I'm Asphyxiated ; The Many Li(v)es of Fear // Part III of IV

[suheafoams]

In the beginning, Joonmyun has a hard time believing that Kyungsoo’s story is true, but he does start to gradually notice it, the long settled fatigue in Jongin’s frame and the disquiet layered under his serious eyes.

When he thinks Joonmyun’s too busy to notice, Jongin stares at him, whether it’s during filming or coffee breaks or group dinners. Jongin pokes at his personal space and regularly asks if he’s wearing enough, if he’s cold, if he wants more food, what he did over the weekend.

Joonmyun thinks that he is not as perceptive as he believed, because he’d never have thought Jongin was holding a past like this based on the way he acted towards everyone. Admired by many and approached by several, Jongin is the type of person people are apt to assume lead a wonderful life with a rose colored background, everything fitting into place and nothing going wrong for them.

Joonmyun is overwrought by how wrongly he’s judged Jongin.

He was not the only one suffering. He was not the only one.

The burden on Joonmyun’s head grows heavier, even more so whenever Jongin smiles or laughs in his presence with a kind of carefree quality that makes it hard for Joonmyun to bring serious topics up. He wonders how Jongin ended up so…happy looking, and he ended up a bitter man with nothing but hate tying him to the past.

He only plans on saying sorry, and maintaining some levels of a friendship, though he won’t reveal the full truth. If he does, Jongin will know he’s still in love with him, and then things would get sticky. It’s unrealistic for him to picture having a relationship with Jongin, and he would only be able to handle it on the condition that they dated in secret. But dating in secret would be difficult, when Jongin works at the same company and on the same project, and smiles at Joonmyun like he’s sunshine and his source of fuel.

Kyungsoo is surprisingly unaffected after his talk with Joonmyun and the producer’s outburst. The attitude in which he regards Joonmyun stays the same, and if anything has changed, it would be the icy distance between them becoming a little shorter.

Kris looks a lot happier after getting married. His parents had been opposed to him and Amber being engaged, but he’d done it against their will with no regrets. Joonmyun wishes he had that kind of courage.

“Joonmyun.”

“What?” Joonmyun looks up at Kris, who has a handful of canned drinks in his large hands.

“Can you pass these out to the others?”

“Uh sure,” Joonmyun agrees, taking the drinks from the blonde. Kris still doesn’t look like he’s gotten used to how cooperative Joonmyun’s been these past few days.

“You okay lately?”

Joonmyun raises an eyebrow at him, and leaves the room without replying.

Kris nods to himself in reassurance. “Still the same.”

Kyungsoo and Jongin are checking out the photos they’ve taken today when Joonmyun passes by with the drinks in his hands. He assumes they won’t look back to see who it is, but they do, and Joonmyun turns abruptly as if he were planning on heading in their direction anyways. “Here you go,” he says, passing out a drink to both of them. “Thanks for your hard work.”

Both of them bow and say something similar in return.

Joonmyun is about to turn around so he can give out more beverages, but he stops when Jongin says, “Joonmyun-ssi.”

“Yes?” he glances momentarily at Kyungsoo, who’s back to reviewing the photos on the computer. “What is it?”

Jongin steps closer, and Joonmyun’s breath hitches. “Do you have anything to do after 6?” he asks, lowering his voice.

“…Why?”

“Let’s have dinner together today. Just the two of us,” Jongin says, but he looks like he’s expecting one of Joonmyun’s blunt refusals or silences for an answer.

Joonmyun wants to see the uncertainty in Jongin’s eyes turn to delight just once.

So he agrees.

They go to a restaurant Jongin suggests, and Joonmyun hopes the flavoring in their dishes isn’t too intense. His appetite is still low key but he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling the servers there to adjust the taste, since he only does that with Luhan.

Jongin is a natural worrier and has to ask Joonmyun if he likes the food at least four times before he’s convinced that Joonmyun is somewhat telling the truth. “Kris told me you like light stuff, so I chose this place.”

“Oh. Yeah, thanks.” Joonmyun blows at the noodles to cool them down. It’s just like Jongin to have gone and asked Kris about Joonmyun’s preferences beforehand.

“Joonmyun.”

“Mmm?” Joonmyun can’t speak because his mouth is stuffed with noodles and only hums in response.

“Can we…can we go to my apartment after this?” Jongin asks. “To talk. I wanted to talk to you for a long time. Can’t you promise me at least an explanation? That’s all I want from you.”

Suddenly the texture of the noodles feels slimy against Joonmyun’s tongue, and he swallows them quickly so he can speak. Friendship. No matter what, he’s going to stay friends with Jongin. The only thing he owes Jongin is an explanation, and it doesn’t have to be the real one.

“Sure,” he says, smiling while feeling like a whole load of cheat, and ugly, and terrible. He feels worse when Jongin’s face lights up, and he looks so earnest at the news that Joonmyun has willingly agreed to talk.

“Is Kyungsoo not home?” Joonmyun asks, already feeling antsy in the closed space of Jongin’s apartment. There’s nothing wrong with the size, but everything is related to Jongin in some way (unless it’s Kyungsoo’s) and Joonmyun is being picked at all over by guilt. The stench of smoke is subtle in the living room so Joonmyun guesses that it must be even stronger in Jongin’s bedroom.

“Nope, he’s with his girlfriend,” Jongin says, taking off his coat and hanging it on a chair. He takes Joonmyun’s, as well, and hangs it on another.

“Oh. I see.”

Jongin treads to the kitchen, turning on the light and washing his hands before getting a cup and filling it with water for Joonmyun. “Here.”

Joonmyun remembers the events that had happened after the last time Jongin gave him water, and hopes it won’t happen again, that he’ll keep his emotions and lust under control. Before Jongin asks, he’ll tell him.

“I broke up with you for a lot of reasons. The kids at school…you know how they were. I couldn’t handle that,” Joonmyun says. That part’s true.

He’d never been beaten up, never had his lunch stolen. Joonmyun’s thankful for it, but that’s not to say the instantly hushed voices whenever he entered a room were any better, or the suffocating atmosphere of gossiping crowds that weren’t exclusive of teachers. His name was always a whisper on people’s lips, a darkened name on the roster everyone knew about.

“And I thought, if I couldn’t take it anymore, how could you? I didn’t want you getting the same treatment and being hurt by others’ words.” That part’s a little bit of a lie.

Jongin had not been affected as much by the bullying as Joonmyun. Since he’d been known for being popular, the student body made assumptions that it was Joonmyun who seduced him and led him down the wrong path. In a way, they were right. Joonmyun had been the one to confess and ask for a relationship. Jongin had simply been kind enough to agree.

“And my parents were not exactly…supportive of my choices. They didn’t think a child that they raised could turn out to be gay, and truly believed that my sudden change in sexuality was a phase. They still think I’m straight.” Joonmyun is caught by an onrush of tears, and he sucks in a deep breath, surprised at how close he is to crying. “They think I just haven’t met a girl I loved yet. They don’t know that I’m never going to.”

Jongin notices his uneven gasps for air, but waits for him to keep going.

This isn’t supposed to happen. He isn’t supposed to cry. He isn’t supposed to talk about this many details. “My father…he said that he wasn’t going to pay for my college fees…that he was going to disown me if I insisted on being homosexual.”

Jongin’s hand is stroking his hair, and Joonmyun doesn’t have the heart to tell Jongin that it’s greasy and filled with hair mousse. “It’s okay, I’m here. I understand. Don’t cry, Joonmyun.”

Jongin’s words act as a trigger, and the tears start to fall even harder. There’s more, and more, and more, and Joonmyun has never thought this much water could come out of his eyes. “He smiled at me so h-h-happily when I told him being gay was just a phase,” Joonmyun stutters, pressing into his eye sockets with his fingers. “He was so happy. That his son was normal. But the problem is I’m not! My mom…I think she’s suspicious of me, but I tell her that I’m just too busy at the moment, or there’s someone I’m seeing. I am lying. I am lying through my teeth all the time, and I’ve never going to have a child to bring home to her who will call her Halmoni. I’m never going to be able to tell her I’m getting married, and I won’t raise a family of my own.”

“Joonmyun…” Jongin’s hand lies on top of Joonmyun’s. It’s warm, and Joonmyun wishes someone else would put him back together for once, instead of him crying in his bathtub in the middle of the night after a long working day and having to pick the shattered pieces of himself back up so he’ll be normal the day after. For now, he’ll let go. He’ll worry about fixing this stupid situation later.

“Even if it was just for a few minutes, I wanted to have you. I wanted to have you to myself, kiss your lips, hold your hand, experience what it felt like to have someone take my breath away. I didn’t mind that you were primarily straight, and I didn’t worry about you leaving me for a girl. It didn’t matter to me. You were all I needed and all I wanted, and -”

He chokes on his own spit before he can finish the rest of his sentence. “- I loved you, Jongin. So, very, much.”
Joonmyun is shaking so hard he has to curl into a ball like position for his body to stay still, and Jongin wraps comforting arms around him, murmuring “It’s okay” next to his ear over and over again. It’s the first time since their reunion that Joonmyun has ever called Jongin by his first name, freely.

“I’m tired of this,” Joonmyun says. “I’m tired of running away from you. Work exhausts me, and a lot of times I don’t think I’m good at my job. There are so many things nobody will know about me, and it’s not their fault. I don’t say anything. I’m so afraid, Jongin.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of being judged for being who I am on the inside.” Joonmyun shudders as his chest heaves a big sigh. “I’m afraid of society. I want to be perfect.”

Jongin’s lips brush against Joonmyun’s cheek.

“Why did you -” Joonmyun’s eyes are wide.

“Why do you have to be perfect in a society that is far from it? Perfection is an illusion. And even if it wasn’t, there is no point for you to be perfect when more than half of society doesn’t give a fuck about you or how great of a person you are,” Jongin says, hands rubbing soothing circles on Joonmyun’s back.

“Then why does it matter what gender we like? Why is it okay if a girl is into boys, but not when a boy loves a boy?” Joonmyun is still teary-eyed, but the storm has passed and he’s staring at Jongin attentively.

“Humans fear what they don’t know, and then they go and think they hate it because it’s wrong. But in reality, they just don’t know how to understand.”

Joonmyun is still breathing hard from the impact of having spoken so much more than he usually does, feeling as though he’s just taken years and years and years of things he’d held back and dumped them all out onto Jongin. And Jongin is like sea foam that swallows everything whole, despite already having poison at the bottom of his ocean floor.

“Do you need to take a rest? Want me to take you home?” Jongin asks after Joonmyun’s remained silent for five minutes.

“I can’t take a rest. If I don’t get everything out, I may never speak about it again,” Joonmyun grips onto Jongin’s arms.

“Would you believe me if I said I loved you?”

Eyes lock on eyes as Joonmyun stares up in bewilderment and Jongin’s gaze remains frank. “Because I did. Even though I never said it or expressed it that well, I did love you. And I still do. I’m sure you know how I would react if we lost contact again, thanks to Kyungsoo and his meddlesome nature.”

“How do you -”

Jongin snorts. “He’s been my best friend since college. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

Joonmyun feels relieved; he no longer has to worry about feeling guilty for knowing something Jongin hadn’t meant to tell him. “You’re not…you’re not angry?”

“No,” Jongin’s voice is rough and soft at the same time, and Joonmyun thinks he could wrap himself in layers and layers with the sound just listening to it. “It’s not like I wanted to hide it from you, so I don’t mind if you know.”

“But it wasn’t Kyungsoo’s place to tell me in the first place.”

“True,” Jongin agrees, smiling, “but he understood both of us far better than we understand each other. I would have never told you unless you asked, and you would have never asked.”

Jongin is on point. Joonmyun isn’t surprised anymore.

“But what would you do if I told you I loved you, and wanted you to be my boyfriend?”

Joonmyun can imagine it. Holding hands late at night when it’s too dark for many people to see, waking up next to Jongin in the morning and not having to worry about who was hurting more because Jongin would be on the other side of the bed, staring back at him with a sleepy smile. He exhales, and says, “If I was brave and honest and strong enough, I would tell you I loved you too, and that I wasn’t against the idea.”

The pain is visible in Jongin’s face, but he steels himself up for rejection all the same. “I have loved you since nine years ago, Joonmyun, and wished you were mine for eight. It’d be nice if you suddenly became brave and honest and strong right now.” He smiles, his voice cracking, and then suddenly Jongin is the one crying into Joonmyun’s chest. He’s big and awkward against the cashmere of Joonmyun’s sweater because Joonmyun is so much smaller, though Joonmyun is able to reach his hands around Jongin’s back and pat him in time to the rhythm of a silent melody.

“I’m not afraid of what everyone else thinks,” Jongin says, hot tears running down his face and onto Joonmyun’s neck. His hands are resting on Joonmyun’s hips, and Joonmyun thinks it’s strange how much he feels they belong there. “As long as I have you, I’m okay. I can take on anything, even the whole world.”

Jongin cries silently, as if the sounds can’t come out of him and only the tears can. “Where are your tissues?” Joonmyun asks, gently unwrapping Jongin’s limbs from his torso so he can go look for a box.

“There should be one on the table in the next room,” Jongin says, his voice tight in a way that makes it obvious he’s trying to halt the onrush of tears. He lets out a long, frustrated sigh.

When Joonmyun takes a tissue and wipes at his eyes, Jongin laughs and sneezes twice before he says, “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to ask you seriously to go out with me, and take it like a boss if you said no. But it’s so, so, so hard to keep my cool around you, Joonmyun, because just when I feel like I can’t love you anymore than I already do, I fall even harder.”

Jongin is making it harder and harder for Joonmyun to walk away. Just like he had eight years ago. With affection living in his eyes and disappointment lacing through his fingers, Jongin is undoubtedly the only person Joonmyun has ever loved in his twenty six years of life. But fear is Joonmyun’s twin brother, and he has always been responsible for carving the way forward during Joonmyun’s times of quandary while slamming down on any emotion that leaked out of his heart.

“I can’t promise you forever,” Joonmyun says, slowly. He has dived into the ocean to take out the poison out of its deep waters, and he doesn’t know whether he’ll succeed or die trying. “But I can promise you tomorrow, and the day after that, and maybe a year after that. I won’t hold your hand in public, and if someone asks, I’ll tell them that we’re not in a relationship, that we’re just friends. But when I come home and see you, I’ll kiss you and do whatever you want me to do and hold your hand for as long as you want me to.”

“Joonmyun,” Jongin says, but Joonmyun isn’t finished.

He continues, “I might break up with you if I feel threatened that people are going to find out, and I’ll deny that anything ever happened between us if it gets that bad. If you’re okay with having that kind of a coward for a boyfriend, then I’m all yours. I’m all yours, Jongin.”

He’s buried in kisses of happiness as soon as he stops speaking, Jongin having climbed on top of him and grabbed his face so they can get closer. There’s gratitude and relief in these small actions, and Joonmyun’s shoulders no longer ache from carrying a burden only he knew the existence of.

“Joonmyun, Joonmyun, Joonmyun, I love you,” Jongin breathes, pulling back to look at Joonmyun.

“You know, it’s a manipulative strategy to use someone’s name every time you talk to them?” Joonmyun says, looking annoyed, but he kisses Jongin back anyway. “You don’t have to say my name that much.”

“Joonmyun.” It is a small, rebellious whisper and Jongin grins like he’s conquered the world.

“Jongin,” Joonmyun says, and his lips meet Jongin’s again. His chest feels warm, but now he doesn’t have to hold back anymore.

Kyungsoo comes back in the morning at around 6 AM to find the two asleep on the couch. Joonmyun’s head is tucked under Jongin’s chin, and Jongin’s legs are resting over Joonmyun’s knees. Kyungsoo wonders how numb their legs must be, considering they were in such an awkward position for the whole night. He notices the tissue box on the ground, which he picks up and puts back on the dining table. “You two…seriously,” he shakes Jongin awake.

Jongin looks sheepish when he realizes what’s going on, and in turn wakes up Joonmyun by calling his name.

Joonmyun sits straight up as soon as he’s awake enough to see that Kyungsoo is staring at him with some amusement. “I’ll be g-going!” he says, fleeing towards the doorway where his shoes are located.

Luckily, Jongin gets to the door before Joonmyun, wedging his body in between his colleague and the doorknob so that Joonmyun can’t leave. “Wait! Don’t you want to eat before you go? Or take a shower?”

Joonmyun shakes his head frantically, giving Jongin a panicked look that takes turns between him and Kyungsoo.

Oh. So that’s why. Jongin then asks, “Do you want me to send you home?”

“It’s okay. I can get home by myself,” Joonmyun’s head is shifting this way and that, like he’s trying to look at anything except what’s in front of him. He freezes when Jongin pecks him on the forehead.

“Stay safe then, okay?” Jongin warns, opening the door to let Joonmyun leave, and Joonmyun makes some sort of a gurgling noise before walking hurriedly away.

“I feel like I missed something very big,” Kyungsoo says, large eyes growing yet bigger as he threads his fingers together in a fan like motion. “Did I?”

Jongin smiles at him rather dangerously. “You also ruined something very big. I thought you were staying over at Luna’s?”

“Oops, I came home a bit too early.” Kyungsoo makes a gesture along the lines of what can I do? and asks, “Want kimchi spaghetti for breakfast?”

Joonmyun slides to the floor after his apartment door shuts and beeps in confirmation that it’s locked. There’s a smile on his face and he can’t seem to make it go away no matter what he does. He takes one of the pillows on the couch and giggles into it until he feels disgusted enough with himself to stop.

After hopping into the shower to wash up, he changes into a pair of grey slacks and black shirt, still grinning uncontrollably at his reflection in the mirror. He’d done it in the past to see which smile was the most successful in guilt tripping people or winning them over to his side, but now he doesn’t have any other reason than Jongin.

“Did it always feel this good to be myself?” he asks out loud even though it feels a little silly. He can finally breathe, and there’s no urge to throw up when he thinks about Jongin, and it’s like he’s peeled off the skin he was forcing himself to wear for years.

Luhan is the first to mention the change in Joonmyun. “You finished your food even though I gave you a lot this time,” Luhan remarks, peering into the bowl to see what kind of magic Joonmyun has performed to have it be empty. “And you look a lot less restrained. Work going well?”

“You could say that,” Joonmyun answers. He’s getting through the difficulties of work with small bits of eye contact and breath taking smiles from Jongin whenever they pass close enough to each other. Jongin doesn’t overstep Joonmyun’s comfort zones, and keeps the bolder interactions to a minimum until they’re only in each other’s company.

Luhan clearly doesn’t like Joonmyun’s vague answers, though he’s had to accept them for years now. “Or is there someone you’re seeing?”

Joonmyun smiles and slides his money across the counter. “Bye Luhan.”

Joonmyun has to pretend to wear the old layer of himself around other people to keep suspicion from arising, but it’s far less suffocating compared to before, where he put on a mask for so long it became a part of him. He supposes he’s still lying in another form. Joonmyun’s okay with that; he has Jongin waiting for him after work to look forward to, and other things like watching movies together or just talking with their hands touching until it’s much too late and Joonmyun has to get back home.

Jongin somehow becomes possessed enough to dye his hair blonde, and Joonmyun has no problem with the color itself, more with the suddenly increasing popularity of Jongin amongst the company and general public (even though his popularity was already through the roof before).

“You sure are getting a lot of numbers lately,” Joonmyun remarks dryly when Jongin takes out a pocketful of slips in assorted colors to throw away. “How many did you get today? Ten?”

“Are you jealous?” Jongin asks, beckoning Joonmyun towards him. “I’ll give you a kiss.”

Joonmyun ignores Jongin’s gesture and stays where he’s sitting. It’s not like he has the right to be angry, since their relationship is supposed to be a secret anyway. He’ll just have to endure. “I’m not. Why don’t you take a shower? You look tired.”

“Yeah, but you’re here. If I take a shower I get to see you less,” Jongin whines, and Joonmyun thinks he’s going to fall in love all over again.

“I’ll count how many minutes it takes for you to take a shower, and then stay that much longer after. Deal?”

Photographer Jongin and at home Jongin look very different. His hair, for one thing, is styled up a lot of the time for a more professional look, but at home it’s a fluffy mop of pale blonde that makes Jongin resemble a sheepdog. He’s extremely sensitive when Joonmyun laughs at him straight out of the shower. “This is also another one of the reasons I didn’t want you to see me after I take a shower,” he gripes, rubbing his hair dry with a towel. “You’re still laughing!”

“Sorry,” Joonmyun manages to breathe out between his fits, “You really are so different outside and inside, Jongin.”

“Everyone is,” Jongin retorts, and he leans close to Joonmyun. “But your feelings towards me are always the same. Right?”

Joonmyun squeals when Jongin attacks him to get a kiss, wet hair and all. “Hey! Go blow dry your hair, for God’s sake. Kim Jongin!”

Joonmyun finds out soon enough that he’s not the only one who gets jealous, and that Jongin’s even worse than he is about controlling his displeasure.

It’s a Thursday, so Joonmyun took the opportunity and planned to meet up with Baekhyun to give him updates and officially end their sexual relations. It was one of the rules they agreed on, so he has to follow through.

He doesn’t prepare for Jongin showing up and asking where he’s going after work. “I’m meeting a friend,” Joonmyun answers, waving good bye to the others as he walks out.

“What friend is this?” Jongin asks, following him. If it was really just a friend, Joonmyun would be telling him the name, and he’s not, so....

“Baekhyun.”

“Who’s he?”

Joonmyun turns around, arms crossed. “No one you need to know about. I’m just going for dinner with him. You can’t come.”

“Is he one of those unsavory characters you used to meet up with?” Jongin tugs at Joonmyun’s sleeve.

“You’re being too obvious!” Joonmyun pulls Jongin into the privacy of a small alley where they can talk in more detail with fewer eyes on them. “Yes, he is. I’ve known him for a long time, so don’t worry.”

Jongin does not look like he wants to let go of Joonmyun anytime soon, but Joonmyun pushes him back out into the main street’s sidewalk and Jongin forces himself to be mature about this. He fails. “No cheating on me. You can’t, okay?” Jongin mouths, pointing at Joonmyun accusingly even as he gets further and further away.

Baekhyun reacts the way a good friend would, though there is an unmistakable bitterness tugging at the corners of his lips that Joonmyun wishes he could shake off seeing without any guilt. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re happy, right?”

“I am, for once,” Joonmyun replies. “I really am.” Jongin makes him feel as though he can finally breathe in a world that’s filled with water to the brim, and he never wants to drown again.

Baekhyun’s smile is lopsided throughout the whole dinner, like one part of him wants to smile and the other wants to frown, but Joonmyun doesn’t ask. If Baekhyun doesn’t mention it, Joonmyun shouldn’t bring it up and hurt him even more.

Joonmyun’s questions are sort of answered at the end, when they’re saying goodbye to each other and Baekhyun asks for a favor. “Is it okay…if I kiss you one last time?”

It’s hard to say no, so Joonmyun agrees.

Baekhyun’s lips brush against his cheek, and then he’s gone, waving as if nothing ever happened between them.

Joonmyun touches his cheek. He can still feel the anguish lingering from Baekhyun’s lips.

Secrets are hard to keep. It reminds Joonmyun of when he was little and forced the door closed against an outraged Joonkyung after a wild goose chase around the house. He hadn’t been able to hold his brother off for long, and Joonkyung had barged into the room the moment Joonmyun’s grip loosened against the door.

Joonmyun’s fingers on both of his hands are not enough to count the number of times he’s come a fingernail away from breaking up with Jongin. He’s not as paranoid as before, but he still trembles in the company of people who threaten his privacy or joke about his closeness with Jongin.

Jongin has a hard time understanding why Joonmyun is so scared of people knowing, though he never pushes Joonmyun to go public with their relationship. “We’re in a younger generation, Joonmyun,” he says when Joonmyun starts panicking again. “People are becoming more accepting.”

“It makes me feel sick when people look at me differently. I feel like they’re trying to read more into my words, and actions. Everything changed when people in my college found out - not even that, heard rumors about me liking boys. They didn’t even know if it was true, but I lost so many friends and respect for something that I can’t control.”

“You’re no longer in a school, Joonmyun,” Jongin says, softly, smoothly. “You won’t be forced to spend hours in a place you don’t like, with people who don’t know you. Your decisions are yours, and whoever doesn’t respect them shouldn’t be a part of your life anyways.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Joonmyun says, and he means it. “I know it’s hard for you.”

“It is,” Jongin admits, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Joonmyun’s stomach. Joonmyun is the perfect size for him to hold. “I feel like a balloon that’s going to burst. I want to shout and tell the whole world that you’re mine and I’m yours.”

“But I won’t do that,” he adds when Joonmyun is silent for a while. “Unless you’re okay with it. You know I won’t.”

Joonmyun laughs a feathery laugh, the kind that makes Jongin’s insides twist because Joonmyun only laughs like that when he’s pretending that he’s fine, but he’s actually not. “I want to be okay with it. Sometimes I think I am, but then fear gets the better of me, and I’m not ready to tell the others anymore.”

Jongin exhales into Joonmyun’s hair. “Then we’ll stay the way we are now.”

“I wish we were the only ones in the world,” Joonmyun says, even though he knows it’s a silly wish because what type of world would they live in then? “I could hold your hand all the time, and kiss you, and we’d laugh at dumb movies. Or maybe just become invisible. But that’s not a great idea either.”

Jongin hums.

“You’re going to get sick of me,” Joonmyun says quietly, hands resting on top of Jongin’s. “You’re going to leave eventually. You can’t show me to your friends and say, ‘this is my girlfriend and I’m going to marry her.’ I’m not a nice girl, but a man.” A man who runs away from everything and lies in order to pretend he’s in control.

“If I still wanted you after you broke up with me like that, and we didn’t see each other for eight years, do you honestly think I could get sick of you? It’ll be at least another twenty years before that happens,” Jongin says, and shifts his hands so his and Joonmyun’s fingers are weaved in between each other. “Besides, aren’t you the one that said you can only promise me tomorrow but not forever? Don’t you think that’s unfair to me?”

Joonmyun laughs, and this time Jongin’s insides don’t twist because it is the sound of relief.

From the first time they met until now, Joonmyun’s always loved Jongin, but it takes him a lot longer to accept the idea of admitting that fact to other people. He’s more open now, and although his dry humor is still intact, he isn’t so keen on hiding his sexuality anymore because he sees that it hurts Jongin whenever he has to say he isn’t dating anyone.

Joonmyun is hurt, too, when Jongin avoids exposing their relationship, but not as much as Jongin, since he’s been keeping secrets for his whole life and he’s used to it.

He tells Jongin one day that he’s okay with revealing their relationship, and Jongin is beyond ecstatic even though he has always been fine with Joonmyun’s decisions. He also nods with ever growing enthusiasm at the condition they only do it after production of the movie has been finished, only stopping when Joonmyun puts a steadying hand on his head.

“Does it really make you that happy?” Joonmyun asks after the smile hasn’t left Jongin’s face for twenty minutes straight. He’s even singing and twirling around in the kitchen as he tries to cook up something with the limited ingredients in Joonmyun’s fridge.

“Yes, it does. It really, really, really, really does. I think I could swim the entire Pacific right now.”

“You wouldn’t even make it to the mile mark,” Joonmyun says sourly, turning away to look at his phone (and to hide the stupid blush that appears whenever Jongin’s happy about something related to him).

“Let a man dream, okay?”

The only thing left holding Joonmyun back is his parents.

He hasn’t attended family dinners in a while, due to busy schedules and the underlying tension of his “constant bad luck with women.” That excuse has been used too many times to count, and he thinks his mother has already, sort of…well, caught on.

It’s in her voice and the words she says. “Joonmyun, bring home a friend sometime,” or “Joonmyun, why do you always come alone?” In the past few calls she hasn’t asked if Joonmyun’s dating anyone, only asked about work and his health.

She’s asking again whether he’s met any new friends, and Joonmyun decides to take the risk and jump. “I have,” he gulps, then wonders if it was loud enough for his mother to hear on the other side of the phone. “His name is Jongin.” He doubts his mother still remembers Jongin from high school, because even before he came out to his parents, he hadn’t spoken much about his school classmates.

His mother doesn’t reply, and Joonmyun almost thinks she’s either hung up accidentally or on purpose, but the call is still in session when he checks the screen. “…Will you bring him to dinner on Sunday then?” she asks.

A million different scenarios flash through Joonmyun’s mind, and the one that sticks is the one where Joonmyun’s father will lose his temper and have an ugly, hateful tantrum in front of everyone while his mother would stay silent. He doesn’t want Jongin to be exposed to what he had to go through eight years ago, but to live his entire life without his parents’ blessings…Joonmyun doesn’t want that either.

“Maybe. If he has time,” Joonmyun says, and his mother sighs.

“Your father has a business meeting and he’ll be home late on Friday. If you want to, you and your friend can also come for a meal then.”

It’s a blatant sign that his mother knows, and Joonmyun doesn’t know whether he feels more at ease or more panicked.

“I - okay, I’ll think about it.” He wishes her goodnight before hanging up.

“Coffee, coffee, coffee,” Joonmyun mumbles under his breath, tapping his foot impatiently as he watches Siwon try to explain to the lead actress how to improve her acting for a particular scene. It’s warm out, and Joonmyun’s glad that the harsh temperatures of winter are gone.

“Joonmyunnie hyung,” Sehun says. “We’re having problems. The residents around here are complaining that the shooting is too loud and disturbs them.”

Joonmyun runs a hand through his hair. “Even though we already talked to them and warned them about it? What else do they want?”

Sehun looks positively distressed, so Joonmyun tells him not to answer that. “I’ll go take care of it,” he says, and walks to where there’s a group of people waiting.

He surveys the small crowd, noting that it’s mostly middle aged to old people with disgruntled expressions. “Hello, I am the producer for this film. We’re terribly sorry about the noise but it’ll only be a while longer.”

A low series of grumbling ensues, and Joonmyun asks, “Is there something I can do to make conditions better?”

“How about you stop filming here?!”

“Yeah, find some other neighborhood!”

Joonmyun flashes his smile, solely intended for calming angry mobs and persuading the stingiest of all people. After this he’s going to gather up all the disposable chopsticks he can and snap them, one for every idiot in this crowd. “I’m afraid we can’t do that since we’ve already paid the money to be filming here. If you would all like to contribute to the costs to film somewhere else, I’ll be glad to move the company’s location.”

It quiets down, and Joonmyun thanks the heavens that today’s crowd is less persistent. Usually it’s much worse than this, the protesters hanging around for longer than they need to, but Joonmyun is tired and he doesn’t have the patience for ignorant people. Joonmyun apologizes several times for the inconvenience until the gathering of people dissipates, and he gets to sigh in relief.

He scooches up next to Kris, who’s making gestures with his entire body at the actors and actresses, and would have smacked Joonmyun right in the face had he not deftly moved out of the target range. “Oh, Joonmyun! Sorry about that.”

“It’s quite alright,” Joonmyun takes another step to the right for safety measures, having decided that Kris’s hands could probably kill someone through suffocation, they’re so big. Kris had once mentioned that his hands were unfit to use his phone properly and he would hit multiple keys more often than not while typing. Joonmyun had laughed at that time, but now he understands that Kris wasn’t joking.

When the time allows for it, Kris goes touching along subjects that should be kept outside of work, but Joonmyun doesn’t really mind enough to nag. “You’re…different from usual,” Kris says, pinching his chin in thought. “You’re a lot less snappy with everyone. Did something good happen to you recently?”

“Am I?” Joonmyun rubs the side of his neck. “Not really.”

“Me too, me too,” Sehun says loudly, appearing out of nowhere. “Why has hyung been in such a good mood lately? And even though he drinks less coffee, he has the same amount of energy. And he doesn’t threaten to kill all of us anymore.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joonmyun’s toe hits the most sensitive part of Sehun’s shin and he smiles as the younger cries out in pain. “And maybe I stopped threatening you because I’m planning your murder for real.”

Kyungsoo approaches too, and Jongin isn’t with him. After a careful scan of 360°, Joonmyun finds Jongin in the distance, moving around occasionally to change the angle of his camera.

“What’s going on?” Kyungsoo asks, but the look in his eyes suggests he knows exactly what’s going on.

“Doesn’t he look happier now?” Kris says, “His eyebrows aren’t furrowed anymore, and he smiles unconsciously. It’s a little creepy, but I do like how much more patience he has with us.”

“But he won’t tell us anything,” Sehun adds, rubbing his shins tenderly. Joonmyun is glad to see his coworker hasn’t recovered from his kick yet. “Can’t you make him?”

Kyungsoo smiles at Joonmyun, and it reminds Joonmyun of the smile Luhan had directed at him when they first met. Welcoming, and bright. No intention of prying. He says, “Why don’t you just let Joonmyun-ssi bask in his happiness for a while? He doesn’t have to tell you if he doesn’t want to.”

Sehun and Kris groan in unison, muttering something along the lines of “Kyungsoo is no fun either,” as they try and go back to concentrating on their work.

“Thanks for that,” Joonmyun says after the two have disappeared out of hearing range.

“You’re welcome,” Kyungsoo pats him on the shoulder. “Anytime.”

When Joonmyun asks Jongin if he’s okay with having dinner at his house, Jongin agrees without a second thought. “Dinner with your parents? Sure, what day and time?”

“The thing is…”

Sensing that the topic at hand is more serious than just a yes or no, Jongin looks up at Joonmyun from the list he’s writing and drops his ballpoint pen, giving him his full attention. “What is it?”

“My parents…I don’t know how they’ll react to us.”

“Are you...are you planning to introduce me as your boyfriend?” Jongin’s eyes widen. “You don’t have to do that you know. I mean, you haven’t even told Kris or Sehun yet.”

Joonmyun fidgets, playing with his fingers as he says, “My mother said if we wanted to just eat with her, to go on Friday. And if we want to meet my dad, we should eat together on Sunday. She seems to have noticed that I’m not going to bring home a wife any time soon, because her tone turned weird when I told her about you.”

“You told her about me?” Jongin sounds like he’s pleased, yet not all too sure of it himself, as he reaches for Joonmyun’s hand.

“I told her you were my friend,” Joonmyun says, grabbing onto Jongin’s hand with ardor. “But she immediately insisted on bringing you over. I don’t know - do you want to meet my father? And do you want to have just dinner, or have dinner and possibly be screamed at for about half an hour? That is, if I tell them about us.” He likes how Jongin’s fingers fit in between against his, and thinks that he wouldn’t want to hold anyone else’s hand, ever.

“Is your dad physical?” Jongin asks.

“What do you mean?”

Jongin clears his throat. A sliver of the fatigued, afraid him shows on his face, and Joonmyun understands what Kyungsoo meant when he said it hurt to watch. “Like…does he have… violent tendencies?”

“Oh,” Joonmyun says, “No. No he’s not. He gets very loud though.”

“If that’s the case, then I don’t mind being screamed at for thirty minutes,” Jongin says. His smiling front is back. “What do you think? Shall we go meet your parents?”

Jongin is strong, Joonmyun thinks. He lives in the present, and doesn’t overthink his actions, doesn’t plan them out. He’s nothing like Joonmyun, who has always calculated everything at least three times over before his thoughts came to life in the form of words or actions, but Joonmyun thinks their differences are perfectly fine.

Joonmyun doesn’t notice he’s biting his lips so much until Jongin points it out. “Don’t worry so much,” Jongin says, smoothing out a wrinkle in Joonmyun’s forehead. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.” They’re standing outside the front step of Joonmyun’s parents’ house, and his boyfriend’s smile is reassuring to Joonmyun’s increasing heart rate.

Joonmyun rings the buzzer. There are soft footsteps coming from the other side of the door. Joonmyun’s mother is the one who opens the door to greet them, sporting a blue apron over her dress, and ushers them inside.

“Hello, nice to meet you, I’m Jongin,” Jongin says, bowing towards Joonmyun’s mother. Her gaze is directed at Jongin’s hair, which of some he has managed to cover up by wearing a black beanie. She nods at him as she smiles.

“Dinner’s going to be ready in a few minutes,” she says, “Why don’t you two come into the dining room?”

Not much has changed in the house, say for a few new additions to the family collection of wooden figures and decorations. The furniture looks the same, and Joonmyun’s father’s chair is still there, with a high stack of books beside it. Joonmyun convinces himself to shake off the unpleasant memory of his father sitting in that armchair so many years ago.

Joonmyun’s father is sitting at the head of the dinner table as he looks through piles of mail. “Who is this?” He lowers his glasses, sliding them down onto his nose to get a clearer view of Jongin. Joonmyun’s mother had once explained to him one of the problems of aging; she and Joonmyun’s father’s eyesight would become far sighted, rather than near, and it was difficult for the old man because his glasses would be either needed or completely useless.

Joonmyun thinks it’s scary to watch someone age.

“My friend, Jongin,” he says, and Jongin bows accordingly with a “Nice to meet you.”

The dinner proceeds smoothly. Joonmyun’s mother is almost as much in love with Jongin as Joonmyun because she’s constantly telling Joonmyun to be more like him. Jongin doesn’t pick at his food, has a large appetite, and tells interesting stories about his work as a freelance photographer. Somehow Joonmyun doesn’t feel offended.

A chilling tension fills the room when his father asks him, “Joonmyun, why did you bring him here today? You never bring any friends or dates. Who is he to you?”

Jongin comes back from the kitchen after clearing the table’s dishes into the sink, and shifts uncomfortably, but nods at Joonmyun’s glance for permission.

“Kangwoo!” Joonmyun’s mother hisses, but her husband ignores her warning.

“Well?”

“Jongin is my…my boyfriend,” Joonmyun says, feeling a little safer when Jongin comes closer until he’s standing behind Joonmyun.

He wants to close his eyes and pretend he hasn’t just revealed the biggest secret in his life to his family. Joonmyun’s mother doesn’t look all that surprised, and Joonkyung looks shocked, but Joonmyun’s father keeps his lips in a straight line, his knuckles gripping the chair so tightly they’ve turned white. The image makes Joonmyun feel like he’s in high school again. Only this time, Jongin’s with him, and Joonmyun won’t let his words be so easily dismissed.

His father stands up, slams his chopsticks down on his plate, and then leaves the room. Even though his wife calls his name multiple times, he doesn’t come back.

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun’s mother reaches out to touch Joonmyun. It’s the first time she’s touched him since he left home, and he has an unexplainable urge to cry.

No matter how much he pretended he hated his parents, Joonmyun couldn’t erase the fact that they raised him, and he still sought their approval for his lifestyle as impossible as it seemed. Even if his father can’t accept him, he’s content because he’s told him the truth, and he can’t control whether his father chooses to accept it or disown him.

“There was once a time where I wanted you to lead a normal life and marry a girl,” Joonmyun’s mother tells him, as he and Jongin prepare to leave, putting on their coats. “But then I realized you were holding secrets, so many, in fact, that your expression seemed to age even more than my own body, Joonmyun. Then I just wanted you to be happy. I’m glad you and Jongin made the time to come today. I’m sorry about your father.”

She leaves Joonkyung to talk with the two, going back to the kitchen to clean up. Joonkyung says, “I feel bad.”

“You don’t have to,” Joonmyun says quickly.

“Mom and Dad gave you so much pressure to get married. You could have at least told me,” Joonkyung looks regretful, his wife standing next to them while holding their baby. She gives a supportive smile to both Jongin and Joonmyun. “It would have taken the burden off your shoulder.”

“I guess, yeah,” Joonmyun is too choked up to give any better of a reply. He’s unused to receiving positive opinions about his sexuality, and wonders if his life would have turned out any different had he told his brother before his parents. At the time, his brother had been studying overseas, so Joonmyun didn’t have many chances to talk to him.

“Is it okay if I ask how long you two have been dating?”

Joonmyun nudges Jongin so he can talk. “Uh,” Jongin says, looking back at him in bewilderment, “It’s kind of complicated.”

Joonmyun laughs. It’s the reason he made Jongin answer the question.

“A five minute summary would be good, since Jaehee needs to get some rest,” Joonkyung says jokingly as he motions towards his wife.

“We dated briefly in high school, and then started dating again about half a year ago,” Jongin says. “A lot of history in between.”

“I see,” Joonkyung says. “Well, we’ll be seeing you again sometime in the future?”

“Hopefully,” Joonmyun answers, and the two couples depart as they get into their separate cars.

“I thought you were going to quit?” Joonmyun asks later that night, after Jongin excuses himself to go outside so he can smoke.

“It’s not that easy. I’ve cut down a lot, to about one every other day.”

“How many did you used to smoke?” Joonmyun asks, but then takes it back as Jongin looks about ready to speak. “Wait, never mind, you’re going to give me a panic attack if you tell me.”

Jongin goes ahead and tells him anyways. “Almost a pack a day, which is like twenty?”

He chuckles at his boyfriend stuffing his head in a pillow and shrieking. “Sorry, Joonmyun, just wanted you to know how much I’ve improved. Hopefully by next month it’ll be one a week.”

“How do you get over the urge to smoke?”

Jongin shrugs. “I bite toothpicks or chew mints.”

There’s a silence as Jongin stands there, waiting for Joonmyun to respond and Joonmyun’s gaze is directed anywhere except on him.

“…Sorry,” Joonmyun stares at his fingernails. “That you had to deal with my father.”

Jongin swoops him up in an embrace, kissing behind Joonmyun’s ear reassuringly. “No need to apologize. And it’s not like I got yelled at. He just left the room.”

“I thought he was going to yell. That’s what he did the last time I tried to tell him I was gay,” Joonmyun shudders. Jongin’s voice against his ear this late in the evening isn’t helping his body’s sensitivity in any way.

Jongin seems to notice that he’s uncomfortable, and takes advantage of it as he kisses down his neck.

“Jongin.” Joonmyun pulls away from the other. “We should sleep.” Not get hot and heavy, he thinks.

The look Jongin gives him sends a rush of blood straight to his stomach. “Don’t wanna,” he says firmly, and resumes his badgering of Joonmyun’s neck. Joonmyun lets him do as he pleases, moving whenever the other shifts so that Jongin can get more exposure to his skin. Jongin is not rough, but he isn’t gentle either. His kisses are given in a sort of hurried desperation, like he can’t decide where to settle on Joonmyun’s neck and Joonmyun might slip between his fingers.

Only a minute later, he’s pouting and staring at Joonmyun like he’s the one who should continue. “I don’t - I’m not confident in this, you should know that,” he admits, turning red. “Cause you’re the only guy I’ve ever -”

Joonmyun bursts out laughing, which makes Jongin whine in mortification and Joonmyun says, “Then get off me and we’ll go to my room, okay?”

“Carry me like a princess!” Jongin demands after standing up, holding his arms out, and Joonmyun snorts.

“You want me to carry you, when you’re ten centimeters bigger than me and heavier?”

Jongin doesn’t see anything wrong with his request and nods. Joonmyun has no choice but to carry him, nearly collapsing under the giant as he dumps Jongin on the bed. “Are you happy, you little princess?”

He barely has time to complain about his shirt being wrinkled when Jongin pulls him in by the collar for a kiss, and he climbs onto the bed, Jongin pulling at his buttons hastily. “Slow,” Joonmyun murmurs. He can only see the top of Jongin’s hair as the latter’s too busy shedding his clothes to look at him. Black roots are growing through, and he wonders if Jongin will do touch ups soon. Joonmyun has steadier hands, so it takes him considerably less time to get Jongin’s clothes off his body and onto the floor.

Time runs away from them as Joonmyun starts exploring the geography of Jongin’s body, pausing in certain landmarks, like Jongin’s stomach or his hips or his inner thigh. Jongin is itching for more, but stretches his patience just for Joonmyun and conforms to his pace, feeling content with tender kisses and whispers of each other’s names. Everything is slow, and there’s no fight for dominance or submission. They are both, or maybe none at all, but they have each other for company and that’s all that really matters.

Jongin’s skin is flushed, warm to the touch as Joonmyun prepares him with a finger, then two, then three. He has to be continually reminded to breathe deeply, since he makes short, uneven breaths whenever Joonmyun pushes digits back into him.

“Hurts?” Joonmyun asks into the dip of Jongin’s spine.

No is clear in the way Jongin releases a prolonged moan and clings onto the sheets with jerked movements.

Joonmyun drinks in every sound that comes out of Jongin’s mouth, from the weak “Please”s to incessant moans and soft curses. Jongin rarely swears in abundance, unless he’s extremely angry or extremely turned on, and Joonmyun’s glad to see that he’s definitely not angry.

Jongin peppers his lover’s face in kisses when Joonmyun moves inside of him, hands wrapping around Joonmyun’s neck instinctively. His eyes are closed, and he’s whimpering Joonmyun’s name in between appreciative pecks.

“I’m so happy,” Jongin says, once both he and Joonmyun have come back down to Earth after enjoying the high of their orgasms. “It’s our first time to make love.”

Joonmyun opens one eye. Closes it again. “Mmm.”

“Something wrong?” The outer ends of Jongin’s eyebrows are pulled downwards in worry.

“Nothing,” Joonmyun answers, turning his head the other way. Jongin’s cheesiness is cringe worthy. Extremely, extremely cringe worthy. How does he say that kind of thing with a straight face? “You don’t have to announce it like that. It’s just sex.”

He can hear the sound of Jongin scrambling to get up and peer over at him. He digs his face deeper into the pillow, but not before Jongin gets a good look at how red his cheeks are, and laughs.

“I love you.”

Joonmyun supposes he can deal with this level of cheesy. “Me too. I love you, too.” He says, lifting his head. “Hey.”

“What is it?”

“Kyungsoo told me you had family issues. Can I ask what they were?” Joonmyun’s collarbones are exposed, and Jongin gives them a tentative bite.

“My parents weren’t getting along,” Jongin says, running a hand through his hair. “My oldest sister was already out of the house then, and my other sister was studying at college. I felt scared all the time, because my parents’ marriage was falling apart and I couldn’t tell anyone. They were really physical in their fights, and it was more often than not that both of them ended up injured after an argument. They got a divorce, fortunately, before they clawed each other’s eyes out.”

Joonmyun nods to show he’s listening.

“I don’t feel that bothered about it now, but back then, the timing was horrible. Their divorce was finalized the week you broke up with me, and I kinda didn’t do so well after that,” Jongin laughs as a way to break the austerity of his words. It doesn’t really help, not when the pain of his past is still freshly settled in his face and he has to make an extra effort to smile again. “But I’m okay now. Don’t worry too much.”

“Everything Kyungsoo said…is it true? That you ended up in the hospital several times, and you had to see a therapist?” It’s not that Joonmyun doesn’t believe Kyungsoo, he just feels like Jongin puts up an impenetrable front to push him away, and Joonmyun doesn’t think that’s “fair” when Jongin has heard and seen and felt all of his weaknesses. Rather than giving him the big picture, Jongin has always shown Joonmyun bits and pieces of himself through the lens of a grainy film.

“Yeah.”

“If you feel bad, you have to tell me too.” Joonmyun says, “what you’re afraid of, if anything’s bothering you. You have to, okay?”

Jongin smiles. Tucks Joonmyun’s head into the crook of his neck, hands warm on the other’s back. “I don’t…fake happiness when I’m around you, Joonmyun. You know that, right?”

He continues before Joonmyun can think of something to say back. “I was happy too, before I got to meet you again. My past may have been painful, maybe it even counts as traumatic, but at least I’m living in the present just the way I want to and I don’t have to go through any of those hardships a second time.”

“Did the therapy…did it help?” Joonmyun asks. “What did you do specifically?”

“Kyungsoo pushed me into attending sessions after all the times I ended up almost dying and getting rushed to the hospital. At first I had a hard time talking about my feelings, but eventually I realized that bottling it up inside myself wasn’t helping me get better, so I grew into the habit of seeing my therapist regularly, even after I no longer needed such intensive treatments. Most of the time, I just talked about what was bothering me, stuff that I couldn’t say in a regular conversation. I hated my parents for fighting, but I didn’t like them any more when they did get a divorce. I knew it wasn’t my fault that they weren’t getting along, but I still felt helpless at the fact I couldn’t do anything to change the outcome of their marriage.”

Joonmyun is unable to empathize with Jongin over this matter, but he tries his best to imagine what it’s like in Jongin’s shoes and drums his fingers across Jongin’s back thoughtfully. “Why did you stop going?”

“I’ve been a lot better, and I thought it was time I learned to deal with my problems by myself instead of running to my therapist every time something bothered me,” Jongin says. Then laughs. “It sounds ironic, but she agreed to the idea too.”

He pushes Joonmyun back by the shoulders so he can look at his face. “But don’t worry about me because I’m okay now.”

“You keep saying that, but how can I not?” Joonmyun says, looking away. “It’s better to let me worry about you. I feel more at ease that way. And I don’t want you to act like my feelings are more important than yours, ‘cause they’re not. They’re very important to me.”

“Okay,” Jongin agrees as he ruffles Joonmyun’s hair. “I trust you and I’ll tell you everything you ask. Any more questions?”

Joonmyun nods. “Did you date anyone after we broke up?” He doesn’t mind the idea of Jongin having dated people other than him, since he’s had sex with several people besides Jongin and he doesn’t regret his decisions. Without someone like Baekhyun, Joonmyun would have lost his sanity a long, long time ago.

“I was in a serious relationship with this girl for two years, but that’s about it. Everyone else was a year or less,” Jongin says, watchful of how Joonmyun will react. He’s surprised when Joonmyun’s expression doesn’t change, and a little disappointed.

“No guys? Do you have a picture of the girl?”

“No, no guys,” Jongin narrows his eyes. “Why do you want a picture of the girl?”

“I’m curious,” Joonmyun explains. “Can’t someone be curious?”

“Curious my foot. No one in their right mind wants to see a photo of their boyfriend’s ex,” Jongin says, rolling on top of Joonmyun and kissing him on the nose. “I get jealous just seeing anyone who’s being too close with you.”

“You really don’t have one?”

Jongin scrunches his nose and shakes his head. “I might, but I would have no idea where to look. You can settle for looking at just me, right?”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes as he mumbles, “Sure.”

“Alright, that’s it. From now on, you can no longer roll your eyes at me when I’m trying to be romantic, or cute. That’s a rule,” Jongin says, prodding Joonmyun softly in the stomach. The latter groans before trying to scoot farther away and failing.

“Who’s going to listen to a rule you made up?” Joonmyun sticks out his tongue, then dives under the blanket when he senses an impending attack from Jongin. “I’m going to sleep. Night!”

Jongin follows him into the sheets, kissing Joonmyun in the dark until he’s squealing for Jongin to stop and let him rest in peace. Only then does Jongin settle for wrapping his arms around Joonmyun’s waist, the tip of his nose buried in Joonmyun’s sweet smelling hair.

“Night.”

part I, part II , part IV