I'd Like to Take a Moment to Femmesplain Masculinity For Y'all.
Fuck, Sugar blogs still sometimes?! No way. Blasphemy.
But seriously, I might actually have a race post coming up, and in the meantime I definitely want to spend a few moments yakking about masculinity, dudeliness, and general Gender Crap.
And while it's a bit tongue in cheek, I'm not changing that title, either. Why? Because if I had a readership wide enough to let The Great Unwashed Internet at this thing, let me tell you, I'd get accused of it for serious. Who am I, a woman, to speak about something as lofty as Masculinity? I mean, men can speak of Femininity. They can come into womanly spaces and tell us girls how it is, really, and gosh aren't we glad a man came in and gave us the real deal, and told us how to feel about it all, now geez, why aren't we grateful, guh we're such harpies. But I, with my inferior lady brain powers, as weak and delicate as my soft, voluptuous flesh, surely cannot possibly have valid observations or opinions or concerns about Modern Masculinity, or What It Means To Be A MAN And Why That Is Actually A Problem.
Pffft. Fuck that here's a post.
So. Let's define Masculinity. It's not as easy as you'd think! To be a dudetacular dude in this world, it's a tricky thing. It's not enough to identify as male. It's not really being born with a penis, either. In fact, you can be born with boy-parts AND identify as male, and STILL not meet all the requirements. So let's go ahead and identify what IS male the ONLY way manly manly men know how: by knowing what it's NOT.
1. Who are you attracted to? If it's guys, or guys and girls, or anyone but women, sorry, but you're NOT a man. In fact, to be a proper man, you can't even recognize attractiveness in other men (except, you know, when you're boggling that a pretty woman would ever lower herself to date ugly guys, when they could have you, imagine!-- how you know which guys are ugly when you aren't allowed to know which ones are good-lookin' is pretty much just one of those mysteries of malehood you're just gonna have to suss out on your own). But um, you know, you can't be attracted to ALL women. Or even most women. Don't forget, your Man Quotient hinges on picking the most hyper-femme and conventionally gorgeous and girly women to choose as your personal fuckhole, I mean lifemate. Except if she gives it up too easily or soon, then she's just slutty, so sleep with her, for gosh sakes sleep with her first, but then lose all respect for her (she slept with you, imagine!) and drop her for someone else, except make sure the someone else isn't just a cocktease that won't go all the way, because, wtf?! I mean, they gotta know how to make it interesting but it's not like you're gonna put up with all those mindgames women play. Geez those bitches, can't they ever just be clear about whether they want sex or not?
2. Now that we have Dudes Fuck Women under control, we just want to make sure you remember how you're supposed to FEEL about these women. Because, if you respect them and consider them full autonomous humans equal to you, you damn gay hippie, you're no man! Now, I mean, a real man "respects" women, of course, for a value of "respects" in which you alternately infantilize and lionize, disparage and revere. I mean women are cool, they are like, Moms and Nurturers and also Hot and Potentially Fuckable. So you know, you should admire their boobs them. But like... they're not DUDES, you know? So, don't ... don't treat them like they're humans guys, because that's just... weird.
3. In fact, next is Rules For Interacting With Other Men. To reinforce your male-osity, it's necessary to constantly assert yourself firmly on the NOT A WOMAN side of the gender line by engaging in various rough, physical play with your fellows. Gods know there's just nothing more hetero and nonsexual than a bunch of dudes in tight pants rolling around in the mud grappling for control of a ball as their youthful, supple, sweaty, virile flesh collides on the field... grappling, coming together, pulling apart to pant... sweaty... heavy breathing... slapping each other on the ass... showering together... *author adjusts her lady-pants* Ahem. Sorry, what were we talking about, again? But yes, really, the best way to show you don't want to get physical with your Dudely Friends is to... be really really physical in your expressions of manly bonding. Yeah I don't know how that works either. But it helps if you're violent! Because it's not like violence and fucking are ever combined... well except in porn, which by the way, should be your Sex Bible, but-- wait. You know what, don't have friends. Real Manly Men don't need no stinkin' people, anyway. They take care of their own damn self.
4. Oh, and that's step 4 in Manliness. Men Take Care of Their Own Damn Self. Which means you don't ask for help-- in fact, if you need help, and you weren't born knowing how to handle everything ever, you're probably not a man. Oh, also, this is a good place to go over the acceptable emotions you, as a manly manly man, are allowed to express, or even feel at all. These are: Anger. Oh and... no, wait. That's it. Oh, and when you express your anger, have yourself a right tantrum, with a three-year-old's level of control and maturity, because it's the ONLY time you're allowed an emotion, so you'd better make it count. What, you say that someone with an adult male physique might do some kind of harm to the world at large if he has a toddler-style tantrum? Oh ho ho. Let me teach you a helpful phrase that will get you out of the responsibility for all the shit you fuck up when you express your one gods-granted emotion: Boys Will Be Boys.
5. Did we mention Boys Will Be Boys? Because this is the cool part about following all those rules. Now that you have faithfully done all the cool stuff necessary to be a Man, let's tell you what you've won! You get to be angry all the time, and without the ability to feel other feelings useful to processing that you just have temper tantrums but then someone says Boys Will Be Boys so it's okay! Don't worry about having a well-rounded rich existence full of nuances of thought and interaction! That's for pussies anyway! You're a MAN so you're better than that! YAY! Let's tackle each other in a friendly way to celebrate.
... I was going to now explain why all that is problematic, and really harmful to not just women-identified folks but to man-identified folks as well. But you know what? If you can't already tell exactly why, you weren't fucking listening.
But seriously, I might actually have a race post coming up, and in the meantime I definitely want to spend a few moments yakking about masculinity, dudeliness, and general Gender Crap.
And while it's a bit tongue in cheek, I'm not changing that title, either. Why? Because if I had a readership wide enough to let The Great Unwashed Internet at this thing, let me tell you, I'd get accused of it for serious. Who am I, a woman, to speak about something as lofty as Masculinity? I mean, men can speak of Femininity. They can come into womanly spaces and tell us girls how it is, really, and gosh aren't we glad a man came in and gave us the real deal, and told us how to feel about it all, now geez, why aren't we grateful, guh we're such harpies. But I, with my inferior lady brain powers, as weak and delicate as my soft, voluptuous flesh, surely cannot possibly have valid observations or opinions or concerns about Modern Masculinity, or What It Means To Be A MAN And Why That Is Actually A Problem.
Pffft. Fuck that here's a post.
So. Let's define Masculinity. It's not as easy as you'd think! To be a dudetacular dude in this world, it's a tricky thing. It's not enough to identify as male. It's not really being born with a penis, either. In fact, you can be born with boy-parts AND identify as male, and STILL not meet all the requirements. So let's go ahead and identify what IS male the ONLY way manly manly men know how: by knowing what it's NOT.
1. Who are you attracted to? If it's guys, or guys and girls, or anyone but women, sorry, but you're NOT a man. In fact, to be a proper man, you can't even recognize attractiveness in other men (except, you know, when you're boggling that a pretty woman would ever lower herself to date ugly guys, when they could have you, imagine!-- how you know which guys are ugly when you aren't allowed to know which ones are good-lookin' is pretty much just one of those mysteries of malehood you're just gonna have to suss out on your own). But um, you know, you can't be attracted to ALL women. Or even most women. Don't forget, your Man Quotient hinges on picking the most hyper-femme and conventionally gorgeous and girly women to choose as your personal fuckhole, I mean lifemate. Except if she gives it up too easily or soon, then she's just slutty, so sleep with her, for gosh sakes sleep with her first, but then lose all respect for her (she slept with you, imagine!) and drop her for someone else, except make sure the someone else isn't just a cocktease that won't go all the way, because, wtf?! I mean, they gotta know how to make it interesting but it's not like you're gonna put up with all those mindgames women play. Geez those bitches, can't they ever just be clear about whether they want sex or not?
2. Now that we have Dudes Fuck Women under control, we just want to make sure you remember how you're supposed to FEEL about these women. Because, if you respect them and consider them full autonomous humans equal to you, you damn gay hippie, you're no man! Now, I mean, a real man "respects" women, of course, for a value of "respects" in which you alternately infantilize and lionize, disparage and revere. I mean women are cool, they are like, Moms and Nurturers and also Hot and Potentially Fuckable. So you know, you should admire their boobs them. But like... they're not DUDES, you know? So, don't ... don't treat them like they're humans guys, because that's just... weird.
3. In fact, next is Rules For Interacting With Other Men. To reinforce your male-osity, it's necessary to constantly assert yourself firmly on the NOT A WOMAN side of the gender line by engaging in various rough, physical play with your fellows. Gods know there's just nothing more hetero and nonsexual than a bunch of dudes in tight pants rolling around in the mud grappling for control of a ball as their youthful, supple, sweaty, virile flesh collides on the field... grappling, coming together, pulling apart to pant... sweaty... heavy breathing... slapping each other on the ass... showering together... *author adjusts her lady-pants* Ahem. Sorry, what were we talking about, again? But yes, really, the best way to show you don't want to get physical with your Dudely Friends is to... be really really physical in your expressions of manly bonding. Yeah I don't know how that works either. But it helps if you're violent! Because it's not like violence and fucking are ever combined... well except in porn, which by the way, should be your Sex Bible, but-- wait. You know what, don't have friends. Real Manly Men don't need no stinkin' people, anyway. They take care of their own damn self.
4. Oh, and that's step 4 in Manliness. Men Take Care of Their Own Damn Self. Which means you don't ask for help-- in fact, if you need help, and you weren't born knowing how to handle everything ever, you're probably not a man. Oh, also, this is a good place to go over the acceptable emotions you, as a manly manly man, are allowed to express, or even feel at all. These are: Anger. Oh and... no, wait. That's it. Oh, and when you express your anger, have yourself a right tantrum, with a three-year-old's level of control and maturity, because it's the ONLY time you're allowed an emotion, so you'd better make it count. What, you say that someone with an adult male physique might do some kind of harm to the world at large if he has a toddler-style tantrum? Oh ho ho. Let me teach you a helpful phrase that will get you out of the responsibility for all the shit you fuck up when you express your one gods-granted emotion: Boys Will Be Boys.
5. Did we mention Boys Will Be Boys? Because this is the cool part about following all those rules. Now that you have faithfully done all the cool stuff necessary to be a Man, let's tell you what you've won! You get to be angry all the time, and without the ability to feel other feelings useful to processing that you just have temper tantrums but then someone says Boys Will Be Boys so it's okay! Don't worry about having a well-rounded rich existence full of nuances of thought and interaction! That's for pussies anyway! You're a MAN so you're better than that! YAY! Let's tackle each other in a friendly way to celebrate.
... I was going to now explain why all that is problematic, and really harmful to not just women-identified folks but to man-identified folks as well. But you know what? If you can't already tell exactly why, you weren't fucking listening.