these are the things that i want to rip apart.
today i cut paper all afternoon.
you tried to keep me in bed.
holding on to me tightly as if i might drown. as if i was dying.
outside i hear the bus go by.
i ignore your touch. it doesn't mean anything to me.
there is violence in cutting paper.
i cut out victorian baby carriages and glue them to the piece of wood i found in the street with a man
i used to be in love with.
i remember it heavy in his arms on the way home.
he told me i would make something beautiful.
the nights go by.
I zip up white leather to my throat.
I hold onto him and we drive away in the city.
it feels like flying.....& i love the feel of his motorcycle between my legs. in the city.
there is power there.
i grit my teeth underneath his helmet. i close my eyes and try not to think about him leaving.
about me leaving.
about the things we cannot control,
suspended there in the dark mystery
of another woman's womb.
you watch me while i paint.
at night i light a candle.
it is the sleeping i enjoy.
i don't want anyone to touch me.
i just let them lie next to me.
i try to guess what they are dreaming.
i try to dream what you dream, since i can feel your heartbeat at my back.
since i think it is what could be right, since i know you want us to be right,
even if you ignore my warnings.
his son will be born in 25 days.
i paint and paint and paint
this thought away.
this guilt away.
& i name my painting after his son;
Rhodes.
& maybe then i can be forgiven.
maybe then i can be forgiven for loving a man
who is having a child with another woman.
xo
this heartless girl.
you tried to keep me in bed.
holding on to me tightly as if i might drown. as if i was dying.
outside i hear the bus go by.
i ignore your touch. it doesn't mean anything to me.
there is violence in cutting paper.
i cut out victorian baby carriages and glue them to the piece of wood i found in the street with a man
i used to be in love with.
i remember it heavy in his arms on the way home.
he told me i would make something beautiful.
the nights go by.
I zip up white leather to my throat.
I hold onto him and we drive away in the city.
it feels like flying.....& i love the feel of his motorcycle between my legs. in the city.
there is power there.
i grit my teeth underneath his helmet. i close my eyes and try not to think about him leaving.
about me leaving.
about the things we cannot control,
suspended there in the dark mystery
of another woman's womb.
you watch me while i paint.
at night i light a candle.
it is the sleeping i enjoy.
i don't want anyone to touch me.
i just let them lie next to me.
i try to guess what they are dreaming.
i try to dream what you dream, since i can feel your heartbeat at my back.
since i think it is what could be right, since i know you want us to be right,
even if you ignore my warnings.
his son will be born in 25 days.
i paint and paint and paint
this thought away.
this guilt away.
& i name my painting after his son;
Rhodes.
& maybe then i can be forgiven.
maybe then i can be forgiven for loving a man
who is having a child with another woman.
xo
this heartless girl.