I could be a cold morning like you
sometimes, i really dont know what to expect of myself, i dont know what to think about anymore. i really wish my brain would just shut the fuck up and stop talking to me for once because its fucking exhausting and irritating. my life is one big gross joke and maybe i need to stop being so introspective and be more open about my feelings and stop building all these invisible walls around me all the time but fuck it, its not easy sometimes. especially after anything that is unpleasant that has happened before, slowly you just start to build up all these defences, basically a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you further. what i really miss most is being able to trust unconditionally, without limitations or boundaries, but ill adopt, though im artificially inseminated. thats how i feel like, but in the midst of it all, ive grown much stronger anyway
maybe i could fade away, and have just every little thing that i still say and believe in stop making sense to myself. then maybe, i could just breathe, work, do and not complain, feel, lose.
and i figured i might need plans and schedules. i need to know that things are going to get done, when and how. this gets me into trouble. is it so wrong to need so much structure?
and even after settling all that in my head, just try to imagine the kind of backspacing-thought-replacing process that was going on in my cerebrum.
in the meantime, i will furl my brow and accidentally give people frustrated sighs and looks. or maybe i could go on like some rampage tomorrow, shove thirty mini chocolate bars in my mouth and snarl at passers-by and look super nasty. lastly also, bloodly beetroots this weekend. goddammit.
maybe i could fade away, and have just every little thing that i still say and believe in stop making sense to myself. then maybe, i could just breathe, work, do and not complain, feel, lose.
and i figured i might need plans and schedules. i need to know that things are going to get done, when and how. this gets me into trouble. is it so wrong to need so much structure?
and even after settling all that in my head, just try to imagine the kind of backspacing-thought-replacing process that was going on in my cerebrum.
in the meantime, i will furl my brow and accidentally give people frustrated sighs and looks. or maybe i could go on like some rampage tomorrow, shove thirty mini chocolate bars in my mouth and snarl at passers-by and look super nasty. lastly also, bloodly beetroots this weekend. goddammit.