Weight, they don't love you like I love you
I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't have a weight problem.
I was always chubby since birth.
But when I was in high school I lost about 40 pounds before prom. I was the queen of bulimia and unhealthy eating, I don't know to this day if anyone ever knew about it when it happened.
Every day I would chop up one apple and cut it up into little slices. I limited my intake to one apple for an entire day. I'd stay in the library at lunch so that I wouldn't see or smell food, and when I'd eat anything else, i would run to the big bathroom next to the waiting room and stick my finger down my throat. The toilets in there didn't flush, so I would throw up in the waste baskets beside the toilet, then cover it up with scrap paper or what not, to eliminate the evidence.
I did it so frequently, that a month later, a sign was posted on each cubicle saying "If you wish to throw up, please use the toilet bowl." It was like a special message to me, and oddly enough instead of being embarrassed like i should have been, it encouraged me to keep doing it.
I would go to the gym each day for at least 2 hours. My gym was Slimmer's World in Galleria, and it was like my secret until Jocy Oconer and Hasmin Hernandez showed up. Hasmin wore these crop tops and I wanted to stab her for being so skinny. So I'd make sure I'd stay another hour to the hour she was there.
My mom was completely clueless, despite me fainting right before prom when I was trying on a dress. The only time I nearly got exposed was on a family trip to Egypt or Greece or something years later. I was room mates with my step sister, and she heard me throwing up. (which is appalling because then I had mastered the art of throwing up - quiet, and with no need of a finger in my mouth, i was so good at throwing up that i could just roll my tongue in and it would make me purge) Anyway, she caught me, and I then had to purge mid meal instead of after so it would not be obvious.
I lost 40 pounds in 2 months.
To this day my mom tells me that I need to get back my dedication to losing weight like I had in high school. I think she knew though, but she preferred me to be unhealthy instead of fat.
I was able to stay thin for about 3 years, consistently throwing up. My best friend in college was Crischelle, and I was comforted by the fact that she once told me she would do it too. My fave bathroom was the one in Faura (may tissue na, may flush pa, and no one was there really). I remember always just locking myself in a stall for ages in the big Berchmans bathroom, feet on top of the seat, because I could hear people outside wondering who was throwing up -- therefore I couldn't go out-the stall would reek of vomit and my glassy eyes would expose my secret. It was harder in college though to keep doing it, but I was a dancer and I couldn't afford the weight that I was putting back on.
In second year I discovered even better ways to lose weight, Bangkok pills being the least offensive method amongst many appalling methods i used in my quest to lose weight. They worked but really turned me into a psycho, and worse, just completely fucked up my metabolism. My yoyo cycle had officially begun, and I would gain, then lose, then gain then lose then gain then lose.
I am now 29. more than ten years since, and I have gained more than lost. Its the most frustrating thing.
I would like to say that I have come to terms with it, or that I've learned to eat healthy or whatever bullshit you'd like to hear, but I haven't. I still want to kill myself each day I step on a scale or see photos of me looking like rubbish. I still exercise on a daily basis, I try not to eat carbs unless I am out with my friends, yet my weight is still the heaviest I have ever been. Its really frustrating. I have only been 'the pretty girl' once about 11 years ago, and I don't think I'll ever be the pretty girl ever again and it pains me to think about that, especially at a time when I should be the pretty girl to get my life dream (aka a husband).
You can't even begin to imagine the frustration I am feeling right now.
I was always chubby since birth.
But when I was in high school I lost about 40 pounds before prom. I was the queen of bulimia and unhealthy eating, I don't know to this day if anyone ever knew about it when it happened.
Every day I would chop up one apple and cut it up into little slices. I limited my intake to one apple for an entire day. I'd stay in the library at lunch so that I wouldn't see or smell food, and when I'd eat anything else, i would run to the big bathroom next to the waiting room and stick my finger down my throat. The toilets in there didn't flush, so I would throw up in the waste baskets beside the toilet, then cover it up with scrap paper or what not, to eliminate the evidence.
I did it so frequently, that a month later, a sign was posted on each cubicle saying "If you wish to throw up, please use the toilet bowl." It was like a special message to me, and oddly enough instead of being embarrassed like i should have been, it encouraged me to keep doing it.
I would go to the gym each day for at least 2 hours. My gym was Slimmer's World in Galleria, and it was like my secret until Jocy Oconer and Hasmin Hernandez showed up. Hasmin wore these crop tops and I wanted to stab her for being so skinny. So I'd make sure I'd stay another hour to the hour she was there.
My mom was completely clueless, despite me fainting right before prom when I was trying on a dress. The only time I nearly got exposed was on a family trip to Egypt or Greece or something years later. I was room mates with my step sister, and she heard me throwing up. (which is appalling because then I had mastered the art of throwing up - quiet, and with no need of a finger in my mouth, i was so good at throwing up that i could just roll my tongue in and it would make me purge) Anyway, she caught me, and I then had to purge mid meal instead of after so it would not be obvious.
I lost 40 pounds in 2 months.
To this day my mom tells me that I need to get back my dedication to losing weight like I had in high school. I think she knew though, but she preferred me to be unhealthy instead of fat.
I was able to stay thin for about 3 years, consistently throwing up. My best friend in college was Crischelle, and I was comforted by the fact that she once told me she would do it too. My fave bathroom was the one in Faura (may tissue na, may flush pa, and no one was there really). I remember always just locking myself in a stall for ages in the big Berchmans bathroom, feet on top of the seat, because I could hear people outside wondering who was throwing up -- therefore I couldn't go out-the stall would reek of vomit and my glassy eyes would expose my secret. It was harder in college though to keep doing it, but I was a dancer and I couldn't afford the weight that I was putting back on.
In second year I discovered even better ways to lose weight, Bangkok pills being the least offensive method amongst many appalling methods i used in my quest to lose weight. They worked but really turned me into a psycho, and worse, just completely fucked up my metabolism. My yoyo cycle had officially begun, and I would gain, then lose, then gain then lose then gain then lose.
I am now 29. more than ten years since, and I have gained more than lost. Its the most frustrating thing.
I would like to say that I have come to terms with it, or that I've learned to eat healthy or whatever bullshit you'd like to hear, but I haven't. I still want to kill myself each day I step on a scale or see photos of me looking like rubbish. I still exercise on a daily basis, I try not to eat carbs unless I am out with my friends, yet my weight is still the heaviest I have ever been. Its really frustrating. I have only been 'the pretty girl' once about 11 years ago, and I don't think I'll ever be the pretty girl ever again and it pains me to think about that, especially at a time when I should be the pretty girl to get my life dream (aka a husband).
You can't even begin to imagine the frustration I am feeling right now.