As no more tears are able fall from my eyes, I now collapse on my bed of fears

Oct 07, 2004 01:29

Today I was forced to face my fathers mortality for the first time. It's killing me. Thinking about how he's not always going to be able to do everything he has. Makes me think of everything we have done, things we've been though. I'm afraid of those things stopping. It scares me because it forces me to think that he wont always be around either. I'll probably die when he does.
While driving Ben home from class I tried so hard not to cry, but he told me to go ahead and just do it. So, I cried my eyes out and spilled everything about my dad. He held me for a bit when we got back to his house. It made me feel so much better. I really, really needed to feel his arms around me. I try not to be a needy person. No matter how much I feel I need something, I try not to ask for it. But, I really needed to be held tonight, but the greatest thing, the thing that made me feel even better was that I didn't have to ask.
Ben: Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you.
Tonight when I got home, my Dad was on the couch. We talked a little. He asked me about my class today and we decided we're going to play a game when I get home from class tomorrow. Then he said good night and went off to bed. I watched him as he limped massively toward the stairs, cringing with every step, and I wanted to cry. I know how much he's hurting and I know how much his health means to him. And, all I can think of is how there's nothing I can do to help him. Any health problem he's had I've been able to help him. When he had horrible shin splints, when he's been sick, I've been able to help make it better. But, now, I can't. After a little bit of typing this, my Dad came back downstairs. I asked if he was going to sleep on the couch, he said he has to. He can't even sleep in his own bed at the moment.
I just feel so useless. I can't help. There's nothing I can do to make it better and it's killing me inside. All I want to do is be able to make him lunch, get him some tea, like I always do when he's sick, or show him a stretch that will help and then watch him jump up and be better. But, I know that lunch, tea and stretches wont help him right now.
I just can't face that my Dad is getting older. That things are happening. That things will eventually change in huge ways. I can't face it and I don't want to. I admit it, I'm a coward when it come to the facts of life.

So, I am a coward, a wuss, a little child who can't deal with life. And, yes I am human, too. I do need to be held at times, especially right now.
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