[fic]
Title: Dies Irae
Bands: Super Junior; DBSK
Pairings: Hyukhae; past/broken Hyuksu
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: See my user info
Summary: Hyukjae is with Donghae now, but he just can't forget about the lover of his past.
“It shouldn’t be like this!“ Donghae yelled, his hands moving in expressive gestures, cutting through the air like knives. “I don’t know much about love or God or whatever, but I know loving another shouldn’t feel like this!“
Hyukjae didn’t reply, simply shrugged at the accusations hidden behind Donghae’s words. It wasn’t like this was their first discussion of this sort.
“You know ... I never promised you forever,“ he whispered. “He’s the other half of me, you know? You could never be that, Donghae.“
He knows how much his words have to sting, but he cannot take them back, not even for Donghae’s sake. Seeing the shadows in and under his lover’s eyes hurts, though. He never meant to place them there with words or actions. It was all in the name of ...
“Junsu doesn’t know the meaning of love,“ Donghae snapped, tears welling up in his eyes as he glared at Hyukjae, knowing he’d lost the other a long time ago, but unable and unwilling to see him go. “Don’t you know what everybody else is aware of? That he’s fucking Yoochun whenever he gets a chance to and-“
“Shut up.“
Hyukjae recognised the truth and desperate honesty behind his lover’s words, but he could not accept them. Not yet while he could still cling to his hope and dreams like a sailor to a piece of wood drifting on the deep blue waves of the ocean.
“You know it’s true,“ Donghae whispered and Hyukjae realised that the other hurt as much for Hyukjae as he hurt for his own sake.
“What do you know?“ Hyukjae snarled, his friendly face crunched up in a mask of pain and hatred. “You were never part of our group, sweetie. You used to run to Yunho for comfort whenever we teased you. You never understood me the way Junsu did so what do you want from me now? Another fuck? Another I love you when both you and I know it’s a fucking lie?“
Finally the tears fell, covering Donghae’s pale cheeks and it wasn’t so much Hyukjae’s words, but the fact that Donghae just knew they weren’t true. All of their relationship couldn’t have been a lie. They had been friends long before they’d become something more. That couldn’t be a lie, it just couldn’t.
Hyukjae felt his own eyes hurt from unshed tears, but he willed them away for now. He would need all of his power if he truly meant to go through with this.
“I know you love me,“ Donghae whispered, wrapping his arms to shield himself from any more coldness Hyukjae wanted to deliver. “This is just ... an interruption.“
“Listen, baby,“ Hyukjae growled, leaning in close enough so that Donghae must feel his breath on his tear-stained skin. “You don’t mean anything to me. You’re just a replacement for something I’ve had before and will have again. Got that?“
How long would he have to keep telling himself before he finally believed in the words himself?
“What is he to you really?“ Donghae whispered. “An absolution people like us can’t possibly hope for?“
“He’s an angel sent here for me.“
“Maybe there is a God above, but not for me,“ Donghae whispered, wiping his eyes against the next onslaught of tears.
Suddenly he felt his own hand covered by Hyukjae’s and something akin to his lover’s former adoration shone in his eyes. “If only I’d met you before, Donghae.“ He gently brushed away a tear with his thumb. “If only I could accept what you have to offer me. I’d be a happy man.“
“You can.“
“At the expensive of your happiness, baby. Because I could never love you back the way you love me. Not ... after him.“
Donghae was trembling as he looked back at Hyukjae. “What has he done to you, Hyukjae? How can one man hold so much power over another?“
“That’s the pot calling the kettle black.“
“I’ve had you for three years,“ Donghae replied softly. “I’ve had you in sickness and in health. You two never had each other because he has never wanted you the way you wanted him.“
“That doesn’t make sense at all and you’re contradicting yourself.“
“I know. But I guess life doesn’t need to make sense to hurt.“ Donghae leaned forward into the embrace of the only man he’d ever loved and would love until the world stopped turning. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.“
“Me, too. More than you’ll ever know.“
Hyukjae held the other’s petite body close to his, feeling Donghae’s heart so close to his. But he knew this path wasn’t meant for him, would never be his.
And so it ended, much in the same way as it had begun all those years ago; two lonely men seeking comfort in the arms of the wrong person.
Fin.
A/N: >_> I'm looking for a new RPing partner, namely a Hyukjae. Could anybody help me out?
Bands: Super Junior; DBSK
Pairings: Hyukhae; past/broken Hyuksu
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: See my user info
Summary: Hyukjae is with Donghae now, but he just can't forget about the lover of his past.
“It shouldn’t be like this!“ Donghae yelled, his hands moving in expressive gestures, cutting through the air like knives. “I don’t know much about love or God or whatever, but I know loving another shouldn’t feel like this!“
Hyukjae didn’t reply, simply shrugged at the accusations hidden behind Donghae’s words. It wasn’t like this was their first discussion of this sort.
“You know ... I never promised you forever,“ he whispered. “He’s the other half of me, you know? You could never be that, Donghae.“
He knows how much his words have to sting, but he cannot take them back, not even for Donghae’s sake. Seeing the shadows in and under his lover’s eyes hurts, though. He never meant to place them there with words or actions. It was all in the name of ...
“Junsu doesn’t know the meaning of love,“ Donghae snapped, tears welling up in his eyes as he glared at Hyukjae, knowing he’d lost the other a long time ago, but unable and unwilling to see him go. “Don’t you know what everybody else is aware of? That he’s fucking Yoochun whenever he gets a chance to and-“
“Shut up.“
Hyukjae recognised the truth and desperate honesty behind his lover’s words, but he could not accept them. Not yet while he could still cling to his hope and dreams like a sailor to a piece of wood drifting on the deep blue waves of the ocean.
“You know it’s true,“ Donghae whispered and Hyukjae realised that the other hurt as much for Hyukjae as he hurt for his own sake.
“What do you know?“ Hyukjae snarled, his friendly face crunched up in a mask of pain and hatred. “You were never part of our group, sweetie. You used to run to Yunho for comfort whenever we teased you. You never understood me the way Junsu did so what do you want from me now? Another fuck? Another I love you when both you and I know it’s a fucking lie?“
Finally the tears fell, covering Donghae’s pale cheeks and it wasn’t so much Hyukjae’s words, but the fact that Donghae just knew they weren’t true. All of their relationship couldn’t have been a lie. They had been friends long before they’d become something more. That couldn’t be a lie, it just couldn’t.
Hyukjae felt his own eyes hurt from unshed tears, but he willed them away for now. He would need all of his power if he truly meant to go through with this.
“I know you love me,“ Donghae whispered, wrapping his arms to shield himself from any more coldness Hyukjae wanted to deliver. “This is just ... an interruption.“
“Listen, baby,“ Hyukjae growled, leaning in close enough so that Donghae must feel his breath on his tear-stained skin. “You don’t mean anything to me. You’re just a replacement for something I’ve had before and will have again. Got that?“
How long would he have to keep telling himself before he finally believed in the words himself?
“What is he to you really?“ Donghae whispered. “An absolution people like us can’t possibly hope for?“
“He’s an angel sent here for me.“
“Maybe there is a God above, but not for me,“ Donghae whispered, wiping his eyes against the next onslaught of tears.
Suddenly he felt his own hand covered by Hyukjae’s and something akin to his lover’s former adoration shone in his eyes. “If only I’d met you before, Donghae.“ He gently brushed away a tear with his thumb. “If only I could accept what you have to offer me. I’d be a happy man.“
“You can.“
“At the expensive of your happiness, baby. Because I could never love you back the way you love me. Not ... after him.“
Donghae was trembling as he looked back at Hyukjae. “What has he done to you, Hyukjae? How can one man hold so much power over another?“
“That’s the pot calling the kettle black.“
“I’ve had you for three years,“ Donghae replied softly. “I’ve had you in sickness and in health. You two never had each other because he has never wanted you the way you wanted him.“
“That doesn’t make sense at all and you’re contradicting yourself.“
“I know. But I guess life doesn’t need to make sense to hurt.“ Donghae leaned forward into the embrace of the only man he’d ever loved and would love until the world stopped turning. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.“
“Me, too. More than you’ll ever know.“
Hyukjae held the other’s petite body close to his, feeling Donghae’s heart so close to his. But he knew this path wasn’t meant for him, would never be his.
And so it ended, much in the same way as it had begun all those years ago; two lonely men seeking comfort in the arms of the wrong person.
Fin.
A/N: >_> I'm looking for a new RPing partner, namely a Hyukjae. Could anybody help me out?