lately..
Lately i've been.. out of sort.. its up to a point that i've didn't see it coming. i've been angsty, frustrated, sad, cynical, sarcastic.. very emotional. and i keep telling myself, its because of a loss, which gave me a reason to act like this.
May wasn't a very good month.. Sure, the month went by quickly. But having to visit the hospital 5 times this month, isn't a good thing at all. I've lost a very dear aunt, I've got a normal MRI scan result, which means i might have to go for surgery to find out what exactly was causing my knee to hurt, many chaotic stuff have been happening, I have to adjust once again to housing arrangement, I just dont know how to keep myself up together anymore.
It's tiring. Trying to hold myself up, but in the end breaking down because the only place where i can fully let my guard down 100% is at home, is now again, intruded by someone which i really dont like. To me, a home is defined as a place where i can rest peacefully, and be 100% off guard. But now, I have to be on guard even at home. I dont like it. Heck, i cant even call this a home now.. its just a house. I know it sounds cruel, but its really now a shelter for me to close my eyes late at night.
And because of this, it became a very big deal to me, and i took it out on my mom, who didnt tell me that that guy was moving in temporarily, to make sure his brother studies, and i didnt have time to adapt to the new horrid changes, and having very heated conversations with my mom and jonathan, in the end, breakdown.
In school, chaos within happening this week. Just like this, I tried to bring up my best front, be guarded, but yet, i've gotten very frustrated, cynical, sarcastic, quiet, out of sort and a little vulgar.
I hate it. i really do. i'm really tired of me being like this. i want to stop. i really want to.
May wasn't a very good month.. Sure, the month went by quickly. But having to visit the hospital 5 times this month, isn't a good thing at all. I've lost a very dear aunt, I've got a normal MRI scan result, which means i might have to go for surgery to find out what exactly was causing my knee to hurt, many chaotic stuff have been happening, I have to adjust once again to housing arrangement, I just dont know how to keep myself up together anymore.
It's tiring. Trying to hold myself up, but in the end breaking down because the only place where i can fully let my guard down 100% is at home, is now again, intruded by someone which i really dont like. To me, a home is defined as a place where i can rest peacefully, and be 100% off guard. But now, I have to be on guard even at home. I dont like it. Heck, i cant even call this a home now.. its just a house. I know it sounds cruel, but its really now a shelter for me to close my eyes late at night.
And because of this, it became a very big deal to me, and i took it out on my mom, who didnt tell me that that guy was moving in temporarily, to make sure his brother studies, and i didnt have time to adapt to the new horrid changes, and having very heated conversations with my mom and jonathan, in the end, breakdown.
In school, chaos within happening this week. Just like this, I tried to bring up my best front, be guarded, but yet, i've gotten very frustrated, cynical, sarcastic, quiet, out of sort and a little vulgar.
I hate it. i really do. i'm really tired of me being like this. i want to stop. i really want to.