One in the Mourning
It is one thirty a.m.
My mind is not settled. I do not sleep.
The past is a jumble of bittersweet memories and half-finished regrets. The present is a haze, a fog of mental blockage, days full of actions not taken, a blend of brave striving and craven, defeated avoidance that defies any logical structure. The future, full of promise only this morning, seems too terrifying and unknowable to even contemplate.
When something big changes in my life and in my mind (hmm, like for example, I move back in with my parents and try to make decisions that will influence my entire future and the rest of my life), my depression and anxiety symptoms intensify, and it makes situations like this one longer and more difficult transitions than they need to be. I've decided that one of my goals for a healthier, balanced future will be that I find a way to manage stress such that I don't have this shutting down in times when I need myself the most. Not that managing stress hasn't been on the list since I discovered I had stress, mind you, but specifically, I need a better way to deal with transition and change.
I've always tended towards being a bit fussy, liking things just so, but despite desperate wanting from a very young age to be the sort of person who goes with the flow and is totally happy with change, that has never been part of my particular spectrum. All attempts to force myself to not care about things I feel I "shouldn't" resulted only in feelings of guilt and shame and wrongness and little to no discernible progress in the ability to "let go" or merrily, effortlessly adapt to new situations. Which is frustrating, but perhaps what I needed all along was to let go of the wish to be what I am perhaps not meant to be.
I don't know what I need right now.
I think I will start with getting in bed even though I basically have a weird aversion to bed tonight.
My mind is not settled. I do not sleep.
The past is a jumble of bittersweet memories and half-finished regrets. The present is a haze, a fog of mental blockage, days full of actions not taken, a blend of brave striving and craven, defeated avoidance that defies any logical structure. The future, full of promise only this morning, seems too terrifying and unknowable to even contemplate.
When something big changes in my life and in my mind (hmm, like for example, I move back in with my parents and try to make decisions that will influence my entire future and the rest of my life), my depression and anxiety symptoms intensify, and it makes situations like this one longer and more difficult transitions than they need to be. I've decided that one of my goals for a healthier, balanced future will be that I find a way to manage stress such that I don't have this shutting down in times when I need myself the most. Not that managing stress hasn't been on the list since I discovered I had stress, mind you, but specifically, I need a better way to deal with transition and change.
I've always tended towards being a bit fussy, liking things just so, but despite desperate wanting from a very young age to be the sort of person who goes with the flow and is totally happy with change, that has never been part of my particular spectrum. All attempts to force myself to not care about things I feel I "shouldn't" resulted only in feelings of guilt and shame and wrongness and little to no discernible progress in the ability to "let go" or merrily, effortlessly adapt to new situations. Which is frustrating, but perhaps what I needed all along was to let go of the wish to be what I am perhaps not meant to be.
I don't know what I need right now.
I think I will start with getting in bed even though I basically have a weird aversion to bed tonight.