Jordan: Preparation
I believe in God. I have my own relationship and it is not defined by the amount of times I go to church or what anyone else around me believes. Believe whatever it is you want to believe. You can be an atheist or a Baptist or Methodist. Our friendships are beyond our religious faith.
But one thing that bugs me is prayer on facebook. I don't get it. Jordan has been so sick and throughout all of this, my cousin (his sister) continually posts scriptures and begs everyone for prayers from comfort. Sure, church is a big factor in the lives of my family and that would ultimately spread over to facebook...but it just irritates me that everyone is expressing their prayers and continually saying that God will provide a miracle. The miracle is that Jordan is going to be without pain soon and he will get to see my mom. Maybe I'm just jealous a bit because I have to wait years before I get to see her and he gets to see her soon.
They've given Jordan a week at the most. Funeral arrangements are already prepped and we're to start packing. I'm not really looking forward to that. It hasn't hit me yet that I'm losing the closest thing I have to a little brother. At least not today it hasn't.
On the 26th, we drove down to spend a few hours with the grandparents. My uncle showed up and he did not stay long. Jordan cannot bare to be without his dad and panics even when my uncle gets up to go to the bathroom. Hospice has put his bed in the living room but all Jordan does is sleep. He doesn't eat anymore and the vomiting is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. Jordan wants to see no one and the family wants everyone to remember him the way he was. Jordan's parents, brother and sister are the only ones who see him. And of course, baby Faith. Jordan and Faith have a bond that is so heartbreaking that it will break. Six year old Brody has not been down to see Jordan. It is a lot harder on a young kid to see your uncle like that.
It's heartbreaking. Mostly, it is worse because I see how it affects my sister. Seeing her cry hurts my soul. It made Amy and I tear up on Monday. I love Amy. Danielle and I are the closest to her and Jordan. But Jordan and Danielle were twins growing up. Amy and I are best friends. The four of us were the Original Kids Table Gang.
And despite all of the prayers on facebook, there will be no miracle. It makes me crazy mad but it is going to happen. In truth, we just all want the pain to stop. That will be God's miracle? I wasn't mad at God when my mom died. Or maybe I was but I've come to accept the decision. But there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for Jordan to die here and now. That stupid inevitable question of "why" plagues my thoughts.
Prayers for Jordan's comfort. Prayers for my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandparents. Prayers for my sister.
This is not fair.
I love you, Jordan.
But one thing that bugs me is prayer on facebook. I don't get it. Jordan has been so sick and throughout all of this, my cousin (his sister) continually posts scriptures and begs everyone for prayers from comfort. Sure, church is a big factor in the lives of my family and that would ultimately spread over to facebook...but it just irritates me that everyone is expressing their prayers and continually saying that God will provide a miracle. The miracle is that Jordan is going to be without pain soon and he will get to see my mom. Maybe I'm just jealous a bit because I have to wait years before I get to see her and he gets to see her soon.
They've given Jordan a week at the most. Funeral arrangements are already prepped and we're to start packing. I'm not really looking forward to that. It hasn't hit me yet that I'm losing the closest thing I have to a little brother. At least not today it hasn't.
On the 26th, we drove down to spend a few hours with the grandparents. My uncle showed up and he did not stay long. Jordan cannot bare to be without his dad and panics even when my uncle gets up to go to the bathroom. Hospice has put his bed in the living room but all Jordan does is sleep. He doesn't eat anymore and the vomiting is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. Jordan wants to see no one and the family wants everyone to remember him the way he was. Jordan's parents, brother and sister are the only ones who see him. And of course, baby Faith. Jordan and Faith have a bond that is so heartbreaking that it will break. Six year old Brody has not been down to see Jordan. It is a lot harder on a young kid to see your uncle like that.
It's heartbreaking. Mostly, it is worse because I see how it affects my sister. Seeing her cry hurts my soul. It made Amy and I tear up on Monday. I love Amy. Danielle and I are the closest to her and Jordan. But Jordan and Danielle were twins growing up. Amy and I are best friends. The four of us were the Original Kids Table Gang.
And despite all of the prayers on facebook, there will be no miracle. It makes me crazy mad but it is going to happen. In truth, we just all want the pain to stop. That will be God's miracle? I wasn't mad at God when my mom died. Or maybe I was but I've come to accept the decision. But there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for Jordan to die here and now. That stupid inevitable question of "why" plagues my thoughts.
Prayers for Jordan's comfort. Prayers for my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandparents. Prayers for my sister.
This is not fair.
I love you, Jordan.