When there's nothing to accomplish, what's the point of going?
I woke up at 5:30am this morning. I started my normal things, like peeing and brushing my teeth. Then I thought, "Why am I doing this on so little sleep? Is today really that important?" So, I stagger downstairs. I asked my mom if I could stay home. I told her I wasn't sick, and I wasn't upset at anyone. I just didn't want to go becuase I'd been laying awake all night thinking of stuff. She said okay, so I went back to sleep.
You wanna know what kept me up all night? Fine...
I was thinking about my past, my present, and my future.
I was laying there excersizing my muscles remembering that I had to drop out of pantomime for Districts becuase I can't make facial expressions. I was remembering how I can't talk. How I should probably drop Latin before it brings my grade down. I was thinking how my sister makes fun of me when I sing along to Taking Back Sunday. Or how my entire Improvasation class laughs becuase I laugh, becuase it looks just that funny.
I was also thinking about Rob, and why I'm still in love with him. I was thinking of the first time I touched him. The time he held me becuase he wanted to. I was thinking of how much he needed me, and the severity of his kisses tellign me this. I remembered him crying on me when he had to say good-bye. And how foolish I was thinking that meant he'd still want me again the next day. And now that we're civil, meaning we don't want to kill each other everytime we talk, how I could possiably gain his love again. Then remembering that it's thoughts like these that always fuck me up in the first place.
I was thinking of Buffy, and how I wish that as much as my life sucks, I had somethign important to show for it. She tried killing her friends and they still love her. Then I remembered it's just a show and it's people like me they write the scripts for. It's all so we have something to shoot for.
I thought of my job. Seventy dollars a week. I thought of how I was supposed to start living off of that. Or saving for some now uncertain carreer choice. I thought of how much I love my job, but needed a new one. And then of how much I hate change.
And then I remembered that I'm alone. The friends I have each day refelct how I'm feeling. I have daily friends now. None of them match, none of them constantly love me. There's no one to constantly call anymore. There's no one who canstantly calls anymore. Not only that, but I them remembered how needy I am. I need a substantial relationship with someone. Someone to hold onto, to call, to kiss. Someone to make love to on a weekly basis. I need someone to fall in love with. Someone to make me forget everything temporarily when I'm with them. Someone to love me entirely; flaws and all.
You wanna know what kept me up all night? Fine...
I was thinking about my past, my present, and my future.
I was laying there excersizing my muscles remembering that I had to drop out of pantomime for Districts becuase I can't make facial expressions. I was remembering how I can't talk. How I should probably drop Latin before it brings my grade down. I was thinking how my sister makes fun of me when I sing along to Taking Back Sunday. Or how my entire Improvasation class laughs becuase I laugh, becuase it looks just that funny.
I was also thinking about Rob, and why I'm still in love with him. I was thinking of the first time I touched him. The time he held me becuase he wanted to. I was thinking of how much he needed me, and the severity of his kisses tellign me this. I remembered him crying on me when he had to say good-bye. And how foolish I was thinking that meant he'd still want me again the next day. And now that we're civil, meaning we don't want to kill each other everytime we talk, how I could possiably gain his love again. Then remembering that it's thoughts like these that always fuck me up in the first place.
I was thinking of Buffy, and how I wish that as much as my life sucks, I had somethign important to show for it. She tried killing her friends and they still love her. Then I remembered it's just a show and it's people like me they write the scripts for. It's all so we have something to shoot for.
I thought of my job. Seventy dollars a week. I thought of how I was supposed to start living off of that. Or saving for some now uncertain carreer choice. I thought of how much I love my job, but needed a new one. And then of how much I hate change.
And then I remembered that I'm alone. The friends I have each day refelct how I'm feeling. I have daily friends now. None of them match, none of them constantly love me. There's no one to constantly call anymore. There's no one who canstantly calls anymore. Not only that, but I them remembered how needy I am. I need a substantial relationship with someone. Someone to hold onto, to call, to kiss. Someone to make love to on a weekly basis. I need someone to fall in love with. Someone to make me forget everything temporarily when I'm with them. Someone to love me entirely; flaws and all.