You're a quiet piss in the morning
long in waiting, i have no idea what i will write.
i only know that for a couple of weeks now, its been pressing on me to write here again. i know i will have a lot of work ahead of me. and, at the moment, i dont really know what's going to happen. and as much as i enjoy my routine of sitting around and doing nothing, i am pretty pumped for new projects to take on in my final school year. and a journalism class where we actually write, pen to paper, and pretending to be a good student. im moving forward, praying that im going in the right direction- hoping expectant waiting. because through all these years i feel like all im ever doing is nothing but waiting to start my life- what a disillusioning realization! all i have to show is a life half-lived, halfway in denial of its reality and its specifics, spent mostly in a state of active forgetting. when i actually think about the idea of settling down at one place now, i think about how i could possibly be comfortable with that, when all i want is to travel all over the world and explore or fulfill certain dreams like ive always wanted to? i bet you, this is what every second person thinks each night before they fall asleep. maybe the ones that think it today will be replaced tomorrow by the ones who thought it yesterday and its all just a shifting of dreams.
the reoccurring compromise of closing my eyes at night knowing that i wont have the life i want when i wake up pushes me back into the familiar cycle, eager to forget my dissatisfaction of what my life actually is in comparison to what it should be. just imagining a second-best life makes me irrevocably disappointed in my future. and by just knowing that i am even capable of imagining being unhappy forever makes me sad even about my imagination- the only place where i usually let myself get lost in, and then i feel better. its really hard to keep a positive outlook with reality at the same time. i just hope its not selfish of me to hope that everyone feels like this, every now and then. i just really dont want to be alone in this. not in this... pleaseee
i know i should write with purpose if im going to write at all. i dont know why am i writing all of this because i honestly never meant for this space to be a sort of journal. perhaps a collaboration of thoughts, certainly something that will at least get me thinking for a little while. maybe all of this jumping around from once topic to the other is due to my lack of writing as of late. either way, im forcing myself to get back into the habit of at least writing my thoughts down, it helps. or maybe i think i need to designate a real life journal to be my 'wah wah' journal where i can be as dramatic and self-centered as i want to. if anything, it'd be something to look back on and roll my eyes at.
i only know that for a couple of weeks now, its been pressing on me to write here again. i know i will have a lot of work ahead of me. and, at the moment, i dont really know what's going to happen. and as much as i enjoy my routine of sitting around and doing nothing, i am pretty pumped for new projects to take on in my final school year. and a journalism class where we actually write, pen to paper, and pretending to be a good student. im moving forward, praying that im going in the right direction- hoping expectant waiting. because through all these years i feel like all im ever doing is nothing but waiting to start my life- what a disillusioning realization! all i have to show is a life half-lived, halfway in denial of its reality and its specifics, spent mostly in a state of active forgetting. when i actually think about the idea of settling down at one place now, i think about how i could possibly be comfortable with that, when all i want is to travel all over the world and explore or fulfill certain dreams like ive always wanted to? i bet you, this is what every second person thinks each night before they fall asleep. maybe the ones that think it today will be replaced tomorrow by the ones who thought it yesterday and its all just a shifting of dreams.
the reoccurring compromise of closing my eyes at night knowing that i wont have the life i want when i wake up pushes me back into the familiar cycle, eager to forget my dissatisfaction of what my life actually is in comparison to what it should be. just imagining a second-best life makes me irrevocably disappointed in my future. and by just knowing that i am even capable of imagining being unhappy forever makes me sad even about my imagination- the only place where i usually let myself get lost in, and then i feel better. its really hard to keep a positive outlook with reality at the same time. i just hope its not selfish of me to hope that everyone feels like this, every now and then. i just really dont want to be alone in this. not in this... pleaseee
i know i should write with purpose if im going to write at all. i dont know why am i writing all of this because i honestly never meant for this space to be a sort of journal. perhaps a collaboration of thoughts, certainly something that will at least get me thinking for a little while. maybe all of this jumping around from once topic to the other is due to my lack of writing as of late. either way, im forcing myself to get back into the habit of at least writing my thoughts down, it helps. or maybe i think i need to designate a real life journal to be my 'wah wah' journal where i can be as dramatic and self-centered as i want to. if anything, it'd be something to look back on and roll my eyes at.