Not sure
I have been sitting in my room for hours when it hit me everything changed so fast everything is a mess. I am a total wreck no lie. I feel as if I am looking back on my life as a woman past her prime and realizing what I missed as a child. In fact I missed a lot of things. I missed having a family a tradition family any ways when I was in first grade my parents split up actually it was long before that only I am not sure exactly when. The only thing I really know for sure is they split up a lot and got back together. I have one very vivid memory of it though my mom had moved out and was living in homestead. And my dad my brother and I moved back in with her. I also remember getting those playschool skates that you wore with your shoes from my grandma early that week. And my mom and dad fighting things were thrown I am not sure what but it turned into an all out fight and I was crying I just wanted it to stop. I also know we had an ugly green chair that is in my dad’s house to this day and my mom moved it to keep my dad away from her and she picked me up over the chair and I was holding those skates and she took me away from it all. I wish that was the end of all of it but sadly it wasn’t. My parents bought a house together the one that my dad still owns in North Versailles. Around that time is when I got sick. And when I say sick I mean I was in the hospital for a while and I couldn’t breathe and no one knew what was wrong with me. I thank god that I had a loving family at that time because if I didn’t I am still convinced I would not be here today telling you this story. After I was better everything was ok for a while I guess my dad stopped drinking and my mom calmed down and we were a family I guess that bubble was shattered before it even took flight. Because my dad started drinking again and all my parents did was fight. And finally one day my mom couldn’t take it anymore and just left. At that time I bounced around from family member to family member every couple of months never feeling wanted and never getting comfortable because I knew once I did I would be taken away to another family member. Everything pretty much after that was a blur also after that I remember living with my grandma for a long time seeing my mom one weekend a month. In fact most of my life is a blur when I look back on it its like watching a movie in rewind you only catch bits and pieces of it and wonder what the hell happened. I don’t even remember why I started writing this long thing just think I needed to blow some steam I guess because everything has me proverbial fucked I guess. Well back to the point I guess I was just sitting in my room and I felt this overall sadness looking back on things and realizing I don’t have any good memories and childhood is over. This is growing up the thing that no ones wants to do but it all happens someday. I guess being asked if I wanted to a manager at work brought this all on my life is changing so fast I miss being able to go to friends house not worrying when I worked again or when my cell phone bill was due. I miss the summer being able to sleep in and pick up and go when ever my heart desired. Also I guess I am worried about my relationship’s now to all my friends are drifting away everyone graduated or was supposed to and don’t get me wrong I work with some of my best friends it’s just not to same. Everything changes and in fact I hate it. I am worried that I am missing out on so much still I am only 17 I am in a serious relationship and I feel so grown up it’s not funny I hate it I hate what I have turned into. My boyfriend has a kid we want to get married someday and I’m just worried. I have many worries like what if someone comes and tears me away from that to, what if I am not everything he is looking for, and what if I am a horrible mother, what if I am just not ready for all of this. Some days I wish I would wake up and be a little girl again when my family was still together and I will be in my pink canopy bed and o how I would change so many things I would do anything to fix things when I was little. I wonder some days if this is all a dream and I will wake up and it will all be over and without knowing it my life would be over.