An Ode to the Un-named
(Even though you know who you are, and even though you may never read this, I wrote this a few months ago and feel it necesarry to put up.)
I wake up and open my eyes to blink a few times and focus on the beams on the ceiling above my couch. I lift my head to look at the alarm clock subtly placed on the tacky pine side table next to the couch even though I don't need to because I already know the time. It's 2:30. The same time I've woken up at for the past week because I keep having dreams of you and hate it so I wake up to stare at the ceiling and lay on the couch where we spent so much time. I can't help but resent the fact that there are ghosts of you in every room of this house as well as the treehouse, the trampoline and my car. You have finally become inescapable. Although I would never tell you this, I'm sure you would find some pleasure in knowing this. So with all these ghosts of you and pieces of the past around all I can do for the next four hours until the sun comes up and I can run is rehash every mistake we ever made because for some reason I'm not downstairs with you breathing next to me so I'm forced to map where we went wrong. So I go back to the beginning. The beginning where I ran from you and you followed. We were such different people back then. My pain was a novelty to you as you gallantly tried to kiss it better. I spent so much time telling myself I didn't need you and I didn't care that I started to believe it. And you did too. So you stopped trying to chisel away at the brick walls I spent so much time building and did the noble thing. You gave up. In my self absorbed splendor it took a month to notice you stopped but when I did I felt this unrecognizable feeling that I now know as regret. And I realized then I did care about you. But by that time, we had both realized neither of us were the same. The thing both of us were too blind to see was that we really hadn't changed. We had both just rebuilt walls. And that's ultimately where it ended, or didn't end. How could it? You were my best friend. So we both went on feeling these feelings about eachother, only you were brave enough to say what you felt. And I started pretending I didn't care again. I would never tell you this but I kept the flowers you gave me on Valentines Day when you took me to the zoo and the cd you made me with the song you wrote me in a shoebox under the bed and sometimes when I really miss you I go downstairs and look at it instead of calling you. You're the only first kiss I remember and the only one I want to forget. I'd like to think I love you but realize I haven't changed enough to allow that and probably never will. If you got married to someone else I would probably show up at your wedding and call the bride a bitch, blame it on the Cosmo's but really mean it. Maybe someday we'll be together but for now we have too much baggage. I'd never tell you this but at 3:30 in the morning I would rather be running five miles in the rain to your house than sitting here thinking about you and looking at the shadows the TV casts on the ceiling, despite how entirely entertaining it can be. And I miss you. I'm hoping the sayings true that it's not the journey, it's the destination because if so it won't matter how much I screwed up along the way as long as we end up together. And maybe I do deserve you, and I'll hit my head really hard and forget I ever didn't believe in love.
And you'll wait for me until I'm ready.
Even though it's only five, I decide to go running because it's routine in my world of spontanaeity and it reminds me that if we can will our heart to beat faster or slower, then we can will it to stop beating completely.
(END)
-Kick
I wake up and open my eyes to blink a few times and focus on the beams on the ceiling above my couch. I lift my head to look at the alarm clock subtly placed on the tacky pine side table next to the couch even though I don't need to because I already know the time. It's 2:30. The same time I've woken up at for the past week because I keep having dreams of you and hate it so I wake up to stare at the ceiling and lay on the couch where we spent so much time. I can't help but resent the fact that there are ghosts of you in every room of this house as well as the treehouse, the trampoline and my car. You have finally become inescapable. Although I would never tell you this, I'm sure you would find some pleasure in knowing this. So with all these ghosts of you and pieces of the past around all I can do for the next four hours until the sun comes up and I can run is rehash every mistake we ever made because for some reason I'm not downstairs with you breathing next to me so I'm forced to map where we went wrong. So I go back to the beginning. The beginning where I ran from you and you followed. We were such different people back then. My pain was a novelty to you as you gallantly tried to kiss it better. I spent so much time telling myself I didn't need you and I didn't care that I started to believe it. And you did too. So you stopped trying to chisel away at the brick walls I spent so much time building and did the noble thing. You gave up. In my self absorbed splendor it took a month to notice you stopped but when I did I felt this unrecognizable feeling that I now know as regret. And I realized then I did care about you. But by that time, we had both realized neither of us were the same. The thing both of us were too blind to see was that we really hadn't changed. We had both just rebuilt walls. And that's ultimately where it ended, or didn't end. How could it? You were my best friend. So we both went on feeling these feelings about eachother, only you were brave enough to say what you felt. And I started pretending I didn't care again. I would never tell you this but I kept the flowers you gave me on Valentines Day when you took me to the zoo and the cd you made me with the song you wrote me in a shoebox under the bed and sometimes when I really miss you I go downstairs and look at it instead of calling you. You're the only first kiss I remember and the only one I want to forget. I'd like to think I love you but realize I haven't changed enough to allow that and probably never will. If you got married to someone else I would probably show up at your wedding and call the bride a bitch, blame it on the Cosmo's but really mean it. Maybe someday we'll be together but for now we have too much baggage. I'd never tell you this but at 3:30 in the morning I would rather be running five miles in the rain to your house than sitting here thinking about you and looking at the shadows the TV casts on the ceiling, despite how entirely entertaining it can be. And I miss you. I'm hoping the sayings true that it's not the journey, it's the destination because if so it won't matter how much I screwed up along the way as long as we end up together. And maybe I do deserve you, and I'll hit my head really hard and forget I ever didn't believe in love.
And you'll wait for me until I'm ready.
Even though it's only five, I decide to go running because it's routine in my world of spontanaeity and it reminds me that if we can will our heart to beat faster or slower, then we can will it to stop beating completely.
(END)
-Kick