A new year is coming yet old habits die hard
Earlier I was on the phone with Erwin and when I hung up all I could think of was how I found out that Alexis died.
It was Lia who was chatting with me on YM.
I was at home in Hackney with the flu and Lia said, "Mich. I think Alexis had just been murdered."
I dont remember what happened next. I think I called Quark. I remember Debrah coming home and I told her and she had burst into tears, I didn't know they were close friends in high school.
I wanted to shoot myself because I had no tears to shed. All I had was guilt.
I remember that I came home and spent time with Sib, who I hadn't talked to for a very long time because of something stupid. I said I would never let such a thing happen again, that I was never going to erase someone from my life.
Years later, I still struggle with this.
Forgiveness has never been something I had been blessed with. I bear grudges so much over the pettiest things.
But something worse is not being able to tell a person why you resent them so much.
Yesterday I was talking to my mom, and I was telling her about how happy I was that Quark was home. She asked me why I was so attached to Quark, and she said "dahil para kayong aso't pusa"
Today I realized yes, maybe. Quark is the only person I am not scared to say anything to, even if I know it will upset him or that I know we will fight. Every tiny thing that pisses me off I always bring up, because I believe he will forgive me no matter what, or at least he will pretend to despite complaining to others what I pain I have been just because he cannot be hated. And for this I am grateful, and I know that no matter what he will always be there because all the stupid shit will always be sorted out before it blows up.
I wish I had this relationship with you.
That I could tell you why we have drifted.
That I could tell you how it pains me to realize that I no longer want to call you.
That even if my reasons seem petty to you it was important to me.
I really tried but I am stupidly incapable to erasing things from my mind.
And I know you never meant to do this.
But I wish you had known it was important to me, and that it mattered.
Even if you didnt want to, you could have made like a Quark and pretended it mattered.
Im really sorry I am not brave enough to tell you this because you once were so important to me and now it is too late- i am too annoyed with everything about you now.
It was Lia who was chatting with me on YM.
I was at home in Hackney with the flu and Lia said, "Mich. I think Alexis had just been murdered."
I dont remember what happened next. I think I called Quark. I remember Debrah coming home and I told her and she had burst into tears, I didn't know they were close friends in high school.
I wanted to shoot myself because I had no tears to shed. All I had was guilt.
I remember that I came home and spent time with Sib, who I hadn't talked to for a very long time because of something stupid. I said I would never let such a thing happen again, that I was never going to erase someone from my life.
Years later, I still struggle with this.
Forgiveness has never been something I had been blessed with. I bear grudges so much over the pettiest things.
But something worse is not being able to tell a person why you resent them so much.
Yesterday I was talking to my mom, and I was telling her about how happy I was that Quark was home. She asked me why I was so attached to Quark, and she said "dahil para kayong aso't pusa"
Today I realized yes, maybe. Quark is the only person I am not scared to say anything to, even if I know it will upset him or that I know we will fight. Every tiny thing that pisses me off I always bring up, because I believe he will forgive me no matter what, or at least he will pretend to despite complaining to others what I pain I have been just because he cannot be hated. And for this I am grateful, and I know that no matter what he will always be there because all the stupid shit will always be sorted out before it blows up.
I wish I had this relationship with you.
That I could tell you why we have drifted.
That I could tell you how it pains me to realize that I no longer want to call you.
That even if my reasons seem petty to you it was important to me.
I really tried but I am stupidly incapable to erasing things from my mind.
And I know you never meant to do this.
But I wish you had known it was important to me, and that it mattered.
Even if you didnt want to, you could have made like a Quark and pretended it mattered.
Im really sorry I am not brave enough to tell you this because you once were so important to me and now it is too late- i am too annoyed with everything about you now.