[fic] Come To Me In the Rain
Title: Come To Me In the Rain
Band: Super Junior
Pairing: Mixian
Rating: R
Disclaimer: See my user info; also, parts of this fic were inspired by 'Kaze to Ki no Uta', 'I would have loved you anyway' by Trisha Yearwood and 'I Don't Remember' by Peter Gabriel.
Description: AU. A series of letters exchanged between Zhoumi and Kyuhyun, the star-crossed lovers.
17 August 1887
Dearest Kyuhyun
First of all, please forgive me for not writing sooner.
It has been a long time since we last saw each other. The leaves were just turning orange when our paths separated forever, but I can still see you standing in front of the gates, your arms crossed over your chest. It is this gesture that I recall whenever I’m trying to think of your sweet face.
‘Why is he trying to shut out the entire world?’ I used to ask myself back when I didn’t know you as well as I do now.
Yours arms, which have held me so many times, are keeping me out now and I do not know what to do. Will you ever believe me when I say it is not my fault that I could not stay, that I unable to stay, but unwilling to leave?
Do not shut me out any longer.
Forever yours
Zhoumi
29 September 1887
Dearest Kyuhyun
I trust my letter must have reached you safely by now. Is it that you are not willing to reply or is there anything keeping you back? Surely they would not keep you from replying to a letter. Surely they would not keep the letter from you. Surely they would not do anything to you at all.
Still, I am worrying about you all of the time. I cannot focus on my daily chores, cannot pretend to be happy when I know you might not be.
Oh, Kyuhyun, please let me know if you are well. You do not have to write anything else. Just let me know if you are all right so I may sleep again at night.
Every day seems the same; it’s like everything is covered in grey ash and every bite of food and every sip of wine is poisoned by it. At night when I am exhausted from going through another day of torture I toss and turn, but never find sleep.
I miss you.
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
24 December 1888
I have nothing to say to you.
K.
12 March 1888
Dearest Kyuhyun
I have not written in a long time. You probably do not care either way, but I have decided to write one last time. I want you to remember what we used to have and if only so you can forget about it completely - like I will have to do.
Do you remember how it all started? Sometimes it feels like it was ages ago when I first saw you, standing in front of the door to our room, arms crossed over your chest. You did not want me any more than I wanted anything to do with you - at first.
Do you remember now?
Ah, it is too painful. I will need to stop now.
Forever yours
Zhoumi
27 May 1888
I don’t remember, I don’t recall, I have no memory of anything at all.
Once you bought me a pair of new shoes because I had lost one of mine. I found it in your old wardrobe. Have you stolen it? Or were you planning to re-enact a scene of Cinderella with me? I am still pondering these questions every single day, out of lack for anything better to do with my time.
Ryeowook graduated last spring. He followed Donghae to London. What will become of them? That’s a question I’m not particularly interested in, but I keep wondering anyway.
Life has become a boring ordeal that I would end if only I had the strength to get up and open the window to let in the warm breeze of late spring.
It was in the hay, wasn’t it? That was when you lost your innocence to the lion. Poor little doe. I might have killed you if you had not given me the most blissful afternoon of my life.
K.
12 June 1888
Dearest Kyuhyun
It was in the hay. You were lying under me, your face peaceful and your arms wide open. I was shivering when I felt your fingers trailing down my spine, but you would not let me go. I was a prisoner of the desire you sparked in me with every glance, every fleeting touch.
The hay was tickling my legs as I moved over you, catching your sweet lips in a kiss.
I had never kissed you before that, knowing that you were not interested in such tender gestures.
This time you just looked up at me, your hand lightly resting on the back of my neck, and said: “Do what you want with me.”
I wonder, how many times have you said these words so far? And to whom? Ah, Kyuhyun, I will never forget this afternoon or you. You were smiling at me, so wild and young and free as you pulled me in your embrace.
You felt so delicate beneath me and I was scared to hurt you with either my weight or any words I would have liked to utter. So I steadied myself on my arms and said nothing.
The sunlight filtering through the latches of the barn painted intricate patterns on your pale face. For a moment you looked almost warm and your sweet lips were curled in a smile so beautiful it made my heart ache.
And then your lips were seeking mine in a kiss that tasted of sorrow and chocolate.
I held you as our world broke apart, spinning out of sight in an insane circle of darkness and specks of sunlight dancing behind my closed eyelids.
And I knew if only I could hold you tight right now I could manage to hold on to you forever. But you slipped out of my arms and went outside to smoke a cigarette.
I lay down; the hay was still warm from your body heat and I cried because it was not your body that was warming me. As the cigarette smoke drifted upwards, burning my nostrils, I realised I had lost you.
You wouldn’t have understood my sadness, so I wiped off the tears and went to seek you out another time. I knew that was what you wanted and when could I ever deny you anything?
Oh, my beloved, give me peace or set me free.
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
24 August 1888
Donghae is reading physics now. What a fool.
K.
9 November 1889
Dearest Kyuhyun
Please forgive me for not writing sooner. I have been very busy. I am now officially a Doctor of Medicine, ready, willing and able to save lives. I am wondering if this is a goal worth fighting for. I was not able to save you.
Finding out your new address was hard. I had to bribe a couple of people.
Why am I doing this? Would you even care if I stopped writing?
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
11 December 1889
It was hot on that day. I remember that more than anything else. Your body felt even hotter against mine, but inside I was cold, frozen like one of those ice angel statues we had at my father’s home for Christmas parties.
I held on to you, wanting your warmth so much, needing it more than anything. You were eager to please and so very beautiful in that fragile moment when the world around us was torn, broken, ravaged by something infinitely more powerful than either of us was.
We weren’t special as individuals; a brat and a teacher’s pet. Together we were something.
At the same time I was scared of you. How could it be that someone so insignificant could wield such power over me? I needed to get away from you as quickly as possible, catch my breath and think.
But when you took me that second time outside the barn I knew I could never let go. And I hated you for it, for being my only weakness.
When I was a child I had a cat. It was just a stray, not beautiful or cuddly like the pet cats some of the neighbours kept. I loved her dearly and once my father realised this she vanished.
Well, I should have known better, right?
K.
2 January 1890
Dearest Kyuhyun
It was not your father who separated us, but our own carelessness.
Had we not become reckless, no one would have ever found out. We should have known that we could never keep the true nature of our friendship a secret at a boarding school. We should have known, we did know, and yet we did not care at all.
That summer all that mattered was the power of our own desires, needs and wants. Driven by that alone, we let our emotions take over our actions.
But it was not the headmaster or my father or yours who separated us.
It was you.
You alone were responsible for it all. I see it so clearly now and I wish … I wish. I just wish and I will keep wishing for the rest of my life that you could see it my way just once, that you could see where you have gone wrong.
But it is not in your nature to see your own shortcomings and I would not want it to be any other way. You must be like this for me, Kyuhyun. You must be strong, cold and beautiful or I would die.
Stay my happiest memory forever, cold one.
I will love you forever
Z.
12 January 1890
Are you trying to say goodbye?
K.
14 February 1890
Don’t you dare leave me without another word!
13 March 1890
Beloved Zhoumi
Yes, I do love you. I see no point in denying it any longer, in trying to write so no one beside us would understand. Does it matter to you if anyone knows? It certainly does not matter to me.
It has taken me many years to come to term with everything that has happened. I understand what you were trying to say in your last letter. I was not ready for your love back then and this is why it could not work and why it all fell apart in the end.
I was cold.
But can I be cold with you loving me still after all this time? Can I hide behind my crossed arms and glare at the world when there is still someone who does not hate me? Someone like you, who would do anything for me.
You still would do everything for me, right? You would come to me and say that you would have loved me anyway, that you would do it all the same, that there’s not a second you would change. Right? That is what you would do if I asked you to.
Please, Mimi. Forgive me, just this once, and come to me. I need you or I will die.
Forever Yours
Kyuhyun
11 April 1890
Beloved Zhoumi
Have I lost you after all these years? Have I truly lost my ray of sun in a grey world of winter and snow and bare-branched trees?
Please, Zhoumi. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you! I won’t! I need you more than anything and I am truly sorry for everything, for every time I should have kissed you and did not, for every caress I did not return, for every smile I denied you, my beautiful.
I am begging you now, forgive me and I promise I can change. I will change for you alone and there will be hope and sunshine and whatever the hell you want! There will be! Just wait and see!
I cannot go back and rewrite history for you, but if I could I would make it so that you would have never met me in the first place. I would want you to be free to go and do whatever you want. I would not want you to carry the memories of our past in your heart as a burden.
But I cannot.
Just know that on the day of the hay you left a memory of you inside of me. And it’s growing and soon it will be a flower big enough to devour me whole.
Desperately in love and Forever Yours
Cho Kyuhyun
24 July 1890
Dear Mr Cho Kyuhyun
We regret to inform you that Mr Zhoumi does no longer live in our pension. Unfortunately he did not leave an address with us.
We kindly request that you no longer send letters to this address since, as you can see, it is absolutely useless to do so.
Yours faithfully
The Riverside Pension
P.S. Please find enclosed all of your letters dating back from 12 February 1890.
Band: Super Junior
Pairing: Mixian
Rating: R
Disclaimer: See my user info; also, parts of this fic were inspired by 'Kaze to Ki no Uta', 'I would have loved you anyway' by Trisha Yearwood and 'I Don't Remember' by Peter Gabriel.
Description: AU. A series of letters exchanged between Zhoumi and Kyuhyun, the star-crossed lovers.
17 August 1887
Dearest Kyuhyun
First of all, please forgive me for not writing sooner.
It has been a long time since we last saw each other. The leaves were just turning orange when our paths separated forever, but I can still see you standing in front of the gates, your arms crossed over your chest. It is this gesture that I recall whenever I’m trying to think of your sweet face.
‘Why is he trying to shut out the entire world?’ I used to ask myself back when I didn’t know you as well as I do now.
Yours arms, which have held me so many times, are keeping me out now and I do not know what to do. Will you ever believe me when I say it is not my fault that I could not stay, that I unable to stay, but unwilling to leave?
Do not shut me out any longer.
Forever yours
Zhoumi
29 September 1887
Dearest Kyuhyun
I trust my letter must have reached you safely by now. Is it that you are not willing to reply or is there anything keeping you back? Surely they would not keep you from replying to a letter. Surely they would not keep the letter from you. Surely they would not do anything to you at all.
Still, I am worrying about you all of the time. I cannot focus on my daily chores, cannot pretend to be happy when I know you might not be.
Oh, Kyuhyun, please let me know if you are well. You do not have to write anything else. Just let me know if you are all right so I may sleep again at night.
Every day seems the same; it’s like everything is covered in grey ash and every bite of food and every sip of wine is poisoned by it. At night when I am exhausted from going through another day of torture I toss and turn, but never find sleep.
I miss you.
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
24 December 1888
I have nothing to say to you.
K.
12 March 1888
Dearest Kyuhyun
I have not written in a long time. You probably do not care either way, but I have decided to write one last time. I want you to remember what we used to have and if only so you can forget about it completely - like I will have to do.
Do you remember how it all started? Sometimes it feels like it was ages ago when I first saw you, standing in front of the door to our room, arms crossed over your chest. You did not want me any more than I wanted anything to do with you - at first.
Do you remember now?
Ah, it is too painful. I will need to stop now.
Forever yours
Zhoumi
27 May 1888
I don’t remember, I don’t recall, I have no memory of anything at all.
Once you bought me a pair of new shoes because I had lost one of mine. I found it in your old wardrobe. Have you stolen it? Or were you planning to re-enact a scene of Cinderella with me? I am still pondering these questions every single day, out of lack for anything better to do with my time.
Ryeowook graduated last spring. He followed Donghae to London. What will become of them? That’s a question I’m not particularly interested in, but I keep wondering anyway.
Life has become a boring ordeal that I would end if only I had the strength to get up and open the window to let in the warm breeze of late spring.
It was in the hay, wasn’t it? That was when you lost your innocence to the lion. Poor little doe. I might have killed you if you had not given me the most blissful afternoon of my life.
K.
12 June 1888
Dearest Kyuhyun
It was in the hay. You were lying under me, your face peaceful and your arms wide open. I was shivering when I felt your fingers trailing down my spine, but you would not let me go. I was a prisoner of the desire you sparked in me with every glance, every fleeting touch.
The hay was tickling my legs as I moved over you, catching your sweet lips in a kiss.
I had never kissed you before that, knowing that you were not interested in such tender gestures.
This time you just looked up at me, your hand lightly resting on the back of my neck, and said: “Do what you want with me.”
I wonder, how many times have you said these words so far? And to whom? Ah, Kyuhyun, I will never forget this afternoon or you. You were smiling at me, so wild and young and free as you pulled me in your embrace.
You felt so delicate beneath me and I was scared to hurt you with either my weight or any words I would have liked to utter. So I steadied myself on my arms and said nothing.
The sunlight filtering through the latches of the barn painted intricate patterns on your pale face. For a moment you looked almost warm and your sweet lips were curled in a smile so beautiful it made my heart ache.
And then your lips were seeking mine in a kiss that tasted of sorrow and chocolate.
I held you as our world broke apart, spinning out of sight in an insane circle of darkness and specks of sunlight dancing behind my closed eyelids.
And I knew if only I could hold you tight right now I could manage to hold on to you forever. But you slipped out of my arms and went outside to smoke a cigarette.
I lay down; the hay was still warm from your body heat and I cried because it was not your body that was warming me. As the cigarette smoke drifted upwards, burning my nostrils, I realised I had lost you.
You wouldn’t have understood my sadness, so I wiped off the tears and went to seek you out another time. I knew that was what you wanted and when could I ever deny you anything?
Oh, my beloved, give me peace or set me free.
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
24 August 1888
Donghae is reading physics now. What a fool.
K.
9 November 1889
Dearest Kyuhyun
Please forgive me for not writing sooner. I have been very busy. I am now officially a Doctor of Medicine, ready, willing and able to save lives. I am wondering if this is a goal worth fighting for. I was not able to save you.
Finding out your new address was hard. I had to bribe a couple of people.
Why am I doing this? Would you even care if I stopped writing?
Forever Yours
Zhoumi
11 December 1889
It was hot on that day. I remember that more than anything else. Your body felt even hotter against mine, but inside I was cold, frozen like one of those ice angel statues we had at my father’s home for Christmas parties.
I held on to you, wanting your warmth so much, needing it more than anything. You were eager to please and so very beautiful in that fragile moment when the world around us was torn, broken, ravaged by something infinitely more powerful than either of us was.
We weren’t special as individuals; a brat and a teacher’s pet. Together we were something.
At the same time I was scared of you. How could it be that someone so insignificant could wield such power over me? I needed to get away from you as quickly as possible, catch my breath and think.
But when you took me that second time outside the barn I knew I could never let go. And I hated you for it, for being my only weakness.
When I was a child I had a cat. It was just a stray, not beautiful or cuddly like the pet cats some of the neighbours kept. I loved her dearly and once my father realised this she vanished.
Well, I should have known better, right?
K.
2 January 1890
Dearest Kyuhyun
It was not your father who separated us, but our own carelessness.
Had we not become reckless, no one would have ever found out. We should have known that we could never keep the true nature of our friendship a secret at a boarding school. We should have known, we did know, and yet we did not care at all.
That summer all that mattered was the power of our own desires, needs and wants. Driven by that alone, we let our emotions take over our actions.
But it was not the headmaster or my father or yours who separated us.
It was you.
You alone were responsible for it all. I see it so clearly now and I wish … I wish. I just wish and I will keep wishing for the rest of my life that you could see it my way just once, that you could see where you have gone wrong.
But it is not in your nature to see your own shortcomings and I would not want it to be any other way. You must be like this for me, Kyuhyun. You must be strong, cold and beautiful or I would die.
Stay my happiest memory forever, cold one.
I will love you forever
Z.
12 January 1890
Are you trying to say goodbye?
K.
14 February 1890
Don’t you dare leave me without another word!
13 March 1890
Beloved Zhoumi
Yes, I do love you. I see no point in denying it any longer, in trying to write so no one beside us would understand. Does it matter to you if anyone knows? It certainly does not matter to me.
It has taken me many years to come to term with everything that has happened. I understand what you were trying to say in your last letter. I was not ready for your love back then and this is why it could not work and why it all fell apart in the end.
I was cold.
But can I be cold with you loving me still after all this time? Can I hide behind my crossed arms and glare at the world when there is still someone who does not hate me? Someone like you, who would do anything for me.
You still would do everything for me, right? You would come to me and say that you would have loved me anyway, that you would do it all the same, that there’s not a second you would change. Right? That is what you would do if I asked you to.
Please, Mimi. Forgive me, just this once, and come to me. I need you or I will die.
Forever Yours
Kyuhyun
11 April 1890
Beloved Zhoumi
Have I lost you after all these years? Have I truly lost my ray of sun in a grey world of winter and snow and bare-branched trees?
Please, Zhoumi. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you! I won’t! I need you more than anything and I am truly sorry for everything, for every time I should have kissed you and did not, for every caress I did not return, for every smile I denied you, my beautiful.
I am begging you now, forgive me and I promise I can change. I will change for you alone and there will be hope and sunshine and whatever the hell you want! There will be! Just wait and see!
I cannot go back and rewrite history for you, but if I could I would make it so that you would have never met me in the first place. I would want you to be free to go and do whatever you want. I would not want you to carry the memories of our past in your heart as a burden.
But I cannot.
Just know that on the day of the hay you left a memory of you inside of me. And it’s growing and soon it will be a flower big enough to devour me whole.
Desperately in love and Forever Yours
Cho Kyuhyun
24 July 1890
Dear Mr Cho Kyuhyun
We regret to inform you that Mr Zhoumi does no longer live in our pension. Unfortunately he did not leave an address with us.
We kindly request that you no longer send letters to this address since, as you can see, it is absolutely useless to do so.
Yours faithfully
The Riverside Pension
P.S. Please find enclosed all of your letters dating back from 12 February 1890.