why do I bother?
Anyone else feel completely and utterly pointless? I don't even know why I bother living really, don't know why I bother doing anything. Here's everyone else my age, college students in their freshman year, the majority experimenting with drugs and sex and alcohol, and I just stand at the back abstaining all the way, not trying anything ever, not wanting to do anything. Why do I even bother with this, what am I trying to achieve? They all want to be alive when they're twenty-five and beyond. They don't have a self-destruct date, they don't wake up every morning and say to themselves "Right, when I'm twenty-three I'm out of here, I'm saying goodbye to all of this."
Not like me. I can't see myself being alive at 25 or anywhere very near that age, because I just can't take it. I can't take the highs and lows, the ups and downs, but other people can. I mean, I get soul-crushingly depressed because someone doesn't text back to me on my mobile. I weep when I don't get to be with the one guy who I adore, when he probably sees me as just a friend. Just like everyone else who is stable and happy and sociable. How can they be so well-adjusted, do they not feel themselves going insane everyday because of the most trivial occurrences? Do they not feel that they need that one person so much it physically hurts?
I should do all the drugs, the people, put myself out there, because it's not like I have anything to lose. I know I'm not going to live for very long, so why am I so cautious? If anyone else my age knew they were going to die at 23, I'm sure they'd actually want to do everything they could with their lives, but I just can't. I just can't be bothered. Can't be arsed with alcohol, can't be arsed with pills or people, smoking cigarettes or weed or underaged sex, because I know it'd probably hurt in the short range, or at least feel unhealthy and foreign to me. And I'd hate that.
Yesterday was so good. Why does the happiness never stay?
Not like me. I can't see myself being alive at 25 or anywhere very near that age, because I just can't take it. I can't take the highs and lows, the ups and downs, but other people can. I mean, I get soul-crushingly depressed because someone doesn't text back to me on my mobile. I weep when I don't get to be with the one guy who I adore, when he probably sees me as just a friend. Just like everyone else who is stable and happy and sociable. How can they be so well-adjusted, do they not feel themselves going insane everyday because of the most trivial occurrences? Do they not feel that they need that one person so much it physically hurts?
I should do all the drugs, the people, put myself out there, because it's not like I have anything to lose. I know I'm not going to live for very long, so why am I so cautious? If anyone else my age knew they were going to die at 23, I'm sure they'd actually want to do everything they could with their lives, but I just can't. I just can't be bothered. Can't be arsed with alcohol, can't be arsed with pills or people, smoking cigarettes or weed or underaged sex, because I know it'd probably hurt in the short range, or at least feel unhealthy and foreign to me. And I'd hate that.
Yesterday was so good. Why does the happiness never stay?