It all comes at the wrong times.
I have to be to work at seven this morning. It is 1:28 a.m. Why am I up? Oh, that's right, in the past five hours I drank two Monsters. How fucking stupid?
I will say that it is kind of funny how I tend to realize things late at night; especially before I pass out. I'm sure it's the same for everyone but I like to think of myself as... well... different. I don't know why but I do. Stupid, yes?
I've known what my issue was for about the past couple of years. Just recently (as in the past few hours) I've realized that I need to conquer it. I need to overcome this problem so I can go on with my life. I was just talking to Gino and I explained to him that I don't react to positive comments like most people would. In fact, I don't react to them at all. I feel nothing to them for the most part and they don't stick with me that long. Negative comments, on the other hand, are what I tend to strive for. I have no idea why but they keep me going. It's probably the same with how negative ad campaigns (politics) stick with people more than the positive ads - because it's better to point out the inherent flaws of others than yourself. I wish I followed that simple outlook but I don't. I like to point out positives in people when others are badmouthing them and point out the flaws when people hold that person on a pedestal. When it comes to myself, I can act extremely egotistical but I lack the desire to keep it up. That being said, I tend to tear myself apart for no good reason.
While lying in bed just a few short hours ago, I realized, with the feeling of my mind spinning and my heart wanting to shoot out of my chest due to the Monsters, that I need to pull my head out of my ass and see the light. I laid there and thought of all the things that tend to bother me and I tend to get on myself about and realized that they were stupid. Seriously, if you could get in my head, you'd understand how stupid it is. I can't even walk down a hallway without judging myself for how I walk. Haha.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that I think I'm not quite over Ashley. In terms of dating, I'm almost 100% sure that could never work again because 1) she's over me entirely and 2) we're both completely different people now. I know deep down that I will always care about her very strongly, almost in a loving manner, because she was the first major love in my life and continued to be that for seven years. I honestly feel responsible for her losing contact with her friends while we were "dating" because I never wanted her to go out with them. I know it was the jealousy of a stupid kid but how could I be upset with her while I go out with my friends every weekend? Where is the equality in that? That's right, there is none. It's a shitty lesson but I learned it and she had to deal with it. There's no amount of apology I can give her to make up for all that wasted time. I know deep down she holds me responsible for everything and I don't blame her; in fact, I tried to get her to admit it one time but ended with negative results.
Recently I've been pondering the thought of maybe I can get over all this if I were to be able to see her one last time. I'm not expecting anything to happen and why would I? With Ashley... Maybe just talking to her face-to-face after the break-up will finally allow me to let go entirely. It's stupid but I think about her everyday yet it's nothing of substance; It's just the thought of her.
There is a lot that I would like to say to her in person yet I believe I will never have the chance. She's in town (at the moment) until Sunday, the 28th, yet I doubt I'll have a chance to see her. She just worked about a 24 hour shift which is crazy in itself. There's hope for tonight but I'm not really putting anything on it.
Well, I think I'm about worded out at the moment. Not sure what else to put on here.
(In regards to my "dating" comment between Ashley and I, I will be the first one to admit this but I think our relationship probably should have ended years earlier or never started to begin with. Maybe once we were out of school and older, sure, but during that time... I'm pretty sure it hasn't left any positive effects on either of us. Ashley seems happier now, now that I'm not really in her life anymore, which is good.)
Once again, I did not run the spell checker on this little blurb because it rapes punctuation. I'm not going to deal with the crap it throws at me.
Take care.
I will say that it is kind of funny how I tend to realize things late at night; especially before I pass out. I'm sure it's the same for everyone but I like to think of myself as... well... different. I don't know why but I do. Stupid, yes?
I've known what my issue was for about the past couple of years. Just recently (as in the past few hours) I've realized that I need to conquer it. I need to overcome this problem so I can go on with my life. I was just talking to Gino and I explained to him that I don't react to positive comments like most people would. In fact, I don't react to them at all. I feel nothing to them for the most part and they don't stick with me that long. Negative comments, on the other hand, are what I tend to strive for. I have no idea why but they keep me going. It's probably the same with how negative ad campaigns (politics) stick with people more than the positive ads - because it's better to point out the inherent flaws of others than yourself. I wish I followed that simple outlook but I don't. I like to point out positives in people when others are badmouthing them and point out the flaws when people hold that person on a pedestal. When it comes to myself, I can act extremely egotistical but I lack the desire to keep it up. That being said, I tend to tear myself apart for no good reason.
While lying in bed just a few short hours ago, I realized, with the feeling of my mind spinning and my heart wanting to shoot out of my chest due to the Monsters, that I need to pull my head out of my ass and see the light. I laid there and thought of all the things that tend to bother me and I tend to get on myself about and realized that they were stupid. Seriously, if you could get in my head, you'd understand how stupid it is. I can't even walk down a hallway without judging myself for how I walk. Haha.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that I think I'm not quite over Ashley. In terms of dating, I'm almost 100% sure that could never work again because 1) she's over me entirely and 2) we're both completely different people now. I know deep down that I will always care about her very strongly, almost in a loving manner, because she was the first major love in my life and continued to be that for seven years. I honestly feel responsible for her losing contact with her friends while we were "dating" because I never wanted her to go out with them. I know it was the jealousy of a stupid kid but how could I be upset with her while I go out with my friends every weekend? Where is the equality in that? That's right, there is none. It's a shitty lesson but I learned it and she had to deal with it. There's no amount of apology I can give her to make up for all that wasted time. I know deep down she holds me responsible for everything and I don't blame her; in fact, I tried to get her to admit it one time but ended with negative results.
Recently I've been pondering the thought of maybe I can get over all this if I were to be able to see her one last time. I'm not expecting anything to happen and why would I? With Ashley... Maybe just talking to her face-to-face after the break-up will finally allow me to let go entirely. It's stupid but I think about her everyday yet it's nothing of substance; It's just the thought of her.
There is a lot that I would like to say to her in person yet I believe I will never have the chance. She's in town (at the moment) until Sunday, the 28th, yet I doubt I'll have a chance to see her. She just worked about a 24 hour shift which is crazy in itself. There's hope for tonight but I'm not really putting anything on it.
Well, I think I'm about worded out at the moment. Not sure what else to put on here.
(In regards to my "dating" comment between Ashley and I, I will be the first one to admit this but I think our relationship probably should have ended years earlier or never started to begin with. Maybe once we were out of school and older, sure, but during that time... I'm pretty sure it hasn't left any positive effects on either of us. Ashley seems happier now, now that I'm not really in her life anymore, which is good.)
Once again, I did not run the spell checker on this little blurb because it rapes punctuation. I'm not going to deal with the crap it throws at me.
Take care.