I think I broke my...thing that makes you friendly
I have spent years and years engaging with people, learning about them, listening to their stories, and answering their questions about my job no matter what the hour, the setting, or the context in which we're met.
I hit my Dunbar Number years and years ago, I know I did. Since that point, even dear old friends who I care about wonder if I do, really, because sometimes I don't have the processor power to maintain our relationships because of the constant influx of new people, and I don't get to be 100% selective about which relationships must fit into that magical number at any given time. (You, dear reader, it isn't you I'd want to eliminate - stop thinking so, and just let me vent.) Strangers, including those I'd actually really love to get to know better, just don't fit through. So often, when meeting people, when trying to like and be liked, to show interest, I sit, wanting to know, and cannot bring myself to ask even a single interesting question. I find myself rendered numb to the capacity to socialize well and bring us into any kind of relationship with one another. It's like being emotionally interested but intellectually spent. I just can't summon that part of myself, like it's just too worn out to serve.
Sometimes I can tell that people feel uncomfortable when this happens, when I'm withdrawn or just not sociable with them. I fear that they think the problem is them. It makes it worse.
I won't say this is a constant state of being; it fluctuates, but more often than not, if you think I'm not interested in you, this is what's really going on. Don't get me wrong -- I meet people I'm also not that drawn to, just like you do. But often, I'm just stuck in the little cage of my brain.
As usual, catching you up on news would be impossible. Suffice it to say that every year I've ever thought I was having a stressful time at work has disappeared behind a cloud of chaos and crazy change, and that if it weren't for my home life and family I would be completely flat and broken. Xo, you.
I hit my Dunbar Number years and years ago, I know I did. Since that point, even dear old friends who I care about wonder if I do, really, because sometimes I don't have the processor power to maintain our relationships because of the constant influx of new people, and I don't get to be 100% selective about which relationships must fit into that magical number at any given time. (You, dear reader, it isn't you I'd want to eliminate - stop thinking so, and just let me vent.) Strangers, including those I'd actually really love to get to know better, just don't fit through. So often, when meeting people, when trying to like and be liked, to show interest, I sit, wanting to know, and cannot bring myself to ask even a single interesting question. I find myself rendered numb to the capacity to socialize well and bring us into any kind of relationship with one another. It's like being emotionally interested but intellectually spent. I just can't summon that part of myself, like it's just too worn out to serve.
Sometimes I can tell that people feel uncomfortable when this happens, when I'm withdrawn or just not sociable with them. I fear that they think the problem is them. It makes it worse.
I won't say this is a constant state of being; it fluctuates, but more often than not, if you think I'm not interested in you, this is what's really going on. Don't get me wrong -- I meet people I'm also not that drawn to, just like you do. But often, I'm just stuck in the little cage of my brain.
As usual, catching you up on news would be impossible. Suffice it to say that every year I've ever thought I was having a stressful time at work has disappeared behind a cloud of chaos and crazy change, and that if it weren't for my home life and family I would be completely flat and broken. Xo, you.