Sinking
First of all I absolutely am not allowed to complain. My life is better than many, probably millions of peoples' lives so I have no right to whine about my small trials and tributlations! I understand that I am doing so well and that there is probably no more one could expect of me and that I shouldn't feel the dread and decay that I feel on a daily basis.
That being said I need to complain. I need to type it out somewhere...here is just as good as any because some one might read this and understand. Anyone might stumble upon this journal and connect with it and that's good people should connect. Ah well even if I don't its great to pretend other people are attending my pity party.
One I'm not skinny. Yes I know many people think I look good but I'm muscle and fat and ick. I have worked out for hours and hours 4-6 days a week. My accident did hell to my body. Anyways all that resting and eating made me a lump and still after a month of working out I feel like some stout dough boy from hell.
Two My friends are far away. Whether its one hour to twenty plus most of the people I adore are far from me. I am painstakingly lonely. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my stephen he is the most amazing hot fantastic Scrumtralecent boyfriend EVER!!!!!!!
That being said I need my friends I need consistent people I feel close to. I feel in disconnect scrambling to feel connected and share even the smallest real communicative moment. I do not use drugs or alcohol to soak up my wounds anymore so I am not numb...just throbbing most of the time. I don't know I'm trying to build friendships but I'm stubborn cause I know there are people that I have amazing connections to ALREADY but there's just no way to see them on ANY regular basis.
Three bills money bills money car payments, utilities, loan payments, more loan payments, Insurance payments more insurance paments more cellphone bills...life ick things sucks more money...and then handling this insurance claim from hell. Spending all my time off with Doctors, physical therapists, chiro practors massage therapists........
Which brings us to FOUR my back hurts...not numb not tingly not sore or tight. At certain times extreme pain, immobile pain, life ending "you may never be yourself again" pain. I want to do a god damn handstand or at least some crunches.....or pick up a chair with out fearing the worst. I hurt at the movie theater driving in my car 2hours to and from work. I hurt from doing NOTHING, and all these analysts say i'm getting better and I just hurt and feel out of shape and out of my life. I was supposed to be on a trapeze and circus silks like Cirque di soleil and I am lying in my bed desperately trying to find a position that won't wake me up in the middle of the night.
Okay there's more but I think I'm burnt out. Besides the fact that there's some harlot bringing spencer drama back into my life, I don't want to whine any more.
I'd like to tell you the thousands of good things going on with me right now. The endless kindness of humanity, the way my cats find little ways to drive me crazy, how cool stephen and I looked in our costumes. There are good things but today I'm weighted down and yesterday too and alot of days....i'll come back up I always do but...sometimes it all seems impossible.....
So I whined what ever you read it!