At 7:39 PM...
So, I was working from one to eight today. And well, things were going fine and dandy until just before 7:39. I was checking out a customer, and then I had to do something in my cash drawer. I look up to see my ex-boyfriend (who I still have feelings for) and one of his best friends. Not quite sure what to think, I act nice and somewhat happy. I remember saying that I had 21 minutes of work left, so that's places this story at 7:39.
John, Max's best friend, came through and bought a four-pack of RockStar energy drinks and a "thinking of you card." The whole time, Max was chuckling to himself. I asked what was so funny, and he said 'nothing.' I should've known that something was up, but stupidly, I just let it go. Max then proceeded to go through my line, at which point he bought four energy drinks. As he and John were leaving, John slid me the card. On the inside of the card, it said "Thinking of you... ...and wishing you much brighter tomorrows when this difficult time has passed. 'Call me sometime, John Pilk.' " It's pretty obvious that John doesn't give a shit. He's trying to tell me that I lost something good. And then he proceeds to say "call me." Well, first, John has a girlfriend, whom I'm guessing he is probably with just to fuck... And secondly, John doesn't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly relate to him. Sure, he cares about how Max feels, but he doesn't care about how I feel. I guess that John doesn't realize that my feelings might have some sort of an impact on Max's feelings. Maybe I'm missing the fact that they don't. So, John's calling me a piece of ass, and nothing more. Well, jeezus. That makes me feel great.
What the hell??? According to Max, I don't seem to care. Why? Because I was hanging out with a couple of friends the night after we broke up. I like to call this a distraction. Sure, I'm not saying that I didn't have a fun time with my friends, but I'm saying that they helped me from staying home the night after and bawling... I had done that enough the night before.
He also says that I don't call him because I don't care and I don't want to talk.. Hmm... Well. I'm trying to figure things out. I don't want to talk because I don't have anything to tell him yet. Right now, when we do talk, it's either him asking me questions about how I feel about him or it's me and him talking about something that seems completely unrelated... such as how our day at work went. Both of which make me feel horrible.
Once Max and John left, I had to try not to cry. I ended up getting through the rest of work (which was hell, because I kept tearing up...). James, one of my friends, works with me, and gave me a hug after I got off. God, it was one of the best hugs I think I've gotten in my life. It may have been short, but, it was sincere. If you read this, I thank you James, for that hug. It helps. Somehow, that hug shows me that there is somebody that cares (and I'm not saying he's the only one that cared, I'm saying that he's the only one around that I could count on).
So, I go upstairs to where I'm supposed to punch out, and I get my coat. As I'm looking for the key to my van, I start sobbing. So, I go into the break room upstairs, and keep sobbing. I sit there for a couple of minutes and sob. So, I look at my phone and see that I have a new voicemail. It was Max, apologizing for the card incident. However, the apology didn't sound very sincere, so I don't really think that he cares. And what do I do, I keep sobbing. Who am I kidding? I was crying, not sobbing. So, I had to find my van key and kind of compose myself. I had to walk through HyVee with teary eyes and a tear-stained face. Let me tell you, that was glorious.
I broke down once I climbed into my car, and had a hard time starting it. I bawled all the way home, which was horrible because I couldn't see at all... My glasses kept getting foggy and wet, blurring my vision. On the way home, Max Perkins called, and I said "Let me call you in a bit..." And then I hung up. Once I got home, I got online and began posting a blog on my MySpace.
Max Perkins, who can't stand to be patient just once, called me again. I'm bawling at this time, and want to compose myself before we talk. Makes sense, right? But no, I couldn't hang up on him (for various reasons). So he keeps asking me whether I care, which should be obvious because I'm flooding my room while I'm on the phone. I'm lucky that all of the tears that got on my phone didn't do anything (to the phone). Max kept saying things that I've already heard.
He kept saying that he apologized for the card, but I want to know when John Pilk is going to be apologizing. I want to know what the fuck he was thinking, and why he'd do this. Maybe it was to make Max feel better. I have a feeling that Max tends to feel better when others are in pain, because his life doesn't look so bad. I think that there might have been a reason that John gave me the card. Maybe there wasn't. Either way, I don't care. I want to know what the hell happened tonight, and why the hell Max didn't have any heart to stop him. I want to know why the fuck Max was standing behind John, laughing the whole time. Max claims that he loves me, but I can't see it. I used to be able to see it, but now, I can't. I can't see why Max would let his best friend give a card to his ex (whom he supposedly loves). It hurt, and he knows it. Yet, I haven't heard a sincere apology from either of them. What the fuck is going on?
Anyways, I'm going to call him later tonight, but I have to organize some questions. Such as... "Why the fuck do you even bother?" "Do you like seeing me in pain?" "Do you like hearing me cry?" "Why is it that you get so much pleasure when you see others in pain?"
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I still love him, but I don't know if I can take much more. I just want to try to figure things out... And I can't do it yet. Time is the only thing that heals pain, and it's just not working. Time keeps getting interrupted by things like this, when I see him happy--even though I feel like shit.
Max has been diagnosed with depression. That was a long time ago. So? Technically he's still diagnosed with it. My mom, who has her Master's Degree in counseling, says that nowadays, Manic Depression is also known as Bipolar Disorder. Great--NOT. Those with bipolar disorder are either happy or they're not... there is no in between. So, he's either going to be happy or sad with me. And well, I can't make everybody happy all the time. There are times when I just want to make myself happy first, and then try to focus on other people. Is that so bad? I want to be comfortable with where I am, but I can't do that until I am happy. And God, I want to be happy. I don't want to have to deal with shit like this--and even if I do end up going out with Max again, I don't know if this kind of shit would stop. I want to be happy. I really do... At this point, though, I don't know if he's the one I'm going to be happy with...
John, Max's best friend, came through and bought a four-pack of RockStar energy drinks and a "thinking of you card." The whole time, Max was chuckling to himself. I asked what was so funny, and he said 'nothing.' I should've known that something was up, but stupidly, I just let it go. Max then proceeded to go through my line, at which point he bought four energy drinks. As he and John were leaving, John slid me the card. On the inside of the card, it said "Thinking of you... ...and wishing you much brighter tomorrows when this difficult time has passed. 'Call me sometime, John Pilk.' " It's pretty obvious that John doesn't give a shit. He's trying to tell me that I lost something good. And then he proceeds to say "call me." Well, first, John has a girlfriend, whom I'm guessing he is probably with just to fuck... And secondly, John doesn't give a shit about anything that doesn't directly relate to him. Sure, he cares about how Max feels, but he doesn't care about how I feel. I guess that John doesn't realize that my feelings might have some sort of an impact on Max's feelings. Maybe I'm missing the fact that they don't. So, John's calling me a piece of ass, and nothing more. Well, jeezus. That makes me feel great.
What the hell??? According to Max, I don't seem to care. Why? Because I was hanging out with a couple of friends the night after we broke up. I like to call this a distraction. Sure, I'm not saying that I didn't have a fun time with my friends, but I'm saying that they helped me from staying home the night after and bawling... I had done that enough the night before.
He also says that I don't call him because I don't care and I don't want to talk.. Hmm... Well. I'm trying to figure things out. I don't want to talk because I don't have anything to tell him yet. Right now, when we do talk, it's either him asking me questions about how I feel about him or it's me and him talking about something that seems completely unrelated... such as how our day at work went. Both of which make me feel horrible.
Once Max and John left, I had to try not to cry. I ended up getting through the rest of work (which was hell, because I kept tearing up...). James, one of my friends, works with me, and gave me a hug after I got off. God, it was one of the best hugs I think I've gotten in my life. It may have been short, but, it was sincere. If you read this, I thank you James, for that hug. It helps. Somehow, that hug shows me that there is somebody that cares (and I'm not saying he's the only one that cared, I'm saying that he's the only one around that I could count on).
So, I go upstairs to where I'm supposed to punch out, and I get my coat. As I'm looking for the key to my van, I start sobbing. So, I go into the break room upstairs, and keep sobbing. I sit there for a couple of minutes and sob. So, I look at my phone and see that I have a new voicemail. It was Max, apologizing for the card incident. However, the apology didn't sound very sincere, so I don't really think that he cares. And what do I do, I keep sobbing. Who am I kidding? I was crying, not sobbing. So, I had to find my van key and kind of compose myself. I had to walk through HyVee with teary eyes and a tear-stained face. Let me tell you, that was glorious.
I broke down once I climbed into my car, and had a hard time starting it. I bawled all the way home, which was horrible because I couldn't see at all... My glasses kept getting foggy and wet, blurring my vision. On the way home, Max Perkins called, and I said "Let me call you in a bit..." And then I hung up. Once I got home, I got online and began posting a blog on my MySpace.
Max Perkins, who can't stand to be patient just once, called me again. I'm bawling at this time, and want to compose myself before we talk. Makes sense, right? But no, I couldn't hang up on him (for various reasons). So he keeps asking me whether I care, which should be obvious because I'm flooding my room while I'm on the phone. I'm lucky that all of the tears that got on my phone didn't do anything (to the phone). Max kept saying things that I've already heard.
He kept saying that he apologized for the card, but I want to know when John Pilk is going to be apologizing. I want to know what the fuck he was thinking, and why he'd do this. Maybe it was to make Max feel better. I have a feeling that Max tends to feel better when others are in pain, because his life doesn't look so bad. I think that there might have been a reason that John gave me the card. Maybe there wasn't. Either way, I don't care. I want to know what the hell happened tonight, and why the hell Max didn't have any heart to stop him. I want to know why the fuck Max was standing behind John, laughing the whole time. Max claims that he loves me, but I can't see it. I used to be able to see it, but now, I can't. I can't see why Max would let his best friend give a card to his ex (whom he supposedly loves). It hurt, and he knows it. Yet, I haven't heard a sincere apology from either of them. What the fuck is going on?
Anyways, I'm going to call him later tonight, but I have to organize some questions. Such as... "Why the fuck do you even bother?" "Do you like seeing me in pain?" "Do you like hearing me cry?" "Why is it that you get so much pleasure when you see others in pain?"
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I still love him, but I don't know if I can take much more. I just want to try to figure things out... And I can't do it yet. Time is the only thing that heals pain, and it's just not working. Time keeps getting interrupted by things like this, when I see him happy--even though I feel like shit.
Max has been diagnosed with depression. That was a long time ago. So? Technically he's still diagnosed with it. My mom, who has her Master's Degree in counseling, says that nowadays, Manic Depression is also known as Bipolar Disorder. Great--NOT. Those with bipolar disorder are either happy or they're not... there is no in between. So, he's either going to be happy or sad with me. And well, I can't make everybody happy all the time. There are times when I just want to make myself happy first, and then try to focus on other people. Is that so bad? I want to be comfortable with where I am, but I can't do that until I am happy. And God, I want to be happy. I don't want to have to deal with shit like this--and even if I do end up going out with Max again, I don't know if this kind of shit would stop. I want to be happy. I really do... At this point, though, I don't know if he's the one I'm going to be happy with...