December...
I'm glad that school's back on. I don't like having all this time to think to myself. Sure, shit gets all busy and stressful but at least time moves faster and my head can be focusing on something else without me having to force it in a direction. I just want to do something but I just know I shouldn't. It'd be bad for me and I can't give into my urges all the time can I? Fucking "drug" addiction of mine. I abhor this itch I get to want things that I shouldn't want. Ugh. I made the playlist below as a personal tool of therapy for myself. It's helping me identify things that I'm feeling and in many ways telling me what goals to look to in all of this. Songs are great for helping me realize how to put those emotions into words so that I may identify certain things to pick apart and fix (if need be). And I'm expanding my musical taste, whoo.
And well.. it is December. I'm turning 23 on the 17th. It's crazy that I've made it this far without any major Diabetic awfulness. Kinda makes me sad I've made it to this point in my life and yet I'm still alone. God, with all the bloody proposals I've had I would have expected to have kept a yes with one of them. Maybe I'll never get that fit. Maybe I'm just afraid of committing to someone? Maybe I'm just afraid of being that important to a person knowing that I'm probably not going to have a long life. It seems unfair to have someone love me and have to deal with my disease and knowing that they'd have to lose me to that... so I guess I feel better about letting someone go over something much easier to get over. Morbid, yes, but it is a reality for me. I still need to see a cardiologist about my heart... it kinda sucks waking up with my heart racing for no reason at all. Sometimes I feel it skipping a beat too... hmm... Oh well. It doesn't really matter. It's just a bit lonely to feel this way about things, about people in my life. After spending so much time with myself I've realized that to love me means that you have to experience a lot of pain. I feel guilty and awful about this and yet it is a reality that one must accept if they want to be in my life. Lonely, pathetic, stupid, irrational, probably... But, well, really, it's a weight on my shoulders.
God. This time of the year used to be my favorite time of the year.
And well.. it is December. I'm turning 23 on the 17th. It's crazy that I've made it this far without any major Diabetic awfulness. Kinda makes me sad I've made it to this point in my life and yet I'm still alone. God, with all the bloody proposals I've had I would have expected to have kept a yes with one of them. Maybe I'll never get that fit. Maybe I'm just afraid of committing to someone? Maybe I'm just afraid of being that important to a person knowing that I'm probably not going to have a long life. It seems unfair to have someone love me and have to deal with my disease and knowing that they'd have to lose me to that... so I guess I feel better about letting someone go over something much easier to get over. Morbid, yes, but it is a reality for me. I still need to see a cardiologist about my heart... it kinda sucks waking up with my heart racing for no reason at all. Sometimes I feel it skipping a beat too... hmm... Oh well. It doesn't really matter. It's just a bit lonely to feel this way about things, about people in my life. After spending so much time with myself I've realized that to love me means that you have to experience a lot of pain. I feel guilty and awful about this and yet it is a reality that one must accept if they want to be in my life. Lonely, pathetic, stupid, irrational, probably... But, well, really, it's a weight on my shoulders.
God. This time of the year used to be my favorite time of the year.