BSG fic - Promises 13 / 17
Chapter Thirteen
Frak. Lee had been hoping Laura wouldn’t find out about Baltar until the evacuation had started and she had bigger problems to worry about. He knew she wouldn’t be pleased.
“Was it you, Lee?” she repeated sharply when he didn’t reply.
Lee lifted his chin. He wasn’t going to lie to her.
“Yes.”
Laura looked slightly taken aback. “You killed him?”
“Yes.” Lee didn’t mention Felix; he wasn’t going to drag him into this.
“Dear gods, why?” Laura was staring at him as if she’d never seen him before.
“He betrayed Ana,” said Lee simply. “He betrayed her to the Cylons to save himself.”
Laura blinked as she digested the news.
“I’m not surprised,” she said finally, mouth twisting. “He always looked out for himself before anyone else. But - but you killed him?”
“He killed Ana,” said Lee harshly. He wasn’t going to let her make him feel guilty about this. Baltar had deserved what he got. “Probably others, too. Who knows how many people he betrayed?”
“So you just shot him out of hand?”
Something inside Lee snapped. How dare she look at him like that, as if she were disappointed in him?
“Why not?” he demanded, holding her eyes. “Are you going to judge me for it? You’re hardly in a position to do that.”
He didn’t say Cain’s name but he could see the memory of her in Laura’s eyes. He stared at her challengingly for a moment, before she dropped her eyes away from his.
“I’m not judging you, Lee,” she said quietly. “I’m just - surprised. The Captain Apollo I first met wouldn’t have done that.”
Lee flinched despite himself. He had forgotten how much damage Laura could do with just a few quiet words.
She looked back up at him, and as he met her eyes other memories rose to the surface of his mind. The way he had stopped Kara shooting Zarek, pulled a gun on Tigh to stop him arresting Laura, condemned his father for assassinating Cain. It seemed so long ago, almost as if it had all happened to someone else. Everything had seemed so much simpler then…
“You mean back when I was naïve enough to think right was right and wrong was wrong and it was easy to tell the difference?”
“Lee-”
Why did she look so sad? He didn’t regret the loss of that previous self. He was better this way, stronger. And she, more than anyone else, was responsible for the change in him. He’d believed in her, looked up to her, thought she was true to her principles. Until he’d found out she’d approved Cain’s assassination. Until Ana told him how she’d tried to fix the election, and he’d realised she was just as self-serving and ruthless as everybody else.
He smiled bitterly. “Well, events taught me otherwise. I’m not that foolish any more. I know now that you have to do what you think is necessary to achieve your ends, even if it’s unpleasant. And that if you want justice you have to get it yourself, because you can’t rely on anyone else for it.”
She heard the accusation in his final words and looked at him warily. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, what would you have done if I’d come to you about this?” demanded Lee fiercely. “Given your approval?”
“I would have-”
“You would have told me to leave Baltar be,” he said, and could see the truth of it on her face. “Told me not to rock the boat, to let him go free because his death might upset the Cylons.”
“That’s exactly what I would have done.” Suddenly the fire surged back into her. All traces of distress disappeared; she was the president again, calm and certain. “Because it’s true and you know it. His death will have the Cylons buzzing; they’ll be looking for the killer, investigating, arresting people, maybe doubling their guards.” The anger mounted in her voice with every word. “How could you do this, Lee? Just now? This could wreck all our plans for the evacuation!”
“Not necessarily. There’s only a day to go before we make our move, they can’t do much damage in that time.”
“Can’t they? I wouldn’t count on it.” She was looking at him with cold fury. “You knew that, Lee, don’t try to pretend you didn’t. You deliberately decided to take this risk, and you had no right to do that.”
Lee didn’t answer. He knew she was right, but he’d had to do it. If he hadn’t dealt with Baltar now, before the evacuation, he would have lost his chance, and he wouldn’t have been able to live with that. He owed it to Ana. He’d promised.
“It’s my own fault for not keeping you under closer watch,” said Laura. “I knew you were reckless, that your judgement was flawed. I should have realised you might do something like this.” Her voice was cutting. “I suppose I just thought you would have more care for your friends’ lives.”
That comment cut deeply, and he felt compelled to defend himself. “You don’t understand. I do care about them, but-”
“But what?” said Laura harshly.
“But I promised Ana.”
“Promised her what?”
“I promised her that I wouldn’t let the Cylons win,” he said. “That I’d make them pay for what they did to her. It was the last thing she ever said to me.” As he spoke the words the cave disappeared around him. Suddenly he was back in that prison cell, looking into Ana’s determined eyes, listening to her frantic voice as the bolts were drawn back on the door…he realised he was shaking.
“So that’s your justification?” she asked coldly. “Revenge? Is that more important than your friends’ lives?”
“Don’t tell me I don’t care about their lives!” he exploded. “I let Ana die to save their lives! She knew what they were going to do to her, you know. She made me promise that I wouldn’t give in to them, however much they hurt her. That I wouldn’t say anything to give our friends away. And I didn’t.” Other memories rushed back, all too vividly, and he tried to push them away. He couldn’t face that, he couldn’t-
“Lee.” Laura’s voice was horrified. “Lee, I didn’t know - I’m so sorry-”
“I won’t let her have died for nothing,” he said desperately. “I promised her I wouldn’t let the Cylons win, and I’m going to do anything I can to make sure of that, whether you like it or not.”
He blinked, trying to clear his vision, and Laura came back into focus. She was looking at him with sympathy, but there was a hard edge to it.
“Then I’m afraid I will have to confine you to the caves. I can’t risk you jeopardising our plan with any more foolhardy actions. I’m sorry, Lee.”
He nodded, although he barely registered what she was saying. Ana’s voice was still echoing in his head, as strong and clear as if she was the reality and Laura was the memory.
The small space seemed to press in on him. The walls blurred, and for a moment he was back in that cell again, watching Ana-
He needed to escape, needed to breathe.
“Are you finished?” he said harshly, and Laura seemed to take pity on him. She nodded.
He hurtled out of the room, barely noticing Kara as he brushed past her in the passage. He was sure Laura had already given orders not to let him outside, so he headed for the cave he normally slept in, hoping for privacy.
No-one was there. Lee collapsed onto his bedroll and curled up into a ball, wrapping his arms tightly around his legs to stop the tremors that were shaking him to the core.
It didn’t help. All he could see in the dim light was Ana’s bruised face, all he could hear was her screams. He’d desperately blocked out the memories for months, built a dam against them so that they only leaked through in his dreams. But now speaking about it to Laura had broken that dam, brought it all pulsing vividly to life. The memories were forcing their way out, and he didn’t have the strength any more to hold them back. He could feel something breaking within him.
The floodgates finally shattered, and he buried his face in his hands as the tears came.
----
Kara stared after Lee as he almost ran past her down the passageway. She’d never seen him look like that before, as if he was about to fall apart any second.
She couldn’t move for a moment, too bewildered by all she had overheard. Everything Lee had said about Dee’s death had ripped into her, as if someone was tearing her heart into pieces.
“Go after him.”
She turned to see Laura in the entrance to her office, holding back the curtain.
“You heard, didn’t you?” she said.
Kara nodded mechanically.
“Then go after him. He needs you.”
Kara wasn’t sure that was true. Lee had never needed her before; he always managed just fine on his own. She was the screw-up, the one who needed support.
But something in Laura’s eyes pushed her into movement and she found herself hurrying after Lee anyway.
She had a hunch where he’d gone, and it proved to be right. She peered cautiously into the cave where they slept, and there he was, huddled up on the floor.
Even in the dim light Kara could see he was shaking. He was making a strange, choked noise, and a horrified moment later, she realised what it was. He was crying.
She nearly turned and walked away, left him to his privacy. She was sure he wouldn’t want her intruding. He didn’t need her.
But as she was about to turn away she suddenly remembered Lee’s angry words when they had argued at the lookout, the way he’d accused her of not caring about his problems. Wasn’t she just proving him right?
She took a deep breath. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might be letting him down if she just left him. So she wouldn’t.
She could do this. The worst that could happen was that he’d push her away.
When she entered the cave she half-expected him to jump up angrily and tell her to get out, but he didn’t. In fact, he didn’t seem to realise she was there, even when she sat down beside him. It was only when she put a tentative hand on his shoulder that he looked up.
“Kara?” He stared at her, red-eyed and bewildered.
“Lee.” She instinctively put an arm across his trembling shoulders. “It’s all right, Lee. I’m here.”
She caught her breath, expecting him to push her arm away. Instead his face crumpled and he moved into her embrace, burying his face against her shoulder. After a moment she realised he was crying again.
She didn’t know how long they sat there. She didn’t try to talk to him; just sat silently holding him until his sobs died away and his shaking gradually subsided.
She realised the tension in her own body was easing as well. Her awkwardness ebbed away, and it began to seem natural to be holding him, to be comforting him like this. He didn’t seem to mind.
The thought made her feel warm inside. One of the reasons she had thought there could never be anything between Lee and herself was because she had never been able to see that there was anything she had to give him. He was so self-sufficient, so controlled, running his life so competently - why would he ever need her?
Looking down at his bent head, she began to think that maybe she had been wrong. Maybe he wasn’t as strong as she’d always thought. Maybe he did need her a little after all.
He finally lifted his head, looking embarrassed. “Kara, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she said, smiling at him.
He blinked in surprise. “Kara-”
“It’s all right.” He was staring at her, his eyes full of pain, and she couldn’t bear it. All she wanted to do was to wipe that hurt away, make him smile again.
So she kissed him.
His lips were salt from his tears. She felt his mouth tremble under hers and then respond, moving to meet her, kissing her back.
It lasted for one long blissful moment before he jerked his mouth away.
“I can’t do this.” His blue eyes were wide and stricken. “Kara, I can’t do this.”
He pushed her arm away and stood up. He was shaking again.
“Lee-” Kara didn’t know what to say. She bit her lip, trying desperately not to cry.
“I can’t do this,” he said again, desperation in every syllable. He took a step back from her, and Kara flinched. “Ana-”
That name cut Kara to the core. She scrabbled for the words to explain.
“I wasn’t trying to - I know how much you loved Dee-”
Lee made a strange choking sound.
“Loved her? Don’t you see that’s exactly the problem? I didn’t love her. Not enough.”
Kara stared at him, bewildered. “I don’t-”
“And do you know why that was?” Lee’s eyes locked with hers, fierce and desperate. “Because I loved you. Loved you so frakking much that there was no room left for her.”
What?
Kara’s mouth fell open.
He loved her?
For a moment she couldn’t breathe.
“I didn’t love Ana enough,” Lee was saying bitterly, “and that’s why she died.”
Kara found her voice again at that comment. “What do you mean?”
“She never wanted to move to New Caprica,” Lee said. “But I persuaded her. Because I was so desperate to leave the fleet and get as far away from you and Anders as possible.”
Kara stared at him, mind racing. That was why he’d left the fleet? She’d never realised that her being with Anders had bothered him so much. Every time they’d spoken about it he’d said how pleased he was for her, how great it was to see her happy-
“If I’d loved Ana more we would have stayed with the fleet,” Lee continued, voice full of self-disgust. “If I’d loved her more I would have made our marriage work, and then when she offered to stay and spy on the Cylons I wouldn’t have let her. Because I’d have wanted her with me, not felt relieved that it gave me an excuse to keep her at a distance.”
“Lee-” Kara forgot her own concerns. She couldn’t bear the anguish and self-loathing in his voice. “You shouldn’t blame yourself-”
He didn’t seem to hear her. “And if I’d loved her more,” he said dully, the fire dying out of his eyes, “I would have told that Cylon every last frakking secret the resistance had to save her life. But I didn’t. I sat there and watched him kill her and I didn’t do a damn thing to stop it.”
“But then everyone else in the resistance would be captured or dead. She wouldn’t have wanted that, Lee,” said Kara firmly. She invested her voice with as much conviction as possible, trying to make him believe it. “You said yourself that she made you promise not to talk, whatever they did.”
“I know.” Lee nodded, but the bleakness didn’t lift from his face. “But I can’t help feeling I should have ignored her.”
“You shouldn’t. Dee was a soldier, Lee. A fighter. She wouldn’t have wanted to live at everyone else’s expense.”
Something flickered across his face, but Kara wasn’t sure if she’d got through to him or not. After a moment he turned away, as if he didn’t want her to see what he was feeling.
“Kara, could you just - I need to be alone for a while.”
Kara shifted uncertainly. She wasn’t sure leaving him alone was a good idea just now. She’d never seen him so upset, wasn’t sure what he’d do. “I don’t-”
“Please?”
That broke her. It was so rare to hear Lee plead for anything.
“All right. I’ll be just outside if you need me.”
“Thanks.”
She went outside and sank down against the rocky wall. Suddenly her legs wouldn’t support her any longer.
Everything Lee had said had shaken her to the core. She understood now why Dee’s death tormented him so much, why he was so obsessed with destroying the Cylons, even at the risk of his own life. Now she understood, perhaps she had a better chance at helping him through this, stop him drowning in his guilt and grief.
She should start thinking how she could do that.
But her treacherous mind kept drifting to something else. Kept replaying certain words he had said in her head, over and over.
I loved you so frakking much that there was no room left for her.
And deep below all her concern for Lee there was a stubborn warm glow around her heart that refused to go away.
She’d sometimes thought that Lee loved her, but she’d never been certain of it until now.
She pulled a face, disgusted with herself, and struggled to get her thoughts under control. She shouldn’t be mooning over this like some dreamy-eyed idiot. She had more important things to think about.
She was an officer in the colonial fleet, and she had a planet to evacuate.
She firmly directed her thoughts to the mission, and had solved several niggling problems by the time she decided Lee had had enough brooding time and went back into the cave to talk some more sense into him.
But the cave was empty. He wasn’t there.
Frak. Lee had been hoping Laura wouldn’t find out about Baltar until the evacuation had started and she had bigger problems to worry about. He knew she wouldn’t be pleased.
“Was it you, Lee?” she repeated sharply when he didn’t reply.
Lee lifted his chin. He wasn’t going to lie to her.
“Yes.”
Laura looked slightly taken aback. “You killed him?”
“Yes.” Lee didn’t mention Felix; he wasn’t going to drag him into this.
“Dear gods, why?” Laura was staring at him as if she’d never seen him before.
“He betrayed Ana,” said Lee simply. “He betrayed her to the Cylons to save himself.”
Laura blinked as she digested the news.
“I’m not surprised,” she said finally, mouth twisting. “He always looked out for himself before anyone else. But - but you killed him?”
“He killed Ana,” said Lee harshly. He wasn’t going to let her make him feel guilty about this. Baltar had deserved what he got. “Probably others, too. Who knows how many people he betrayed?”
“So you just shot him out of hand?”
Something inside Lee snapped. How dare she look at him like that, as if she were disappointed in him?
“Why not?” he demanded, holding her eyes. “Are you going to judge me for it? You’re hardly in a position to do that.”
He didn’t say Cain’s name but he could see the memory of her in Laura’s eyes. He stared at her challengingly for a moment, before she dropped her eyes away from his.
“I’m not judging you, Lee,” she said quietly. “I’m just - surprised. The Captain Apollo I first met wouldn’t have done that.”
Lee flinched despite himself. He had forgotten how much damage Laura could do with just a few quiet words.
She looked back up at him, and as he met her eyes other memories rose to the surface of his mind. The way he had stopped Kara shooting Zarek, pulled a gun on Tigh to stop him arresting Laura, condemned his father for assassinating Cain. It seemed so long ago, almost as if it had all happened to someone else. Everything had seemed so much simpler then…
“You mean back when I was naïve enough to think right was right and wrong was wrong and it was easy to tell the difference?”
“Lee-”
Why did she look so sad? He didn’t regret the loss of that previous self. He was better this way, stronger. And she, more than anyone else, was responsible for the change in him. He’d believed in her, looked up to her, thought she was true to her principles. Until he’d found out she’d approved Cain’s assassination. Until Ana told him how she’d tried to fix the election, and he’d realised she was just as self-serving and ruthless as everybody else.
He smiled bitterly. “Well, events taught me otherwise. I’m not that foolish any more. I know now that you have to do what you think is necessary to achieve your ends, even if it’s unpleasant. And that if you want justice you have to get it yourself, because you can’t rely on anyone else for it.”
She heard the accusation in his final words and looked at him warily. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, what would you have done if I’d come to you about this?” demanded Lee fiercely. “Given your approval?”
“I would have-”
“You would have told me to leave Baltar be,” he said, and could see the truth of it on her face. “Told me not to rock the boat, to let him go free because his death might upset the Cylons.”
“That’s exactly what I would have done.” Suddenly the fire surged back into her. All traces of distress disappeared; she was the president again, calm and certain. “Because it’s true and you know it. His death will have the Cylons buzzing; they’ll be looking for the killer, investigating, arresting people, maybe doubling their guards.” The anger mounted in her voice with every word. “How could you do this, Lee? Just now? This could wreck all our plans for the evacuation!”
“Not necessarily. There’s only a day to go before we make our move, they can’t do much damage in that time.”
“Can’t they? I wouldn’t count on it.” She was looking at him with cold fury. “You knew that, Lee, don’t try to pretend you didn’t. You deliberately decided to take this risk, and you had no right to do that.”
Lee didn’t answer. He knew she was right, but he’d had to do it. If he hadn’t dealt with Baltar now, before the evacuation, he would have lost his chance, and he wouldn’t have been able to live with that. He owed it to Ana. He’d promised.
“It’s my own fault for not keeping you under closer watch,” said Laura. “I knew you were reckless, that your judgement was flawed. I should have realised you might do something like this.” Her voice was cutting. “I suppose I just thought you would have more care for your friends’ lives.”
That comment cut deeply, and he felt compelled to defend himself. “You don’t understand. I do care about them, but-”
“But what?” said Laura harshly.
“But I promised Ana.”
“Promised her what?”
“I promised her that I wouldn’t let the Cylons win,” he said. “That I’d make them pay for what they did to her. It was the last thing she ever said to me.” As he spoke the words the cave disappeared around him. Suddenly he was back in that prison cell, looking into Ana’s determined eyes, listening to her frantic voice as the bolts were drawn back on the door…he realised he was shaking.
“So that’s your justification?” she asked coldly. “Revenge? Is that more important than your friends’ lives?”
“Don’t tell me I don’t care about their lives!” he exploded. “I let Ana die to save their lives! She knew what they were going to do to her, you know. She made me promise that I wouldn’t give in to them, however much they hurt her. That I wouldn’t say anything to give our friends away. And I didn’t.” Other memories rushed back, all too vividly, and he tried to push them away. He couldn’t face that, he couldn’t-
“Lee.” Laura’s voice was horrified. “Lee, I didn’t know - I’m so sorry-”
“I won’t let her have died for nothing,” he said desperately. “I promised her I wouldn’t let the Cylons win, and I’m going to do anything I can to make sure of that, whether you like it or not.”
He blinked, trying to clear his vision, and Laura came back into focus. She was looking at him with sympathy, but there was a hard edge to it.
“Then I’m afraid I will have to confine you to the caves. I can’t risk you jeopardising our plan with any more foolhardy actions. I’m sorry, Lee.”
He nodded, although he barely registered what she was saying. Ana’s voice was still echoing in his head, as strong and clear as if she was the reality and Laura was the memory.
The small space seemed to press in on him. The walls blurred, and for a moment he was back in that cell again, watching Ana-
He needed to escape, needed to breathe.
“Are you finished?” he said harshly, and Laura seemed to take pity on him. She nodded.
He hurtled out of the room, barely noticing Kara as he brushed past her in the passage. He was sure Laura had already given orders not to let him outside, so he headed for the cave he normally slept in, hoping for privacy.
No-one was there. Lee collapsed onto his bedroll and curled up into a ball, wrapping his arms tightly around his legs to stop the tremors that were shaking him to the core.
It didn’t help. All he could see in the dim light was Ana’s bruised face, all he could hear was her screams. He’d desperately blocked out the memories for months, built a dam against them so that they only leaked through in his dreams. But now speaking about it to Laura had broken that dam, brought it all pulsing vividly to life. The memories were forcing their way out, and he didn’t have the strength any more to hold them back. He could feel something breaking within him.
The floodgates finally shattered, and he buried his face in his hands as the tears came.
----
Kara stared after Lee as he almost ran past her down the passageway. She’d never seen him look like that before, as if he was about to fall apart any second.
She couldn’t move for a moment, too bewildered by all she had overheard. Everything Lee had said about Dee’s death had ripped into her, as if someone was tearing her heart into pieces.
“Go after him.”
She turned to see Laura in the entrance to her office, holding back the curtain.
“You heard, didn’t you?” she said.
Kara nodded mechanically.
“Then go after him. He needs you.”
Kara wasn’t sure that was true. Lee had never needed her before; he always managed just fine on his own. She was the screw-up, the one who needed support.
But something in Laura’s eyes pushed her into movement and she found herself hurrying after Lee anyway.
She had a hunch where he’d gone, and it proved to be right. She peered cautiously into the cave where they slept, and there he was, huddled up on the floor.
Even in the dim light Kara could see he was shaking. He was making a strange, choked noise, and a horrified moment later, she realised what it was. He was crying.
She nearly turned and walked away, left him to his privacy. She was sure he wouldn’t want her intruding. He didn’t need her.
But as she was about to turn away she suddenly remembered Lee’s angry words when they had argued at the lookout, the way he’d accused her of not caring about his problems. Wasn’t she just proving him right?
She took a deep breath. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might be letting him down if she just left him. So she wouldn’t.
She could do this. The worst that could happen was that he’d push her away.
When she entered the cave she half-expected him to jump up angrily and tell her to get out, but he didn’t. In fact, he didn’t seem to realise she was there, even when she sat down beside him. It was only when she put a tentative hand on his shoulder that he looked up.
“Kara?” He stared at her, red-eyed and bewildered.
“Lee.” She instinctively put an arm across his trembling shoulders. “It’s all right, Lee. I’m here.”
She caught her breath, expecting him to push her arm away. Instead his face crumpled and he moved into her embrace, burying his face against her shoulder. After a moment she realised he was crying again.
She didn’t know how long they sat there. She didn’t try to talk to him; just sat silently holding him until his sobs died away and his shaking gradually subsided.
She realised the tension in her own body was easing as well. Her awkwardness ebbed away, and it began to seem natural to be holding him, to be comforting him like this. He didn’t seem to mind.
The thought made her feel warm inside. One of the reasons she had thought there could never be anything between Lee and herself was because she had never been able to see that there was anything she had to give him. He was so self-sufficient, so controlled, running his life so competently - why would he ever need her?
Looking down at his bent head, she began to think that maybe she had been wrong. Maybe he wasn’t as strong as she’d always thought. Maybe he did need her a little after all.
He finally lifted his head, looking embarrassed. “Kara, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she said, smiling at him.
He blinked in surprise. “Kara-”
“It’s all right.” He was staring at her, his eyes full of pain, and she couldn’t bear it. All she wanted to do was to wipe that hurt away, make him smile again.
So she kissed him.
His lips were salt from his tears. She felt his mouth tremble under hers and then respond, moving to meet her, kissing her back.
It lasted for one long blissful moment before he jerked his mouth away.
“I can’t do this.” His blue eyes were wide and stricken. “Kara, I can’t do this.”
He pushed her arm away and stood up. He was shaking again.
“Lee-” Kara didn’t know what to say. She bit her lip, trying desperately not to cry.
“I can’t do this,” he said again, desperation in every syllable. He took a step back from her, and Kara flinched. “Ana-”
That name cut Kara to the core. She scrabbled for the words to explain.
“I wasn’t trying to - I know how much you loved Dee-”
Lee made a strange choking sound.
“Loved her? Don’t you see that’s exactly the problem? I didn’t love her. Not enough.”
Kara stared at him, bewildered. “I don’t-”
“And do you know why that was?” Lee’s eyes locked with hers, fierce and desperate. “Because I loved you. Loved you so frakking much that there was no room left for her.”
What?
Kara’s mouth fell open.
He loved her?
For a moment she couldn’t breathe.
“I didn’t love Ana enough,” Lee was saying bitterly, “and that’s why she died.”
Kara found her voice again at that comment. “What do you mean?”
“She never wanted to move to New Caprica,” Lee said. “But I persuaded her. Because I was so desperate to leave the fleet and get as far away from you and Anders as possible.”
Kara stared at him, mind racing. That was why he’d left the fleet? She’d never realised that her being with Anders had bothered him so much. Every time they’d spoken about it he’d said how pleased he was for her, how great it was to see her happy-
“If I’d loved Ana more we would have stayed with the fleet,” Lee continued, voice full of self-disgust. “If I’d loved her more I would have made our marriage work, and then when she offered to stay and spy on the Cylons I wouldn’t have let her. Because I’d have wanted her with me, not felt relieved that it gave me an excuse to keep her at a distance.”
“Lee-” Kara forgot her own concerns. She couldn’t bear the anguish and self-loathing in his voice. “You shouldn’t blame yourself-”
He didn’t seem to hear her. “And if I’d loved her more,” he said dully, the fire dying out of his eyes, “I would have told that Cylon every last frakking secret the resistance had to save her life. But I didn’t. I sat there and watched him kill her and I didn’t do a damn thing to stop it.”
“But then everyone else in the resistance would be captured or dead. She wouldn’t have wanted that, Lee,” said Kara firmly. She invested her voice with as much conviction as possible, trying to make him believe it. “You said yourself that she made you promise not to talk, whatever they did.”
“I know.” Lee nodded, but the bleakness didn’t lift from his face. “But I can’t help feeling I should have ignored her.”
“You shouldn’t. Dee was a soldier, Lee. A fighter. She wouldn’t have wanted to live at everyone else’s expense.”
Something flickered across his face, but Kara wasn’t sure if she’d got through to him or not. After a moment he turned away, as if he didn’t want her to see what he was feeling.
“Kara, could you just - I need to be alone for a while.”
Kara shifted uncertainly. She wasn’t sure leaving him alone was a good idea just now. She’d never seen him so upset, wasn’t sure what he’d do. “I don’t-”
“Please?”
That broke her. It was so rare to hear Lee plead for anything.
“All right. I’ll be just outside if you need me.”
“Thanks.”
She went outside and sank down against the rocky wall. Suddenly her legs wouldn’t support her any longer.
Everything Lee had said had shaken her to the core. She understood now why Dee’s death tormented him so much, why he was so obsessed with destroying the Cylons, even at the risk of his own life. Now she understood, perhaps she had a better chance at helping him through this, stop him drowning in his guilt and grief.
She should start thinking how she could do that.
But her treacherous mind kept drifting to something else. Kept replaying certain words he had said in her head, over and over.
I loved you so frakking much that there was no room left for her.
And deep below all her concern for Lee there was a stubborn warm glow around her heart that refused to go away.
She’d sometimes thought that Lee loved her, but she’d never been certain of it until now.
She pulled a face, disgusted with herself, and struggled to get her thoughts under control. She shouldn’t be mooning over this like some dreamy-eyed idiot. She had more important things to think about.
She was an officer in the colonial fleet, and she had a planet to evacuate.
She firmly directed her thoughts to the mission, and had solved several niggling problems by the time she decided Lee had had enough brooding time and went back into the cave to talk some more sense into him.
But the cave was empty. He wasn’t there.