Apr 25, 2007 17:44
Now that I've decided to do a reinforcement clean up of my room, I realize that I'm hungry, and that I'm used to it. I've had more than a gobble of meat too many yesterday, and with my acidic stomach mildly acting up again, I find it oddly nostalgic.
Getting used to feeling hungry (in spite of the limitless amounts of bread and that new tub butter) takes me back to when I was 13, a chorus girl in a school production. I felt unselfish, if anything, forsaking handfuls of potato chips and oreo's paired with glasses of milk, or an extra piece of fried chicken or a forkfull of breaded fish fillet plus the male-size serving of rice.
Maybe it's my hormones, maybe it's quarter life. But in this present (and yes, prolonged) lull in my life, I've never felt so much peace.
If it is hormones, and feeling like the way I was when I was thirteen, let me just candidly say, that at my age, it's great coming into womanhood again. Crankiness and mood spells notwithstanding. Letting all that happen without restraint is the best thing. (Now I wonder what I'll be like at menopause)
The key to dealing with all that womanly crap is allowing it happen to you. The same can be said for emotions. As traumatic as it was, New Year 2005-2006 was nasty. I thought I could fight it by ignoring it so that it'll go away, the same way dogs happen to you in the middle of the road and the lady at the sari-sari store urges you not to move an inch. But it doesn't work that way. If only emotions were dogs you can ignore.
So I just let it happen. New Years 2005-06 was a battle that lasted for weeks. (Repercusions would occur months later) I'd fight the sobbing, the crying at night, pretending that the wall next to my bed is my collective family deserving every punch and every hurl. But it only felt worse. So I lay in bed there, letting the sobs wash over me, in a way educating myself as to how despair and abandonment feels so that I won't have to feel just as bad next time.
And the next time was unbelievable. Someone had to call me because I asked to be called. I needed someone to hear me. I needed someone to witness for me, to validate what I was feeling; not necessarily tell me that everything will be all right. I didn't need to know that. I knew that enough for the future. My friend didn't know what was going on. They didn't have to. It was quite the moment.
As the friend let themselves witness my willing plunge into despair, as they will themselves into hearing someone they love feel pain, it felt like they were giving me an affirmation to feel it. Like they were allowing me to go through it. Because everyone deserves to feel the way they are feeling.
despair,
love,
estrogen,
wise rambles,
god i'm so pretty,
hormones,
friends