okay well this is lovely
My life is crashing down once again.
My mom is worse than she ever has been.... the other day she was totally retarded COMPLETELY fucking stupid..... and my brother wanted to have the family together at the puyallup fair.... so for some reason i figured they would appreciate it if i tried my hardest to get us down there. so i had to LITERALLY dress my mother, hold her up to do her hair, and hold her face up while i did her makeup. and then she could walk to the fucking fair, cuz shes retarded so my brother came to help her and she goes and plays all the victim and starts crying...... and at the end of the day i was like, "r u appreciative that i tried so hard to get mom here?" and he was all... " yes i am glad i got to see you, but i am not so happy u left my mother on the side of the road" ASSHOLE. WHY DO I BOTHER CARING WHAT MY FAMILY THINKS? they will never understand what heather and i go thru. heather says its harder on her because i at least get away for three days a week..... BUT it happens to be MY MOM that im seeing kill herself.... it happens to be my mom that is retarded.... I see Jil and her mom being so close and everything, and jil is older than me.... i know that by the time i am jils age, my mom will be dead.... and im only guessing that my family will blame it all on me. I just wish more than anything on this earth that heather and i had enough money to move away right now, so i dont have to see my mom do this to herself. and i really think that heather and i will get along better if we were away from the stress of my mom... she's not only killing herself.... she's killing us.
And it sucks, because now brandon thinks im all not his friend.... just his aunt..... I WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND..... but he doesnt talk to me either, i dont know what to say, my life sucks, all i have to say is negative stuff and he gets depressed so fucking easily i dont know what to say. and the sad thing is I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS...... NONE. if i wanna take off somewhere, i dont have ANYONES HOUSE TO GO TO.
And my therapist says that im hard to get a therapeutic relationship with becuz im so hostile and i have a personality disorder or some shit so i need to go to one on one counseling,...... but i hate one on one counseling because ive switched ppl so fucking much, and the lady i have now is stupid and wont change anything, and everyone is telling me that its ME making therapy hard. Gee thats nice, maybe they should attempt to HELP ME seeing as thats whats theyre PAID FOR!!!!!!!!!
I feel like fucking giving up on therapy..... and my psychiatrist asked me if i think i need meds..... well ive see ppl off of meds when they were bipolar and thats fucking scary so i guess i wanna stay on them but i dont know they dont seem to be making my life any better.......... neither does therapy.... why am i trying???? reallllllly, seriously, why am i trying? they tell me im not trying, but i know that i am.
GAWD I HATE EVERYBODY.