[fic] Childish ---> Edit: 100th entry!
Title: Childish
Pairing: Kangteuk
Band: SUJU
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: See my info page.
Summary: After an argument with the entire band Kangin feels unloved. But not even Eeteuk can change anything about that.
The shadows grew longer and longer as the sun made its way behind the house where Kangin could no longer see it.
He hadn’t expected to see anyone, but he was still disappointed that no one had come to check on him. He was aware of the fact that they expected him to be able to deal with this on his own, but it still didn’t seem fair. To his surprise he felt tears well up in his eyes. The pressure behind his eyes, the warmth of salty water didn’t seem familiar. Maybe that was because he didn’t cry very often. They’d called him childish, but he wasn’t acting like a kid, he thought. He wasn’t the one pretending not to cry. Like certain overly cute, overly sensitive band members.
Suddenly the door opened and Eeteuk walked in, looking more fragile than ever. No, Kangin wasn’t a child because he’d always known their leader needed him, needed his shoulder to cry on and his arms to support him when he was about to fall.
The shadows on the carpet matched the ones under Eeteuk’s eyes and when Kangin realised that he was the reason for his lover’s fatigue he bit back his tears. He couldn’t do much about his puffy eyes or the few crystalline drops on his hands, but he wasn’t willing to let Eeteuk see anything else.
“I’m sorry,“ Eeteuk murmured and sat down on the chair beside Kangin’s bed, folding his small hands in front of his belly.
“For what?“
Just that. Even those couple of words took all Kangin’s self composure, but he wasn’t crying. That was good.
“For not coming sooner.“ Eeteuk sighed softly. “For not standing up for you. I should have, but you know how Sungmin is.“
Yes, Kangin knew that all too well, but he couldn’t help the teasing; it was part of his personality, deeply ingrained. Shouldn’t the others have known? Or didn’t they care?
“It’s okay,“ Kangin finally muttered.
There was little else he could say without making Eeteuk worry even more. No, Kangin wasn’t childish. He did notice every single little change in Eeteuk’s mood and acted accordingly.
“It’s not,“ Eeteuk hissed and Kangin looked up for the first time. “I talked to Heechul and he agreed that Kyuhyun and the others totally blew this out of proportion. We know how you are, baby, and it’s okay. We love you anyway.“
Snorting at this, Kangin finally looked up fully, his eyes blazing with something akin to fury. “Oh, so you love me anyway? Despite all my silly antics and, how did they put it again? Completely idiotic, despicable behaviour towards the sweetest person imaginable?“
Eeteuk looked like he’d been slapped, but for once Kangin couldn’t bring himself to apologise or even feel regret for his words. He knew he’d meant them - like they’d meant theirs.
“They didn’t-“ Eeteuk began, his slender fingers trembling.
“They did.“
And they both knew it was true. Enveloped by the shadows of evening, Kangin finally found the strength to admit it to himself and he was almost certain Eeteuk felt the same way.
It was easy to mistake Kangin for a gentle giant, who felt little pain. His physical strength and easy going nature made it easy for people to come to that conclusion and it was true to a certain extent. Kangin knew how to take a blow and a joke, but he wasn’t immune to pain, thank you very much.
And most of all he felt hurt by Eeteuk’s pain, whenever it chose to surface from the depths of his heart.
“I love you,“ Eeteuk whispered. “You know that. But ... there are ... there are duties I have to perform! I couldn’t just let this go because Sungmin felt hurt by what you said.“
“Oh please, Teukie.“ Kangin never used his lover’s stage name or any variations on the theme, but this time he wanted to. He wanted to hurt someone they way he’d been hurt and he might as well start by dropping intimate pet names such as ‘baby‘. “We both know Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s ‘relationship‘ is being promoted for a reason. It’s cute, it’s nice, it’s pink. Whatever. It was a joke!“
“He felt hurt by that joke because he’s straight and he’s having a hard time showing that to the public. He isn’t seen as manly usually and we, the band, are the only ones who ... who should know.“
Kangin couldn’t see Eeteuk’s face, but he didn’t need to. He was familiar with every single square centimetre, every mole, every dimple. He knew that the corners of Eeteuk’s sensitive mouth would point downward now, that his bottom lip would tremble with emotion, but he wouldn’t kiss him this time. Maybe never again.
“It was mean,“ Eeteuk tried again. “But they’re gonna apologise! I’ll make sure and-“
“They shouldn’t have to apologise for the truth,“ Kangin replied gently. “I know I’m a childish idiot and-“
“Would you please shut up?“ Eeteuk hissed. “It’s not true! It’s just not true and you shouldn’t say such things about yourself! You’re the best of me. Every time I see you, hear you ... feel you ... I feel so elated that you chose to be with me. That’s all I can say and all I know. I’m sorry if it’s not enough.“
With that Eeteuk got up and opened the door to the room. He hesitated for a moment, but Kangin didn’t get up. He just remained sitting, staring out of the window.
The sun was gone now.
They both knew Kangin would come back out of his inner snail shell sooner or later. He’d have dinner with them, play with them ... but part of Eeteuk knew something between them had broken never to be repaired again.
He stepped out of the room and closed the door behind himself, sliding down toward the floor.
Both men cried, one inside, one outside and that was how it had always been and always would be.
EDIT: Since this is my 100th entry in this journal I'd like to celebrate with everyone! :D You may request a ficlet with any pairing within any fandom I write. Just make sure to tell me what you expect of the story. ^_^
Pairing: Kangteuk
Band: SUJU
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: See my info page.
Summary: After an argument with the entire band Kangin feels unloved. But not even Eeteuk can change anything about that.
The shadows grew longer and longer as the sun made its way behind the house where Kangin could no longer see it.
He hadn’t expected to see anyone, but he was still disappointed that no one had come to check on him. He was aware of the fact that they expected him to be able to deal with this on his own, but it still didn’t seem fair. To his surprise he felt tears well up in his eyes. The pressure behind his eyes, the warmth of salty water didn’t seem familiar. Maybe that was because he didn’t cry very often. They’d called him childish, but he wasn’t acting like a kid, he thought. He wasn’t the one pretending not to cry. Like certain overly cute, overly sensitive band members.
Suddenly the door opened and Eeteuk walked in, looking more fragile than ever. No, Kangin wasn’t a child because he’d always known their leader needed him, needed his shoulder to cry on and his arms to support him when he was about to fall.
The shadows on the carpet matched the ones under Eeteuk’s eyes and when Kangin realised that he was the reason for his lover’s fatigue he bit back his tears. He couldn’t do much about his puffy eyes or the few crystalline drops on his hands, but he wasn’t willing to let Eeteuk see anything else.
“I’m sorry,“ Eeteuk murmured and sat down on the chair beside Kangin’s bed, folding his small hands in front of his belly.
“For what?“
Just that. Even those couple of words took all Kangin’s self composure, but he wasn’t crying. That was good.
“For not coming sooner.“ Eeteuk sighed softly. “For not standing up for you. I should have, but you know how Sungmin is.“
Yes, Kangin knew that all too well, but he couldn’t help the teasing; it was part of his personality, deeply ingrained. Shouldn’t the others have known? Or didn’t they care?
“It’s okay,“ Kangin finally muttered.
There was little else he could say without making Eeteuk worry even more. No, Kangin wasn’t childish. He did notice every single little change in Eeteuk’s mood and acted accordingly.
“It’s not,“ Eeteuk hissed and Kangin looked up for the first time. “I talked to Heechul and he agreed that Kyuhyun and the others totally blew this out of proportion. We know how you are, baby, and it’s okay. We love you anyway.“
Snorting at this, Kangin finally looked up fully, his eyes blazing with something akin to fury. “Oh, so you love me anyway? Despite all my silly antics and, how did they put it again? Completely idiotic, despicable behaviour towards the sweetest person imaginable?“
Eeteuk looked like he’d been slapped, but for once Kangin couldn’t bring himself to apologise or even feel regret for his words. He knew he’d meant them - like they’d meant theirs.
“They didn’t-“ Eeteuk began, his slender fingers trembling.
“They did.“
And they both knew it was true. Enveloped by the shadows of evening, Kangin finally found the strength to admit it to himself and he was almost certain Eeteuk felt the same way.
It was easy to mistake Kangin for a gentle giant, who felt little pain. His physical strength and easy going nature made it easy for people to come to that conclusion and it was true to a certain extent. Kangin knew how to take a blow and a joke, but he wasn’t immune to pain, thank you very much.
And most of all he felt hurt by Eeteuk’s pain, whenever it chose to surface from the depths of his heart.
“I love you,“ Eeteuk whispered. “You know that. But ... there are ... there are duties I have to perform! I couldn’t just let this go because Sungmin felt hurt by what you said.“
“Oh please, Teukie.“ Kangin never used his lover’s stage name or any variations on the theme, but this time he wanted to. He wanted to hurt someone they way he’d been hurt and he might as well start by dropping intimate pet names such as ‘baby‘. “We both know Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s ‘relationship‘ is being promoted for a reason. It’s cute, it’s nice, it’s pink. Whatever. It was a joke!“
“He felt hurt by that joke because he’s straight and he’s having a hard time showing that to the public. He isn’t seen as manly usually and we, the band, are the only ones who ... who should know.“
Kangin couldn’t see Eeteuk’s face, but he didn’t need to. He was familiar with every single square centimetre, every mole, every dimple. He knew that the corners of Eeteuk’s sensitive mouth would point downward now, that his bottom lip would tremble with emotion, but he wouldn’t kiss him this time. Maybe never again.
“It was mean,“ Eeteuk tried again. “But they’re gonna apologise! I’ll make sure and-“
“They shouldn’t have to apologise for the truth,“ Kangin replied gently. “I know I’m a childish idiot and-“
“Would you please shut up?“ Eeteuk hissed. “It’s not true! It’s just not true and you shouldn’t say such things about yourself! You’re the best of me. Every time I see you, hear you ... feel you ... I feel so elated that you chose to be with me. That’s all I can say and all I know. I’m sorry if it’s not enough.“
With that Eeteuk got up and opened the door to the room. He hesitated for a moment, but Kangin didn’t get up. He just remained sitting, staring out of the window.
The sun was gone now.
They both knew Kangin would come back out of his inner snail shell sooner or later. He’d have dinner with them, play with them ... but part of Eeteuk knew something between them had broken never to be repaired again.
He stepped out of the room and closed the door behind himself, sliding down toward the floor.
Both men cried, one inside, one outside and that was how it had always been and always would be.
EDIT: Since this is my 100th entry in this journal I'd like to celebrate with everyone! :D You may request a ficlet with any pairing within any fandom I write. Just make sure to tell me what you expect of the story. ^_^