SH 2013: for jooniee
For: jooniee
From: Your Secret Santa
Fandom: EXO
Title: Spitting Fire
Rating: PG-13-R
Pairing(s)/Focus: Suho/D.O, past Suho/Chen
Length: 4,420 words
Summary: Joonmyun gives Kyungsoo everything, but everything isn't what Kyungsoo wants.
Warnings: None
Notes: Many thanks to E & E for holding my hands through the last 24 hours of this fic, and to my recipient, for giving me such a great prompt to work with!! I hope you enjoy, and have a happy suholiday!!!
"Kyungsoo-"
"No."
"Please?"
"Absolutely not."
"But-"
"Joonmyun." Kyungsoo turns around from where he is wiping the kitchen counter, and Joonmyun withers under his glare. "We are not going to see your ex-boyfriend about our sex life, and that is final."
Joonmyun drags a hand over his eyes. He feels a migraine coming on. "Kyungsoo, we dated in college. And that's not the point, the point is that he's the best sex counselor in Seoul and he can help us-"
Kyungsoo's forehead creases. He puts the dishes from dinner away in the dishwasher. "We don't need help. And I'm not going."
Joonmyun sighs heavily. Kyungsoo's stubbornness was endearing most of the time. At this particular moment, however, Joonmyun wishes he weren't so prideful.
The problems started about six months ago when they moved into Joonmyun's brother's old apartment, and suddenly Kyungsoo was not as into the sex as he used to be. Joonmyun used to think it was his fault, had gone out of his way to try and remedy it. They had tried planning sex, they tried spontaneous sex, they tried having sex in the shower or in the living room. It'd always work for a little bit, but then become apparent that Kyungsoo was uncomfortable or that Joonmyun was feeling guilty, and then they'd stop.
Five months of unwound sexual tension had looped heavy coils around the apartment. Joonmyun knew Kyungsoo touched himself, but not very much. Jacking off was the only way Joonmyun had been getting for the past four month, and no sex seemed more and more the sad reality that they had to face.
Joonmyun had dated Kim Jongdae in college about five years ago, when he'd been a lot more daring and experimental. They had been together for a year and a half before the two of them realized that they lived very different lifestyles. Joonmyun still remembers the day that they decided to break up, remembers that dumb disjointed feeling of discontent. They had parted on neutral terms, but going from a two year relationship to nothing took more of a toll on Joonmyun that he expected.
Kyungsoo sits in the chair across from him, and Joonmyun looks up pleadingly.
"Please," he says, taking his hand and stroking it. "I want this to work. I don't like seeing you unhappy."
Kyungsoo is chewing on the inside of his cheek, the way he does when he's nervous. "You really won't go see anyone else, will you?"
Joonmyun's face floods with head. "I trust Jongdae. I want to fix whatever is going on between us. Let's just try it once and if you don't like it we don't have to go again."
It takes about ten seconds for Joonmyun to realize that Kyungsoo is squeezing his hand and smiling at him. It's a tired smile, but it's genuine, and it's something Joonmyun hasn't seen on his face for a long time.
"Okay. Let's try it."
"Well well well Joonmyun, it's been quite a while."
It's all Joonmyun can do to stop Kyungsoo from physically getting up and leaving the room. Jongdae takes a seat from across them, beaming wide at them behind too-big glasses. He's still handsome, Joonmyun notes absently, but Jongdae is a part of the life that he'd already put behind him. Joonmyun squeezes Kyungsoo's hand.
"So," Jongdae says, positioning himself with a clipboard. "Mind telling me what's the problem?"
Joonmyun bites his lip and glances to the side. Kyungsoo frowns and looks down at his knees. Joonmyun sighs again. "Well…. I guess it used to be normal? Like… everything would work fine and stuff…."
As Jongdae's smirk becomes more and more prominent Joonmyun can sense Kyungsoo's growing unease.
"I mean," he continues. "After we moved into the new apartment it just got….. harder I guess? Kyungsoo-he like-um-"
"What Joonmyun's trying to say," Kyungsoo interjects dryly. "is that I'm getting boring."
Jongdae makes a surprised noise, and Joonmyun nearly falls out of his seat. "That is not what I'm trying to say-I'm actually more concerned that I'm getting boring-Kyungsoo doesn't look like he's enjoying himself as much…"
Jongdae smirks and makes a small note on his clipboard. "Tell me what positions you've tried."
Kyungsoo's lips press into a thin line before grunting and looking away.
Joonmyun flushes. "W-we've tried a lot of them. Just the standard, you know-missionary, from behind, from the bottom-"
"Do you still top?"
"Excuse me?"
Jongdae's grin gets wider. "Well, I mean, from college you certainly topped most of the time…. is that still the case?"
Joonmyun flushes even darker. "For the most part."
"Hmmm." Jongdae rests a gaze on Kyungsoo, who stares back at him defiantly. "You don't wanna try topping?"
Kyungsoo's frown deepens, cheeks coloring ever so slightly. "I've tried, but-"
"You prefer when Joonmyun does it, I see," Jongdae finishes blithely. "You don't look like much of a top, anyway."
Joonmyun feels Kyungsoo stiffen next to him and he turns to glare at Jongdae. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Jongdae looks at him coolly. "I'm not surprised, Joonmyun, you've always gone for the cute, docile-looking types."
Joonmyun has to grit his teeth. "Kyungsoo isn't-
"When was the last time you had good sex, Joonmyun?" Jongdae's smirk is gone from his face. "Be specific."
"I-I don't remember-"
"Jesus christ, Joonmyun." Joonmyun had expected the outburst to come from the sex counselor, but it comes from his boyfriend. Kyungsoo's lips are a tight, thin line-the way he looks when he's about to cry. "It was five months ago. July."
"You-" Joonmyun blinks at him. "You remember?"
"Of course I remember," Kyungsoo snaps. Jongdae looks nonplussed. "I'm not as emotionally unavailable as you make me to be."
"I never said-Kyungsoo, wait, where are you going?"
"I'm leaving. I didn't come here to be underhandedly insulted, Joonmyun. You go ahead and finish your…. session or whatever. I'll see you at home."
"Kyungsoo, wait-"
Jongdae frowns over the edge of his clipboard. "Hold on, Joonmyun. Sit down. He's right, you need to finish your session."
Joonmyun turns around, glaring. "Are you serious right now, Jongdae? He's my boyfriend, I need to go comfort him."
Jongdae raises an eyebrow. "How do you know he needs comforting?"
Joonmyun blinks dumbly at him. "He's-he's hurt…"
"He's pissed off, Joonmyun, not wounded."
"Is that not the same thing?"
Jongdae takes off his glasses and rubs his temples. "God, you even more dense than when I dated you."
"Jongdae, please, enough of the riddles. You know I hate that," he says, exasperated.
"Christ, Joonmyun." Jongdae leans forward, smug expression entirely gone. "Okay, this is going off the record. Look, I know how much you like being in charge from first hand experience, okay? I get it. It works with some people. It worked, to some extent, with me. But I don't think it's working with Kyungsoo."
Joonmyun shifts uncomfortably. "What am I supposed to do then? Just… back off?
"Well…. that's a start."
"But, then we'd never get anywhere! Kyungsoo never comes to me for anything, he just-always shuts it all away. I always end up having to force it out of him…"
"But do you really?" Jongdae asks him seriously. "Joonmyun, think about it. Is Kyungsoo required to tell you everything?"
"I-isn't that what a relationship is? Being honest with each other? I'm always open with him, I don't understand-"
"Joonmyun, honesty is a big part of a relationship, but you've got to understand that there are some things that Kyungsoo may never tell you. Give him some space and he'll come to you if he needs you."
Joonmyun hugs his elbows, biting his lip. "But what if he never does? I just want to help him, Jongdae…. I don't know what else I can do for him…"
"For christ's sake Joonmyun," Jongdae snaps. "Kyungsoo is a grown man, not a child. Stop babying him-maybe that's what's making him so upset."
Joonmyun scowls. "I don't…. baby Kyungsoo…."
Jongdae levels an even stare at him. "Sure, you just want to take care of him and fix all his problems?"
Joonmyun glares at him. "You know, I'm beginning to think that Kyungsoo's right. I didn't come here for you to belittle me."
"I didn't get my reputation by sugar-coating things, Joonmyun," Jongdae says coolly. "Either you go home and continue to smother him and wonder why nothing's getting better, or you let him feel like he has some semblance of control in his life without having to worry about you treating him like a damsel in distress."
There's a long stretch of silence in which Joonmyun stands, biting his lip. "So you just… want me to back off completely."
"Not completely, it'll throw him off. But just-ease up, Joonmyun. He's a man, not a glass doll."
"I-jesus christ-okay. I'll…. give it a shot."
"It'll work, Joonmyun. Have some faith in me."
"How do I know you're not trying to sabotage our relationship or anything? Considering that-you know-we have history…"
Jongdae smirks, and straightens the papers on his desk. "I'm not interested in pushing you and your prince of darkness apart, Joonmyun, don't worry. I have my own sexually fulfilling relationship to occupy my time."
Joonmyun snorts. "I should have figured. I'll… be going then. Oh, and-Jongdae?"
"Hm?"
"…. Thanks."
Jongdae chortles. "That's Dr. Kim to you."
Kyungsoo's cleaning when Joonmyun gets back. This is not unusual, he notes. Kyungsoo tends to throw himself into cleaning whenever he's upset. Joonmyun will usually try to coax him from whatever he's doing in favor of talking about it but-Jongdae's words ring clear in his head-Joonmyun bites his lip.
He walks up to where his boyfriend is scrubbing the same spot of counter over and over again, clearing his throat to let him know he's there. "Hey."
Kyungsoo ignores him and keeps scrubbing. Joonmyun frowns, stopping himself from letting loose the questions building up in his throat-if he's okay, if he wants to talk about it, if Kyungsoo's mad at him-and stuffs his hands into his pockets. "Um, Dr. Kim wanted me to send his apologies. He had no intention to offend you."
More scrubbing, then, "Sure seemed like he did, but okay."
Joonmyun flounders. He wants to try Jongdae's advice, but it's so exceedingly hard when the tension is practically palpable in the air. He'll back off if truly that's what Kyungsoo needs, but-
Joonmyun lays a hesitant hand on Kyungsoo's arm before leaning him to press careful lips to his cheeks. Kyungsoo stops scrubbing and Joonmyun pulls away, hoping he hadn't crossed another boundary.
"I'll just be… in the room," he mumbles, and Kyungsoo finally turns to look at him. His face is still impassive but there's a quizzical gleam in his eyes.
"Okay."
Once he's in the safety of their bedroom, Joonmyun paces furiously with a toothbrush in his mouth, the urge to talk it out driving him up the wall. He glares at his reflection in the mirror of the adjoining bathroom and brushes his teeth so hard he spits red into the sink-because if he can't fix this then at least he can have good fucking dental hygiene.
Kyungsoo comes in ten minutes later when he's washing his face and there's a hand on his shoulder-just a touch, nothing more-and then it's gone. Joonmyun blinks at him through the water dripping down his face. "Did you… did you finish cleaning?"
Kyungsoo gives him a wry smile. "Yeah, I finished cleaning."
And Joonmyun has to force himself not to follow him into the shower to pelt him with questions. He lies in their bed, listening to the running water of the shower, the sound of Kyungsoo blow-drying his hair, brushing his teeth.
The other side of the bed dips in an hour later when Kyungsoo crawls under the blankets and Joonmyun falls into an uneasy sleep, longing to touch him.
It's Kyungsoo's soft snoring that wakes him up, and then the tickle of his hair against his cheek. Joonmyun blinks his eyes open, confused and sleepy, and then it hits him.
Kyungsoo's head is tucked into Joonmyun's collarbone, arm strewn across his stomach, and-did…. Jongdae's advice actually work? Joonmyun doesn't want to shatter this moment, but he can't help the way his body curls around him. Kyungsoo shifts in his arms with a small sound.
"Joonmyun?"
"Shit-go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you-"
"I'm sorry."
"…. What?"
And then Kyungsoo's sitting up, sheets pooling around his waist. "I know you were just trying to help, and I'm sorry I walked out."
Joonmyun wants to tell him no, don't be sorry, if anyone had to apologize it was him for putting him through that, but he doesn't. So Joonmyun smiles feebly at him and says, "It's not your fault," and stops there before he says anything stupid, watching Kyungsoo get up to make breakfast.
He sighs. This was going to be a long week.
"You've been acting weird," Kyungsoo tells him over dinner one night, and Joonmyun looks up.
"Have I?"
Kyungsoo studies him, eyes narrowed and cheeks hollowed around the spoon in his mouth. He's so fucking beautiful, he thinks desperately, and Joonmyun wants so badly to tell him that. But he keeps his mouth shut because he doesn't want to mess it up, not now.
They put the dishes away in an awkward silence, questions and uncertainty thrumming through Joonmyun's body.
"Joonmyun."
He whirls around, and Kyungsoo is staring at him, eyebrows furrowed and color high on his cheeks. "Yeah?"
"You're not-" Kyungsoo chews on his lips, still staring at him with that weird look in his eyes. "You're not cheating on me are, are you?"
Joonmyun nearly chokes on his own tongue. "What? Kyungsoo, no, never-what even gave you that idea??" He's reaching for Kyungsoo out of habit, but Kyungsoo flinches away.
"You've been acting different. You-I don't know what happened after I walked out Maybe you came to some fucking epiphany that I'm too boring for you after all."
"Kyungsoo-" Joonmyun runs agitated hands through his hair. "How could you even say that? I love you, I would never cheat on you-"
Kyungsoo's not looking at him, and Joonmyun tries to take ahold of his hands only to have them slapped away.
"You don't look at me in the eye anymore," he hisses, giving Joonmyun a good hard push in his sternum. "You don't talk to me anymore, you-you're just different, Joonmyun, I don't know what the fuck's going on. What changed? Why are you so distant now??"
"I don't want to be, Kyungsoo," Joonmyun pleads, trying in vain to catch one of Kyungsoo's hands. "All I want to do is kiss you and hold you and just touch you, I don't like it, I just-"
"Just what?" Kyungsoo shoves him hard in the chest this time, and Joonmyun has to bite back a whimper when his back collides hard with the counter. "What, Joonmyun? Give me a fucking excuse, I dare you."
Joonmyun looks up desperately. "I didn't know what else to do, Kyungsoo. I tried giving you everything, but it seems like the only thing you wanted was space, so I tried-I tried to give you that." He exhales shakily. There's a lump at the back of his throat that's threatening to dissolve with every breath he takes, and Kyungsoo's still looking at him like he's a strange and it's fucking terrifying. "It's hard, Kyungsoo. I love you, only you. I would never, ever cheat on you."
Kyungsoo's eyes narrow, lower lip drawing between his teeth, and shoves him again. Joonmyun does whimper this time, but it's not from the pain.
"Please," he begs, ducking under Kyungsoo's pushing. "Don't-"
"You're stupid," Kyungsoo seethes, and his hands are balled tight in Joonmyun's shirt. "You're a fucking idiot."
"I love you," Joonmyun says dumbly, because it's his last line of defense and he doesn't know what else to say. Kyungsoo lets out a frustrated cry, and before Joonmyun knows what's happening, Kyungsoo yanks down hard on his collar and kisses him hard.
Joonmyun makes a shocked noise into his mouth, hands flying up to curl around Kyungsoo's shoulders and push him back, but Kyungsoo only slips his tongue into his mouth and grips his hair so tightly Joonmyun's eyes start to water.
"Kyungsoo," he whispers, and his throat feels so, so tight, because half of him doesn't want to believe that this is happening. That Kyungsoo's arms are around his neck, that he's kissing him. After all this time, after five months of trying and living with the constant fear that Kyungsoo will one day walk out on him-here they are pressed together against the kitchen counter like it's two years ago and everything is wet and hot and messy-part of him wants to believe that it's not real.
But Kyungsoo's cock pressing half-hard into Joonmyun's thigh, Kyungsoo's teeth nipping at his lip, his fingers tight in Joonmyun's hair-that's real, that's now, and it's all Joonmyun can do to keep his legs from giving out beneath him.
"Kyungsoo," he says again, and winces when Kyungsoo pulls back to stare, determined and piercing and relentless, into his eyes.
"Joonmyun," Kyungsoo says, and his voice is gentle but his eyes are sharp. "Don't-don't make this difficult. Just-shut up for twenty minutes okay? Just-let me….."
"I-" But Kyungsoo's already pulling at his wrists and for once in his life Joonmyun lets go.
He's used to pampering him, to treating Kyungsoo the way Joonmyun's always wanted him to see himself-as someone far more beautiful and talented than he deserves, someone who could have walked out on Joonmyun months but didn't. Joonmyun has no idea why Kyungsoo stayed and he wants to show him that he's grateful, but that's not what this is.
This-Kyungsoo pushing him down on their bed and straddling him, Kyungsoo looking pissed off and sexy and like he doesn't give a fuck-this is is different. Yet even as he lowers himself down on Joonmyun's cock, Joonmyun finds himself whispering, "Wait-careful," before biting back a groan when Kyungsoo ignores him completely and seats himself in one motion.
"I'm not gonna break, Joonmyun-" he bites out, and Joonmyun's nodding dumbly, gripping tight to Kyungsoo's hips and letting go of everything else.
He's not sure what this is-a car crash, maybe, a burning plane falling through the sky. Maybe this is what dying feels like, or maybe this is being reborn. This is Kyungsoo's hands on his chest as he rocks up and down, the pink creeping up his cheeks, the glassy gleam in his eyes that tells Joonmyun that Kyungsoo is close.
Joonmyun doesn't last very long. It's been far too long since he's had any form of sexual contact that wasn't his own hand, and can't even bring himself to be embarrassed when his hips snap up with release, muffling a moan into the back of his hand. But it's okay because Kyungsoo follows him moments later, head and shoulders dropping down with a low gasp as his thighs tense around Joonmyun's waist and he spills white onto his stomach.
They only stay like that for a few moments before Kyungsoo rolls off with a wince and curls into his ribcage. "Wow."
Joonmyun is still trying to process what just happened. His brain feels like it's filled with cotton, aftershocks still dancing along his skin like live wires. "Yeah," he agrees, dazed. "Wow."
Kyungsoo snorts and presses in close, arms and legs going around him. "See, we didn't need that stupid Dr. Kim Jongdae or whatever. The bastard's just scamming people."
"Yeah," Joonmyun says faintly. He's pretty sure he could sleep for a thousand years like this, Kyungsoo happy and boneless in his arms, and hugs him tight. "You're right."
"I can be right sometimes," Kyungsoo sighs. He sounds exhausted. "You just have to let me be right."
And again, let me. Joonmyun buries his nose in Kyungsoo's hair, knowing he still owes him way more than one round of good sex, but Kyungsoo isn't pulling away, and that's already way more than Joonmyun can ask for. They still have a long way to go-he still has a long way to go.
But this-this is a start.
Jongdae lets himself into his office Monday morning, humming some indistinct tune as he straightens up his desk.
He's drinking coffee when his assistant knocks on the door.
"Come in," he says idly, sipping loudly from his mug, and Sehun lets himself in, holding an envelope in his hands and looking confused.
"This was left for you, Dr. Kim," he says slowly. "I'm not sure who it's from."
Jongdae frowns, taking the envelope. Opening it, he finds a $100 gift card to an expensive restaurant in Sinsa and a handwritten note.
You're still an asshole, Joonmyun had scribbled furiously, and a huge grin spreads across Jongdae's face.
"Doctor?"
Jongdae just leans back and laughs.
From: Your Secret Santa
Fandom: EXO
Title: Spitting Fire
Rating: PG-13-R
Pairing(s)/Focus: Suho/D.O, past Suho/Chen
Length: 4,420 words
Summary: Joonmyun gives Kyungsoo everything, but everything isn't what Kyungsoo wants.
Warnings: None
Notes: Many thanks to E & E for holding my hands through the last 24 hours of this fic, and to my recipient, for giving me such a great prompt to work with!! I hope you enjoy, and have a happy suholiday!!!
"Kyungsoo-"
"No."
"Please?"
"Absolutely not."
"But-"
"Joonmyun." Kyungsoo turns around from where he is wiping the kitchen counter, and Joonmyun withers under his glare. "We are not going to see your ex-boyfriend about our sex life, and that is final."
Joonmyun drags a hand over his eyes. He feels a migraine coming on. "Kyungsoo, we dated in college. And that's not the point, the point is that he's the best sex counselor in Seoul and he can help us-"
Kyungsoo's forehead creases. He puts the dishes from dinner away in the dishwasher. "We don't need help. And I'm not going."
Joonmyun sighs heavily. Kyungsoo's stubbornness was endearing most of the time. At this particular moment, however, Joonmyun wishes he weren't so prideful.
The problems started about six months ago when they moved into Joonmyun's brother's old apartment, and suddenly Kyungsoo was not as into the sex as he used to be. Joonmyun used to think it was his fault, had gone out of his way to try and remedy it. They had tried planning sex, they tried spontaneous sex, they tried having sex in the shower or in the living room. It'd always work for a little bit, but then become apparent that Kyungsoo was uncomfortable or that Joonmyun was feeling guilty, and then they'd stop.
Five months of unwound sexual tension had looped heavy coils around the apartment. Joonmyun knew Kyungsoo touched himself, but not very much. Jacking off was the only way Joonmyun had been getting for the past four month, and no sex seemed more and more the sad reality that they had to face.
Joonmyun had dated Kim Jongdae in college about five years ago, when he'd been a lot more daring and experimental. They had been together for a year and a half before the two of them realized that they lived very different lifestyles. Joonmyun still remembers the day that they decided to break up, remembers that dumb disjointed feeling of discontent. They had parted on neutral terms, but going from a two year relationship to nothing took more of a toll on Joonmyun that he expected.
Kyungsoo sits in the chair across from him, and Joonmyun looks up pleadingly.
"Please," he says, taking his hand and stroking it. "I want this to work. I don't like seeing you unhappy."
Kyungsoo is chewing on the inside of his cheek, the way he does when he's nervous. "You really won't go see anyone else, will you?"
Joonmyun's face floods with head. "I trust Jongdae. I want to fix whatever is going on between us. Let's just try it once and if you don't like it we don't have to go again."
It takes about ten seconds for Joonmyun to realize that Kyungsoo is squeezing his hand and smiling at him. It's a tired smile, but it's genuine, and it's something Joonmyun hasn't seen on his face for a long time.
"Okay. Let's try it."
"Well well well Joonmyun, it's been quite a while."
It's all Joonmyun can do to stop Kyungsoo from physically getting up and leaving the room. Jongdae takes a seat from across them, beaming wide at them behind too-big glasses. He's still handsome, Joonmyun notes absently, but Jongdae is a part of the life that he'd already put behind him. Joonmyun squeezes Kyungsoo's hand.
"So," Jongdae says, positioning himself with a clipboard. "Mind telling me what's the problem?"
Joonmyun bites his lip and glances to the side. Kyungsoo frowns and looks down at his knees. Joonmyun sighs again. "Well…. I guess it used to be normal? Like… everything would work fine and stuff…."
As Jongdae's smirk becomes more and more prominent Joonmyun can sense Kyungsoo's growing unease.
"I mean," he continues. "After we moved into the new apartment it just got….. harder I guess? Kyungsoo-he like-um-"
"What Joonmyun's trying to say," Kyungsoo interjects dryly. "is that I'm getting boring."
Jongdae makes a surprised noise, and Joonmyun nearly falls out of his seat. "That is not what I'm trying to say-I'm actually more concerned that I'm getting boring-Kyungsoo doesn't look like he's enjoying himself as much…"
Jongdae smirks and makes a small note on his clipboard. "Tell me what positions you've tried."
Kyungsoo's lips press into a thin line before grunting and looking away.
Joonmyun flushes. "W-we've tried a lot of them. Just the standard, you know-missionary, from behind, from the bottom-"
"Do you still top?"
"Excuse me?"
Jongdae's grin gets wider. "Well, I mean, from college you certainly topped most of the time…. is that still the case?"
Joonmyun flushes even darker. "For the most part."
"Hmmm." Jongdae rests a gaze on Kyungsoo, who stares back at him defiantly. "You don't wanna try topping?"
Kyungsoo's frown deepens, cheeks coloring ever so slightly. "I've tried, but-"
"You prefer when Joonmyun does it, I see," Jongdae finishes blithely. "You don't look like much of a top, anyway."
Joonmyun feels Kyungsoo stiffen next to him and he turns to glare at Jongdae. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Jongdae looks at him coolly. "I'm not surprised, Joonmyun, you've always gone for the cute, docile-looking types."
Joonmyun has to grit his teeth. "Kyungsoo isn't-
"When was the last time you had good sex, Joonmyun?" Jongdae's smirk is gone from his face. "Be specific."
"I-I don't remember-"
"Jesus christ, Joonmyun." Joonmyun had expected the outburst to come from the sex counselor, but it comes from his boyfriend. Kyungsoo's lips are a tight, thin line-the way he looks when he's about to cry. "It was five months ago. July."
"You-" Joonmyun blinks at him. "You remember?"
"Of course I remember," Kyungsoo snaps. Jongdae looks nonplussed. "I'm not as emotionally unavailable as you make me to be."
"I never said-Kyungsoo, wait, where are you going?"
"I'm leaving. I didn't come here to be underhandedly insulted, Joonmyun. You go ahead and finish your…. session or whatever. I'll see you at home."
"Kyungsoo, wait-"
Jongdae frowns over the edge of his clipboard. "Hold on, Joonmyun. Sit down. He's right, you need to finish your session."
Joonmyun turns around, glaring. "Are you serious right now, Jongdae? He's my boyfriend, I need to go comfort him."
Jongdae raises an eyebrow. "How do you know he needs comforting?"
Joonmyun blinks dumbly at him. "He's-he's hurt…"
"He's pissed off, Joonmyun, not wounded."
"Is that not the same thing?"
Jongdae takes off his glasses and rubs his temples. "God, you even more dense than when I dated you."
"Jongdae, please, enough of the riddles. You know I hate that," he says, exasperated.
"Christ, Joonmyun." Jongdae leans forward, smug expression entirely gone. "Okay, this is going off the record. Look, I know how much you like being in charge from first hand experience, okay? I get it. It works with some people. It worked, to some extent, with me. But I don't think it's working with Kyungsoo."
Joonmyun shifts uncomfortably. "What am I supposed to do then? Just… back off?
"Well…. that's a start."
"But, then we'd never get anywhere! Kyungsoo never comes to me for anything, he just-always shuts it all away. I always end up having to force it out of him…"
"But do you really?" Jongdae asks him seriously. "Joonmyun, think about it. Is Kyungsoo required to tell you everything?"
"I-isn't that what a relationship is? Being honest with each other? I'm always open with him, I don't understand-"
"Joonmyun, honesty is a big part of a relationship, but you've got to understand that there are some things that Kyungsoo may never tell you. Give him some space and he'll come to you if he needs you."
Joonmyun hugs his elbows, biting his lip. "But what if he never does? I just want to help him, Jongdae…. I don't know what else I can do for him…"
"For christ's sake Joonmyun," Jongdae snaps. "Kyungsoo is a grown man, not a child. Stop babying him-maybe that's what's making him so upset."
Joonmyun scowls. "I don't…. baby Kyungsoo…."
Jongdae levels an even stare at him. "Sure, you just want to take care of him and fix all his problems?"
Joonmyun glares at him. "You know, I'm beginning to think that Kyungsoo's right. I didn't come here for you to belittle me."
"I didn't get my reputation by sugar-coating things, Joonmyun," Jongdae says coolly. "Either you go home and continue to smother him and wonder why nothing's getting better, or you let him feel like he has some semblance of control in his life without having to worry about you treating him like a damsel in distress."
There's a long stretch of silence in which Joonmyun stands, biting his lip. "So you just… want me to back off completely."
"Not completely, it'll throw him off. But just-ease up, Joonmyun. He's a man, not a glass doll."
"I-jesus christ-okay. I'll…. give it a shot."
"It'll work, Joonmyun. Have some faith in me."
"How do I know you're not trying to sabotage our relationship or anything? Considering that-you know-we have history…"
Jongdae smirks, and straightens the papers on his desk. "I'm not interested in pushing you and your prince of darkness apart, Joonmyun, don't worry. I have my own sexually fulfilling relationship to occupy my time."
Joonmyun snorts. "I should have figured. I'll… be going then. Oh, and-Jongdae?"
"Hm?"
"…. Thanks."
Jongdae chortles. "That's Dr. Kim to you."
Kyungsoo's cleaning when Joonmyun gets back. This is not unusual, he notes. Kyungsoo tends to throw himself into cleaning whenever he's upset. Joonmyun will usually try to coax him from whatever he's doing in favor of talking about it but-Jongdae's words ring clear in his head-Joonmyun bites his lip.
He walks up to where his boyfriend is scrubbing the same spot of counter over and over again, clearing his throat to let him know he's there. "Hey."
Kyungsoo ignores him and keeps scrubbing. Joonmyun frowns, stopping himself from letting loose the questions building up in his throat-if he's okay, if he wants to talk about it, if Kyungsoo's mad at him-and stuffs his hands into his pockets. "Um, Dr. Kim wanted me to send his apologies. He had no intention to offend you."
More scrubbing, then, "Sure seemed like he did, but okay."
Joonmyun flounders. He wants to try Jongdae's advice, but it's so exceedingly hard when the tension is practically palpable in the air. He'll back off if truly that's what Kyungsoo needs, but-
Joonmyun lays a hesitant hand on Kyungsoo's arm before leaning him to press careful lips to his cheeks. Kyungsoo stops scrubbing and Joonmyun pulls away, hoping he hadn't crossed another boundary.
"I'll just be… in the room," he mumbles, and Kyungsoo finally turns to look at him. His face is still impassive but there's a quizzical gleam in his eyes.
"Okay."
Once he's in the safety of their bedroom, Joonmyun paces furiously with a toothbrush in his mouth, the urge to talk it out driving him up the wall. He glares at his reflection in the mirror of the adjoining bathroom and brushes his teeth so hard he spits red into the sink-because if he can't fix this then at least he can have good fucking dental hygiene.
Kyungsoo comes in ten minutes later when he's washing his face and there's a hand on his shoulder-just a touch, nothing more-and then it's gone. Joonmyun blinks at him through the water dripping down his face. "Did you… did you finish cleaning?"
Kyungsoo gives him a wry smile. "Yeah, I finished cleaning."
And Joonmyun has to force himself not to follow him into the shower to pelt him with questions. He lies in their bed, listening to the running water of the shower, the sound of Kyungsoo blow-drying his hair, brushing his teeth.
The other side of the bed dips in an hour later when Kyungsoo crawls under the blankets and Joonmyun falls into an uneasy sleep, longing to touch him.
It's Kyungsoo's soft snoring that wakes him up, and then the tickle of his hair against his cheek. Joonmyun blinks his eyes open, confused and sleepy, and then it hits him.
Kyungsoo's head is tucked into Joonmyun's collarbone, arm strewn across his stomach, and-did…. Jongdae's advice actually work? Joonmyun doesn't want to shatter this moment, but he can't help the way his body curls around him. Kyungsoo shifts in his arms with a small sound.
"Joonmyun?"
"Shit-go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you-"
"I'm sorry."
"…. What?"
And then Kyungsoo's sitting up, sheets pooling around his waist. "I know you were just trying to help, and I'm sorry I walked out."
Joonmyun wants to tell him no, don't be sorry, if anyone had to apologize it was him for putting him through that, but he doesn't. So Joonmyun smiles feebly at him and says, "It's not your fault," and stops there before he says anything stupid, watching Kyungsoo get up to make breakfast.
He sighs. This was going to be a long week.
"You've been acting weird," Kyungsoo tells him over dinner one night, and Joonmyun looks up.
"Have I?"
Kyungsoo studies him, eyes narrowed and cheeks hollowed around the spoon in his mouth. He's so fucking beautiful, he thinks desperately, and Joonmyun wants so badly to tell him that. But he keeps his mouth shut because he doesn't want to mess it up, not now.
They put the dishes away in an awkward silence, questions and uncertainty thrumming through Joonmyun's body.
"Joonmyun."
He whirls around, and Kyungsoo is staring at him, eyebrows furrowed and color high on his cheeks. "Yeah?"
"You're not-" Kyungsoo chews on his lips, still staring at him with that weird look in his eyes. "You're not cheating on me are, are you?"
Joonmyun nearly chokes on his own tongue. "What? Kyungsoo, no, never-what even gave you that idea??" He's reaching for Kyungsoo out of habit, but Kyungsoo flinches away.
"You've been acting different. You-I don't know what happened after I walked out Maybe you came to some fucking epiphany that I'm too boring for you after all."
"Kyungsoo-" Joonmyun runs agitated hands through his hair. "How could you even say that? I love you, I would never cheat on you-"
Kyungsoo's not looking at him, and Joonmyun tries to take ahold of his hands only to have them slapped away.
"You don't look at me in the eye anymore," he hisses, giving Joonmyun a good hard push in his sternum. "You don't talk to me anymore, you-you're just different, Joonmyun, I don't know what the fuck's going on. What changed? Why are you so distant now??"
"I don't want to be, Kyungsoo," Joonmyun pleads, trying in vain to catch one of Kyungsoo's hands. "All I want to do is kiss you and hold you and just touch you, I don't like it, I just-"
"Just what?" Kyungsoo shoves him hard in the chest this time, and Joonmyun has to bite back a whimper when his back collides hard with the counter. "What, Joonmyun? Give me a fucking excuse, I dare you."
Joonmyun looks up desperately. "I didn't know what else to do, Kyungsoo. I tried giving you everything, but it seems like the only thing you wanted was space, so I tried-I tried to give you that." He exhales shakily. There's a lump at the back of his throat that's threatening to dissolve with every breath he takes, and Kyungsoo's still looking at him like he's a strange and it's fucking terrifying. "It's hard, Kyungsoo. I love you, only you. I would never, ever cheat on you."
Kyungsoo's eyes narrow, lower lip drawing between his teeth, and shoves him again. Joonmyun does whimper this time, but it's not from the pain.
"Please," he begs, ducking under Kyungsoo's pushing. "Don't-"
"You're stupid," Kyungsoo seethes, and his hands are balled tight in Joonmyun's shirt. "You're a fucking idiot."
"I love you," Joonmyun says dumbly, because it's his last line of defense and he doesn't know what else to say. Kyungsoo lets out a frustrated cry, and before Joonmyun knows what's happening, Kyungsoo yanks down hard on his collar and kisses him hard.
Joonmyun makes a shocked noise into his mouth, hands flying up to curl around Kyungsoo's shoulders and push him back, but Kyungsoo only slips his tongue into his mouth and grips his hair so tightly Joonmyun's eyes start to water.
"Kyungsoo," he whispers, and his throat feels so, so tight, because half of him doesn't want to believe that this is happening. That Kyungsoo's arms are around his neck, that he's kissing him. After all this time, after five months of trying and living with the constant fear that Kyungsoo will one day walk out on him-here they are pressed together against the kitchen counter like it's two years ago and everything is wet and hot and messy-part of him wants to believe that it's not real.
But Kyungsoo's cock pressing half-hard into Joonmyun's thigh, Kyungsoo's teeth nipping at his lip, his fingers tight in Joonmyun's hair-that's real, that's now, and it's all Joonmyun can do to keep his legs from giving out beneath him.
"Kyungsoo," he says again, and winces when Kyungsoo pulls back to stare, determined and piercing and relentless, into his eyes.
"Joonmyun," Kyungsoo says, and his voice is gentle but his eyes are sharp. "Don't-don't make this difficult. Just-shut up for twenty minutes okay? Just-let me….."
"I-" But Kyungsoo's already pulling at his wrists and for once in his life Joonmyun lets go.
He's used to pampering him, to treating Kyungsoo the way Joonmyun's always wanted him to see himself-as someone far more beautiful and talented than he deserves, someone who could have walked out on Joonmyun months but didn't. Joonmyun has no idea why Kyungsoo stayed and he wants to show him that he's grateful, but that's not what this is.
This-Kyungsoo pushing him down on their bed and straddling him, Kyungsoo looking pissed off and sexy and like he doesn't give a fuck-this is is different. Yet even as he lowers himself down on Joonmyun's cock, Joonmyun finds himself whispering, "Wait-careful," before biting back a groan when Kyungsoo ignores him completely and seats himself in one motion.
"I'm not gonna break, Joonmyun-" he bites out, and Joonmyun's nodding dumbly, gripping tight to Kyungsoo's hips and letting go of everything else.
He's not sure what this is-a car crash, maybe, a burning plane falling through the sky. Maybe this is what dying feels like, or maybe this is being reborn. This is Kyungsoo's hands on his chest as he rocks up and down, the pink creeping up his cheeks, the glassy gleam in his eyes that tells Joonmyun that Kyungsoo is close.
Joonmyun doesn't last very long. It's been far too long since he's had any form of sexual contact that wasn't his own hand, and can't even bring himself to be embarrassed when his hips snap up with release, muffling a moan into the back of his hand. But it's okay because Kyungsoo follows him moments later, head and shoulders dropping down with a low gasp as his thighs tense around Joonmyun's waist and he spills white onto his stomach.
They only stay like that for a few moments before Kyungsoo rolls off with a wince and curls into his ribcage. "Wow."
Joonmyun is still trying to process what just happened. His brain feels like it's filled with cotton, aftershocks still dancing along his skin like live wires. "Yeah," he agrees, dazed. "Wow."
Kyungsoo snorts and presses in close, arms and legs going around him. "See, we didn't need that stupid Dr. Kim Jongdae or whatever. The bastard's just scamming people."
"Yeah," Joonmyun says faintly. He's pretty sure he could sleep for a thousand years like this, Kyungsoo happy and boneless in his arms, and hugs him tight. "You're right."
"I can be right sometimes," Kyungsoo sighs. He sounds exhausted. "You just have to let me be right."
And again, let me. Joonmyun buries his nose in Kyungsoo's hair, knowing he still owes him way more than one round of good sex, but Kyungsoo isn't pulling away, and that's already way more than Joonmyun can ask for. They still have a long way to go-he still has a long way to go.
But this-this is a start.
Jongdae lets himself into his office Monday morning, humming some indistinct tune as he straightens up his desk.
He's drinking coffee when his assistant knocks on the door.
"Come in," he says idly, sipping loudly from his mug, and Sehun lets himself in, holding an envelope in his hands and looking confused.
"This was left for you, Dr. Kim," he says slowly. "I'm not sure who it's from."
Jongdae frowns, taking the envelope. Opening it, he finds a $100 gift card to an expensive restaurant in Sinsa and a handwritten note.
You're still an asshole, Joonmyun had scribbled furiously, and a huge grin spreads across Jongdae's face.
"Doctor?"
Jongdae just leans back and laughs.