Amazing how my parents see nothing wrong with ruining my life...
So, I was pretty pissed with the study abroad office for denying me my year in Munich and instead offering me a mere semester in Berlin. As a matter of fact, I cried. That's right everyone, I cried about not going abroad for a year and studying in Munich.
Just recently, I came to terms with this tragedy. I had accepted that I was going to be abroad for only a semester, embracing the fact that I would be in Berlin, and even making connections to my fascination with Marxism. I had it figured out that I would still go to Oktoberfest and still have fun.
Today, I called my mom to tell her I had to put in a $300 deposit for study abroad. I asked her if I could borrow money (parents don't charge interest like a credit card advance) and she said she couldn't. She says that my father doesn't want me to go abroad. She said she could loan me the money but if he ever found out they would probably end up getting a divorce. What the fuck? Basically, she isn't going to give me the money because neither of them want me to go abroad. How fucking selfish is it of her to drop the word divorce? You do not tell your child that they are creating the possibility of divorce. If this marriage is weak enough that a divorce is imminent, why are we even discussing my desire to go abroad? Shouldn't we be discussing the failure of our family?
So, I knew my parents didn't really want me to go abroad. My mom told me that my father thinks it is dangerous. Today she told me it was about money. When I told her to forget about the money because I would figure that out she told me it was about my maturity, or lack thereof. I don't know, I think it is pretty mature to NOT be pregnant right now. It is pretty mature to work two jobs and get good grades and hold offices in prominent organizations. My parents won't tell me the truth, that can't be the truth. None of it can be the truth, if it were the truth I would have heard it from the start. I am still waiting to find the truth, some vengeful sub-conscious desire to make sure the child does not overshadow the parent. My mother is constantly telling me I speak to them as though they are stupid. That isn't the case, if I thought my parents were stupid I wouldn't have held such similar political ideals for so long, I wouldn't ask their opinions, I wouldn't speak to them about political issues or international affairs or scientific miracles. My mother is merely digging for excuses to further hold out on spilling the truth.
I am not worried about the deposit. I will have the money, and I will go abroad. I will go abroad if I have to sell my car, give up my cell phone, sell clothes and shoes, work two jobs over the summer, shop at the grocery outlet, harvest my eggs, sell my kidney on the black market, take out loans, take up contract killing... Oh, the list goes on my friends. I also assured my mother that if I didn't go abroad this next year I would just join the Peace Corps when I graduate. Then I could be in dangerous territory, then I can be in a situation that will try my maturity, then I will know what it is like to want material goods.
Why does she always blame him? Why can't she admit she doesn't want it either? It frustrates me to no end that she is always placing blame on someone else. It is never her fault. She wants nothing but the best for me. No, WAIT. They are both worried now. Nothing adds up. It isn't the money. It isn't the maturity. It isn't the danger. So, what is it?
They want to know what I want to do with my life, I told my mother I had unlimited options. I told her that I could join the Peace Corps (triggering the question: "Is that some sort of liberal thing, or what is it?"), I told her that I could go into international business, international politics, anything... whatev. They are very unlikely to change their minds... and if they don't then I will for sure join the peace corps and move to a foreign country and they'll be lucky to get a letter from me once every couple months...
Phlea, Karin, and Annie B. are officially some of the coolest people I know. And Ice Cream officially cures anything.
Just recently, I came to terms with this tragedy. I had accepted that I was going to be abroad for only a semester, embracing the fact that I would be in Berlin, and even making connections to my fascination with Marxism. I had it figured out that I would still go to Oktoberfest and still have fun.
Today, I called my mom to tell her I had to put in a $300 deposit for study abroad. I asked her if I could borrow money (parents don't charge interest like a credit card advance) and she said she couldn't. She says that my father doesn't want me to go abroad. She said she could loan me the money but if he ever found out they would probably end up getting a divorce. What the fuck? Basically, she isn't going to give me the money because neither of them want me to go abroad. How fucking selfish is it of her to drop the word divorce? You do not tell your child that they are creating the possibility of divorce. If this marriage is weak enough that a divorce is imminent, why are we even discussing my desire to go abroad? Shouldn't we be discussing the failure of our family?
So, I knew my parents didn't really want me to go abroad. My mom told me that my father thinks it is dangerous. Today she told me it was about money. When I told her to forget about the money because I would figure that out she told me it was about my maturity, or lack thereof. I don't know, I think it is pretty mature to NOT be pregnant right now. It is pretty mature to work two jobs and get good grades and hold offices in prominent organizations. My parents won't tell me the truth, that can't be the truth. None of it can be the truth, if it were the truth I would have heard it from the start. I am still waiting to find the truth, some vengeful sub-conscious desire to make sure the child does not overshadow the parent. My mother is constantly telling me I speak to them as though they are stupid. That isn't the case, if I thought my parents were stupid I wouldn't have held such similar political ideals for so long, I wouldn't ask their opinions, I wouldn't speak to them about political issues or international affairs or scientific miracles. My mother is merely digging for excuses to further hold out on spilling the truth.
I am not worried about the deposit. I will have the money, and I will go abroad. I will go abroad if I have to sell my car, give up my cell phone, sell clothes and shoes, work two jobs over the summer, shop at the grocery outlet, harvest my eggs, sell my kidney on the black market, take out loans, take up contract killing... Oh, the list goes on my friends. I also assured my mother that if I didn't go abroad this next year I would just join the Peace Corps when I graduate. Then I could be in dangerous territory, then I can be in a situation that will try my maturity, then I will know what it is like to want material goods.
Why does she always blame him? Why can't she admit she doesn't want it either? It frustrates me to no end that she is always placing blame on someone else. It is never her fault. She wants nothing but the best for me. No, WAIT. They are both worried now. Nothing adds up. It isn't the money. It isn't the maturity. It isn't the danger. So, what is it?
They want to know what I want to do with my life, I told my mother I had unlimited options. I told her that I could join the Peace Corps (triggering the question: "Is that some sort of liberal thing, or what is it?"), I told her that I could go into international business, international politics, anything... whatev. They are very unlikely to change their minds... and if they don't then I will for sure join the peace corps and move to a foreign country and they'll be lucky to get a letter from me once every couple months...
Phlea, Karin, and Annie B. are officially some of the coolest people I know. And Ice Cream officially cures anything.