:* I am a sweet catastrophe *:
Everything about my past has became my present. At several different times over the course of the day, my past has smacked me in the face! Immature, irrelevant past arguements from over the years have been brought back up, and I'm partly to blame
for it. But I'm also over it. So over it. I care that its once again an issue, and that people seem to like making my life and the things I do in/with my life such a big deal. But I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm done with it, have been for a long time. And I'm done with being so insecure about my reputation. Your reputation is who you are percieved to be. Your true character is who you are. I know who I am. And I am extremly confident in who I have become. And the people who are lucky enough to get past the person I am percieved to be, know that there is more to me than you would think. Theres more to me than partying, more to me than drinking, more to me than being the crazy outgoing person I seem to be. Not that I put on a front. Not even. Those things are part of my personality. But it's not near everything I am or everything I'm about. I don't give ppl the oppurtunity to see ALL of who I am. Why should I? If a person is going to be so judgemental of the things they have heard or the things they think make me me, why should I give them the benifit of getting in and knowing me for me? I am so confident with being myself, and having no inabitions, being uncensored, untamed, and in that being unforgettable, whether in a respected way or not. I am percieved on a level that is taken for much more than it really is. I do know that when I die, I will be remembered, whether it be sweetly, or sourly, I'll be remembered for my defining, unique personality and views and thoughts. I won't be remembered for who I slept with last week, or what I wore last weekend. Or what I said about her 3 years ago. I'll be remembered for my ability make a learning experience out of anything. I'll be remembered for cherishing every second I'm given to live. I'll be remembered for my ability to ride the fuck out of life and enjoy every second of it. I'll be remembered for ability to live and love it, and be envied for every second of it. People pick and choose what they hear and base their opinions on me due to that. There are alot of flaws about my past that I was always so dead set on proving to people that I had changed, I forgot to think about the future I had ahead of me. I have always had a big problem living in my past, trying to fix my past, I didn't per-fect my future. And I see the irony in all of this now. So many things about my past have taught me to be who I am today. I must admist, that I, among other things, used to run my mouth more than it was worth. And I'm glad I did. It taught me alot of life lessons I would have otherwise not learned the way I did. Every defining moment in my past has brought me to be who I am today. And I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of the fact I could now care less how much pride or lack there of you have in me. Or what you think of me, or the life I've chose to live, or the choices I am making for my future. If I continued to live for everyone else and for everything that people think I should be, where would I be? Would I be any further in this life than I am now? Who is to know? But I do know I would be alot less happy. Thats a damn fact. I realize I will never change the way people look at me. A reputation does not go away. But it is my responsiblity to live for myself and change the way I look at myself. I must live for my own peace, my own love, my own freedom, my own tolerance, my own unity, my own harmony, my own expression, my own respect. And in that, your eyes will burn in the revealing of my true self. In my reality. My dreams are comming true, thru the good times, the bad times, and the inbetween times. And if thats what it takes, then I'll take it. I've taken it all along. I am a catastrophe, a sweet catastrophe and damn proud of it, and everything else I am.
*I'm finally content with the past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burden with blame trapped in the past for too long. I'm movin' on~*
for it. But I'm also over it. So over it. I care that its once again an issue, and that people seem to like making my life and the things I do in/with my life such a big deal. But I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm done with it, have been for a long time. And I'm done with being so insecure about my reputation. Your reputation is who you are percieved to be. Your true character is who you are. I know who I am. And I am extremly confident in who I have become. And the people who are lucky enough to get past the person I am percieved to be, know that there is more to me than you would think. Theres more to me than partying, more to me than drinking, more to me than being the crazy outgoing person I seem to be. Not that I put on a front. Not even. Those things are part of my personality. But it's not near everything I am or everything I'm about. I don't give ppl the oppurtunity to see ALL of who I am. Why should I? If a person is going to be so judgemental of the things they have heard or the things they think make me me, why should I give them the benifit of getting in and knowing me for me? I am so confident with being myself, and having no inabitions, being uncensored, untamed, and in that being unforgettable, whether in a respected way or not. I am percieved on a level that is taken for much more than it really is. I do know that when I die, I will be remembered, whether it be sweetly, or sourly, I'll be remembered for my defining, unique personality and views and thoughts. I won't be remembered for who I slept with last week, or what I wore last weekend. Or what I said about her 3 years ago. I'll be remembered for my ability make a learning experience out of anything. I'll be remembered for cherishing every second I'm given to live. I'll be remembered for my ability to ride the fuck out of life and enjoy every second of it. I'll be remembered for ability to live and love it, and be envied for every second of it. People pick and choose what they hear and base their opinions on me due to that. There are alot of flaws about my past that I was always so dead set on proving to people that I had changed, I forgot to think about the future I had ahead of me. I have always had a big problem living in my past, trying to fix my past, I didn't per-fect my future. And I see the irony in all of this now. So many things about my past have taught me to be who I am today. I must admist, that I, among other things, used to run my mouth more than it was worth. And I'm glad I did. It taught me alot of life lessons I would have otherwise not learned the way I did. Every defining moment in my past has brought me to be who I am today. And I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of the fact I could now care less how much pride or lack there of you have in me. Or what you think of me, or the life I've chose to live, or the choices I am making for my future. If I continued to live for everyone else and for everything that people think I should be, where would I be? Would I be any further in this life than I am now? Who is to know? But I do know I would be alot less happy. Thats a damn fact. I realize I will never change the way people look at me. A reputation does not go away. But it is my responsiblity to live for myself and change the way I look at myself. I must live for my own peace, my own love, my own freedom, my own tolerance, my own unity, my own harmony, my own expression, my own respect. And in that, your eyes will burn in the revealing of my true self. In my reality. My dreams are comming true, thru the good times, the bad times, and the inbetween times. And if thats what it takes, then I'll take it. I've taken it all along. I am a catastrophe, a sweet catastrophe and damn proud of it, and everything else I am.
*I'm finally content with the past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness. For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burden with blame trapped in the past for too long. I'm movin' on~*