confizzled
why must my incessant needing-to-know-everything bring me upon things which i know i should even want to see but cant stop myself from looking at? this is some sort of ridiculous train wreck.
obviously if this information was so private people wouldnt put it on the internet, and yet i feel like im a thief, running around with someone else's thoughts and emotions that i should not have access to.
like yea, im brilliant and im not trying to brag but i can think up these intricate little plans that most people cant even fathom. all in the name of curiosity. and its FUCKIN ANNOYING SOMETIMES! i waste all this time thinking about these things when i could be out living and enjoying the little things i've found that make me happy.
but im so worried about other people are planning and the "real" meaning of what people say to me that i get caught up in the stupidest things.
im way too guarded for my own good. thanks a lot mike. i blame this solely on you.
my god i cant imagine how different my life would be if i hadnt wasted the last 4 years of my adolescence stressin about him and his mess.
he's the reason i dont trust guys.
he's the reason im so contained
and yet so damn emotional.
he's the reason i dont think im good enough.
he's the reason im afraid to fall in love.
and the reason i crush so hard
he's the reason i hurt way more than i should
he's the reason i dont trust my heart or my mind anymore
to think one fuckin guy could do this. ya kno, im a really strong girl. considering all the shit i've been through lately, and im still standin. somehow. yea its hard sometimes, a lot of the time, and im grateful for the amazing friends i have who have held me up through these trials, but im still a wreck.
but lately i feel like backing down. im sick of holding myself up and putting on these facades in the name of keepin up appearances.
but through all of this i've realized that getting hurt is a part of life. it makes you really appreciate the happiness you are offered, no matter how small or how quick. so i'm vowing to not worry about things that have nothing to do with me. there are tons of things that i know that make me want to say forget it and just give up on all of this. yea there are a million things that can affect me still, and the choices i intend to make, but while im sittin here thinkin through all the possible outcomes, my life is goin by me. so im gonna stop thinkin so much. and just live. just be.
if i get hurt, i know who to turn to and know they wont say "i told you so" and that they'll just be there for me. and then they'll beat whoever's ass who made me hurt.
im gonna stop making up these little schemes
im gonna stop digging for information i dont absolutely need
im gonna stop reading too far into what you say to me
im gonna stop wondering what if
im gonna try this no-obsessing stuff and let you guys know how it works out.
wow i feel better already!
-/ something random: the squirrels at cmu are fuckin fearless! \-