SH 2015: So Stay Stay Stay (for snapbaeks)
For: snapbaeks
From: ANONYMOUS until May 22, 2015
Title: So Stay Stay Stay
Rating: PG
Pairing(s)/Focus: Suho/Baekhyun
Length: 5,723 words
Summary: Maybe it’s time for Junmyeon to finally stop running.
Notes: To the recipient, I hope you enjoy! To H, for always lending a helping hand and giving me that extra push, you’re the best!
I don’t see this going anywhere.
The words replayed themselves in Junmyeon’s head all morning. Around and around like a carousel he couldn’t stop.
He had met Yixing two months ago, at a work fundraiser. He was charming, with his messy Korean and deep dimples that popped up whenever he smiled. They shared an interest in art and pleasant conversation; things between them were simple and easy. Yes, Yixing didn’t make his heart flip-flop, or his knees go weak. But he was solidly dependable (even with a forgetful streak a mile-long), and for a time Junmyeon thought this could really be something.
So when Yixing had looked serious across the table at their dinner the night before, brows knitted and lips set in a thin line, Junmyeon’s stomach sank. Some part of him knew what Yixing was going to say before he said it, and he braced himself for the actual words. When they came, it hurt, like the dull ache of a wound that’s been opened too many times. Even with Yixing’s sweet words and genuine sincerity, to Junmyeon it all sounded like the same thing. You aren’t good enough.
The part that saddened Junmyeon the most, as he lay in bed hours later, was how unsurprised he was by all of this. Jongdae had been ribbing him all week, claiming that Yixing was finally going to make their relationship exclusive and that Junmyeon just had to bring him to his gig this weekend. “It could be a celebration!,” he had said while elbowing Junmyeon painfully in the ribs. But something deep in Junmyeon’s gut told him that Jongdae was wrong, and he was proven right.
He sat in his office the next morning, door closed, so he could sulk and obsess over what was so wrong with him that he couldn’t make a relationship happen. Because if anything was obvious to Junmyeon it was the fact that the problem had to be him. There was no way that it just so happened to be a coincidence that all of his non-relationships happened to end in the same way. That once the superficial was stripped away and it was time to really get to know each other, it was so easy to walk away from him.
Maybe he should just give up and buy a cat already. At least the cat would love-
"Junmyeon hyung!" Jongdae calls out, interrupting Junmyeon’s thoughts as he opens Junmyeon’s office door. He bounds over, much too peppy for a late Friday morning.
"Jongdae-yah," Junmyeon starts, "isn't there some work for you to be attending to?"
Jongdae scoffs before hopping up to sit at the edge of Junmyeon’s desk, practically draping himself over the top of Junmyeon's computer monitor. "It's Friday hyung, who cares. Plus it’s almost lunch and you promised you’d treat me, remember?"
Junmyeon rolls his eyes and starts clearing up papers on his desk, anything to avoid eye contact with an expectant Jongdae. Most of his morning energy had been devoted to thinking of a proper excuse to get out of having lunch so he could avoid the inevitable awkward conversation, and Junmyeon knows that one look at Jongdae’s crinkled eye-smile would be enough to make any excuse he could come up with a moot point.
“Hyunggg!”
Actually on second thought, maybe better to give up and give in. Anything to stop Jongdae’s incessant whining. Even if it was sort of cute.
“Of course I remember,” Junmyeon looks up to meet Jongdae’s eyes and forces the corners of his mouth into a smile. “Just let me finish getting this stuff organized for the afternoon?”
Jongdae beams as he jumps down from his perch on Junmyeon’s desk, happy to have gotten exactly what he wanted. As usual. “I’ll meet you in the lobby in ten minutes. Be there or be square!” Jongdae laughs to himself as he walks towards the door of Junmyeon’s office, but before closing the door he whips back around. “I’m serious, in ten minutes.”
Junmyeon waves a hand. “Of course, I’ll see you in ten minutes.”
He does, walking into the building lobby to find Jongdae leaning against a window and scrolling through his phone while he waits. The walk to the their favorite cafe a few blocks away is pleasant and comfortable, echoes the bright sunlight and soft spring breeze.
“So, how was your hot date last night?” Jongdae asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
Junmyeon shoves a bit of salad into his mouth and shrugs. “Fine,” he mumbles around his food, hopeful it’ll be answer enough to satisfy Jongdae.
“Good, it’s been like two months and I still haven’t met the guy.” Jongdae dips some french fries into the glob of ketchup at the side of his plate. “You’re gonna bring him to my gig tonight right?”
Shit.
“Actually, Yixing isn’t coming.” Junmyeon picks around his salad a bit more. He knows if he looks up all he’ll see is Jongdae’s eyes, soft and sad, and he really doesn’t want to cry in the middle of the cafe. It’s embarrassing.
A beat of silence passes before Jongdae speaks, "But you're still coming right?"
Junmyeon looks up in surprise. Jongdae is smiling his sly cat smile, the one where his lips curl up at the edges mischievously, not a hint of pity on his face. Junmyeon lets out a breath he didn’t realize was holding, so relieved he starts laughing.
"You are absolutely shameless."
"I know!” Jongdae reaches his hand across the table and gives Junmyeon a brief pat on the arm. “But hyung, if you wanna talk about it, you can. I'll listen."
The thing is, Junmyeon isn't sure he does want to talk about it. What is there to say about another failed relationship? It’s strange, how you could put everything you have into another person and in the end it’s still not enough to keep them from walking away. Or maybe it’s just him, Junmyeon thinks. He isn’t enough.
"We decided to stop seeing each other now, before things got serious. It was mutual. Not a big deal, you know?" Junmyeon can taste the lie on his tongue, the metallic bitterness it leaves in his mouth. The smile he shoots Jongdae from across the table is all wrong too, terse and stiff.
A moment of silence passes, an excruciating moment where all Junmyeon can think about is how Jongdae can see right through him, but it passes. “Do you think Liyin noona will come if I asked her?”
His shoulders relax, and Junmyeon settles into enjoying his salad, letting Jongdae’s chatter drain the tension from his body.
A few drinks later and Junmyeon feels good: loose limbed, the music from Jongdae’s band thumping through his body. He likes watching Jongdae work the stage, throwing himself into the music. He stalks around, a mix of lithe energy that draws you in and hypnotizes. The girls crowded around seem to like it too, clamoring to get closer. Junmyeon sips the last dregs of his glass and decides he could do with another drink, so he turns around to make his way out of the crowd and back towards the bar.
He bumps into another man on the way there. Someone just a bit taller than him, wearing a bright blue jacket. But when he throws out an arm to steady himself and apologize, the stranger has already slipped away. He spots him again, after a quick scan of the mass of people hovering near the bar, ordering drinks.
Junmyeon watches as the stranger glances around before reaching over the bar top. He sneaks a hand down towards the bottom shelf, and pulls a half empty bottle of tequila out from underneath. They lock eyes and the stranger lifts a finger to his lips, smiles cheekily, and winks. All without getting caught by the bartenders, who are too busy at the other side of the bar trying to keep up with drink orders.
The stranger turns and starts walking casually away from the scene of the crime, no one around him any the wiser of what he’s done. Suddenly Junmyeon is gripped by curiosity at someone so brazen, and maybe a little reckless. So he decides to follow this stranger, weaving in and out of the people who crowd around him.
He looks a little lost, holding the tequila bottle close to his side as he bumps into people. Junmyeon finally catches up to him, and places a hand on his shoulder. The stranger whips around, eyes wide.
“Oh hello! Do I know you?”
“No, I was-”
“Ah, yes! You were the guy who caught me right?” The stranger gives Junmyeon’s elbow a gentle squeeze. “Thanks for not saying anything.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Suddenly he leans in close to Junmyeon, and his pointy chin digs into Junmyeon’s shoulder. “I think I lost my friends,” he whispers in his ear, warm breath ghosting over Junmyeon’s cheek as he pulls away.
“I can help you find them?”
The stranger locks eyes with Junmyeon, boring into him. He suddenly feels naked, exposed. The stranger smirks. “What do you say about getting outta here instead?”
Junmyeon doesn’t know what possesses him to agree, nodding dumbly. Maybe it’s the way his stomach flip-flops when the stranger’s long fingers slip around his wrist. Or the way his heart thumps fast and furious, against the current of the music, when he notices the way the lights catch in his eyes.
The stranger intertwines his fingers with Junmyeon as they begin weaving in and out of the crowd. His palms feel warm against Junmyeon’s skin. Then just as suddenly they’re outside in the alleyway, cool air soothing on Junmyeon’s flushed cheeks.
“I”m Baekhyun,” the stranger introduces himself.
In the light of the streetlamps, Junmyeon can get a better look at Baekhyun. His hair lays across his forehead, damp with sweat, the purplish sheen vibrant even in the dark. His eyes look sultry, lined in dark coal and heavy lidded. Overall his face is delicate, pretty without being too perfected.
“Junmyeon.”
Baekhyun smiles, white teeth gleaming. Everything about Baekhyun seems to sparkle or smolder, a collection of light and shadows. “So what should we do on this lovely night, with our pilfered goods?”
"I have no clue. I've never been an accomplice to a crime," Junmyeon smiles behind his hand. "I’ll follow your lead."
As if on cue, his stomach grumbles loudly. Baekhyun meets his eyes. “I’m hungry?,” Junmyeon blurts out, then winces. Smooth.
Without the music of the band to drown it out, it’s obvious to Junmyeon that Baekhyun heard everything. He waits for the inevitable insult, or laughter, breath baited. Heat blooms on his cheeks, and he gives a silent prayer of thanks that his face is already flushed.
But it never comes. Instead Baekhyun smiles. “A picnic it is then!” he exclaims, looping an arm through Junmyeon’s and pulling him along down the street.
They stop at a convenience store and Baekhyun hums as he picks up different items, contemplating. Junmyeon takes the opportunity to grab a box of his favorite cookies, the cartoon pandas on the box grinning at him happily. After a few minutes of wondering, Baekhyun dumps a pile of all sorts of different things -cheeseballs and Crunky chocolate bars and chips- on the counter, looking very smug and pleased. When Junmyeon pulls out his credit card to pay for it all, Baekhyun squeals and nuzzles his face in Junmyeon’s arm. It makes Junmyeon laugh, loud and clear, oblivious to whatever the cashier must be thinking of them.
Laughter rings through the street as they walk, mixing with the sounds of traffic and the underlying hum of the city. In what feels like no time at all they’ve gotten to a park, racing each other towards to the swingset. When Junmyeon loses, he laughs so hard his stomach starts to cramp up, his mouth gaped wide open.
"You look like a fish," Baekhyun tells him before dissolving in giggles of his own.
They each sit on a swing, passing each other bites of different things and taking turns swigging from the bottle. But most of all they talk. Mostly about silly things: Baekhyun’s strange love of cheeseballs, Junmyeon’s fascination with the possibility of extraterrestrials, their shared disgust of coffee. Everything seems bright and dazzling, but most of all Junmyeon feels free. He doesn’t care if he sounds dumb or silly or lame, isn’t constantly self checking himself against some sort of yardstick of perfection. Sometimes his jokes don’t stick or he trips over his words, but Baekhyun doesn’t care. He just laughs with clear bright eyes.
Later, when they lay in the grass and point out constellations to each other, Junmyeon’s nerves buzzing and the cool grass soothing on the back of his sweaty neck, he thinks it all must be a dream.
The next morning Junmyeon wakes up on his couch, early morning sunlight peaking through the blinds. His head feels heavy and his tongue lays dry and cottony in his mouth. He can vaguely remember getting home last night, putting Baekhyun in a cab and catching one of his own after they woke up in the grass, shivering and wet from the morning dew. For a moment he remembers how nice Baekhyun had felt, curled up warm against him.
He reaches for his phone, curious about what time it could be, but the battery is dead. Taking it as a sign to get off the couch, Junmyeon rolls over and nearly falls flat on his face, knee bumping into the edge of the coffee table. After a stumble or two he finally makes it to his bedroom; he curses at himself for being so messy, unable to find his phone charger amidst the piles of clothes.
As soon as Junmyeon finally puts in his phone to charge, the screen lights up and a dozen dings go off in quick succession. There's at least four phone calls from Jongdae, a handful of text messages, and a voicemail that Junmyeon is sure consists of Jongdae scolding him for running off without saying anything.
Before he can do anything, the phone vibrates with a new text message from Jongdae: 30 minutes at our usual spot. breakfast is on me.
While Junmyeon would mostly like to crawl into his bed, stick his head under the covers, and not come out for about a week, he can’t say no to one of the rare times Jongdae offers to treat him. He knows somewhere in the back of his mind that it must be a bribe of some sort, but the promise of something that can ease the pounding in his head sounds too good to pass up.
He replies with, sure thing, before rifling through the endless piles of clothes littering his floor to search for something clean to wear.
“Thank God you’re alive,” Jongdae says as Junmyeon flops down into the seat across from him. There’s already a bowl of haejangguk and a steaming cup of tea on the table.
“Barely.”
It’s not a lie. Junmyeon pushes his sunglasses up his nose; he’s too afraid to take them off and scare Jongdae away. No amount of showering, aspirin, and water this morning could erase the dark circles under his eyes and the sickly pallor of his skin. He looks as bad as he feels.
“So wild child, you gonna tell me how your night was?” Jongdae cocks his head to the side, one eyebrow raised. “You disappeared without a word. I was sort of, kind of worried."
Junmyeon pushes the haejangguk around his bowl. His stomach churns at the thought of actually eating any. “I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I feel absolutely terrible today.”
“Clearly,” Jongdae answers wryly. “And it does. Make me feel better that is.”
Junmyeon sticks his tongue out. “Not nice,” he mutters, before taking a sip of tea.
“I never said I was,” Jongdae slurps at his own tea noisily. “Stop trying to avoid the question. You can’t get out of it, I know all your tricks.”
A sigh, “Fine, fine. I think I sort of met someone?"
"Spill,” Jongdae commands, both eyebrows shooting up in what Junmyeon can only assume is surprise.
"That's the thing...there isn’t really anything to tell? All I know is the guy's name." Junmyeon swipes through his phone for a few seconds before he finds what he's looking for: a picture of him and Baekhyun from the night before. Their faces are smooshed together, cheeks pressed tight to fit in the frame. Junmyeon’s face is scrunched up in mid-laughter, while Baekhyun glances at him out of the corner of his eye with a fond smile and an obligatory 'V' sign. It makes something in Junmyeon's heart flutter. He passes the phone to Jongdae.
Across the table, Jongdae contemplates the photo for a moment, before nodding his head in approval. "Good work hyung, he's pretty cute. I mean not as cute as me, but decent."
"But I'll never see him again. Probably for the best though, I'm sure I made quite the fool of myself." Junmyeon sighs heavily while his head pounds behind his eyes. He wishes he was hiding in bed for the rest of the day like he planned, instead of being interrogated by Jongdae.
Jongdae studies the photo for a moment, “I don’t know. He looks pretty smitten to me. It’s too bad you didn’t get his number or anything.”
“Yeah, it’s too bad.”
Junmyeon finds he really means it.
1 Week Later
Spring tumbles in full bloom, the trees once again lush and green. It’s Junmyeon’s first time venturing out to his favorite flower market since the season started. He’s missed walking along the rows of fresh cut flowers, picking out whatever seems prettiest to him that week. A secret happiness that no one else can touch, one that’s just for him.
Junmyeon is bent over a container of peonies, inhaling their sweet scent, when a voice whispers into his ear.
“What a surprise running into you here, Junmyeon-ssi.”
He startles, turning his head to the side to see Baekhyun standing next to him. He looks cute dressed in jeans and a thin sweater, the sleeves just long enough for the tips of thin fingers to peak out like a pair of puppy paws. He looks younger too, fresh and barefaced.
“It must be fate.” Junmyeon’s face breaks into a grin, eyes crinkling into little crescents. “Care to join me?”
Baekhyun’s head tilts slightly to the side before he gives a little nod. The sunlight threads bits of lavender through his hair. “I’d love to.”
They walk through the stalls together, pointing out different types of flowers and rattling off their favorites. Junmyeon wonders at the lack of anxiety gripping at his nerves, the way they normally do when he's caught off guard. Instead there's only the soft flutter of butterflies caught in his chest that feel light and bright, like the sun and Baekhyun’s smile. They talk about everything, and nothing at all. When Junmyeon insists on dropping the formalities, Baekhyun shines. Everything is easy and light between them, like that night in the park, and Junmyeon feels happy.
“So, what brings you out here all by yourself?” Baekhyun asks.
The question takes Junmyeon aback for a moment. It’s not on purpose, but neither of them have been very forthcoming with personal questions. Part of him likes it better this way. Baekhyun doesn’t push to know him in the conventional way, and it puts him at ease. He doesn’t have to hide behind pleasantries and propriety, because there’s no fear of disappointing Baekhyun, of driving him away. Junmyeon’s shoulders feel light without the weight of insecurity dragging them down.
“Don’t laugh,” Junmyeon warns.
Baekhyun arranges his face seriously, nods once before tracing an ‘X’ over his heart with a long, thin finger. “You have my word.”
He leans in a bit closer, “I used to garden with my aunt. The flowers remind me of her.” He can feel the heat climbing up his neck when he straightens back up.
Sunlight glints off Baekhyun’s irises. Junmyeon wonders if he was close enough, could he see flecks of amber, warm and gold like honey. “Why would I ever laugh at that?” Baekhyun looks genuinely perplexed, eyebrows knitted together, forming little wrinkles in between his eyebrows.
Junmyeon doesn’t quite know the answer himself, just knows that he’s always been too afraid to admit it to anybody else before. In the past, just the thought of mentioning it aloud made his skin crawl, like there was an itch just beneath the surface. Like he would do anything to wriggle and escape out of his own body. It was something just for his heart to know. A secret to share with someone he knows won’t walk away from him. But Baekhyun makes these secrets tumble from him without thought or preamble, a thread of confidence that glimmers quietly inside of him.
“I’m not sure,” Junmyeon admits, rubbing at the back of his neck a little. “It’s just that I’ve never told anyone that before.”
The serious expression is wiped away as Baekhyun throws his head back and laughs, “You’re kinda weird.” But then his hands is in Junmyeon’s and he’s pulling him towards a stall full of gerber daisies. “I like it.”
Something settles in Junmyeon’s stomach, a sigh of relief that puts his whole body at ease. Baekhyun rests his head on his shoulder, and asks, “Is she gone? Your aunt I mean?” A beat of silence passes between them as they look over the flowers together. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” Baekhyun amends.
“No, it’s okay,” Junmyeon inspects a bunch of yellow daisies. “She passed away before I left for university. We were very close.”
Baekhyun squeezes his hand, “I’m so sorry.”
"Isn't it strange how we apologize when someone's gone? It's not anyone's fault. At least not most of the time. It's just...life." Junmyeon picks up a bouquet, satisfied. "But thank you," he adds softly and smiles at Baekhyun.
"Those are beautiful," Baekhyun gestures to the bouquet. Then he grins, eyes twinkling mischievously. "So Mr. Florist Man how much do you charge for a custom order?"
"For you?" Junmyeon laughs, "I'll do it for free."
As Baekhyun woops in triumph, Junmyeon feels hazy and warm and light.
3 Weeks Later
It’s slowly become a game for him now, to go out into the world and wonder if this will be the next time he runs into Baekhyun. There’s something akin to a fairytale about their relationship, the way Baekhyun magically appears and disappears. Like a sprite or woodland nymph, come to whisk Junmyeon away from his life of self imposed restrictions. An oasis in the middle of the desert.
Jongdae thinks he's being silly and can't understand how he wouldn't want to see Baekhyun on a more normal basis. “Stop being such a weirdo and ask him out on a date. Like a normal person would!” were his exact words if Junmyeon remembers correctly. He thinks that Jongdae can't possibly understand, to know what it's like to go through life without a layer of impossible charm drawing people in. His non-relationship with Baekhyun feels safer this way, with no room for disappointment and heartache.
Yet, he’s still caught off guard a few weeks laters when he sees Baekhyun walking alone into the ice cream shop a few steps ahead of himself. He debates for a moment on whether or not to say anything. But before he can make a decision either way, Baekhyun spots him and nearly yelps in surprise
"Fancy seeing you here," Baekhyun smirks and throws an arm around Junmyeon's shoulder.
"A very happy accident," Junmyeon agrees.
Baekhyun pats his shoulder, "How about this time it's my treat?"
All Junmyeon can do is smile and nod in agreement, as they walk up to the counter to order. Falling back into their usual banter is easy as they walk towards the outside tables, hands full with ice cream.
“Well you know what they say,” Baekhyun says around a lick of his ice cream cone. A drop of strawberry flavor clings to his upper lip. “Third time’s a charm.”
Confusion washes over Junmyeon for a moment. “Hmmm?”
“Listen, I’m just gonna lay it all out. I like you...a lot. And I kind of want to take you out on a real date,” Baekhyun bites the top off of his cone. “Plus you're really cute.”
Junmyeon stops mid-bite, the plastic spoon filled with his favorite apple flavor still hovering in the air. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Baekhyun contemplates him for a moment, with that stare that Junmyeon swears can see right through him. “What are you so afraid of?”
Junmyeon doesn’t know. Can’t find the answer to why he’s so adamant about running away from this beautiful boy, with his square smile and open heart.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Baekhyun contemplates him for a moment. “I like you, and I’m pretty much positive you like me too.” He gestures to himself, “I mean look at me, how could you not?” It sound so much like something Jongdae would say that Junmyeon can’t help laughing, even if it comes out more like a strangled gurgle. Baekhyun’s face softens, “But you’re afraid, and I just can’t figure out why.”
“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon hates the crack in his voice, the way his throat tightens up. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s going to cry. Maybe he doesn’t know much of anything anymore. Maybe he never did at all.
Sitting across from him, Baekhyun doesn’t look angry, doesn’t push. Just a slight downward droop of his eyes betrays his sadness and his disappointment. Bile rises in Junmyeon’s throat. Disappointment drives people away, makes them leave. Then he remembers that Baekhyun was never meant to stay to begin with.
For a second, Baekhyun really looks at Junmyeon, studies the planes of his face. Then just as suddenly he's scribbling on a napkin. "Here's my number," he says and slides the napkin to Junmyeon. "Whenever you're ready, give me a call."
"Okay," is all Junmyeon can manage to get out. He fingers the napkin and doesn't look up at Baekhyun.
The sound of metal scraping on concrete finally gets Junmyeon to look back up. “I’m not mad or anything. I just thought you needed to know how I really felt.” His square smile is a little lopsided, and a drip of ice cream falls across his knuckles. “But I am gonna go now. Before it gets awkward. I’ll see you around.”
Then Baekhyun is walking down the street, slurping loudly, before he disappears from Junmyeon’s sight completely.
An hour goes by before Junmyeon can do anything, his ice cream melted and the sky turning pink as the sun sets. The napkin with Baekhyun’s number is still stuck on the table in front of him, taunting him as the corner ripples in the wind. So he stuffs it in his pocket, stands up from the table, and methodically cleans up his mess.
Once his melted ice cream has been thrown in the trash and the table cleared of any spills, Junmyeon walks. He walks aimlessly down the street, in the same direction Baekhyun had, his head too busy swirling with thoughts to pay much attention. But once he stops, takes a second to get his bearings, he realizes he’s walked to the park. Right into the same park from the night they met.
It’s nearly deserted, most of the families heading back to their homes as the air turns cold. Junmyeon wraps his cardigan closer around him, and walks towards the swingset. He sits and starts to pump his legs up and down, desperate to chase out the feeling of restless. After a few minutes his legs start to burn from the effort, quieting the hum of his brain enough to try and make sense of it all.
He’s is afraid. Alone in the impending twilight, he can’t be anything other than honest with himself. He’s afraid. He’s afraid of letting Baekhyun get too close, because then he might have the power to hurt him. They might have the power to hurt each other. Junmyeon knows how to handle heartache built on the cusp of what might have been, a half hurt that stings but doesn’t devastate. Falling in love, opening your heart to that level of pain, is uncharted territory. It scares him. It scares him in a way nothing else ever has.
Because Baekhyun is already too close. He knows Junmyeon, really knows him, in a way that no one else has ever managed. He doesn’t let people get close, too busy putting all the attention on them and deflecting from himself. Things are starting to make more sense, now. It’s never really been a question of him being enough for someone else, but rather him deciding for himself that he can be enough. People can’t hold onto someone if they don’t know them. Then again, letting someone climb that wall and fall into him, takes courage Junmyeon isn’t sure he has.
But then other thoughts flash through Junmyeon’s mind. Baekhyun warm against his chest, Baekhyun smiling in the sun, Baekhyun laughing and teasing and kissing. Talking for hours about everything and nothing at all. Long stretches of comfortable silence. These are all things he wants, deep in his bones. And he wants them with Baekhyun. Suddenly everything is so simple.
He pulls the napkin from his pocket and types out a text message: I think I’m ready. At the park from the first night. Meet me? Closing his eyes, he presses send, a rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. Even though it feels like forever, only a minute passes by before his phone vibrates in response.
I’ll be there in 15. Don’t move!
Junmyeon glances up at the sky, and the first glimpse of stars. He doesn’t plan on moving an inch.
They talk for hours, sitting in the park, with a cache of snacks between them.
Baekhyun tells him about his job at the veterinarian office. How he loves animals, and wants to heal them. The extra hours devoted to school are worth it when he thinks of how many furry lives he can change. He tells Junmyeon funny stories about his roommate Tao: the high-maintenance love for tacky designer fashion, crying whenever he sees an insect, a deep shared love of animals. He gets a little misty eyed when he talks about his grandmother who lives in the mountains, and how she taught him to fish in the lakes and run free on the grass. Who he never gets to see enough and loves very, very much.
In return, Junmyeon tells Baekhyun about himself. His job at the non-profit company his parents railed against at first. Jongdae, his best friend from college whose charming and fun, and has always been on Junmeyon’s side. His aunt who loved him, no strings attached, and then left a gaping hole in his heart. How sometimes he so afraid of being alone that he pushes everyone away by keeping them too close.
Baekhyun holds his hand and listens, really listens, in a way that makes Junmyeon feel like he’s being heard for the first time.
“Is that why you were keeping me at arm's length? Because you didn’t want to scare me away or something?” Baekhyun asks.
Junmyeon chews on his bottom lip. “I think so? But then I realized something.”
“What?”
“You’ve made me feel braver than anybody else. How could I walk away from that?”
It’s so much like the first night they met, but Junmyeon feels different this time. Open and transparent, maybe a little bit raw...the hazy dream lifted to reveal reality and nothing else. He thought it would ruin the fragile, magical world they had created. In some ways it did. But the cage never slammed down, to trap him in the confines of his own insecurity.
Everything is so easy between them now, and Junmyeon thinks it’s funny how they did things in reverse. They already know each other, at least all the important parts of each other. The rest is just formalities.
When Baekhyun leans over and kisses him, soft and slow and sweet, Junmyeon never knew he could be so happy.
3 Months Later
“Hyung! What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asks, looking up from the paperwork he’s rifling through.
Junmyeon bites his lip. “I came to take you out for lunch. But if you’re busy…” The uncertainty comes back sometimes, the fear of doing something wrong, of driving someone away. But Baekhyun always smiles, says just the right words to make Junmyeon understand. I’m here and I’m staying and I’m not going to run away from you.
“Don’t be silly, of course I have time for lunch!” Baekhyun grabs his tie, pulls him closer, and kisses him with just enough slip of the tongue to make it slightly inappropriate for the workplace. He thinks he hears someone snort appreciatively when Baekhyun pulls away. “Especially when you’re paying.”
Junmyeon laughs. “You’re kind of a brat.” But Baekhyun just sighs and pinches his side a bit, as they walk out of the clinic together, hand in hand.
“You look very handsome today,” Baekhyun compliments once they’re out of the shadow of the building. “I like that tie.”
“Well, I love you.”
And Junmyeon does love Baekhyun, loves everything about him. He’s been afraid to say the words, like saying them outloud makes them more real, but like is too short. Life's too short and not nearly long enough to keep such a big, scary, wonderful feeling hidden away in his heart. He’s not scared, not anymore, not really. Baekhyun makes him brave.
“I love you, too.”
Baekhyun is looking at him, soft and fond, before he kisses him, hands trailing up and down his back. Junmyeon can feel Baekhyun’s breath, hot on his ear. “Baby got back,” he whispers, grabbing a handful of Junmyeon’s butt and squeezing. Shocked, he starts laughing, and Baekhyun runs away, the sunlight dappling through the leaves of the trees.
On a late summer afternoon, Junmyeon runs too.
From: ANONYMOUS until May 22, 2015
Title: So Stay Stay Stay
Rating: PG
Pairing(s)/Focus: Suho/Baekhyun
Length: 5,723 words
Summary: Maybe it’s time for Junmyeon to finally stop running.
Notes: To the recipient, I hope you enjoy! To H, for always lending a helping hand and giving me that extra push, you’re the best!
I don’t see this going anywhere.
The words replayed themselves in Junmyeon’s head all morning. Around and around like a carousel he couldn’t stop.
He had met Yixing two months ago, at a work fundraiser. He was charming, with his messy Korean and deep dimples that popped up whenever he smiled. They shared an interest in art and pleasant conversation; things between them were simple and easy. Yes, Yixing didn’t make his heart flip-flop, or his knees go weak. But he was solidly dependable (even with a forgetful streak a mile-long), and for a time Junmyeon thought this could really be something.
So when Yixing had looked serious across the table at their dinner the night before, brows knitted and lips set in a thin line, Junmyeon’s stomach sank. Some part of him knew what Yixing was going to say before he said it, and he braced himself for the actual words. When they came, it hurt, like the dull ache of a wound that’s been opened too many times. Even with Yixing’s sweet words and genuine sincerity, to Junmyeon it all sounded like the same thing. You aren’t good enough.
The part that saddened Junmyeon the most, as he lay in bed hours later, was how unsurprised he was by all of this. Jongdae had been ribbing him all week, claiming that Yixing was finally going to make their relationship exclusive and that Junmyeon just had to bring him to his gig this weekend. “It could be a celebration!,” he had said while elbowing Junmyeon painfully in the ribs. But something deep in Junmyeon’s gut told him that Jongdae was wrong, and he was proven right.
He sat in his office the next morning, door closed, so he could sulk and obsess over what was so wrong with him that he couldn’t make a relationship happen. Because if anything was obvious to Junmyeon it was the fact that the problem had to be him. There was no way that it just so happened to be a coincidence that all of his non-relationships happened to end in the same way. That once the superficial was stripped away and it was time to really get to know each other, it was so easy to walk away from him.
Maybe he should just give up and buy a cat already. At least the cat would love-
"Junmyeon hyung!" Jongdae calls out, interrupting Junmyeon’s thoughts as he opens Junmyeon’s office door. He bounds over, much too peppy for a late Friday morning.
"Jongdae-yah," Junmyeon starts, "isn't there some work for you to be attending to?"
Jongdae scoffs before hopping up to sit at the edge of Junmyeon’s desk, practically draping himself over the top of Junmyeon's computer monitor. "It's Friday hyung, who cares. Plus it’s almost lunch and you promised you’d treat me, remember?"
Junmyeon rolls his eyes and starts clearing up papers on his desk, anything to avoid eye contact with an expectant Jongdae. Most of his morning energy had been devoted to thinking of a proper excuse to get out of having lunch so he could avoid the inevitable awkward conversation, and Junmyeon knows that one look at Jongdae’s crinkled eye-smile would be enough to make any excuse he could come up with a moot point.
“Hyunggg!”
Actually on second thought, maybe better to give up and give in. Anything to stop Jongdae’s incessant whining. Even if it was sort of cute.
“Of course I remember,” Junmyeon looks up to meet Jongdae’s eyes and forces the corners of his mouth into a smile. “Just let me finish getting this stuff organized for the afternoon?”
Jongdae beams as he jumps down from his perch on Junmyeon’s desk, happy to have gotten exactly what he wanted. As usual. “I’ll meet you in the lobby in ten minutes. Be there or be square!” Jongdae laughs to himself as he walks towards the door of Junmyeon’s office, but before closing the door he whips back around. “I’m serious, in ten minutes.”
Junmyeon waves a hand. “Of course, I’ll see you in ten minutes.”
He does, walking into the building lobby to find Jongdae leaning against a window and scrolling through his phone while he waits. The walk to the their favorite cafe a few blocks away is pleasant and comfortable, echoes the bright sunlight and soft spring breeze.
“So, how was your hot date last night?” Jongdae asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
Junmyeon shoves a bit of salad into his mouth and shrugs. “Fine,” he mumbles around his food, hopeful it’ll be answer enough to satisfy Jongdae.
“Good, it’s been like two months and I still haven’t met the guy.” Jongdae dips some french fries into the glob of ketchup at the side of his plate. “You’re gonna bring him to my gig tonight right?”
Shit.
“Actually, Yixing isn’t coming.” Junmyeon picks around his salad a bit more. He knows if he looks up all he’ll see is Jongdae’s eyes, soft and sad, and he really doesn’t want to cry in the middle of the cafe. It’s embarrassing.
A beat of silence passes before Jongdae speaks, "But you're still coming right?"
Junmyeon looks up in surprise. Jongdae is smiling his sly cat smile, the one where his lips curl up at the edges mischievously, not a hint of pity on his face. Junmyeon lets out a breath he didn’t realize was holding, so relieved he starts laughing.
"You are absolutely shameless."
"I know!” Jongdae reaches his hand across the table and gives Junmyeon a brief pat on the arm. “But hyung, if you wanna talk about it, you can. I'll listen."
The thing is, Junmyeon isn't sure he does want to talk about it. What is there to say about another failed relationship? It’s strange, how you could put everything you have into another person and in the end it’s still not enough to keep them from walking away. Or maybe it’s just him, Junmyeon thinks. He isn’t enough.
"We decided to stop seeing each other now, before things got serious. It was mutual. Not a big deal, you know?" Junmyeon can taste the lie on his tongue, the metallic bitterness it leaves in his mouth. The smile he shoots Jongdae from across the table is all wrong too, terse and stiff.
A moment of silence passes, an excruciating moment where all Junmyeon can think about is how Jongdae can see right through him, but it passes. “Do you think Liyin noona will come if I asked her?”
His shoulders relax, and Junmyeon settles into enjoying his salad, letting Jongdae’s chatter drain the tension from his body.
A few drinks later and Junmyeon feels good: loose limbed, the music from Jongdae’s band thumping through his body. He likes watching Jongdae work the stage, throwing himself into the music. He stalks around, a mix of lithe energy that draws you in and hypnotizes. The girls crowded around seem to like it too, clamoring to get closer. Junmyeon sips the last dregs of his glass and decides he could do with another drink, so he turns around to make his way out of the crowd and back towards the bar.
He bumps into another man on the way there. Someone just a bit taller than him, wearing a bright blue jacket. But when he throws out an arm to steady himself and apologize, the stranger has already slipped away. He spots him again, after a quick scan of the mass of people hovering near the bar, ordering drinks.
Junmyeon watches as the stranger glances around before reaching over the bar top. He sneaks a hand down towards the bottom shelf, and pulls a half empty bottle of tequila out from underneath. They lock eyes and the stranger lifts a finger to his lips, smiles cheekily, and winks. All without getting caught by the bartenders, who are too busy at the other side of the bar trying to keep up with drink orders.
The stranger turns and starts walking casually away from the scene of the crime, no one around him any the wiser of what he’s done. Suddenly Junmyeon is gripped by curiosity at someone so brazen, and maybe a little reckless. So he decides to follow this stranger, weaving in and out of the people who crowd around him.
He looks a little lost, holding the tequila bottle close to his side as he bumps into people. Junmyeon finally catches up to him, and places a hand on his shoulder. The stranger whips around, eyes wide.
“Oh hello! Do I know you?”
“No, I was-”
“Ah, yes! You were the guy who caught me right?” The stranger gives Junmyeon’s elbow a gentle squeeze. “Thanks for not saying anything.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Suddenly he leans in close to Junmyeon, and his pointy chin digs into Junmyeon’s shoulder. “I think I lost my friends,” he whispers in his ear, warm breath ghosting over Junmyeon’s cheek as he pulls away.
“I can help you find them?”
The stranger locks eyes with Junmyeon, boring into him. He suddenly feels naked, exposed. The stranger smirks. “What do you say about getting outta here instead?”
Junmyeon doesn’t know what possesses him to agree, nodding dumbly. Maybe it’s the way his stomach flip-flops when the stranger’s long fingers slip around his wrist. Or the way his heart thumps fast and furious, against the current of the music, when he notices the way the lights catch in his eyes.
The stranger intertwines his fingers with Junmyeon as they begin weaving in and out of the crowd. His palms feel warm against Junmyeon’s skin. Then just as suddenly they’re outside in the alleyway, cool air soothing on Junmyeon’s flushed cheeks.
“I”m Baekhyun,” the stranger introduces himself.
In the light of the streetlamps, Junmyeon can get a better look at Baekhyun. His hair lays across his forehead, damp with sweat, the purplish sheen vibrant even in the dark. His eyes look sultry, lined in dark coal and heavy lidded. Overall his face is delicate, pretty without being too perfected.
“Junmyeon.”
Baekhyun smiles, white teeth gleaming. Everything about Baekhyun seems to sparkle or smolder, a collection of light and shadows. “So what should we do on this lovely night, with our pilfered goods?”
"I have no clue. I've never been an accomplice to a crime," Junmyeon smiles behind his hand. "I’ll follow your lead."
As if on cue, his stomach grumbles loudly. Baekhyun meets his eyes. “I’m hungry?,” Junmyeon blurts out, then winces. Smooth.
Without the music of the band to drown it out, it’s obvious to Junmyeon that Baekhyun heard everything. He waits for the inevitable insult, or laughter, breath baited. Heat blooms on his cheeks, and he gives a silent prayer of thanks that his face is already flushed.
But it never comes. Instead Baekhyun smiles. “A picnic it is then!” he exclaims, looping an arm through Junmyeon’s and pulling him along down the street.
They stop at a convenience store and Baekhyun hums as he picks up different items, contemplating. Junmyeon takes the opportunity to grab a box of his favorite cookies, the cartoon pandas on the box grinning at him happily. After a few minutes of wondering, Baekhyun dumps a pile of all sorts of different things -cheeseballs and Crunky chocolate bars and chips- on the counter, looking very smug and pleased. When Junmyeon pulls out his credit card to pay for it all, Baekhyun squeals and nuzzles his face in Junmyeon’s arm. It makes Junmyeon laugh, loud and clear, oblivious to whatever the cashier must be thinking of them.
Laughter rings through the street as they walk, mixing with the sounds of traffic and the underlying hum of the city. In what feels like no time at all they’ve gotten to a park, racing each other towards to the swingset. When Junmyeon loses, he laughs so hard his stomach starts to cramp up, his mouth gaped wide open.
"You look like a fish," Baekhyun tells him before dissolving in giggles of his own.
They each sit on a swing, passing each other bites of different things and taking turns swigging from the bottle. But most of all they talk. Mostly about silly things: Baekhyun’s strange love of cheeseballs, Junmyeon’s fascination with the possibility of extraterrestrials, their shared disgust of coffee. Everything seems bright and dazzling, but most of all Junmyeon feels free. He doesn’t care if he sounds dumb or silly or lame, isn’t constantly self checking himself against some sort of yardstick of perfection. Sometimes his jokes don’t stick or he trips over his words, but Baekhyun doesn’t care. He just laughs with clear bright eyes.
Later, when they lay in the grass and point out constellations to each other, Junmyeon’s nerves buzzing and the cool grass soothing on the back of his sweaty neck, he thinks it all must be a dream.
The next morning Junmyeon wakes up on his couch, early morning sunlight peaking through the blinds. His head feels heavy and his tongue lays dry and cottony in his mouth. He can vaguely remember getting home last night, putting Baekhyun in a cab and catching one of his own after they woke up in the grass, shivering and wet from the morning dew. For a moment he remembers how nice Baekhyun had felt, curled up warm against him.
He reaches for his phone, curious about what time it could be, but the battery is dead. Taking it as a sign to get off the couch, Junmyeon rolls over and nearly falls flat on his face, knee bumping into the edge of the coffee table. After a stumble or two he finally makes it to his bedroom; he curses at himself for being so messy, unable to find his phone charger amidst the piles of clothes.
As soon as Junmyeon finally puts in his phone to charge, the screen lights up and a dozen dings go off in quick succession. There's at least four phone calls from Jongdae, a handful of text messages, and a voicemail that Junmyeon is sure consists of Jongdae scolding him for running off without saying anything.
Before he can do anything, the phone vibrates with a new text message from Jongdae: 30 minutes at our usual spot. breakfast is on me.
While Junmyeon would mostly like to crawl into his bed, stick his head under the covers, and not come out for about a week, he can’t say no to one of the rare times Jongdae offers to treat him. He knows somewhere in the back of his mind that it must be a bribe of some sort, but the promise of something that can ease the pounding in his head sounds too good to pass up.
He replies with, sure thing, before rifling through the endless piles of clothes littering his floor to search for something clean to wear.
“Thank God you’re alive,” Jongdae says as Junmyeon flops down into the seat across from him. There’s already a bowl of haejangguk and a steaming cup of tea on the table.
“Barely.”
It’s not a lie. Junmyeon pushes his sunglasses up his nose; he’s too afraid to take them off and scare Jongdae away. No amount of showering, aspirin, and water this morning could erase the dark circles under his eyes and the sickly pallor of his skin. He looks as bad as he feels.
“So wild child, you gonna tell me how your night was?” Jongdae cocks his head to the side, one eyebrow raised. “You disappeared without a word. I was sort of, kind of worried."
Junmyeon pushes the haejangguk around his bowl. His stomach churns at the thought of actually eating any. “I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I feel absolutely terrible today.”
“Clearly,” Jongdae answers wryly. “And it does. Make me feel better that is.”
Junmyeon sticks his tongue out. “Not nice,” he mutters, before taking a sip of tea.
“I never said I was,” Jongdae slurps at his own tea noisily. “Stop trying to avoid the question. You can’t get out of it, I know all your tricks.”
A sigh, “Fine, fine. I think I sort of met someone?"
"Spill,” Jongdae commands, both eyebrows shooting up in what Junmyeon can only assume is surprise.
"That's the thing...there isn’t really anything to tell? All I know is the guy's name." Junmyeon swipes through his phone for a few seconds before he finds what he's looking for: a picture of him and Baekhyun from the night before. Their faces are smooshed together, cheeks pressed tight to fit in the frame. Junmyeon’s face is scrunched up in mid-laughter, while Baekhyun glances at him out of the corner of his eye with a fond smile and an obligatory 'V' sign. It makes something in Junmyeon's heart flutter. He passes the phone to Jongdae.
Across the table, Jongdae contemplates the photo for a moment, before nodding his head in approval. "Good work hyung, he's pretty cute. I mean not as cute as me, but decent."
"But I'll never see him again. Probably for the best though, I'm sure I made quite the fool of myself." Junmyeon sighs heavily while his head pounds behind his eyes. He wishes he was hiding in bed for the rest of the day like he planned, instead of being interrogated by Jongdae.
Jongdae studies the photo for a moment, “I don’t know. He looks pretty smitten to me. It’s too bad you didn’t get his number or anything.”
“Yeah, it’s too bad.”
Junmyeon finds he really means it.
1 Week Later
Spring tumbles in full bloom, the trees once again lush and green. It’s Junmyeon’s first time venturing out to his favorite flower market since the season started. He’s missed walking along the rows of fresh cut flowers, picking out whatever seems prettiest to him that week. A secret happiness that no one else can touch, one that’s just for him.
Junmyeon is bent over a container of peonies, inhaling their sweet scent, when a voice whispers into his ear.
“What a surprise running into you here, Junmyeon-ssi.”
He startles, turning his head to the side to see Baekhyun standing next to him. He looks cute dressed in jeans and a thin sweater, the sleeves just long enough for the tips of thin fingers to peak out like a pair of puppy paws. He looks younger too, fresh and barefaced.
“It must be fate.” Junmyeon’s face breaks into a grin, eyes crinkling into little crescents. “Care to join me?”
Baekhyun’s head tilts slightly to the side before he gives a little nod. The sunlight threads bits of lavender through his hair. “I’d love to.”
They walk through the stalls together, pointing out different types of flowers and rattling off their favorites. Junmyeon wonders at the lack of anxiety gripping at his nerves, the way they normally do when he's caught off guard. Instead there's only the soft flutter of butterflies caught in his chest that feel light and bright, like the sun and Baekhyun’s smile. They talk about everything, and nothing at all. When Junmyeon insists on dropping the formalities, Baekhyun shines. Everything is easy and light between them, like that night in the park, and Junmyeon feels happy.
“So, what brings you out here all by yourself?” Baekhyun asks.
The question takes Junmyeon aback for a moment. It’s not on purpose, but neither of them have been very forthcoming with personal questions. Part of him likes it better this way. Baekhyun doesn’t push to know him in the conventional way, and it puts him at ease. He doesn’t have to hide behind pleasantries and propriety, because there’s no fear of disappointing Baekhyun, of driving him away. Junmyeon’s shoulders feel light without the weight of insecurity dragging them down.
“Don’t laugh,” Junmyeon warns.
Baekhyun arranges his face seriously, nods once before tracing an ‘X’ over his heart with a long, thin finger. “You have my word.”
He leans in a bit closer, “I used to garden with my aunt. The flowers remind me of her.” He can feel the heat climbing up his neck when he straightens back up.
Sunlight glints off Baekhyun’s irises. Junmyeon wonders if he was close enough, could he see flecks of amber, warm and gold like honey. “Why would I ever laugh at that?” Baekhyun looks genuinely perplexed, eyebrows knitted together, forming little wrinkles in between his eyebrows.
Junmyeon doesn’t quite know the answer himself, just knows that he’s always been too afraid to admit it to anybody else before. In the past, just the thought of mentioning it aloud made his skin crawl, like there was an itch just beneath the surface. Like he would do anything to wriggle and escape out of his own body. It was something just for his heart to know. A secret to share with someone he knows won’t walk away from him. But Baekhyun makes these secrets tumble from him without thought or preamble, a thread of confidence that glimmers quietly inside of him.
“I’m not sure,” Junmyeon admits, rubbing at the back of his neck a little. “It’s just that I’ve never told anyone that before.”
The serious expression is wiped away as Baekhyun throws his head back and laughs, “You’re kinda weird.” But then his hands is in Junmyeon’s and he’s pulling him towards a stall full of gerber daisies. “I like it.”
Something settles in Junmyeon’s stomach, a sigh of relief that puts his whole body at ease. Baekhyun rests his head on his shoulder, and asks, “Is she gone? Your aunt I mean?” A beat of silence passes between them as they look over the flowers together. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” Baekhyun amends.
“No, it’s okay,” Junmyeon inspects a bunch of yellow daisies. “She passed away before I left for university. We were very close.”
Baekhyun squeezes his hand, “I’m so sorry.”
"Isn't it strange how we apologize when someone's gone? It's not anyone's fault. At least not most of the time. It's just...life." Junmyeon picks up a bouquet, satisfied. "But thank you," he adds softly and smiles at Baekhyun.
"Those are beautiful," Baekhyun gestures to the bouquet. Then he grins, eyes twinkling mischievously. "So Mr. Florist Man how much do you charge for a custom order?"
"For you?" Junmyeon laughs, "I'll do it for free."
As Baekhyun woops in triumph, Junmyeon feels hazy and warm and light.
3 Weeks Later
It’s slowly become a game for him now, to go out into the world and wonder if this will be the next time he runs into Baekhyun. There’s something akin to a fairytale about their relationship, the way Baekhyun magically appears and disappears. Like a sprite or woodland nymph, come to whisk Junmyeon away from his life of self imposed restrictions. An oasis in the middle of the desert.
Jongdae thinks he's being silly and can't understand how he wouldn't want to see Baekhyun on a more normal basis. “Stop being such a weirdo and ask him out on a date. Like a normal person would!” were his exact words if Junmyeon remembers correctly. He thinks that Jongdae can't possibly understand, to know what it's like to go through life without a layer of impossible charm drawing people in. His non-relationship with Baekhyun feels safer this way, with no room for disappointment and heartache.
Yet, he’s still caught off guard a few weeks laters when he sees Baekhyun walking alone into the ice cream shop a few steps ahead of himself. He debates for a moment on whether or not to say anything. But before he can make a decision either way, Baekhyun spots him and nearly yelps in surprise
"Fancy seeing you here," Baekhyun smirks and throws an arm around Junmyeon's shoulder.
"A very happy accident," Junmyeon agrees.
Baekhyun pats his shoulder, "How about this time it's my treat?"
All Junmyeon can do is smile and nod in agreement, as they walk up to the counter to order. Falling back into their usual banter is easy as they walk towards the outside tables, hands full with ice cream.
“Well you know what they say,” Baekhyun says around a lick of his ice cream cone. A drop of strawberry flavor clings to his upper lip. “Third time’s a charm.”
Confusion washes over Junmyeon for a moment. “Hmmm?”
“Listen, I’m just gonna lay it all out. I like you...a lot. And I kind of want to take you out on a real date,” Baekhyun bites the top off of his cone. “Plus you're really cute.”
Junmyeon stops mid-bite, the plastic spoon filled with his favorite apple flavor still hovering in the air. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Baekhyun contemplates him for a moment, with that stare that Junmyeon swears can see right through him. “What are you so afraid of?”
Junmyeon doesn’t know. Can’t find the answer to why he’s so adamant about running away from this beautiful boy, with his square smile and open heart.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
Baekhyun contemplates him for a moment. “I like you, and I’m pretty much positive you like me too.” He gestures to himself, “I mean look at me, how could you not?” It sound so much like something Jongdae would say that Junmyeon can’t help laughing, even if it comes out more like a strangled gurgle. Baekhyun’s face softens, “But you’re afraid, and I just can’t figure out why.”
“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon hates the crack in his voice, the way his throat tightens up. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s going to cry. Maybe he doesn’t know much of anything anymore. Maybe he never did at all.
Sitting across from him, Baekhyun doesn’t look angry, doesn’t push. Just a slight downward droop of his eyes betrays his sadness and his disappointment. Bile rises in Junmyeon’s throat. Disappointment drives people away, makes them leave. Then he remembers that Baekhyun was never meant to stay to begin with.
For a second, Baekhyun really looks at Junmyeon, studies the planes of his face. Then just as suddenly he's scribbling on a napkin. "Here's my number," he says and slides the napkin to Junmyeon. "Whenever you're ready, give me a call."
"Okay," is all Junmyeon can manage to get out. He fingers the napkin and doesn't look up at Baekhyun.
The sound of metal scraping on concrete finally gets Junmyeon to look back up. “I’m not mad or anything. I just thought you needed to know how I really felt.” His square smile is a little lopsided, and a drip of ice cream falls across his knuckles. “But I am gonna go now. Before it gets awkward. I’ll see you around.”
Then Baekhyun is walking down the street, slurping loudly, before he disappears from Junmyeon’s sight completely.
An hour goes by before Junmyeon can do anything, his ice cream melted and the sky turning pink as the sun sets. The napkin with Baekhyun’s number is still stuck on the table in front of him, taunting him as the corner ripples in the wind. So he stuffs it in his pocket, stands up from the table, and methodically cleans up his mess.
Once his melted ice cream has been thrown in the trash and the table cleared of any spills, Junmyeon walks. He walks aimlessly down the street, in the same direction Baekhyun had, his head too busy swirling with thoughts to pay much attention. But once he stops, takes a second to get his bearings, he realizes he’s walked to the park. Right into the same park from the night they met.
It’s nearly deserted, most of the families heading back to their homes as the air turns cold. Junmyeon wraps his cardigan closer around him, and walks towards the swingset. He sits and starts to pump his legs up and down, desperate to chase out the feeling of restless. After a few minutes his legs start to burn from the effort, quieting the hum of his brain enough to try and make sense of it all.
He’s is afraid. Alone in the impending twilight, he can’t be anything other than honest with himself. He’s afraid. He’s afraid of letting Baekhyun get too close, because then he might have the power to hurt him. They might have the power to hurt each other. Junmyeon knows how to handle heartache built on the cusp of what might have been, a half hurt that stings but doesn’t devastate. Falling in love, opening your heart to that level of pain, is uncharted territory. It scares him. It scares him in a way nothing else ever has.
Because Baekhyun is already too close. He knows Junmyeon, really knows him, in a way that no one else has ever managed. He doesn’t let people get close, too busy putting all the attention on them and deflecting from himself. Things are starting to make more sense, now. It’s never really been a question of him being enough for someone else, but rather him deciding for himself that he can be enough. People can’t hold onto someone if they don’t know them. Then again, letting someone climb that wall and fall into him, takes courage Junmyeon isn’t sure he has.
But then other thoughts flash through Junmyeon’s mind. Baekhyun warm against his chest, Baekhyun smiling in the sun, Baekhyun laughing and teasing and kissing. Talking for hours about everything and nothing at all. Long stretches of comfortable silence. These are all things he wants, deep in his bones. And he wants them with Baekhyun. Suddenly everything is so simple.
He pulls the napkin from his pocket and types out a text message: I think I’m ready. At the park from the first night. Meet me? Closing his eyes, he presses send, a rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. Even though it feels like forever, only a minute passes by before his phone vibrates in response.
I’ll be there in 15. Don’t move!
Junmyeon glances up at the sky, and the first glimpse of stars. He doesn’t plan on moving an inch.
They talk for hours, sitting in the park, with a cache of snacks between them.
Baekhyun tells him about his job at the veterinarian office. How he loves animals, and wants to heal them. The extra hours devoted to school are worth it when he thinks of how many furry lives he can change. He tells Junmyeon funny stories about his roommate Tao: the high-maintenance love for tacky designer fashion, crying whenever he sees an insect, a deep shared love of animals. He gets a little misty eyed when he talks about his grandmother who lives in the mountains, and how she taught him to fish in the lakes and run free on the grass. Who he never gets to see enough and loves very, very much.
In return, Junmyeon tells Baekhyun about himself. His job at the non-profit company his parents railed against at first. Jongdae, his best friend from college whose charming and fun, and has always been on Junmeyon’s side. His aunt who loved him, no strings attached, and then left a gaping hole in his heart. How sometimes he so afraid of being alone that he pushes everyone away by keeping them too close.
Baekhyun holds his hand and listens, really listens, in a way that makes Junmyeon feel like he’s being heard for the first time.
“Is that why you were keeping me at arm's length? Because you didn’t want to scare me away or something?” Baekhyun asks.
Junmyeon chews on his bottom lip. “I think so? But then I realized something.”
“What?”
“You’ve made me feel braver than anybody else. How could I walk away from that?”
It’s so much like the first night they met, but Junmyeon feels different this time. Open and transparent, maybe a little bit raw...the hazy dream lifted to reveal reality and nothing else. He thought it would ruin the fragile, magical world they had created. In some ways it did. But the cage never slammed down, to trap him in the confines of his own insecurity.
Everything is so easy between them now, and Junmyeon thinks it’s funny how they did things in reverse. They already know each other, at least all the important parts of each other. The rest is just formalities.
When Baekhyun leans over and kisses him, soft and slow and sweet, Junmyeon never knew he could be so happy.
3 Months Later
“Hyung! What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asks, looking up from the paperwork he’s rifling through.
Junmyeon bites his lip. “I came to take you out for lunch. But if you’re busy…” The uncertainty comes back sometimes, the fear of doing something wrong, of driving someone away. But Baekhyun always smiles, says just the right words to make Junmyeon understand. I’m here and I’m staying and I’m not going to run away from you.
“Don’t be silly, of course I have time for lunch!” Baekhyun grabs his tie, pulls him closer, and kisses him with just enough slip of the tongue to make it slightly inappropriate for the workplace. He thinks he hears someone snort appreciatively when Baekhyun pulls away. “Especially when you’re paying.”
Junmyeon laughs. “You’re kind of a brat.” But Baekhyun just sighs and pinches his side a bit, as they walk out of the clinic together, hand in hand.
“You look very handsome today,” Baekhyun compliments once they’re out of the shadow of the building. “I like that tie.”
“Well, I love you.”
And Junmyeon does love Baekhyun, loves everything about him. He’s been afraid to say the words, like saying them outloud makes them more real, but like is too short. Life's too short and not nearly long enough to keep such a big, scary, wonderful feeling hidden away in his heart. He’s not scared, not anymore, not really. Baekhyun makes him brave.
“I love you, too.”
Baekhyun is looking at him, soft and fond, before he kisses him, hands trailing up and down his back. Junmyeon can feel Baekhyun’s breath, hot on his ear. “Baby got back,” he whispers, grabbing a handful of Junmyeon’s butt and squeezing. Shocked, he starts laughing, and Baekhyun runs away, the sunlight dappling through the leaves of the trees.
On a late summer afternoon, Junmyeon runs too.