Ladies - Less Than Six Hours Left Before Your Kiss-A-Thon Begins
As many of you women reading already know, this Tuesday afternoon is once again my highly-anticipated, much-imitated, never-surpassed, Annual Kiss-A-Thon! (Seems like it's been so much longer than 12 months since last time, doesn't it? Hell, this time of year never comes quickly enough for y'all, I'm sure.) Now -- those ladies who sent their info directly in to my Tuscon, AZ home-office have probably already received your entry package and itinerary in the mail. For those who haven't, I'll now briefly go over the day's main event right here, in broad strokes, just to explain to you what's going to be different this year and what will remain the same:
Regarding Last Year's Event
First of all I want to say right off that I think we all agree that we don't want to see a repeat of the debacle last year's Kiss-A-Thon turned into towards the end. Am I right? Safety is our watchword, Ladies! This means there will be absolutely no pulling of hair, scratching of faces, or gouging of eyes allowed whatsoever. Tearing of clothing will, as always, be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Anyone who participated in last year's event (or saw the riots that followed afterward, shown on the evening news) knows that this time I cannot personally accommodate the number of women who have shown up in the past, at least not in the period the city has allotted us under our midday permits. I am, after all, only one man.
The Big Change
So, pursuant to these facts, this year I have decided to invite other men to participate in this year's Kiss-A-Thon in Times Square. Yes I know, it's not quite what you signed up for when you paid your exorbitant entry fee for a chance to see -- and if extremely lucky, kiss -- me. And I regret this. Everyone would like to think they're going to be close enough to the front of the line to reach me in person before the end of the afternoon, and frankly that has tended in the past to make you some of you ladies impatient, competitive, and rowdy. Let's face it though -- the city isn't going to allow us to keep holding these activities at all anymore if we have a repeat of the unbelievable losses of crowd-control that we experienced last year. So to lighten the mood a bit, we've decided to visually designate the aforementioned new positions of "fill-in" or "consolation-kisser" gentlemen by having them all wear little white sailor hats for your convenience. (I'm told we found a shitload of them that apparently fell off a truck or something.) This should both make it easier for you ladies to be able to pick your seamen out of the crowd, and may also allow for less confusion once the kissing starts. As further reparations for those who may not make it into the finalist group or to the front of the line to kiss me before the end of the day, we'll also be handing out random bunches of roses this year to all you beautiful ladies in waiting. Compliments of.....some florist that's been crawling up my ass all week. I forget their name. Whatever, they're flowers. Enjoy. We may also be giving out other consolation prizes in raffles amongst the non-finalists, including a Night for Two in a Times Square hotel (no, not that one with the cameras behind the mirrors), two tickets to A Broadway Show (excluding Legally Blonde or Jersey Boys), and dinner for two...somewhere.
What Does This Change Mean for Me, Both as a Woman and as a Contestant?
Excellent question, I'm glad you asked. What this means is that a random drawing will ultimately be held from all entries received by launch time this afternoon, from which a pool of finalists will be formed. These finalists will then draw numbers to determine their place in line. This may decide who participates directly in the event as it has been held traditionally in the past VS. who will have to make their selection from the general pool of men we've brought in for you ladies who fortune might not favor this year. Also, let's not forget -- though the packets you've received don't mention it specifically, there are no rules against turning to your fellow runners-up & sisters-in-competition, and taking out any disappointment or longing you might be experiencing through lip-bruisingly intense kisses with each other. (Fellas in the crowd, I think it goes without saying that this means, bring videocameras.)
Ladies First -- Safety a Close Second
Now, everyone please remember for safety's sake -- those few of you who end up as finalists are going to have to follow ALL the same precautions and instructions from previous years plus the new ones mentioned in the packet and on our website. These include the guidelines recommending you bring your own smelling-salts and a minimum of one heart defibrillator per group of four female finalists. As hard as it is for me to believe every year, some of you have still never been kissed properly -- and frankly I can't be responsible for your personal safety after whatever involuntary reaction you might undergo during our brief but magical time together. Obviously, I'll do everything I can to let your head down gently if you happen to be one of the many women who faint unexpectedly* each year, but please remember to bring a friend or two to watch out for you after your experience. Security will be busy with crowd control.
*But really, can it actually be considered "unexpected" after all this time? I mean, you've seen these lips...c'mon! Let's be prepared, is all I'm asking.
What Else Do I Need To Know?
Remember -- the kissing starts at 1pm sharp, so please arrive several hours earlier for check-in and screening. My personal assistants will be going up and down the lines giving you pointers such as "Don't look him in the eyes until you're within 3 feet," and "Only speak when spoken to" -- in order to make this experience more enjoyable for both of us. Also, just remember, there's no reason to be nervous or apprehensive. Though on some level I understand this will be the highlight of your life both as a woman and a sexual being, I'm told childbirth is actually quite gratifying too for you womenfolk. So let's keep the exit lines moving along at a brisk pace today, okay? No backflow, no sobbing, no marriage proposals, etc. That's what the other men we're shipping in are going to be available for, both during and after the event. Again, look for those little white hats with seamen under them. Oh, and PLEASE leave your boyfriends at home this year, ladies? It's just embarrassing for me to have to see them cry like that, frankly.
Anyway -- I'll bid you all adieu for now, to let you all go get your lips warmed up for this afternoon's main event. Thanks again for the HUGE turnout last year, for all the great application videos I received this year, and for having such excellent taste to choose the ultimate in Kiss-A-Thons!
I expect to see most of you lucky ladies this afternoon, and always remember...Keep Kissing.
