There must be something more than this
9th may 2004
I’m meant to be doing violin practice right now, but im doin this instead, I thought I should seein as I haven’t for soooo long. I apologise.
I started writing a really really long update all about workcamps reunion in wales, but tis out of date now and I cant b arsed to finish it. So there you go: another promise broken. I must try to remember not to make so many.
Yesterday I met Rhiannon and micky, twas really good to see rhi again. We went to the early learning centre and bought wax crayons by mistake instead of chalk, but they worked just as well, and we also bought woad (blue face paint).We wax-crayoned peace signs and pentagrams and faery boys all over the place in town, and spotted pretty people. Then we applied the wreaths that micky had made and walked down to the river and along the river, wax-crayoning as we went, till we got to the Steiner school spring fayre. On the way we passed katy hawker hanging out of a window (don’t ask cos I don’t know) and encountered some townies with a dog who gave rhi a fag cos they were scared of her apparently. Then we got to the Steiner schools spring fayre and entered the world of faery…or atleast of the Steiner school, which seemed to be pretty similar.
There were plant stalls and pink blossom snow and people on stilts and juggling and a maypole and a fiddler and accordion player and drum player, and there were loadsa little pixie children who followed the fiddler etc. We followed them too and went inside, and came to this really big hall where there were such pretty crafty things and fake tattoos (of which rhi + micky bought many) and tie died tshirts + hats + a jumble stall with a pair of golden high-heeled pointy faerytale shoes, which I bought, later found out they are too small for me but im gonna wear them anyway!
We spotted pretty people and a man with really nifty orange trousers, then we watched little kiddies dancing round the maypole with flower wreaths on their heads. At that point I started trying to imagine adam cooperman doing that. I failed.
I bought candles and a plant, Rhiannon pickpocketed me, and then we had to go.
We had to go, and I gave the man in the nifty trousers one of my fabby cookies, and he gave it to one of the kiddies accompanying him.
We Walked back down to the river and looked for a place to hold our ritual, finally deciding on the place we held it last time we did a ritual at the river. Rhi got stung by nettles. We did our ritual, choked on the undiluted elderflower cordial that micky hadn’t brought water to dilute with, watched a bee die in the hot candlewax and gave it a proper burial and ate my yummy spicy cookies with chilli powder in and yummy strawberries that micky brought.
We walked back to mickys via rowntrees park, spotting dozza on the way and introducing Rhiannon to him, and we rode on the unicorn that should have bin made of copper but wasnt.
Got back to mickys, wnt on comp, I was sleepy so got given coffeeeeeeeeeeee yay!!! We looked at brian froud books and other feary books and ate yummy food and the others drank herbal tea…I jus had coffeeeee. We went out to rent a video (the labyrinth) and me + rhi saw Julia binns in the video renting place. Typically, her name tag said Fran…
Got back to mickys…I cant remember what order we did things in, but I know we listened to some music, ate some yummy feta cheese + spinach pizza that we always seem to have at mickys, watched videos, went on comp, ate more junk food, drank more coffeeeeeee + herbal tea, talked to Marcus on comp + drooled over piccies of him naked (but you could only see down to his hips) damn you micky…Listened to more music…watched more videos…drooled over david bowie in skintight trousers…We ended up watchin romeo + juliet (the new version) bfore we went to sleep, and we didn’t finish it, but watched the rest in the mornin.
We were all three of us sleeping on a big mattress in the front room, with a big duvet that wasn’t quite big enough since I didn’t seem to have very much of it for most of the night! Our feet stuck out the end + we were all squashed up + twas funfunfun…we were hyper o course and we poked each other. Eventually we went to sleep.
Woke up at boy 9ish, + mickys mum brought tea for micky + rhi + coffeeeeeeeeee for me (by that time she had evidently become aware of my obsession and dependence on it to keep awake at sleepovers) which was really nice of her, and we got up much more slowly than we should have done, after watchin the rest of R&J. Ate yummy strawberries + muesli for breakfast, then me + rhi left for friargate meeting, being atleast 15 mins late already.
Found our way to friargate, looked around for peepses and got told that linkies had all gone out on their bikes to do bike maintenance. (I was later told when I got home that they were actually out the back in the garden the whole time.) Sat around outside waiting for them, then rhi remembered her dad goes to friargate…shit…so yeah, we were like shit + went off to the other side of town. Sat on various walls round the minster eatin cookies, by that time we were so hungry we went into the toffee shop for a free sample. Then we went to meet Natalie, one of petes friends who rhi met on msn. I tried to ring hime but the bloody phone box was bein annoying. We spotted 2 sexy guys tho.
Met Natalie outside classix, went to buy a skirt for Natalie, then went down to Clifton to the pub her brother works in. I think. She had some connection to it anyway. Anyway it had her pretty (male) friend in it. On the way to Clifton Natalie had kept mentioning pete once in a while, + once or twice mentionin hed bin in town with her + laura (petes friends ex, who id seen when she was still goin out with petes friend) + then Natalie said pete was goin out with laura. Well I was like, FUCK. + then Natalie + rhi started talking bout summat else (after an awkward silence, Natalie goin like, oh dear, was I not supposed to say that? + rhi uttering a few more death threats for pete) + then we got to the pub, I phoned home + got told to come home, + walked back home.
Dammit. Before this I was really missing pete, like id hear a song reminding me of him + id be all argh I miss him so much, etc etc. I was still thinking of what we had, + I realise I still thought it was special, I still thought it meant something. (I was still thinking of him as ‘mine’. Now he’s not; Laura has him.) Then I found out pete had got another girlfriend, + I was like fuck the bastard, partly because it ruined my arrogant, materialistic, selfish but fun fantasy of him coming across me one day in town with a sex god (or goddess), but that’s only the small superficial part. Really it hurts because, as I said, I was still thinking of our relationship as something special. He’d said he needed me, like right up to the day we split up, and + I believed him to the extent of staying with him when I didn’t really want to, when it didn’t feel right - and then he got there first, he dumped me when I was least expecting it, when I was feeling more optimistic about it all. But also cos I now realise that it wasn’t special, that he didn’t need me, that he didn’t love me. He can have the same thing with laura, with any girl. It’s destroyed my trust in ‘true love’: even after we split up, I was thinking that it had been special, so my faith in love was intact. Now I know that there is no such thing, no such thing as true love, and in love you can trust noone. Never trust anyone when they say they love you, they need you, because even if theyre someone you think you can trust, even if theyre a really nice person, you can’t trust them.
Dammit. What hope is there now?
Hmm, rather a melodramatic entry there I thinkies. Sorry for such a depressing one. I don’t really beilieve there is no such thing as true love. I just feel…let down, that’s all. And I do feel like I cant trust anyone. I kann trust my friends, of course, but anyone else…no, not completely. Cos noone ever feels as deeply as oneself, so watch out. That’s why you can never hide too much.
10th may
Sorry for what I wrote yesterday. Depressing, yeah. It isn’t true, most of it; it’s just how I feel.
I’m meant to be doing violin practice right now, but im doin this instead, I thought I should seein as I haven’t for soooo long. I apologise.
I started writing a really really long update all about workcamps reunion in wales, but tis out of date now and I cant b arsed to finish it. So there you go: another promise broken. I must try to remember not to make so many.
Yesterday I met Rhiannon and micky, twas really good to see rhi again. We went to the early learning centre and bought wax crayons by mistake instead of chalk, but they worked just as well, and we also bought woad (blue face paint).We wax-crayoned peace signs and pentagrams and faery boys all over the place in town, and spotted pretty people. Then we applied the wreaths that micky had made and walked down to the river and along the river, wax-crayoning as we went, till we got to the Steiner school spring fayre. On the way we passed katy hawker hanging out of a window (don’t ask cos I don’t know) and encountered some townies with a dog who gave rhi a fag cos they were scared of her apparently. Then we got to the Steiner schools spring fayre and entered the world of faery…or atleast of the Steiner school, which seemed to be pretty similar.
There were plant stalls and pink blossom snow and people on stilts and juggling and a maypole and a fiddler and accordion player and drum player, and there were loadsa little pixie children who followed the fiddler etc. We followed them too and went inside, and came to this really big hall where there were such pretty crafty things and fake tattoos (of which rhi + micky bought many) and tie died tshirts + hats + a jumble stall with a pair of golden high-heeled pointy faerytale shoes, which I bought, later found out they are too small for me but im gonna wear them anyway!
We spotted pretty people and a man with really nifty orange trousers, then we watched little kiddies dancing round the maypole with flower wreaths on their heads. At that point I started trying to imagine adam cooperman doing that. I failed.
I bought candles and a plant, Rhiannon pickpocketed me, and then we had to go.
We had to go, and I gave the man in the nifty trousers one of my fabby cookies, and he gave it to one of the kiddies accompanying him.
We Walked back down to the river and looked for a place to hold our ritual, finally deciding on the place we held it last time we did a ritual at the river. Rhi got stung by nettles. We did our ritual, choked on the undiluted elderflower cordial that micky hadn’t brought water to dilute with, watched a bee die in the hot candlewax and gave it a proper burial and ate my yummy spicy cookies with chilli powder in and yummy strawberries that micky brought.
We walked back to mickys via rowntrees park, spotting dozza on the way and introducing Rhiannon to him, and we rode on the unicorn that should have bin made of copper but wasnt.
Got back to mickys, wnt on comp, I was sleepy so got given coffeeeeeeeeeeee yay!!! We looked at brian froud books and other feary books and ate yummy food and the others drank herbal tea…I jus had coffeeeee. We went out to rent a video (the labyrinth) and me + rhi saw Julia binns in the video renting place. Typically, her name tag said Fran…
Got back to mickys…I cant remember what order we did things in, but I know we listened to some music, ate some yummy feta cheese + spinach pizza that we always seem to have at mickys, watched videos, went on comp, ate more junk food, drank more coffeeeeeee + herbal tea, talked to Marcus on comp + drooled over piccies of him naked (but you could only see down to his hips) damn you micky…Listened to more music…watched more videos…drooled over david bowie in skintight trousers…We ended up watchin romeo + juliet (the new version) bfore we went to sleep, and we didn’t finish it, but watched the rest in the mornin.
We were all three of us sleeping on a big mattress in the front room, with a big duvet that wasn’t quite big enough since I didn’t seem to have very much of it for most of the night! Our feet stuck out the end + we were all squashed up + twas funfunfun…we were hyper o course and we poked each other. Eventually we went to sleep.
Woke up at boy 9ish, + mickys mum brought tea for micky + rhi + coffeeeeeeeeee for me (by that time she had evidently become aware of my obsession and dependence on it to keep awake at sleepovers) which was really nice of her, and we got up much more slowly than we should have done, after watchin the rest of R&J. Ate yummy strawberries + muesli for breakfast, then me + rhi left for friargate meeting, being atleast 15 mins late already.
Found our way to friargate, looked around for peepses and got told that linkies had all gone out on their bikes to do bike maintenance. (I was later told when I got home that they were actually out the back in the garden the whole time.) Sat around outside waiting for them, then rhi remembered her dad goes to friargate…shit…so yeah, we were like shit + went off to the other side of town. Sat on various walls round the minster eatin cookies, by that time we were so hungry we went into the toffee shop for a free sample. Then we went to meet Natalie, one of petes friends who rhi met on msn. I tried to ring hime but the bloody phone box was bein annoying. We spotted 2 sexy guys tho.
Met Natalie outside classix, went to buy a skirt for Natalie, then went down to Clifton to the pub her brother works in. I think. She had some connection to it anyway. Anyway it had her pretty (male) friend in it. On the way to Clifton Natalie had kept mentioning pete once in a while, + once or twice mentionin hed bin in town with her + laura (petes friends ex, who id seen when she was still goin out with petes friend) + then Natalie said pete was goin out with laura. Well I was like, FUCK. + then Natalie + rhi started talking bout summat else (after an awkward silence, Natalie goin like, oh dear, was I not supposed to say that? + rhi uttering a few more death threats for pete) + then we got to the pub, I phoned home + got told to come home, + walked back home.
Dammit. Before this I was really missing pete, like id hear a song reminding me of him + id be all argh I miss him so much, etc etc. I was still thinking of what we had, + I realise I still thought it was special, I still thought it meant something. (I was still thinking of him as ‘mine’. Now he’s not; Laura has him.) Then I found out pete had got another girlfriend, + I was like fuck the bastard, partly because it ruined my arrogant, materialistic, selfish but fun fantasy of him coming across me one day in town with a sex god (or goddess), but that’s only the small superficial part. Really it hurts because, as I said, I was still thinking of our relationship as something special. He’d said he needed me, like right up to the day we split up, and + I believed him to the extent of staying with him when I didn’t really want to, when it didn’t feel right - and then he got there first, he dumped me when I was least expecting it, when I was feeling more optimistic about it all. But also cos I now realise that it wasn’t special, that he didn’t need me, that he didn’t love me. He can have the same thing with laura, with any girl. It’s destroyed my trust in ‘true love’: even after we split up, I was thinking that it had been special, so my faith in love was intact. Now I know that there is no such thing, no such thing as true love, and in love you can trust noone. Never trust anyone when they say they love you, they need you, because even if theyre someone you think you can trust, even if theyre a really nice person, you can’t trust them.
Dammit. What hope is there now?
Hmm, rather a melodramatic entry there I thinkies. Sorry for such a depressing one. I don’t really beilieve there is no such thing as true love. I just feel…let down, that’s all. And I do feel like I cant trust anyone. I kann trust my friends, of course, but anyone else…no, not completely. Cos noone ever feels as deeply as oneself, so watch out. That’s why you can never hide too much.
10th may
Sorry for what I wrote yesterday. Depressing, yeah. It isn’t true, most of it; it’s just how I feel.