Just checking on how this works.
Well i've been through alot of emotional changes in the past two months with the enrollment of college at The University of Houston. I miss my friends back home in San Antonio and i love the ones i just met. but i have been having a little trouble finding what i really want. i want to finish school, that is my first priority ,hence the reason i am here but, people fall into my life everyday and it is hard to please them. about a month ago i got with this beautiful guy named Zach who i just met. we went on a date which ended up with him spending the night, of course being stupid we had sex. the next day we went out to eat and when we were driving back to my dorm he asked if we were dating. hesitating a little, i said we just went on two dates (in less than 24 hours) ,then i asked i dunt know, do you want to ? he said okay and at that moment i had a boyfriend , the first one here in Houston. but before i met him i was messing around with others and i did not get to finish what i had started. when i met some of the same ones i had messed around with b4 i was with zach. we messed around again, yes i admit i cheated on him. i cheated on zach. i liked zach , he was an honest, good hearted guy who was really nice. i liked that he had an easy going personality , just like me. i felt really guilty bc he didnt deserve a cheater he deserved someone good. i told him and we broke up but i still wanted to talk to him , still wanted to at least be his friend and not lose touch with him. through the next few weeks i started to realize that i wanted him. i saw him a few times after and that made me want him more. last night on the phone i finally got the balls to tell him that i stil liked him and that i wouldnt go out to the clubs anymore, he told me that i dont have to do what i dont want to. we talked more about others things and it just hurt. i lost what i now want. he has this sweet little southern accent and it hurt to hear him say that he was talking to some one new that wanted a long term relationship. i told him that i was not ready and he said,"i noticed." that hurt more than anything but i needed to hear that from him, i did not want to be chasing after him or be annoying to him. after we hung up , i cried alone i my room. it was what i needed to cry. i cryed while a bjork song played, it was all is full of love. i listened to it over and over again. i could not sleep or study anymore so i went outside to talk to some of my friends, i couldnt stay in by myself, i would go crazy. i used to refer to him as zachary or my zach but that was not true anymore , i had no posession over him. he was no longer mine. there is this song from damien rice called volcano. and it has a verse in it where it says what i am to you is not real, what i am you do not need , what i am to you is not what what you mean to me. and that is how i feel for him. still. i told hi how i would stare at him when i was dancing at the club but that i didnt want to seem as if i was stalking him. i have told my friends about this but they all know it is my fault i am to young to know what i want for forever or for a long time. i dont know what goes through my head sometimes but my new friends are there helping me. thank you fuge, arron, dava dava, natalia, ori, and my new friend maddie who has to go back to school at tex tech. ill miss you. BFI girl,(finger snaps).