entry to talk about yourself. I know what it's like, having been there before, and even now it's easier for me to see somebody else do something first then jump in and say "I agree, and feel the same way", when it comes to things like depression and suicide.
Anyways, please send me an email, or if you want I'll give you my MSN. I would like to talk to you.
same here. I'll occasionally catch myself thinking 'God, that's sick/weird/unhealthy'. But mostly I spend my time plotting in great detail the exact method, location and date of my demise. And all the people who belittled me, and scoffed dismissively 'I don't think there's anything wrong with you'-
I often find myself wondering if they've ever spent months contemplating suicide. To have graphic, gruesome pictures in one's head at all times of the day- no, they don't know what that is.
Part of my problem is that I also get quite envious of people. Of their success. I try to pretend to myself that it doesn't bother me, but it really does. Their seamless ability to form social connections with ease, have banter, speak and laugh freely, and most of all- find love and happiness. I see all of these things in people all around me who laugh, and smile, and enjoy themselves with their friends whilst I flounder and fall by the roadside.
I know life isn't fair in any respect but it makes me so angry sometimes, knowing that the sour-faced, nondescript girl from down the road, or even my younger brother will have had more warmth and tenderness, more human contact in a day than I have even seen in my entire life. That's what really hurts. I can make acquaintances, but I can't make any meaningful friends who truly care. The only friend I kept in contact with after high school has stopped speaking to me; I feel it is because she has finally grown tired of reading my depressed thoughts in emails and msn conversations, and like everyone else who is not me, has finally secured for herself a life.
This is one of the reasons why I am contemplating suicide- every friendship I have ever attempted has turned out a total failure. No, scrap that- I won't associate those friendships with something dramatic and dynamic as that, no. They were more like nondescript blips on some obscure and pointless radar that more or less faded into oblivion within months, weeks or even days. I feel angry and sad and hopeless without reason. I have nowhere to speak my mind and no-one to speak it to. Tell my mother, my sole confidant, and she'll hide all the pills in the house and watch my every move. Tell one of the online forums I frequent and get a bollocking for being 'miserable'. I am sorry if I spill out my thoughts in this comment, but I have nowhere else to spill them, amid months and years of isolation and silence. When I do eventually kill myself, it will be a release.
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And no worries about using my entry to talk about yourself. I know what it's like, having been there before, and even now it's easier for me to see somebody else do something first then jump in and say "I agree, and feel the same way", when it comes to things like depression and suicide.
Anyways, please send me an email, or if you want I'll give you my MSN. I would like to talk to you.
Reply
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