talk about emotional.
no one realizes how much i did not want to come back home to cali.
i loved it in fairbanks.
with the people i met.
i had more fun on friday and saturday night with krystal, joel and josh, than i have had in the longest time. i couldnt even remember the last time i had that much fun.
i actually drank.
i had genuine smiles.
i loved every minute of it.
they are the best people i know. and they live hella far away. its not fair.
i was hella emotional sat night and sunday morning.
i would have given anything to have stayed.
:(
i still feel that way.
its not fair.
the majority of people who i know here in cali wouldnt really care if i left. i mean shit, why would they, i dont even talk to them on a regular basis as it is.
krystal is one of the most amazing girls i know. i hate it that she lives so far. and even if i do move to fairbanks, she'll be gone by the time i do move there. as with the guys as well.
and the guys there. are hella amazing. at least the ones i've met.
and the majority of them are absolutly gorgeous. inside and out.
but alas, regardless of where you live in this world, looks are always going to be a part of attraction.
i can catch any guy with my personality. i've done it, but in the end its the physical attraction that counts.
believe me, i havent gone through so much self hate comments to myself, then i have this weekend. i was so frustrated. its like yea i can buy nice clothes to make me look good. but it doesnt, because fat people are so gross and sloppy looking. its not fair. and especially if you find something cute. but its like a billion sizes. and you know deep down that it would look SO amazing if you were a lot thinner. its not easy anymore. i cant cover my emotions anymore. i can never get what i want because of my fucking fatness.. and its not even my fucking fault. i didnt sign a contract saying i wanted to be this way, and by "this way" i dont mean fat, i mean having pcos. and having it fuck with everything in my life.
im fat, i have high blood pressure, i have high blood sugar, my cholesterol is fine (WTF im fat, it should be horrible), but i need to raise my good cholesterol.
im taking shit loads of pills every fucking day.
im over it. its not fair for a 22 year old to feel like you're like 80's and the only way to function and to live is on all these pills.
i dont want it to be my life anymore.
i want to be a happy 22 year old. that doesnt have to rely on pills to keep my heart from going crazy.
its stupid. because i have everything in the world going against me, and im still the one whos picky as fuck. i have a good idea as to what i want.
but i'll never be able to get it.
its me against the world. i realize that.
but so far, its the world that is winning.
im afraid thats what its going to be like.
and i cant do anything about it.
i have an idea as to what my perfect life would consist of.
no pills.
love.
education.
career.
fun.
i definately now have an idea of who the love of my life should be. personality/education/physically. im actually not that picky. just a normal smart guy. with ambition. and something going for him. i know a few of these. but only some shine out to me, more than others.
im never going to be the girl that can get everything she wants.
hell lifes taught me that from the very start.
i'll never get the guy i want, and if i do, it'll be shortlived.
because there is always someone better than me, more gorgeous, more intelligent, more ambitious.
the one thing i want right now. i cant have. because of all my stupid health problems that refuse to go away, and let me live my life how i want it.
i should have moved to alaska when i was supposed to. seriously just thinking about it makes me cry. i am such an idiot to have stayed. i should have grown some balls and gone away. get a great education. be able to spend more time with my alaska friends.
its just not fair. im truly the biggest idiot for staying.
i finally realize that to the fullest by staying in alaska where i was to move to.
i hate the stupid decisions i make. about mainly everything.
i know what would truly make me the ultimate happiest ever in my life.
but i cant get it and make it happen.
i loved it in fairbanks.
with the people i met.
i had more fun on friday and saturday night with krystal, joel and josh, than i have had in the longest time. i couldnt even remember the last time i had that much fun.
i actually drank.
i had genuine smiles.
i loved every minute of it.
they are the best people i know. and they live hella far away. its not fair.
i was hella emotional sat night and sunday morning.
i would have given anything to have stayed.
:(
i still feel that way.
its not fair.
the majority of people who i know here in cali wouldnt really care if i left. i mean shit, why would they, i dont even talk to them on a regular basis as it is.
krystal is one of the most amazing girls i know. i hate it that she lives so far. and even if i do move to fairbanks, she'll be gone by the time i do move there. as with the guys as well.
and the guys there. are hella amazing. at least the ones i've met.
and the majority of them are absolutly gorgeous. inside and out.
but alas, regardless of where you live in this world, looks are always going to be a part of attraction.
i can catch any guy with my personality. i've done it, but in the end its the physical attraction that counts.
believe me, i havent gone through so much self hate comments to myself, then i have this weekend. i was so frustrated. its like yea i can buy nice clothes to make me look good. but it doesnt, because fat people are so gross and sloppy looking. its not fair. and especially if you find something cute. but its like a billion sizes. and you know deep down that it would look SO amazing if you were a lot thinner. its not easy anymore. i cant cover my emotions anymore. i can never get what i want because of my fucking fatness.. and its not even my fucking fault. i didnt sign a contract saying i wanted to be this way, and by "this way" i dont mean fat, i mean having pcos. and having it fuck with everything in my life.
im fat, i have high blood pressure, i have high blood sugar, my cholesterol is fine (WTF im fat, it should be horrible), but i need to raise my good cholesterol.
im taking shit loads of pills every fucking day.
im over it. its not fair for a 22 year old to feel like you're like 80's and the only way to function and to live is on all these pills.
i dont want it to be my life anymore.
i want to be a happy 22 year old. that doesnt have to rely on pills to keep my heart from going crazy.
its stupid. because i have everything in the world going against me, and im still the one whos picky as fuck. i have a good idea as to what i want.
but i'll never be able to get it.
its me against the world. i realize that.
but so far, its the world that is winning.
im afraid thats what its going to be like.
and i cant do anything about it.
i have an idea as to what my perfect life would consist of.
no pills.
love.
education.
career.
fun.
i definately now have an idea of who the love of my life should be. personality/education/physically. im actually not that picky. just a normal smart guy. with ambition. and something going for him. i know a few of these. but only some shine out to me, more than others.
im never going to be the girl that can get everything she wants.
hell lifes taught me that from the very start.
i'll never get the guy i want, and if i do, it'll be shortlived.
because there is always someone better than me, more gorgeous, more intelligent, more ambitious.
the one thing i want right now. i cant have. because of all my stupid health problems that refuse to go away, and let me live my life how i want it.
i should have moved to alaska when i was supposed to. seriously just thinking about it makes me cry. i am such an idiot to have stayed. i should have grown some balls and gone away. get a great education. be able to spend more time with my alaska friends.
its just not fair. im truly the biggest idiot for staying.
i finally realize that to the fullest by staying in alaska where i was to move to.
i hate the stupid decisions i make. about mainly everything.
i know what would truly make me the ultimate happiest ever in my life.
but i cant get it and make it happen.