Love, Hate
I know I need to keep trusting, but sometimes it's just hard. At the moment I feel like nothing will work out, just more dead-ends everywhere I go. But I know God wants me to have the best life possible, so I really shouldn't worry. He will take care of me. I just get so impatient sometimes! I hate this not knowing and stress. But maybe it's just God's way of showing me that I really need to learn to trust Him and believe that He will take care of me. I will really try hard not to go on my own ways again, so as not to screw everything up. I really should have learned from my mistakes by now, but who knows. I mean, it is ME we're talking about. I can be an idiot sometimes.
I had a weird dream last night. Well, it was only half a dream really. I was half awake and I thought I saw someone in my room, in front of my door. Part of me knew that it was just my coats hanging there, since I have mistaken them for a person in the dark before as well. But no matter how I tried to see the coats there instead of a person, I couldn't, so I tried screaming. But since I was half asleep only muffled grunts came out. I was trying to tell the "person" to go away, but I don't think I actually got any real words out of my mouth. Quite funny actually. Would've been amusing for someone to watch. I think I tried sticking up my middle finger at the person as well. Not sure if I succeeded.
Tomorrow I have my psychopathology exam. Have a lot of revising left to do. It's rather interesting though. I keep finding out that I have quite a few symptoms of various mental illnesses. I am definitely rather paranoid, which goes under the delusional disorders, I think. And I think I also have quite a few personality disorders, can't remember the exact names at the moment (although I should, dammit!).
I have mixed feelings about James. Not in the normal way though. Some days I hate him, other days I really like him and miss him. Today is a day of hate. But last week when I saw him after not seeing him for a month, I cried twice, in the same day! I want to be his friend still, but I don't think I can. Forgiving someone is completely different from forgetting and pretending like nothing ever happened. He says he wants to forget about everything and just start over. Hah, easy for him to say, that would the easy way out for him. But I can't do that. I've forgiven him, I just...can't trust him at all. And what kind of a friendship would that be?
I had a weird dream last night. Well, it was only half a dream really. I was half awake and I thought I saw someone in my room, in front of my door. Part of me knew that it was just my coats hanging there, since I have mistaken them for a person in the dark before as well. But no matter how I tried to see the coats there instead of a person, I couldn't, so I tried screaming. But since I was half asleep only muffled grunts came out. I was trying to tell the "person" to go away, but I don't think I actually got any real words out of my mouth. Quite funny actually. Would've been amusing for someone to watch. I think I tried sticking up my middle finger at the person as well. Not sure if I succeeded.
Tomorrow I have my psychopathology exam. Have a lot of revising left to do. It's rather interesting though. I keep finding out that I have quite a few symptoms of various mental illnesses. I am definitely rather paranoid, which goes under the delusional disorders, I think. And I think I also have quite a few personality disorders, can't remember the exact names at the moment (although I should, dammit!).
I have mixed feelings about James. Not in the normal way though. Some days I hate him, other days I really like him and miss him. Today is a day of hate. But last week when I saw him after not seeing him for a month, I cried twice, in the same day! I want to be his friend still, but I don't think I can. Forgiving someone is completely different from forgetting and pretending like nothing ever happened. He says he wants to forget about everything and just start over. Hah, easy for him to say, that would the easy way out for him. But I can't do that. I've forgiven him, I just...can't trust him at all. And what kind of a friendship would that be?