almost 6 years...
so in little over a week.
im going to be "celebrating" for lack of better words..
february 6th....6 years in a row without my best friend.
6 years of not having someone i can tell absolutly everything to.
6 years of not being able to show boys we have in our lives.
6 years of not getting those amazing hugs she used to give.
6 years of not having a regular smoking buddy.
6 years of not partying
6 years of not celebrating our 21st bdays.
6 years of not driving from yorba linda to huntington beach to colton to moreno valley and back. and saying we were just at the mall.
6 years of making friends then losing them just as fast.
6 years of not having you in my life.
whats horrible....is that...if you were still here. you would have met my first boyfriend and all the other whatever you call its after that, you would have helped me get gorgeous for that first date, you would tell me he's not worth it or he is so worth it, you would have helped me get ready for anything, you would have been there for me whenever i needed you. i was reminded of you everytime i left my house in yl. that was 4 years of having to see your house without you, then without the rest of your family, then seeing a new family move in. im still reminded of you becuase everytime i go to class (which is rare) i have to pass by the cemetary. i havent gone in a while. i know i should. but it hurts. and no one really cares. they dont ask. they think im over it. because i talk about it like i am. because of the main reason i hate answering questions.
you're the only one that knows, realizes and accepts (to a degree) that i put everyone in front of myself. no matter. what. i know i shouldnt. but it's how i've always been esp. since you died and i had to be strong for all of your friends and all of your family. well im sick of being strong. i wish i could break down and cry to someone over this. but no one will listen. they may say they will, but they wont. you're the only person i could do that with. and i cant exactly break down and cry to you, because you're not here anymore.
the past is in the past. i realize this. i realize that we cant go back. and you couldnt see me on my first date, and when i graduated and prom, and every other first thing in my life.
what hurts the most is the future. you'll never see me in love. you'll never see me move out of my parents house. you'll never be in my wedding (if i ever get married). you wont be there when i have kids (if i can). you wont be there for my next tattoo. you wont be there to grow old with me. best friends are forever right? well forever left when you did.
and it sucks.
what sucks the most, is that no one cares.
what happened was in the past and we're all supposed to move on and be dandy and happy as hell. well im not, and i havent been since that day. and everyone wonders why i dont have a cheery disposition.
you'll be 24 this yea. its fucking insane how long its been.
it fucking kills me every day. not being able to see or talk to you. or your family.
i used to smile so much. and they were genuine real smiles. now they are usually fake. or short lived.
i dont know.
i wish i could smile all the time like i used to. but its so hard now. because im reminded of how it used to be. and how different everything was and how different everything could've been if you hadn't died.
life is fucking shitty. thats my motto. thats what i've lived by since you died. because its not fair. not at all. you had so much. and it was just taken from you.
im extremely fortunate for the friends i have today. but i'll never be as close as them as i was to you for the soul fact that if i lose one of them i dont know what i'd do. honestly.
people didnt think i'd make it when you died. i was basically on watch all the time because i hadnt "flipped" yet.
its insane people thought i was going to kill myself over your death.
well not too insane. if i didnt have people hovering. i probably would have. because i was so young and because it had hurt so bad.
but im glad i didnt. i have experienced so much in the last 6 years. good and bad. but still experienced it. i would only talk back about a little less than half..but still. ha.
i love you.
you're always in my heart mind and shit. even on my shoulder. watching my back and shit.<3
Taylor Leann Camp.
july 1, 1983 - february 6, 2001.